Dust in Corners Should Just Vanish

When your past secrets catch up with you... I usually don't have secrets that can be kept to myself for so long, but there's this one secret, it's buried deep, deep down, in the darkest pit of my memory box like one of those dust spots in the corners you miss on purpose cause it's too far and too hard to clean, and besides, nobody would see it anyway. My secret is like that. Or well, was. Now that I've told it to someone. Someone very unrelated to the secret.

It was a bad secret. That's why it's buried in the deep, dark corner of my memory box. Trust me, when I say it's bad, it's bad. I know, I may seem like the little goody-two-shoes who goes by the laws of Islam (Alhamdulillah, I repented!), and is probably as innocent as a bear, but this. This secret was bad. BAD. B-A-D, Bad! It happened two years ago, during my years of rebel (well, actually I still am quite rebellious, but I was worse in my Form One year).

You see, I had a boyfriend two years ago. One, I have to admit, I really, really miss right about now. Perhaps because it was our secret that I shared with one inexplicable person. It is the guilt that I hold to him, and to the Almighty. Anyway, this very bad secret was between me and him (and Him). I'm not telling what it is, that'd be stupid of me. And no, none of you, not even my closest friends are allowed to ask me about it. I've made the mistake of telling a person already and that just makes me feel bad.

Bad about myself, bad about the secret, bad about telling the secret and just about everything!

That -insert word- (for I have none) person did not only made me feel bad about NOT telling, he also made me fell bad about telling! Once he learned I had a deep, dark secret, he begged me to tell him. And I, who give in so very easily, could not help but to blurt it out. Foolish I was. He told me, "No secrets. You tell yours, I tell mine." He had two. When I finished telling my horrible past, he made me choose which one I wanted to know! Can you believe that! He had the nerve of telling me, "No secrets," and he's the one who made me choose! By right, I should get to know both for both of them combined aren't nearly as bad as mine!

Alas, there was a blackout, right after he said ONE of his secrets. At that time, I couldn't care less about the house getting a blackout. Heck, I was even slightly thankful. But lying down on the bed in the darkness made me think. It made me think of the hideous person I was back then, not so long ago. It made me think why I'm even friends with such a person. Before long, I fell asleep.

So the next day, he didn't say anything to me and I thought, maybe he's busy. Oh well. I let it go. The day after next, same thing happened and I was starting to wonder. Three days after, I started to get pissed. And now, a week later, I am just thinking to myself, why in the world am I friends with someone who often makes me feel like I'm a naive bimbo walking around earth not knowing what to look for? And this is the person I call my best friend. The person I call my best friend is the guy who did not even try to make me feel better after I told the biggest secret of my life, instead, just leaving me hanging to die in my own ocean of guilt. The person I call my best friend is the guy who mocked me for expressing my sadness about my dad's supposed-to-be 53rd birthday on the day they're announcing the PMR results.

And I still give him that much respect. Whenever I come across that thought of me still being in love with him, I shrug it off, because that's impossible.

And It All Turns Green

Jealousy is a curse. One day you’re fine, and the next, without any warning, you get bitten by the oh-so-famous green-eyed monster and so the poison will flow through your veins, taking out all the bliss thus leaving sorrow behind. It’s like being kissed by the dementor, it sucks all the life out of you leaving the worst experiences behind.

What is it with people and getting jealous? I bet, no matter how nice you try to be, the feeling of envy would still come to you at some point. Be it at your siblings or him or her, it comes. Maybe one with a kind heart would try his best not to convey others of the jealousy he’s feeling. But I guess I’m not one of them..

Sometimes when all things aren’t right, the stress just gets to you. Or it just gets to me? When one goes bad, all goes bad. People say, “don’t be sad, think happy thoughts.” Hah, as if it were that easy. (Sorry Kamal, if you’re reading this. I guess that person’s always been me hahah. Not good at cheering people up.) I mean yeah, it’s good advice; he who’s in misery should at least try. But it just isn’t easy, especially when that person you’re jealous of is close to you. Like, really close.

People are always better. I guess that’s reality? Whatever you think you’re good at, there’s always someone better at it. When you think a person likes you, there’s always one he/she likes more. Maybe even one said person met way later than they’ve met you. It’s like knowledge; you can never get all of it. There’s always more. Is it really wrong of me to get jealous? I suppose it just frustrates me because for once, I’d want to think I’m ‘the one and only’, or ‘the Jack of all trades (and a good one at it)’ or ‘the best of the best’ or even ‘the favor of all teachers’.

But the spotlight won’t shine on me. Out of all the things I’ve done, I can’t think of anything that I do that beats my friends. Or my siblings. Yeah, I travel a lot (or used to), I ought to know why the Tower of Pisa leans on one side; why Venice is a city on water; why the whirlpools in Naruto only comes during a specific time. But I don’t. When I go travel, I don’t bother. Even if I do, there’s never enough time and god, how I hate reading from Wikipedia. And sure, I like writing, but have you seen Aleesya when she puts pen to paper? Or DD or Abdan? I’m not saying I resent them or anything; it’s just that, every so often when you think about it, it just sucks to be you and not them.

What world would it be without people competing to be the best? All you gotta do is suck it up and move on with your life. Adapt to the situation, surely one day you’ll get what you want, the way you want it to be. Some friends and lovers only come a short while and then they’ll go, like the leaves of autumn. Know in your heart it’s a new day. And it’s time to avoid the green-eyed monster.

 Hahah, and that, ladies and gentlemen was my attempt to make myself feel better. 

Stay Today, Run Tomorrow

Deep I look into those brown eyes,

They are like the dark night skies;

I can hear the sounds,

Of the heavy heart that pounds.

The darling buds of May,

How is it do I say;

The feelings that I keep,

Before I go out to sleep?

Joy of today and tomorrow, 

Will leave me in great sorrow;

Don't go, please?

It is my heart you seize.

To love is to have lived,

But my heart is deprived;

From the greatness of feeling,

Seeing you, it is me you're killing.

You are but mine,

I must stay out of line,

Let it go, let it go,

Oh if only you'd know.

Time has passed,

I've had my chance;

It is different now,

Maybe later time would allow.

It all seems vain,

I must get out before I become the bane;

They love lots,

I'm left with a train of thoughts.

I hear the rings of the bell,

Time to say farewell;

Faith will bring you,

To a new angle of view.

Strings of Words on Paper

This is just a message. If I die, one of you have to do something for me. I wrote a letter to someone, and I'm gonna put it the pink envelope at the back of my diary. Give it to the person it was addressed to. My diary is in my house, at the almari under the stairs, where all my school books are.

Not that I'm saying anything is gonna happen, I just want someone to know, so that the message is sent. And do not ask me anything about this in school or anywhere else, I'm not answering lalala~

She Who Runs

Fear. It is a subject that is always present in you. It holds you back from doing things you want to do; it makes you weak. Fear. It's always here.

Sometimes it's just like I don't have anyone to talk to, you know. I mean, yes, I have you, whoever is reading this right now, but you know that feeling when you either don't want to talk to them or you're just afraid that if you talk to them, they'll judge you or get bored of you. I have never had that friend who I can tell absolutely everything to, from my happiest moments to the most miserable things. It has always been that I have this friend who I talk to about things like these, and this friend who I talk to about things like that. No one who I can sit with, staring at the world, and just enjoy the moment. Not like a boyfriend or anything, cause you know, boyfriends don't really last.. But a best friend. A real best friend.

It's times like these where I wish I had one of those friends I can tell anything to, because I am scared. I'm scared of her who never shows her feelings; I'm scared of her who wants things the way she wants; I'm scared of him who's way out of my league; I'm scared of her who never disappoints people and I'm scared of him who expresses absolutely nothing. It is this fear of disappointing people that I have, this fear of making them sad or angry. It's there and it doesn't go away and god, I just wish I have someone there to talk about it with.

But when I talk about myself, I fear that they're left out because when it's their turn to talk, I go away. What is the meaning of being a good friend if you do not listen to the other person's story? It doesn't  have to be a good friend, even a friend would give his/her ears for a minute in exchange. Ahh I don't know what I'm saying anymore I'm just so scared of people, it's like I can't stand up for myself, I can't say what I think I should say and I take advantage of those people who are there for me and I sniff the feet of those who who says, "forget about Amilah."

And now every time I think of what she did this morning, and what she said the other day, I get so angry I swear, I could be a fire burning dragon and burn a whole kingdom. If I could, I'd scream at her telling her what I really think of her and just end my relationship with her family. But her parents are good people and I can't just cut the relationship off like that to the people who have been nothing but kind to me. It's life that's the problem. We live in lies. Whatever we feel about one another, we lie. We don't ever say how we really think of them because even if you don't admit it, we are sensitive and we'd get hurt.

Fear is what holds you back.

To 'Him' We Return

Honestly, I have no idea on how to start this post. Well, I guess I'll say, my dad's gone. As in gone gone; back to He who created him - Allah. If you ask me how I am, I'd say I'm fine. But I don't know, times like these, there's no need to ask, really. Just be there and give hugs and lend your ears and your shoulders. Maybe one day, I'll miss him. So, as my friends, you say you'll always be there, be there. These kind of things, they're hard, and yes you get through it but there are times when you get nostalgic and you just need to let out your feelings and cry. Or at least that's how it is in books and on television. I guess I'll face it sooner or later.

Okay, so death. It's part of life, whatever it is, you just have to accept it. Be it early or late, it will come. That  is when you realize that life is short. Very short. You'd think back, what have you done in this world that will guarantee you Jannah on the Day of Resurrection. And then you'd think, what have you done to drive it away from you and closer to the Fire. This is when your heart leaps; you'd want to seek repentance from Allah, you'd want to do good and be among the solihins, you'd want to change yourself a hundred eighty degrees for the better. Or well, I guess that's how I feel.

Seeing my dad die, I want to die like him. When he passed away at 7:44 p.m. on the 27th of August 2012, I was there. I just came down from praying Maghrib and my sister told me to say, "Laa Ilaha Ilallah,"  into his ears, while she listens to his breathing on the stethoscope. So I did, repeatedly. About a couple minutes after that, my sister said that he was gone. Could you imagine, I didn't even notice him going. How fast and unpainful the angel of death pulled the soul out of his body. His face was so calm and so pure that it was hard not to feel relieved let alone envious. During that time there were only me, my older sister and my mom's sister. The rest of the family were finishing of their du'as for their Maghrib prayers. I feel bad that my mother didn't get to see him go, but I hope she remembers that what she was doing was for God, so she didn't miss anything. Instead she was gaining pahala.

Everyone in the house were either breaking down or holding back their tears; men and women, except for me and my little sister. I couldn't get tears out because inside, I was thinking, "Alhamdulillah, he died so smoothly. He doesn't have to suffer anymore." I've accepted his death even before he died, redha. Seeing my mother and my sister cry, that broke my heart. Thus, tears filled my eyes. My mom called my dad's older brother to tell him of my dad's death. I wonder how that went. I heard her raising her voice in frustration, "No, none of you are here!" Knowing my uncle, he must've been asking in an arrogant way if his side of the family were there. Don't think of him as bad, I don't mean to make it sound that way, but you know how rich people are.. The irony was, most of my mother's siblings with their kids and grand kids were there in the house, yet it was my father who passed away. And she could say how my mother is not good enough for my father.

It touched me when I saw Dina at the foot of the staircase when I got downstairs. She looked as though she had been crying. Most of my close friends were there for me, I don't have to name them, do I? :p I'm okay with explaining my dad's sickness, what happened and so on. But when it comes to saying how he looked like when he died, I have no idea but I couldn't help to cry. It was the first time ever did Dina hug me so tightly it was as if everything was okay. Like DD said, "I still have that image of you crying in Dina's arms." Let me tell you one thing, even if you're not a hugger, hugs are the only thing that can make you feel, if not much, then slightly better. Dayah being bubbly as always never failed to make me laugh. When family isn't there, friends are the family you need.

Sometimes the thoughtfulness of people can change the way you think of them. Seeing how many mentions I got on Twitter and how many text messages I got, from people I'm close to and from those I've never said a single word to. Maybe it's not as much as other people would get but honestly, that is like the greatest thing anyone's ever done for me. The amount of attention I got was uncountable. What I felt was indescribable. If tears were to come out of my eyes, they'd be happy tears, I swear. I'm so sorry if I've ever doubted or despised or backbit any of you.

"I'm not sad, I'm happy. You know why? Because I know daddy will be in Jannah. If I'm sad, I won't think that daddy can go to Jannah, so I'm happy," was what my little sister said. Even in her annoying babyish tone, that made me smile. It's amazing how a little 11 year old girl who had just lost her father can be so positive.

This morning I looked at my dad's face and he was smiling. I'm not kidding, he was smiling. I trust that he's in a better place, insyaAllah. I kissed his cheeks, they were cold. But I guess that's how dead bodies are, eh? My mom was crying but her lips were curled into a smile. I know she's sad, but I think a part of her is happy to see him smiling like that.

15 years I got to know my dad. He wasn't there much to be honest. Even if he was there, he would be so into his work that we wouldn't really even notice him. But death is different. He was a good man, I have faith in that. Him getting mad is very rare and to see him in a bad mood is almost impossible. I guess he was very patient. My sister keeps saying, "Daddy likes to live." He appreciates life as it is. Even if we were poor, I bet he'd be the same. An auntie came up to me and said, "your father, he was an intelligent man. It's so hard to find someone like him. At UTM (his workplace), he rose so fast. Nobody else there ever got up that fast. He was a strong man. You be sure to take his spirit!" Someday, insyaAllah, I'll write a book about this wonderful man.

Personally, I'm so glad he is who he is and he married my mother as she is and raised us the way they did. If my dad was mean and grouchy all the time, I don't think I'd be who I am today. I never thought of why it was so light-hearted of me to let go of him. He'd have wanted us to let go easily. I pity my mom though, I wonder what it'd be like to be her. Sure, they fight a lot, but at the end of the day, if it weren't for the both of them, we wouldn't be a happy family. And we were actually. Seeing someone you love with all your heart die must be the most painful moment ever. That's where we kids come in I guess. She's a strong woman, I'm sure she'll get through it. Supermom!

Oh wait I haven't finished explaining the first sentence xD me and my older sister, we're okay. I mean, from an Islamic view, we're okay. We pray, we make du'as and we know what's right and what's wrong. Maybe his death will affect us all in a good way, telling us to submit to our Lord, respect our mother to become anak-anak soleh dan solehah, cause it is the du'as made by those types of kids that are accepted. Okay it is like 2 am so if you don't really understand what I'm typing, I get it. Hahah, I'm starting to think I'm writing crap already. But oh well, I'm having fun.

Anyway, think of death, my dear friends. The wise thinks of death, so be one of the wise. Because when we think of death, we get scared. The reason we're scared is because we know we don't do enough good deeds. Walk away from the bad ones and increase the good ones. Make more prayers and more du'as, open up the Quran, the words are beautiful. Give sedekah, it's one of the things that'll give you pahala even when you're dead. Forgive those who has made you upset, always ask to be on the straight path, Allah guides who He wills. I know, you don't really feel the need to repent the way I do, cause you won't know until you get through it, but do try, okay?

The Brightest Star

Hey! I haven't written in so long, it's like I'm not even sure I can still make words into sentences anymore. Yes, that's how bad it is. I don't know what's wrong with me though, I don't feel like myself. But that's besides the point.

So, Ramadhan's ending :P I think this year, it's more about family for me. You see, my dad got sick, like really sick, and it would be so great for me if none of you ask about it or say anything to anyone or to me about the whole thing lah. I just don't like to be reminded. School's like the only place I can escape from the guilt of not knowing what to do, the stress of having my mom and my sister telling me to do this and to do that and you know, just everything there is at home.

But yeah, I mean, maybe this is God's way of showing me that blood is thicker than water. Friends are there when you're feeling blue, but they're only there for a while, if you notice. No offense, I mean, if you see me, I'm probably worse. I care for less than half an hour most probably. So yeah, don't feel bad. It's in our nature to care for just a little time. Maybe my family cares more because well, we're family. What can you say, right? We're all going through all the same stuff, all the same stress and we all have the same wish and we're all holding on to that hope that might bring us happiness again.

To be honest though, I'm happy. Or even if I'm not, I'm grateful for whatever that's happened. Be it my dad getting sick in Germany which is 10 thousand miles away from Malaysia, or my love life not working out, my best friend being an ass, or my results being bad as it is. I've never even once thought of how much trial god must be putting on me with everything that's happening. I mean, I shouldn't, should I? Maybe it's because things are going on too fast that I don't even have time to think about it hahah. Which is good, actually because I don't think I even want to be thinking of it. Things are good as it is.

There was that one night though, where I guess the bottle's just too full that it exploded. I have no idea what happened, but I was so mad at everything and at everybody in the house. What's worse was that I didn't want to talk to anyone about it except Mr. Harhar. Oh how scary it was to call him after a week of not talking to him, but I guess talking to him helped. It was a good 40 minutes on the phone. Of course we ended up talking about his girlfriend, but oh well.

You know, it's when you least expect things to happen is when it actually happens. All I can say now is, "what a month!" Time for new beginnings. Raya, hopefully, will bring us joy and happiness and closer to one another :) Happy Eid!

Ramadhan! Let's Clean Our Hearts

Hey there! So, Ramadhan's just around the corner and I, for one, am excited for its arrival! I don't know what it is about Ramadhan but for some reason, I feel at peace knowing that it's coming very soon. Ramadhan is a month of fasting and it's basically about remembering Allah and increasing your iman. Forget the world for once and focus on yourself and your takwa. Okay, maybe after the trials, then focus on yourself >.> 

Yeaaah, I don't really know what I should say here so I'm just gonna share what is in my book ^^

In the month of Ramadhan, we are to clean up our hearts: forgive and forget, hope for Allah's forgiveness. 

• Taubah from the misuse of the tongue (stop swearing).
• Taubah from the sins of heart
• Taubah from lack of modesty (I need to do that)
• Taubah from all the time we waste (do more ibadahs!)
• Taubah from trying to please others at the expense of displeasing Allah (focus on Allah!).

Besides that, we are to increase our level of motivation by increasing our ibadahs.

• Increase Rawatib prayers (the ones before and after our fardhu prayers. Its, if I'm not mistaken, 2 before subuh; 4 before zohor, 2 after; 2 before Maghrib; 2 after Isha'.)
• Pray dhuha (in the mornings).
• Pray Tahajjud (before sahur!)
• Fast (duh)
• Stay up after Fajr to read the Quran (and read during every free time :>)
• Du'a on the last hour of Friday (from Asar to Maghrib. But I think this should be done everyday, preferably about ten minutes before breaking your fast)

We should yearn from Allah's rahmat. Um, consciously intending and desiring the forgiveness of all out past and recent sins. The Prophet (s) said, Whoever fasts Ramadhan with iman and ihtisab (seeking for Allah's reward) will be forgiven of all his previous sins.

Whoever fasts one day for the sake of Allah, Allah will place between him and the Fire (Jahannam) a ditch as large as the distance between the heavens and the earth.

Ramadhan has arrived to you, a month of barakah (blessings). Allah envelops you (with His mercy and blessings), so He descends His mercy (this part was underlined but I don't know why >.>), erases the sins, answers the du'as and He watched in (this month) your competition/race for goodness and He boasts to His angels. 

Fasting and the Quran will both intercede for the slave on the Day of Resurrection. 

Fasting is a shield. So if it is a day where one of you is fasting, then he should not fulfill his desires, nor sin, nor yell, nor behave ignorantly.

The most beloved deeds to Allah are the most consistent, even if it is little.

The closest that a slave is to his Lord is in the last part of the night. If you can be among thses who remember Allah at that hour, then do so. 

This probably has nothing to do with Ramadhan, but it's so cool I must share !
 Wudu'
-Gives you brightness on the Day of Judgment.
Your faces, hands and feet will be bright on the Day of Resurrection due to your perfect wudu'. So whoever is able, should increase the brightness of his forehead, hands and legs.
-Removal of sins.
When the Muslim slave of Allah makes wudu' and washes his face, every sin his eyes have seen will be removed from his face with the water, or with the last drop of water. And when he washes his hands, every sin his hand touched (or grabbed) will be removed with the water, or with the last drop of water. And when he washes his feet, every sin he walked to with his feet will be removed with the water, or with the last drop of water. Until he leaves it pure of all sins.


Rawatib
-House in Jannah.
No Muslim slave will pray for Allah 12 voluntary rakaahs every day - besides the obligatory prayers, except that Allah will build a house for him in Jannah.
-The Fire prohibited to touch him.
Whoever maintains 4 rakaahs before Zohor and 4 after it (Wait, I dunno if it's 4 or 2 after Zohor o.o Maybe two kot..) Allah will make the Hellfire haram for him.

Dhuha
-Our sedekah for the day.
Every day, each one of you owes charity for each joint of his body. And every tasbih is a sedekah, every tahmid is sedekah, every tahlil is a sedekah, every takbir is a sedekah, commanding good is a sedekah, prohibiting evil is a sedekah. But two rakaahs a person prays at the time of Dhuha will suffice all of that.
-Prayer of the Repentant (at the hottest time)
The prayer of the repentant takes place when the baby camels find the sand at its hottest. (Uh, i dont get this.)

Uh okay so like, you guys know right that on the last ten nights of Ramadhan, there's this one special night called the Lailatul Qadar? Yeaaah, JOIN ME IN STAYING UP ALL NIGHT AND DOING IBADAHS <3 ahahhaha how excited I am.

I think Ramadhan is for you to reevaluate yourself. Well, I need to do that. A lot. I mean, look at me now. I'm all messed up. I am so gedik and annoying and loud. I embarrass myself and my friends in public and I'm just so.. immature. Yeah, yeah that's just who I am. But I don't wanna be that person. The way I describe the "gedik girls" from upstairs is how I am right now. So I better change before I've gotten used to this me..

Living is for God, And Only Him.

How can you say earphones are your life?! Or anything for that matter, "They're the reason I wake up every morning." How can you use that for something not alive? Let it be 400 bucks, but that's not worth anything if you think deeply. You wake up the next morning because Allah wants to give you another chance to live, to right your wrongs, not because of some worthless earphones.

Shouldn't you know better? Okay, I haven't been the best servant lately to Him, but I don't say that I don't want to live anymore because my phone got stolen, or because my heart got broken. To be sad is one thing, but to make it as if it's God? That's just low, even for you. You can say I don't get it, cause you bought it with your own money and I've parents who buy me everything I want, but it still doesn't give you the right to say what you said. Nothing will ever give you the right to say that.

Things happen for a reason. Maybe you were too in love with that thing "that gives you the reason to live", that Allah wants you to see how little attention you've been paying to him. Maybe it's to make you pray more or read the Quran more, since Ramadhan's coming. Maybe He doesn't want you to waste your Ramadhan days listening to music and forgetting your prayers, just to make time pass.

I don't even know how I can look at you, it disgusts me somehow. Don't worry, you won't even notice me gone, you've got substitutes. Maybe she can agree with you that the earphones that are broken are your life, and without them, you're dead. That's her, not me.

When you've cleaned your soul, come find me. For now, I have to get away from you before I turn into you. You might be cool and awesome, but this world isn't everything. There's another life you need to think of, and I suggest you start now. Sorry for being harsh, but I've no idea how to say it.

8-year Olds, We All Are.

Immature is a person,

the heart impoison;

Be it for you,

It now breaks in two.

"Okay" is what I am,

I'll never be as good as them;

Hard as I try,

I'll only end up in a cry.

Best friend, best friend.

Why do you call me that?

For when the other comes,

The spotlight, dim it becomes.

Like I said,

"Okay" is what I am.

"Too busy" is a term,

Used by those who squirm;

For them you have time,

Time for me is a crime.

What is it about me?

Too young to love,

too fragile to hurt.

You, who comes and go,

who makes me glow;

Constantly breaking me heart,

To make us grow apart.

Stop, please. I beg you to stop. Immature as I am, I still think of things, especially these things. Tell me you still like me, tell me you want us together after the exams. Or not, stop. End it. Just come up to me and say, "it's over."

To let go is a step,

To hold on is a misstep.

What are your words over his?

I'll get over it eventually,

As long as the hold doesn't pull me back.

Birthdays, Birthdays !

Not that I expect any of you to get me what I'm gonna ask for, but take it as a clue of what I would want as my birthday present :). That is, if you are getting me one >.> Not that I mind! So, relax if you aren't.

And so the list starts..

1. A set of Lego.
2. A packet of chocolate/coffee macaroons from Harrods.
3. Cardigans. Not black or grey, maybe white or beige or brown, one that's soft and covers ze butt, and is plain!
4.  Stripy, colourful socks! :D Not knee length or ankle length though.
5. Pretty things :3
6. A box of Patchi's dark chocolates.
7. A notebook, a journal la. Um, paperluxe, like my normal ones. Or well, whatever journal with not so huge lines and white paper, and is easy to open and write on works. With a pretty cover, that is.
8. A pair of white jeans.
9. More scarves~ Selendangs, I mean. Not brown though, i have two of those ._.
10. Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet, the original play.
11. Food, omg im so hungry right now. A box of Beard Papa's vanilla cream puffs, just for moi !
12. A Bros bottle, with the new design, the pretty ones :>
13. A real piano.
14. Running shoes! Not from Adidas though, me no likey.
15. A bag, a small one where i can fit my purse and phone.
16. A Sophie Kinsella book. I think I just may fall in love with her now hahah.
17. To get away from all these cakes and forks, especially the tiramisu. The drama, not the people. But I guess the drama comes with the people, so the people jugak. Unless they wanna make me happy.
18. Oversize shades~
19. Perhaps a teddy bear. Or a bunny bear ?
20. Moisturizing hand lotion xD
21. THOSE CLARKS SANDALS, THEY ARE SO PRETTY WHY I NO HAVE MONEH?! :(
22. Baking tools, I miss baking :(
23. T-shirts, I still don't have a lot ._.
24. Anything cute.
25. Maped compass, the one with a pencil, i think it's 6.80.

You know, all these gifts might be on my wishlist, and if I do get them, I'd be so thrilled, no matter who it's from, and what it may be. But one thing that can't compete is you walking in the neighborhood with me; feeling as if I'm special again. Depends if I ever was, but yeah, that's kinda it. Like I said, I'm not expecting anything. Heck, I don't even expect you to remember my birthday. It'd just be great if you'd show me you still have feelings for me.. I guess I just miss you. And yes I know, you're never gonna see this and I'm just being as pathetic as ever writing this down, making it for you to read when you never will. Or even if you do, you wouldn't even care! Like how you ended the chat so fast, that's how we were.

And I Love You Till the End

I remember your smile as the evening sun shone on your face, 

I remember your laugh, your voice, 

The strength you had, holding me when I was falling,

Where had that all gone? 

Was I in a dream or was it real?

If I was, who is so cruel to get me out?

I wasn't a damsel in distress, I wanted to be in there,

I was enjoying every single moment I had with you,

You are like no other.

The circuits in our skins connected and burst,

Like fireworks on New Year's eve.

You, of all people, had managed to take my breath away,

Letting me go into that world, the world I fear,

The world of Love. 

My heart was content, 

It was pulling me, dragging me,

Not stopping til in my head there were only those three words,

"I love you." 

I love you. I love you will all my heart, 

I love you so that I knew.

I knew something was not right,

And I was not sure to love or to let go.

I held on. How stupid of me?

I should have let go, I should have told myself to enjoy Europe,

Because you have already slipped away from me,

Two weeks was too long.

Words are not heard, eyes are not seen,

Our skins touched, 

The electricity must have faded along with the feelings,

Hearts do know how to play games.

Is it over?

Just tell me if it is, 

I can't hold on to it much longer,

I am hanging on a tree branch,

I want to get off. 

It's okay if I am left,

It is always okay.

Love is just too good to be true,

Especially if you were me.

Sadness and happiness come and go,

Hearts pump fast and slow, 

To let go of someone you love,

Gives me a reason to start from up above.

I will fall into the arms of my knight in shining armor,

It is just not you. 

You, the one I fell in love with,

I can't be with you as much as I want to.

You don't feel the same way, I know.

Love you till the end - the Pogues

I.I.

The Adventures of Mixed Feelings, 

forever in my memories.

If Only Words Were Said At The Right Time

"If I didn't say what I said that night, would anything have changed?" Tammy asked her best friend, Carter as she laid on the grass next to him, looking at the stars. He was the first person that came to her mind after her break up with her boyfriend, Sam. She came to him with teary eyes and he offered her a hug and said nothing else; he knew. There was always something about him, it was as if they could feel each other.

They talked as the evening sun turned to dusk and dusk turned to night. They had went to their hiding spot, where nobody else knew but them. A year before when they'd met, it was right there, coincidentally. They started hanging out and as their friendship bloomed, feelings started to kick in. They'd spend every moment they could there, talking as if time wasn't an issue and the world was not in their dictionary. Tammy found out that Carter was a lot like her. But their relationship didn't last long, it was only about a month when she woke up on day feeling nothing.

As they talked about her failed relationship, he comforted her, telling her she's special to him, in a way. Carter's always had this charm in him, where he could make Tammy smile with just simple words. He could flash her that smile that always gave her heart a little squeeze. But she knew she had no actual feelings for him; Carter was no more than a best friend and he had a girlfriend. There was no way Tammy would ever go in between their relationship.

After the sun had set and the sky's turned dark blue, they laid down on the grass, talking about them. About them, about what happened. It started when Carter told her, "guys are jerks." And she'd agreed, saying, "you were a jerk too, you know. Last year, I was still in love with you when you talked to me about Brenda. It was as if she was some kind of an extraordinary girl whom you've never met before and I was just there, listening to my heart breaking."

Carter sat up, looking at Tammy. "What? Wait, you never told me this. Why'd you say you were over me that night when I asked you what you were confused about?" he asked, his face puzzled.

Tammy got up as well, looking right into his eyes and thought for a second before replying, "because I was confused! I didn't know what to say. We weren't talking much at that time, and then there was that event in school, one which you didn't say a word to me!" Silence. And they laid back down, stargazing. "If I didn't say what I said that night, would anything have changed?"

"I don't know, maybe. We might still be together."

"No, no, no. You're with Brenda now, and you love her with all your heart, the universe has told you who you're meant to be with. And besides, weren't you already crushing on Brenda at that time? You and her were in the same sleepover at that dude's house mid-year last year, and you accidentally touched her hand and felt that zap of electricity. Right?'

"Yeah, but I just liked her. I could have stopped anytime. When you said you were over me, I was thinking of what I did wrong.. I thought you had fully given up on me, so I was like, okay. Brenda it is then. I felt like there was no point in liking you anymore," Carter said, his voice so full of feelings.

"Well, it's over now. You and Brenda will live together forever and ever."

And right there, Tammy thought, is this real? Or is he just saying this for fun? Does he still think about it? If he does, then does that mean we might have a chance together? Her heart made a leap and brought her back to reality.

You and Me - Lifehouse

H.R.

I know I really shouldn't be saying this now, or ever for that matter, but I'm sure for those of you who know me, I put my feelings above anything else, and I'm not doing it differently tonight. I have so much on my mind; I don't want to write about it, but it seems to be the only answer. I don't wanna talk to anyone because if I talk to my guy best friend, well, I'm afraid he'll get tired of me. I've been talking about it for ages. My girlfriends are probably asleep, considering it's almost 1 A.M. So, blog, here you are to serve as my listener for tonight, as you've always been for nights like these in the past.

Have you guys noticed that I've been a little too happy lately? By lately I mean the past few months. Yes, there were those days that I was upset, but on most days I was just living in my own world being the happy go lucky Amilah. Or at least, that's how I see myself. Saw. To be honest, I like that me. Even if I was unaware of the world around me, that me was a whole lot better than the me that I am going to be. That is, I hope I be.

Tell me I'm not the only one facing through this. I am scared, I don't want to admit it to myself, but I am. To step in the world of reality, that's a big one. And if I was honest, I'd say that I would never want to do that; I don't even want to have a peek at that hideous world. But I know I have to, because if I don't, when am I going to move forward? I am almost at the age of fifteen! How much longer am I going to be a child and act as if I'm cute when I know I'm actually not. No, I'm not sad about my appearance, looks don't matter. If anything, it's the last thing on my mind, there's no one to impress anyway. Besides, the longer I stay myself, the longer I will be me who procrastinates on doing homework; who doesn't care about projects and get crushed later when my marks are low; who keeps saying that it's okay, that it is always okay to fall in love, because that's what makes the world colourful. I am never going to change if I don't take this step.

They say that broken hearts make you stronger, but I've had my heart broken twice, and I'm still falling high from the sky and I land on the hard ground, alone in the middle of nowhere. So I don't see it making me stronger, I am the same, now and before. Yes, I'd learned a thing or two, but I'm still naive, the lost little lamb trying to find its way, meeting other lambs along the way, those of which kept leading it to the wrong way, over and over again. Love is a strong word. I've only used it for two guys (family doesn't count), one of which I never wanted to admit it was love, I was never sure. He was the most amazing guy I have ever met but he was never mine, if I were to admit it. I don't know, maybe because of that, I didn't want to say it was love. That was old news, it doesn't even matter anymore.

Now there's you. You, who in the past two months, are the first guy in my whole 14 years that I have spent more time with in real life than any other. You, who was wonderful to me, who I thought was my dream guy, because you fit exactly. I thought about you everyday, every single second my mind wasn't on something else. I still do. When you touched my hand, I know I felt something there, and then it popped in my head, I love you. I debated with myself, I didn't want to call it love. I am too young; I am me, who doesn't know what love means. But with you, I can't. I fell in love, which is why the thought of you not being with me bring tears to my eyes. Of course I didn't cry you a river, I held it back, the tears. I can't admit it, because if I cry, that means you're worth more. More than the that guy who gave me the best night of my life, more than my ex-boyfriend who I stuck up with for nine whole months. It will mean that I love you more. And I don't want to fall for you when you are falling out with me. It hurts.

Okay, you guys can tell me that I don't even know that for sure, that it might not even be true. But in reality, the thing that I know is that you have to expect the worst and hope for the best. In the middle of the typhoon in Japan, my aunt said, "I'm just thinking of the worst." Because we can't always think that it's gonna work out, that oh, maybe it's just one of those days. You don't know! I don't know. It could be that, I hope for it, but what if my ugly thoughts turn real? What do I do then? I have to be prepared, I have to stop myself from falling harder.

For the whole Europe trip, I daydreamed about the day I come back. I was hoping we'd walk, and I'd tell you everything about my experience in Europe. You'd tell about your two weeks, and I'd somehow mention that I am falling in love with you. I wanted to get back as soon as possible, I wanted to see you and talk to you as if nothing else in the world mattered. With all the Gossip Girl I've been watching, I wanted to be in your arms and never let go of you, though I'd never do that, it's against our religion. But I guess all that didn't happen, and it never is, is it?

The Holiday !

Hey there! It's been a while. Well, two weeks. And I had an amazing one with my trip to Switzerland (and England and Amsterdam). And I shall try to write everything about my experience here. Though I'd like to tell a certain someone more in real life, but it seems like that won't be happening. Oh well. I SHALL SAY WHAT I WANNA SAY HERE THEN :D Enjoy!

23rd May 2012 - Flight to Amsterdam

It was right after exams, my flight was on that night. Okay you know, there;s not much to say about this night, except that I went to another lounge in the airport, it was okay, but I like the normal Golden Lounge (it was under renovation) better. The one I went to was at the terminal before riding the aerotrain. Um, the business class in the plane was nice, but not as nice as the 747 plane. The in-flight entertainment was okay, I watched The Vow. They had the same movies as April, when I went to Japan. Damn, I must sound like some rich spoiled brat here. The business class tickets were kinda free, so.. And Japan was a um.. like "mengacau" or something as my mom called it. The distance to Amsterdam was 10,501km.

24th May 2012 - Amsterdam

We arrived at about.. well I don't remember, but it was early in the morning. I was tired, but noo, we had to spend the day out. Our hotel room was nice. It was huge, 4 singles, divided into two. As in, they connected two and two. We went out to Amsterdam central and walked around the city, met with my dad's student and his wife and toddler, ate lunch at a kebab restaurant there. When we were walking the streets of Amsterdam, something caught my eye, which was the Sex Museum xD I wanna go there, one day. When I'm married, of course. I mean, I'm intrigued. Then we went on the canal cruise, a one hour tour of the city on the boat. OH DID YOU KNOW, there are more bicycles than cars in Amsterdam. Bicycles were EVERYWHERE there, I was amazed. The houses in Amsterdam have a furniture hook, I don't really know what it looks like since I was half asleep on that boat ride, but it's to hang furniture to send to the upper floors because their stairs are too narrow. And when they move, they just throw their furniture out the window. We walked a little more, to the flower market. They sell a lot of flower bulbs, tulip bulbs mostly. But tulip season was finished when I got there, we were 4 days late. There was this cheese shop, I went in and tasted the best cheese in the whole wide world! It was cheddar I think. My mom took another kind of cheese, it seemed like it had black pepper in it, didn't taste good. Walked a little further and there was a hammock shop. Me and my sisters went crazy, trying as many hammocks as we could. A hammock is better than a bed, you know. In five years, when I have my own house, be sure to get me a hammock on my birthday, okay? The one made of fabric, not the one with ropes. It's expensive though >.>

25th May 2012 - Den Haag (The Hague), Holland

What's Hague? Den Haag is like a city about an hour from the airport (where the main train stations are). Um, we went to Madurodam or whatever the name is. It's like a miniature world. They made miniature buildings of Holland from.. well I dunno from what, something like Lego I guess? And there were people, tiny people walking around the city. Not walking, but you know what I mean. There was even a lady in a hijab, how awesome is that? xD So we spent like 3 hours just touring the miniature city, learning about a little bit of the history of the Netherlands. And then we went for lunch by the beach. It was hot, the sun was just.. hot. And it was windy, a perfect day to go to the beach. If only I could wear a bikini, oversize shades and a huge sun hat.. When it was a little bit in the evening, we went to a cafe and drank tea, like the rich :> I HAD THE BEST ICED LEMON TEA THERE ! It was sparkling water, awesomeness!

And I think I'll stop here for now, it's 4.40, I'm tired of writing already.

The Pen is Mightier than the Sword

I'm going to Amsterdam in about 103 hours. But for some reason I don't feel that excitement, the one I feel every time I'm going overseas. It's as if I'm here but I'm not here. As if I'm alive but I'm in a dream. As if I'm sad but I'm happy. Is that weird? It's not like how I felt in Italy, where I was on clouds, floating, even though I was stepping on solid ground. I know I'm here, I know I'm writing this and sitting on this bed. I just can't seem to feel the days going by.

Maybe because we're having exams now and it's like my head is always in a book, reading about history and whatever whatever. Okay fine, maybe not ALWAYS. But more than it was before. I guess that also explains why I'm so tired all the time, which makes me feel empty when I am honestly, happier than I ever was before. Really, I am. It's just that sometimes I get a little down when things don't go my way.

Anyway, I wanna be a writer! I want to grow up and have a bookshelf in my study or in my living room with my books on it; books written by Amilah Marzuki; books that talks about my life, my words, my friends, my family, you. I want to go to a writing camp for a week or two or even a month, and be assigned to a writer who will teach me how to write, how to show feeling in my piece of art. I don't even care if there will be people around me who are better than me in everything, I just want a work of my own, a book of my own.

I want to learn how to write poetry. I want to be Shakespeare. I wanna be Emily Dickinson. I wanna be like those poets who change people's lives, who touches people's hearts. I want to make someone cry reading my work, not because it's sad, because it's so beautiful. I want to be able to write that kind of work. I don't know what point I'm trying to make here, but I just want to let it out, to say all these things, because I don't believe that it's ever going to happen. Who am I? Look at my vocabulary, it's so tiny even a pea can't go inside it.

All of this, I hope it's not just a dream. I don't wanna grow up taking English Literature in college and then drop out to become a simple baker. I know, I like baking, but I love writing. Even if I'm not good, you know. It's like how you love taking pictures even if you're not good at it, or how you love drawing even if they don't turn out the way you plan it to. My love for writing is the one thing that I hope doesn't change when everything else is.

Some Things Are Not Better Left Unsaid

I see you now and I feel that my heart skips a beat; it races from Italy to China 200 miles per hour; my mind just go entirely blank. Smiles that are meant for me, honestly I could say, I have died and lived again. The way you give your smiles, the way you give that one smile, it just makes me feel as if I wasn't on this Earth; as if I was in my own world. I mean, yeah sure, maybe you do give that smile to everyone, but that moment when you actually flashed me that smile, I just felt as if it was for me and me only. I must sound so proud right now, huh? Bear with me, so much more to tell.

And then there are walks and talks. I can say that his voice can make me smile, just like that. Even if he's not talking to me. In the car, whenever I am not paying attention to my surrounding, thinking about this and that, and I hear his voice, my mind just stops working for a while. But I do not care about the silence; when you like someone, you don't exactly need to talk all the time. It's enjoying the moment, the feeling. You know that feeling, the feeling of knowing that there's someone there beside you who cares, who is willing to send you home by foot, and then walk back up hill; that fuzzy, warm feeling mixed with ten years' worth of excitement that's just bursting to get out, all of it, it's all just joy and happiness. And when you ran to me, it's like telling me that you want to be there with me, that your feelings are real. When your hands touched mine, how the electricity flowed, making my heart skip a beat, leaving me not breathing for a second. Time stopped. I stopped, though by feet continued to move forward. (Don't say anything. I did tell him after, that we're not supposed to have direct contact).

Then I know. I know that everything is fine whenever I'm with you; when I am where you are, nothing else matters. The parents, the time, the world, they're not significant. We could sit in silence for hours and I wouldn't mind, because honestly speaking, it is not one bit awkward. It is not odd and it doesn't make me think of what I should say next, if I'm being boring or if you're ever gonna leave me if I don't start talking, because the comfort is just there. My insecurities just fade away. I get it now what Will feels in that movie, Waiting For Forever, where he just follows the girl he loves wherever she goes though he doesn't say a word to her. It's because it's more than enough, you just know you're safe when you're with that person. Do you get me?

I don't know if it's too early to be saying all these things, but that's just how I feel. I'm not saying I'm in love, because I don't think I'm in love. Love is just too big of a word to use right now. I understand now why people say that talking in real life is ten times better than chatting on electronic devices, because it fills the emptiness inside, there aren't distractions everywhere, it's your special time with that person. I'm not saying that I hate chatting on WhatsApp or MSN, it's just that, talking to you in person, where I can see your face, your smile, it's just better, way better. But it doesn't change how I feel about you. And I hope nothing will.

I want to tell this to the whole world, but I know I can't. I say it here, even though I know I'm not supposed to, because I want to tell you, dear friend of mine, but I don't want your response, because the guilt that would rise up inside me is just too much to handle. I'm sorry, I know you like him, and I know how it hurts. But I don't know, I just don't know things like you do. I'm not good with people's feelings. I know you don't want to give up on him 'cause you're hoping that one day he'll be yours. I don't blame you, I seriously don't. I mean, right? 'Cause that's how I felt last year, and oh my God, if I don't say this now, I never will. And I could just hope that you read it, and understand cause even I don't understand what I'm doing or saying.

It just sucks. That feeling of knowing that your friend is with the guy you like, and you liked him first, so he's supposed to be yours. And he liked you, you said. And what did I do? Did I just take all that away? Did I change something? Am I bad? 'Cause I'm really, really sorry. From the bottom of my heart, I apologize, but I don't know what to do. I know I'm probably being like the worst friend in history, saying all of this, it's like I'm shoving everything in your face. And in school, when everyone is "ooh-ing" me to go to him, I mean, I don't know, you must have felt miserable all the time. I'm just really, really sorry. It's all I can say. Gah, I feel like crying saying all this. That's really weird, because I don't think I've said anything!

Okay, look. If you really, really want to be with him, then tell me. I can take it, I've been through it before. Seriously you can just go up to me and say that you like him and that you don't want to give up on him, and I'll back away. Because if you don't, I'll just go on hurting you. And you know me, I'm the jealous type, the insecure one, whenever he chats more with you I'll probably feel as if I'm not as important. Don't you guys have more chemistry, anyway? It doesn't matter if I get hurt. There are so many more guys out there, and you seem to really, really be sad about letting him go. Getting over something you've never had is one of the worst feelings ever. And I just can't imagine you doing that for me. Who am I anyway?

If you feel like you can treat him way better, which I'm sure you can, cause I'm just.. me, just go on and tell me. I'm fine, I'll always be fine. I have my Temple Run boyfriend, and I can always watch/read love stories and fall in love with people from there. I don't mind, 'cause they won't hurt me, would they? I can keep myself busy, I've got cousins and homework and Harith, who is always there talking about his love life. I've grown up, I've matured in these things. I've learned more things, on how to handle this and that, and I will survive. Okay, yeah, he won't like you just like that, but who knows, he might. Oh God, I'm not making him sound as if he's a toy, am I? 'Cause I don't think of it that way, it's just, me telling that I'll back off if you want me to.

I just can't go on seeing you sad, seeing you tweeting about how you're sad lahh, I can't. So tell.

You people must think I'm a b*tch now, stealing the heart of a guy that's supposed to be my friend's. Even if you don't think so, I feel like one.

The House on the Hill

This is supposed to be my Scholastic essay, which is awesome (to me) and it's like my best work yet (again, to me) WHICH DID NOT get sent by teacher, sigh :( But I shall share it here :D And okay, apparently the first part is retarded. Oh well, whatever,

“The house on the hill,                                                                                                                                                                                                           Is said to send chills;                                                                                                                                     That of those who came in,                                                                                                                              Are never again seen."

Those were the words I was told by my parents who got them from their parents and so on. Folklores said the house was built a few centuries ago by a man named Ed McCauley, with his bare hands. It was built for his wife who later ran away with a man she’s been having secret affairs with. Mr. McCauley was demented and shot himself.

Every few months, new people move into the house, but we never know what happens to the previous owners. They say Mr. McCauley still haunts the house, waiting for the man who took the love of his life away. He couldn’t pass the light, for he was still having a grudge in his heart.

It was the night of Halloween; I just turned twelve. I put on my Frankenstein costume and met with my two buddies, Jake and Lila. Lila’s a girl, but she’s kind of cool for one. So that night, while other kids were “trick or treating” with their parents, getting candies in their Halloween pumpkins, Jake’s idea was to go up to old Mr. McCauley’s house to check out if the ghostly tales were real. Lila and I agreed to follow.

We set up our bikes right in front of the house. The cold autumn wind gave an eerie sound to the background, branches of bald trees scratching the glass windows of the upstairs bedrooms. “Ready, Jake? Adam?” Said Lila, her voice was shaking; I could tell she was frightened by the sight.

“Yeah, on the count of three, we enter. One, two, three,” replied Jake. We took a few steps forward when a branch fell to the ground making a strident sound that made Lila jump in shock. “You guys, I don’t think we should go in.”

“Don’t be such a baby! It’s just a branch!” said Jake with all his confidence and quickly went inside.

We stood, three twelve year olds on the front porch of the house, when suddenly the door opened. It must have been the wind. The floorboards creaked as we stepped inside, cautious of everything around us. It was all dark, but we had equipped ourselves with flashlights before starting the journey. The corners of the white walls were covered with spider webs and dust bunnies. The furniture was covered in dusty, vast white sheets. Even the entrance hall looked uninviting.

“Let’s go upstairs first, and then we could check out the downstairs,” said Jake.

“Oh, uh o-okay,” I stammered, hesitating.  I wasn’t sure if we should go upstairs first, but then again, I wasn’t sure of anything. My instincts told me something bad was going to happen, but I couldn’t tell them that. I’d be called a coward.

One by one, we climbed up the stairs, Jake was leading the way. We entered the first room on the left; it was a bedroom with a huge portrait of Mrs. McCauley pasted on the wall, just staring at us with her beady eyes. The century-old red velvet bedspread was covered with dust, making it look maroon colored. “Hello! Is anybody here? Mr. McCauley! We’re in your bedroom!” shouted Jake.

I punched him on the side, “Dude! Are you trying to get us killed?” Jake looked at me with an irritated face, “Relax, man. There’s no one here. Ed McCauley’s been dead for centuries. What are you, a chicken?” The anger was building up inside of me, I knew I shouldn’t have done anything but he got on my nerves, so I shoved him to the ground.

“Adam! What is wrong with you?!” Lila was obviously mad.

“Well, he started it!” Without a second thought, I stomped out the door, walking, not knowing where I was heading. I muttered to myself of how selfish Jake was. I found myself entering another bedroom. I slammed the door behind me. There was a full length mirror with a gold frame on the wall. I wiped the dust away and saw my reflection, my face was all red. I threw the flashlight I was holding to the direction of the mirror; I didn’t want to see myself, I hated the coward I was. Tiny pieces of glass were scattered on the floor.

I couldn’t do anything; I was paralyzed at the sight, thinking of what I just did, when all of a sudden, Lila came into the room, tears rolling down her eyes. “Adam, have you seen Jake? He ran away and now I couldn’t find him. I’m so glad I found you,” she said, hugging me so tightly. I pat her back, asking her what had happened. “After you went out of the room, Jake started shouting and cursing someone named Howard. He took out a lighter from his bag and said that he was going to burn him to death. I tried to stop him, but he got out of the room too fast. Adam, he didn’t sound like himself. He kept calling me Jane. Who are those people?”

“Jane McCauley. She was Ed’s wife and Howard was the man she had an affair with. They say Mr. McCauley’s trying to kill the man who took Jane away. I’m guessing his spirit went into Jake’s body. Come on, we’ve got to find him before something bad happens.” I told Lila, taking her hand and rushing out of the room. I called out to Jake, over and over. No answer. I thought hard and headed to the kitchen. If he was going to burn something, he’d need gas, and the kitchen’s the place he might find some.

He wasn’t there. Just then, I heard a man’s voice, laughing so creepily from the basement downstairs. We walked out of the house as the stairs to the cellar was located outside. Slowly going down, the voice of Ed McCauley grew louder, “Jane, my beautiful Jane. I will never forget the day we got married, you were the one who kept me alive.” He sounded so innocent, so harmless. And then he changed, he was suddenly angry, filled with hatred, “But you left me for that sorry excuse for a man! How could you?” (HELP THAT PART, BETUL KE?)

I was right; Mr. McCauley had possessed Jake’s body. He was sitting down on the floor, burning the scattered pictures of Jane and him, rocking himself back and forth, as if he was crazy. Around him were the skeletons of those who had lived in the house. They had all died down there. I braced myself to go over to Jake, and shook him. “Jake, is that you?” He didn’t look at me let alone give a respond. I shook him harder and he clouted me to the ground. As I got up I felt that my hand was greasy, it was petrol, I could smell it.

Jake gave me a glare and a wicked smile as he flicked the lighter in his hand on. “Goodbye, Howard. You took away my Jane, now I’m taking you away!” With that, he set the picture in his hand on fire and threw it on the floor. The flame headed to me as I was covered in oil. I ran, taking Lila’s hand, ignoring her cries about leaving Jake behind. When we finally reached above ground, I quickly shut the cellar door and we ran as fast as we could away from the house. Before I left, I heard a voice shouting, “Curse you, Howard Collins! I will get my revenge on you one day!”

Heart beating fast, I stopped running and let go of Lila’s hand. She fell to the ground, crying and mourning over a lost friend. I just stood there staring at the house that was now in flames. It was the only bright light in the dark Halloween night. Everyone, as I saw, was staring up. It wasn’t a very common sight. I knelt down and took Lila in my arms, trying to calm her down, “its okay, Lila. It’s all going to be okay. We’re safe. It just wasn’t Jake’s luck.”

That Halloween night, three twelve year old kids managed to burn down the house on the hill, a house that was said to have made history throughout the years. And out of those three kids, only two survived. It is a memory I will never forget. I am now twenty-two years old, and I stood at where I stood ten years ago with Lila, looking at the bare piece of land. The place where the house used to stand, the house my friend Jake had managed to burn down. I wonder where he is now, probably up in the heavens, poor boy. He died at a young age. Sometimes when I think about it, I get that feeling of regret, but what can I do? The past cannot be changed.

Mirror, Got Anything to Say?

Oooohh oh my God, this is new!! The drafts I mean. Oooh, prettyyy. But I srota still like the old one. But coooooool, it's new! Hahahah, okay nampak sangat dah lama tak bukak blog xD Enough about that. I shall start on my post, which is just about me actually, feel free to click 'X' on your tab :P.

In case you don't know, I'm this kind of person who is not, really, is not good in any kind of relationship. Or well, at least I think not. WAIT DON'T GET TO THE CONCLUSION THAT I'M WITH SOMEONE, I'M JUST WRITING THIS LALALA. Anyway, I'm this person who gets jealous, like when my friend is talking to someone who I don't know or something, I'd be like, "kay, I'm alone, I shall forever be alone >.>" hahah, fine, maybe the last part was a bit of an exaggeration. But I do, like most girls. I guess I've learned from past relationships that I shouldn't really get jealous, but hey, it the feeling comes, what to do, what to do?

Hmm, what other bad thing about me is there? Oh, I get insecure. A lot. I'd always be asking myself if I'm worth it or pretty enough or like interesting. I am so not good with starting topics. Or replying. Unless I talk about myself. Is that bad? :\ 'Cause whenever I do, people would just be like, "Oh." But sometimes I just, I mean, I don't know what to reply, if I say something like, "that's not good," then they'll probably get mad at me. Or maybe it's just in my head. Hahhahahahahha, dudes, I'm not pointing to anyone here, I just didn't get enough sleep and I'm hyper at 8:39 a.m. in the morning, so faham faham je laa.

I might get too close. Um, like I'd be there, but I expect you to start the conversation, cause I have nothing to say. It's like, I'm a creep or something. Okay you know what, this post is a failure. I do not know how to judge myself. I'm too hyper right now hahaha. I'm gonna go study Sejarah la, but if there's one last thing I could tell is that, you will at one point get annoyed or irritated by me. Seriously, no matter how nice you are, you will. 'Cause honestly, if I look at myself, I'm this really gedik girl who likes praising herself. I know I say those upstairs people (NO OFFENSE) are gedik, but dude, look at how many times I used the word, "like", look at how loud I get, shouting from one block to another, and how vain I am, taking pictures of myself every time there's a camera. As if I'm so pretty xD.

My point is, I'm not really easy to handle. I'm weak, I fall into stuff a lot. It's easy to lead me on, to make me fall in love, but once you do that, I just keep falling, and I need someone to catch me, be there for me. I don't know, I'll try to keep my expectations low, or have no expectations at all, but don't everyone get expectations? So I can't really avoid it. Good luck being someone to meeee, you'll need it !

OKAY BYEE ! I SHALL GO STUDY SEJARAH NOW, Because ada orang tu suruh Amilah dapat A ._. macam mana laaaaah D:

A Walk To Remember (Icanfinallyusethat)

Last Sunday, 1st of April. Honestly, nothing much happened. Story of my life, haha, it's always like that, nothing much happened or it's just a 'meh' thing, but hey, there's nothing wrong with getting excited about it, is there? And maybe it's just me that's excited about it; that's making a big deal out of it, sometimes I feel bad for myself, but I don't wanna think about that now. It's enough that I freaked out the other day, I should at least be happy over this. OKAY, enough, I shall go with the story now.

So last Sunday was the day I went to Japan. I had worked on my Permata Pintar thing which was needed for ICT, and I did my History project, which is actually insignificant but it has something to do with the story. Anyway, I printed the Permata Pintar thingy for DD as well, and her History porject, and by six-thirty, I was getting ready to send the papers I printed to Raihah's house for her to give the teacher. I feel like I'm not going anywhere with this story, man. I was chatting with this guy (I know I gave out his identity in the two last posts, but I is no like writing his name, it makes me smile like an idiot) about stuff that are kind of meaningful to me. TO ME, get that, and I am nobody okay, so like, it's actually just meh. Blah, okay, and then I when I was finished printing and all, I was going to walk to Raihah's house which is like 2km from my house and since his house was on the way and I was chatting with him, I asked if he wanted to join me. And he said yes.

So I met him halfway. Well, not really halfway, more like 3 quarts of the way, seeing as I had to climb up Mount Everest in order to reach his place, of which he still said I walked so slow as if I was a snail. Men. Like he walks so fast >.> I tried not to smile, seeing him there, standing 5 feet away from me. But I couldn't, he was there, wearing what I think was SAB shorts with a black Beatles t-shirt, which kinda looked a bit tight on him, but whatever, he still looked good haha. If I remember correctly, he smiled back-but just a smile, not a goofy grin like how I smiled-that seriously made my heart beat faster. When i reached him, heart still beating uncontrollably (which explains the goofy smile), he complained about how slow I walked. I argued, but as I did so, I half-laughed. Having crushes on people makes you do weird stuff.

We walked, went downhill to Raihah's place and everything, talked about this and that. I forgot actually, though I do remember us talking about phone numbers. I left my file in Raihah's mailbox, since it was nearly 7 p.m. and she was just praying Asar. I asked him to walk me back home, cause I mean, dude, it was dusk and I was scared to walk alone. I asked earlier though. Not really asked, I just told him he needed to send me back home, which he replied with an odd look. But I guess he was okay with it cause he did send me home. Oh God I hope you guys are not bored with this, cause if you are, I get it. I'm not adding awesomeness into the story, I'm like repeating everything. Amilah is bad at writing, Amilah shall never make writing as a career.

We took the shortcut near Raihah's place to get to the main road. I let him go first, cause I was scared to go. Man, I'm such a scaredy-cat. In my head, I'd have a hard time climbing up (there weren't exactly stairs, just the ground. It was shaped like stairs from having so many people climb up from it I guess), and I'd ask him to lend me a hand and it'll be all like romantic you know. But that didn't happen. I'm sort of disappointed but hey, at least it was a sin that I didn't commit, so Alhamdulillah. We walked and we talked about airplanes and swine flu, how the pigs got it from the birds because the birds poop into the pigs' food hahah. When he walks, his cheeks bounces up and down and oh man, it's so cute! He was like a chubby little kid, who is so fair with a round head and he wears glasses. I do not know why but I am attracted to guys who wear glasses.

There was this one moment where he actually laughed out loud like for real, and for me to hear that, I dunno, I guess it made me go all excited inside. I found his laugh funnier than the funny thing. He was still recovering from his sore throat which made his voice a bit lower. AND OKAY DON'T JUDGE ME BUT I THOUGHT IT WAS HOT HAHAH. Back to the story. When we got near my house, there's this um "alley" where you need to walk through and in that "alley" there's a drain. He was showing me his 50 bucks, saying he was gonna go to Tutti Frutti and I dunno, I guess I got jealous or something, I pushed him closer to the drain. I didn't realize it though, honest! I realized it when he told me to go farther away from him hahaha.

And this one really sweet thing he did was, he waited for me to go inside my house instead of just leaving me there. Things I shall never forget. I guess it was something special to me because he was the last friend I met with before going to Japan. And we were like, sending texts to each other until I was in line to enter the plane. It was kinda like a boyfriend-ish kinda thing if you ask me. BUT NO. HE DOES NOT FEEL THAT WAY ABOUT ME I'M JUST MAKING THIS WHOLE THING SOUND SO. I'm not gonna listen to anything any of you say unless it's, "He doesn't like you, he likes this other girl...."

I am done with my story, it is not interesting in any way, I know. But I is just have to write it before I go crazier. Stupid smile ugh. I shall go do something other than writing now lalala. JAPAN WAS AWESOME BTW. THE TRAINS ARE LIKE OMG. AND THE SAKURA ! SubhanAllah cantik sungguh, you could forget about the world seeing the flowers!

"Falling Apart"

Things don't last forever. I mean, no matter how much you think it will, how much you believe it will, they don't. At least, not in your teen years. And it is just so sad seeing something fall apart, even if it's not happening to you. Or maybe it's just me who feels that way. But that's not the point. Being sad and everything, that's besides the point. I don't know the actual point, but I think it's the story. After one thing ends, that's the end of the chapter. That's it, then. That person, the special person in that chapter, she's forgotten. She will be forgotten.

On one special day, it starts, and as the days go by, you fall for her more and more. Tried everything to make her feel the way you do. For months, it's complaining about the same things, asking, doubting. And then, it's a new year, and you've changed. I don't know in what way, but you have. You still talk the same way, you're still the same sort of unfriendly, talkative guy, but the change in you is so huge, I just... I can't put my finger on what it is. Now you're giving up on her. I mean, okay, maybe if I were you, I'd get tired of the same attitude for the past two thousand months, and I'd probably do the same thing you're doing. I don't blame you. I even think you should have done it sooner. But seeing two people part, after so long, after all of it, it's sad.

Maybe because I was there from the start. From when you weren't together yet. And I was there, listening to you about her, listening to my heart breaking, piece by piece. Then, when I realized how good you both were with each other, this happens. You're breaking up with her. Or well, thinking about it. Hahah, and I'm the one getting bummed out about it. Unbelievable. All this time, well, before this year, that's the one thing I wanted, and for you to see me the way you see her. But now, -not that you see me in that way- it's something that I don't want. But of course, it's not me who decides.

Hey, maybe things fall apart for some reason. And I shouldn't be sad about it, I'm not even in the situation. Feelings are un-explainable. Oh, maybe because everything in my life is not glued together, they're not going the way I want it to. And by that I mean my love life. So, it's nice to know that my two close friends are happy together in a relationship. But now that you're planning on letting her go, well.. that's a different story. We'll see in the next chapter I guess.

The Heart Has Strong Powers

Izz.

I have no idea why I'm doing this and I don't know where I'm going with this. It's going to be crappy and it won't make sense, but if you want to read it (if there is a way that you somehow find out about this blog), then go ahead. I'm not stopping you.

This is me, saying that I am sorry. I'm sorry if in the future I will be mad for no reason or not talk to you for a long time all of a sudden or the other way around. I'm sorry if I say anything that is sweet or girlfriend-like, like saying you're special or that you're cute or that I love you or whatever line there is in the dictionary. And I'm sorry if I will ever act weird in front of you, like all gedik and "cute" or whatsoever. I just... I don't know! I think I like you, but I don't feel it. I want to like you, but I'm just so confused. And I'm here most of the time being overexcited over something nice that you said on a chat. Like oh, how you would buy me things and write my initials on your status with a cute smiley and all.

I mean, how should I know if those are just the normal things that you do? How am I supposed to react, when someone I like does those kind of things to me? I like you. I don't know! Maybe I do, maybe I don't. I haven't exactly figured that part out yet, and I'm not even sure I want to. If all you're doing is leading me on, then what for should I like you with actual feelings. I'm back to not knowing what I'm doing, what I'm feeling. Gosh, it's just so messed up! Maybe it's all in my head, maybe I'm dreaming. That's another thing, I KEEP GETTING DREAMS OF YOU, Omg, what is it about you that is so good that you have to walk into my dreams and make it as if you're actually there, that you're actually saying and doing those things?

OKAY, enough! I'm just repeating things over again and I am not making sense and I'm just like, freaking out here 'cause I somehow want you to know, but I don't want you to know. And I know you won't know, cause if there is a chance you'd find and actually read what I'm saying, that would be one in a million. I am glad you aren't gonna see it too 'cause if you do see it, then it's all over. See how messed up I am? I am so confused, the thoughts in my head are spinning around, the same things over and over again.

Look, Izz, if by any chance you are leading me on, playing with my head or feelings or whatever, then stop. Honestly, stop. I would be better off not expecting your texts or to chat with you or gifts from you or anything. If I'm not, then boo me. But expecting something from a guy that doesn't think of you in that way, it just sucks. Do you know how sad it is to find out that what you have thought is true all this while is actually not. I really have to grow up and face reality; know that things don't always go my way, and that I have to deal with nice people like you and not fall in love so fast. I'm just weak, okay. I don't know how to be strong, even after how many guys. What can I say, I'm a late bloomer, a slow learner? I am not like other people, I do not get strong after one break up and after one let down. I go back to where I started and get disappointed again. I don't try to make it different. I don't even know how! I know, I know, you're seeing me now as a sad little girl who doesn't know she's living in a huge round world. But what? I'm naive, I'm lost all the time. I don't know where to go, what to do and everything!

So forgive me.

I'm Leaping Over the Place I Should Land

Okay, I don't really know what to write, but there's something going on in my head, so I think I'm just gonna type it out. Yes, it's about that guy I talked about before. Well, kind of. It's related to him. I might mention his name one day in the future, but not now, not yet. Okaay, moving on.

I just read my friend, Abdan's blog. It touched me, really. Seeing someone who can put that much meaning in a post, that's just inspiring. For me, that is. Maybe cause he was talking about his love for someone, and you who read my blog must know that I am such a cheesy girl, I go crazy over lovey dovey things. No, relax, I'm not falling for him. Sorry, Abby, but I don't think that'll ever happen, hahah, we should just stick to being friends.

But I do wish, that when I grow older, I'd meet a guy whose passion is literature, whose words are so deep, you'll melt when you read his work. That's kind of one of the things I want my dream guy to have, powerful words. You know, a guy who writes love letters instead of text messages; the kind of guy who plays songs for me, who comes to my house in the middle of the night, all those corny stuff. I do not mean Harith in this. And I don't think the guy I like is like this.

Though, if I have to marry a guy who is a total opposite, then it's okay, because if it's possible, I want an arranged marriage. InsyaAllah in the future I'll be more pious than ever. Besides, if he's my soul mate, what can I do, right? At least he'll love me for me, and if I don't like it, I'll get something better in the Hereafter. Okay, enough talking about marriage, I'll probably go in detail of how I want my wedding to be and who my bridesmaids are and all that, hahah. Girls.

Anyway, about the guy. I don't know about him. I mean, I don't get my feelings. Whenever I think of him or anything, nothing comes to my heart. But when in class, or wherever and someone mentions his name, I'll feel like time stops, it'll take me a second to process all of it. My heart'll skip a beat, my muscles tighten around the cheeks, not letting me stop smiling. Usually if I've a crush and something happens with him, I'd be itching to tell my friends or even the whole world, but with him, I don't know, I don't feel that way. I don't bother telling anyone, except my diary cause I want to keep the memory.

You experienced people, you tell me. Does that mean that I don't like him that much? Don't tell me he's a rebound guy, cause I've had a rebound guy which I was so sure I was in love with him 'cause of some coincidental eye contacts. The thing is, I want to like this new guy, but I don't want to be with him. Well, okay I'm lying, of course I wanna be with him, but I promised myself I won't be in a relationship (you know, the boyfriend girlfriend thing) with anybody till I'm married, so I'm gonna keep that promise. Unless he proposes to me unofficially which I admit, I do fantasize about it sometimes, hahah, but that's impossible.

Shouldn't it be stressing me less if I don't really have feelings for him? But oh my God, I want him to text me every second, I want to spend time with him, I want to talk to him non-stop for ages, but I can't! Whenever I'm with him, I've no idea what to say and he runs to his friends, cause it'd be too awkward. How he types, well, I can bear with it, but it's so not how the guy I want to like types. Okay, that's just silly. And why am I complaining?! At least he talks to me, that should be enough.One question. If I don't think I'll end up with him in the future (though I do think about it sometimes), then why am I continuing to like him?

Oh there's this other thing. If you know him, he's this kind of guy (at least to me) who is so childish he would never admit anyone other than him is awesome, he would keep on teasing you until you get annoyed and he would reply to every statement that you have, even if it's silly until you go speechless and say that he has won. And on last Friday night (I'm sorry Abdan I told you I was gonna go study, but Harith made me go online, and I kinda haven't talked to him in ages, and I sorta ranted to him that evening, so... OKAY IF YOU'RE MAD, I'M SORRY D: But hey, I was sorta freaking out too and I didn't know what to reply to you and all that. I'm not all that wise.), we chatted on MSN. He started it as soon as I went online. I was my annoying self, of course. At least to him. He gave me this song, "This Shit Gets Old" by Never Shout Never or Never Say Never or something, I forgot the band's name, but there was this other time when he gave me a song, from the same band, with the title "Jane Doe" and even if it wasn't for me, I kinda felt like it was.

Okay, so he gave me that song and he said that it was for me. I thought it was an insult, which he said was the surface meaning, and that there was another one. He said the other meaning is that even though I am annoying, there's a better side of me. I think that's what he said. His exact words were, "even though you annoying its there is better side of you :B." So, I'm not sure what he means, you tell me. And then, we were talking about Mirrors, the movie and he told me I should watch more scary movies and I said I wouldn't watch any alone, so he said he'd watch it with me. I don't know, maybe I overreacted, but is that really nothing? Be honest, I've grown up, I can take things. At 2.30 a.m. I said I would go watch TV, and go offline. He kept on scaring me, but of course I had Ayat Kursi for protection and I wasn't alone in the room, so I wasn't that scared. But I gotta tell you, the lights off in my parents' bedroom is really dark. Anyway, he said he'd eat my cake, the one I baked with Lily. I continued the chat saying if I couldn't sleep, I was going to text him, a lot. He was, well, it was like he wanted me to text him. I dunno, like I said, I overreact most of the time.

As you'd expect, I did text him. It went on till 3.30 a.m. which was when I couldn't stay awake anymore. There was this one message where he admitted I was awesome. The message went like this : Muahaha... ur welcome for the recipe.. and okey la.. u are awesome :3" I was all hyper over it, telling him I was gonna save that message and everything, hahah. And and, the next morning, I'm not sure if he told his sisters he was texting me and and that they asked him to invite me or what, but he said that he was at this restaurant sort of place near his house and he asked me if I wanted to join them. That's it.

For the rest of that day and that weekend, we didn't talk. Except on Facebook which he didn't really layan me after chatting with me a few seconds. But it was nice of him that he sent a goodbye text cause he didn't say it in FB before going off. OKAY Now I'm making this blog post like my imaginary pad where I write stuff in my head, ugh. Sorry you people had to go through with reading all this.

AND SO, what I want to know is, was he leading me on? Or am I just too I dunno, I expect too much and I jump too fast and all that? Okay, enough. I'm not talking anymore, I'll crap more and more stuff. And it'll just be sad. Byee!

Oh yeah and I said I'd have a quote for this. Meh, I'm too lazy to go search for one. I'll leave it for the next one.