Would You Marry You?

Okay, I took that from a book, but whatever. I'm gonna write about it anyway.

So, would you? Would you marry you? Answer it honestly, 'cause if you lie, you're just lying to yourself. And who's gonna trust you, if you lie to yourself?

If I were to ask myself that question, which I am currently doing, I don't think so. That's honest, okay? I mean, from the outside, if I were to pick whom I'd wanna marry, just from the outside, then yeah. I guess I'd marry me. Not to be vain or anything, but yeah LOL. But if you're asking if I'd marry me for me, for who I am inside, I guess not. Because, well, I'm just not that good of a person.

It helps if you list out the things about you. Good and bad. There's no need to say you're boasting or being vain or whatever. It's a fact. Live with it. Be honest. No one is gonna see it, so yeah. But just to give you a boost, and to get MY answers, I shall list down mine. Not here, though.

If you're the kind of person who's self-centered, emotional, whiny, evil and all that, would you wanna marry you? People judge you on how you judge yourself. So, if your answer to my question is no or maybe, wouldn't it be the time to change? I know a saying that says, "If not now, when?" Ask yourself that, will you?

You Can't Do It, Shut Up.

I don't get it! I just don't get it! How can someone say to another person that he/she should be like this and that, but he/she him/herself is worse? How can someone feel like nothing's wrong with him/herself? Seriously, how? Just tell me a few reasons, and I'll shut up.

I'm not saying that I don't do that. Well, I don't. Not anymore. I did that a few months back, but I changed. Because when someone tells me hurtful words, I don't know. I guess it just gets to me. And all the time I put into the sadness and anger, I just get used to the way I act, and I change.

It's not that I expect people to be perfect, because I'm not perfect, it's just, I don't get how a person can be so bad. No, I don't get how I could have been so bad for the past few months. I don't get how I could look myself in the mirror. In fact, I couldn't look at myself in the mirror. So, how can these people, who think they are so good, who think that they would never lose anybody, because they are so "nice" to them, look at their reflections in the mirror? How can these people, who tell other people how bad they are, live their life like nothing's wrong? Like nothing's bothering them?

Urgh, I don't want to continue writing. It just sucks. To know that all this while, you had a friend who just used you. Well, kinda of like that. And now, I've broken my promise not to get upset or angry. So, if you feel even the slightest bit of guilt, you know I'm talking about you. Thank you for making me lose the chance to think positively :).

Hm :|

It's just weird now. Just weird. Can pictures change? I don't know, it's just different when I look at it again. Not that I was trying to find anything, just trying to relive the memories. 'Cause well, you can say that I miss him. I mean, us. I don't know la. I'll just have to smile and forget about it. I hope it doesn't haunt me though.

Who knows? Maybe I'll get over him in a few days. A lot can change, really.

I'm Just.... Curious :\

I do not understand how somebody can let go of the person he/she loved for a long period that easily. I'm not pointing fingers at anyone, I'm just curious. I've read in books, I've seen on movies about this situation. In fact, I've lived through it. I mean, of someone letting go of me, that is. Not the other way around. Because honestly, I've never really loved anybody, except for that guy I was in a relationship with for nine months, which in teenage life, felt like years.

Okay, so back to the point. How do you people do it? Letting go of someone who you were sure of going to be yours till the day you die. Letting go of someone who meant the world to you. Letting go of someone you've been through a lot with. Just... how? Could it be because you never really loved that person? Then, the whole "I love you," was a lie? If so, how could you lie to someone about loving them? Doesn't the word, "love" mean anything to you? For someone to love another, it takes a lot of okay, well, I don't know, really. But it's just something that you cannot lie about. You just can't.

Think about it. If you loved this one person will all your heart, and you're in a relationship with him/her, you say, "I love you," meaning it, and the other person reply, but with no feeling at all. How would you feel? Like you've been fooled or something.

I'm not saying that my relationship with that guy (let's call him Dude), was a lie. Because I know it wasn't. Well, at least at first it wasn't. Because there is this one picture, where I can just see it in his eyes, that he was in love. You know when you look at someone's eyes, you can see if it's true or not, their love for you? And then, when you know it's real, it sends you shivers. That's how I felt whenever I looked in his eyes. Before we broke up, I mean.

Wait, wait, didn't I say I wasn't pointing fingers at anyone? =.='' Hm, will someone just tell me, how can you let go of someone so easily? Do you ever had hopes for that someone to tell you that he/she still loves you? Not a lot, just a tiny part in your heart, about 1% of it, hoping that you'll get back together. I'm not saying I'm desperate to get back together with Dude, but it's just well, like I said... I'm curious. Because I know I have a feeling inside of me, just a little bit, because I know he's um, well, let's just say he's moved on, that hopes for him to miss me and want me back.

I honestly do not know what I'm doing. I'm not in love with him anymore. At least, I think I'm not. I don't know, I'm confused. Just.. really confused. And curious. I was sure I wasn't in love with him, at least, until he told me he's moved on and my heart just totally sand and my smile, from laughing out loud watching that funny college guy's videos, turned into a frown. Disappointed look, to be exact. I lost my mood to chat. I just went inside my room and wrote on blank papers.

And today, while being a mannequin for my jubah, I felt tears watering my eyes. My heart was beating fast. And loud. So what am I feeling, actually? No, I do not want Dude back. I don't. Well, just a little bit. That 1% thing I talked about. But just that. I don't want him back, 'cause I know we'll never work out. When I think about it, we have nothing to talk about. Nothing. Much. I don't know. I'm seriously confused.

I remember, that one night, I was really, hyper, back when we were back together. I guess I was waiting for him to go online or something. I was chatting with DD. We were listing facts/reasons about and why we like our guys. i reached till 55, I think, but some of them are repeats.

1. Kinda cute

2. Sweet

3. Makes me laugh

4. Um, I kinda can talk to him for like, two hours and not even notice it, but then it gets bored lah

5. His eyes tell me A LOT

6. He’s very romantic actually

7. He makes me feel so confident, somehow

8. I like the way he chats, not like other guys, cam lame gila

9. I know he’s not the kinda guy who I wish I have, but I know he means well when he tells me I make mistakes

10. He’s tall and I SO DIG tall dudes

11. His hands are soft

12. I somehow sorta kinda sorta like his odour, although I can’t really stand it

13. I find him interesting

14. He talks like he’s such a sweet guy, I mean, his voice, it’s so… sweet, somehow

15. He treats me differently

16. He says stuff to me like it’s nothing, when it means SO MUCH

17. He gets on my nerves, LOL

18. No matter how mad I get at him, I’ll still wanna talk to him

19. He really doesn’t know me xD

20. I kinda sorta think he’s hot/extremelycuuuuuuuute when he’s like, all shy and embarrassed but smiling and looking down.

21. He actually finishes his homework

22. He likes Korean songs

23. And likes to speak in other languages other than English and Malay

24. He’s awesome with pranks

25. He knows my voice too well, like this one time, he called me, and then, I said I was fine, but I was really not, and he could really sense it.

26. He remembers things

27. He talks about us getting married

28. He is sooooo much like a girl, in a guyish way

29. I can talk to him about anything, just anything

30. Here’s one thing I realized when I looked at yours, HE NEVER APOLOGIZES!

31. I can never tell if he’s lying or telling the truth about loving me, but I guess that’s the fun in it, cause I never know.

32. He doesn’t really care if I hang out with his guy friends.

33. He knows he can’t change my immaturity, so he joins me.

34. Omg, he totally loves me.

35. He makes it hard NOT to smile when I think about him.

36. He can make me daydream ALLLLLL day long.

37. He never shows his jealousy for some reason. I don’t even know if he gets jealous.

38. He doesn’t text when he goes offline all of a sudden, or call.

39. In fact, he doesn’t do them at all xD.

40. I realize that I’m nothing without him. My whole life revolves around him. Since the star of last year.

41. He LOVES Mars candy bar.

42. He hates people doing “-.-“ but he does it

43. He loooooves games, shooting games specifically.

44. He can’t live one day without thinking about blue stuff. DO NOT ASK. It’s disgusting.

45. He’s totally in love with his body.

46. He doesn’t like to describe people as “hot” nor does he like people to describe him as “hot”

47. He doesn’t wanna admit that he looks so damn cute in a baju melayu.

48. He gets emotional easily. Well, dulu lah, now not really.

49. Omg, 50 already? LOLOL, okayh umm… He NEVER takes a picture with his face on it. It’s always the side =.=’’

50. He doesn’t like compliments.

51. He thinks I’m beautiful, which is tooooootally a lie.

52. He knows how to calm me down. Something like that.

53. Like yours, he knows to cheer me up and make me feel sooooo much better.

54. If he cares, he doesn’t show it. (did I say that already?)

LOL, I guess that's over now. So, someone out there, I know there are people who read my blog, 'cause you know, you guys tell me so, so like, answer my questions. Because I do not want to be confused anymore. It's hard, and really, really tiring.

Regrets.

The thing about regrets is that, it's pointless. Honestly speaking, you should never really regret anything. Because, what's happened has happened and there is no way you could redo it. What's happened is meant to be. It's been planned to be that way. But just because something that's happened is bad, doesn't mean there's no bright side of it. Every single thing that happens in this world, in your life, is for the better. You just have to choose to see it brightly. It's your choice, really.

Suppose you're sad after somebody you really loved died. Okay, yes, there would be pain. And it'll hurt for who knows how long? But then again, there's a world that's always kind to you. Fine, not always. But have you ever thought that it happened because it's related to you? And of course, nobody lives forever. Duh. Maybe you were a bad kid before that person died, or you didn't appreciate people enough, and when that person died, it teaches you a lesson. You never really notice something when they're gone, you know.

A lesson. Instead of taking something bad as a mistake or a regret, try taking it as a lesson. When you fight with your best friend, about something you did, don't regret it. It's like, it happened so that you'd know never to do it again. That's the lesson. But if you choose to see it as a mistake, and you'd tell yourself, "If I hadn't done that, everything would have been fine," you'd never find a way to solve it.

I'm repeating the same stuff over here. You cannot turn back time. Time is like a flowing river. It just goes on. It doesn't turn back, does it? Of course, if your watch is like, 10 minutes faster, and then you make it the right time, that's turning time but don't focus on silly stuff like that! But even if that happens, you can't undo your mistakes, can you? Even if you could turn back time, (which you can't cause that's one of the things that are impossible) what would you do? And when you change the past, how would you really feel? In the future or present or whatever I mean.

Conclusion is, there is no point of regretting things. See the brighter side of things next time, okay?

:DDD

OKAY LOL, EVEN THOUGH I JUST POSTED THAT LIKE, 10 MINUTES AGO, IGNORE IT. 'CAUSE I'M SERIOUSLY SOMEHOW SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW! And the funniest thing happened. 3 guys just kinda told me they liked me. WEIRD. SERIOUSLY, THAT'S WEIRD.

Kay, I'm totally overreacting. But LALALA.

Aaah, this is how it used to feel like. Warm and secure. In love.

Broken Hearted

My chest hurts. I feel incomplete. I think my heart's breaking. It just hurts so much. I don't know what to think. I can't think straight. All I can do is focus on my aching heart. It feels like somebody's stabbing my heart with a knife, from a perfectly good shape to broken pieces. The surrounding's suddenly warmer than it was before. My emotions suddenly turned. Time stopped. Back to December was playing on the radio.

It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you, wishing I'd realize what I had when you were mine...
I'd go back to December turn around and make it all right, I'd go back to December all the time.

Listening to that song, it's kinda really sad. I can still hear his words. "That song brings a lot of memories." Oh my God, I really just want things to be just the way they were. Sometimes, I'd lay down and imagine how it'd be if we were still together. I still feel my heart beating faster when he's around. I still smile when I see his pictures. Only, it's not the kind of smile that says, I'm-glad-to-be-your-one-and-only. It's the kind of smile where when people look at it, they'd think it's insincere. It's not a genuine smile. It's a weak smile, 'cause I realize all of the things I won't get to say and the I love yous that won't be heard anymore. When I look at my reflection in my bathroom mirror, I can see the sadness in my eyes. Even when I try to smile, it doesn't work. Doesn't matter the look on my face, however it is, if I smile, I don't feel that it's real, 'cause of the sadness inside.

Yes, sometimes, just for one minute, I forget about it, but it comes back. It's not that I don't try, 'cause I really do try. I tried to just put it at the back of my mind, and joke around with my friends, but then, I start to remember how he used to come to where we always hang out during recess everyday. How he had that look on his face when he talked about something that's big. How he talked like a little kid. How he laughed. All that. Those things that will just be memories in my head from now on. I stare at the staircase sometimes, to watch him as he climbs up, to go to his class. To see his face, even from the side. How cute he looked in his baju Melayu. After the national anthem, I look up, to see him one last time, before I start the day. Oh God, this is sad.

What happened to making up and working it out? What happened to "Your name's engraved on my heart"? What happened to "I'm crazy over YOU"? What happened to "When we get married..."? What happened to believing we'd be together forever? Seriously, what happened to all of that? If your answer is sometimes things don't go as planned, don't tell me. I've heard of it millions of times already. (No offense, DD) I know it's true, but it just sucks, you know?

You got a piece of me, and honestly,
my life would suck, without you.
Maybe I was stupid, for telling you goodbye,
maybe I was wrong for trying to pick a fight,
I know I've got issues, but you're pretty messed up too
Either way I found out, I'm nothing without you.
Being with you is so disfunctional,
I really shouldn't miss you, but I can't let you go.

I don't know why I'm still writing all of these sad posts. They'll just make my condition worse. Plus, they make my friends sad, reading all of my sadness. They're just making people's lives miserable, trying to find a way to make me happy. It's not that I want to put them through all this, but I'm just sad, okay? I'm just sad. I tried not to tell them anything. I tried to look happy. But when I start thinking and staring into space, my face just looks blank and sad. I can't help the way I feel, okay? So, I'm sorry to put you guys through all the trouble of trying to make me happy. It's not really something you can change just like that. It's something that takes days and weeks. Months even. Time heals.

I heard something and I kinda feel that it relates to me.

I'm not a perfect person, there's many things I wish I didn't do, but I continue learning, I never meant to do those things to you, and so I have to say before I go, that I just want you to know, I've found the reason for me, to change who I used to be, a reason to start over new, and the reason is you. I'm sorry that I hurt you, it's something I must live with everyday, and all the pain I put you through, I wish I could take it all away, and be the one who catches all your tears.

I think I'll follow this song. I'll change who I used to be, 'cause you see, I was this really bad person. Well, according to some people. Yes, I'm gonna change and the reason is you, even though I know I can't have you back, 'cause it's just not meant to be or whatever. But whatever it is, I'm still changing for you, Haziq. 'Cause you know, what you said, even though they really bite, they're still true. And yeah, I better start changing, before I make things worse.

Okay, I'm gonna sleep, before I feel my heart breaking again. I seriously so wish I was older.

P/S: Sorry for the Itallic thingy, I can't change it =.=''

Getting Over It

I've thought about it. And actually, I don't wanna get over it. I mean, him. I don't wanna get over Haziq. Did I mention that in my last post? If I did, sorry for repeating it. Back to the point, it's true. Really, I do not wanna get over him. I don't wanna let him go. I honestly don't know why. I know it's only been a week, but it felt like months. Really, it has been the longest week ever. One day feels like I've lived for weeks.

Of course, there are other guys in the world, and he's not the best guy there is, but there's just something about him. Whenever I see him, I get weak in the knees, my nervous system explodes, my lips turn into a smile and I just can't help it. It's like, he glows or something. When I look at other guys, they're just... blah. I don't mean that in a bad way, they just don't have something that gets me going, like he does. When he comes near me, I just can't help the way I act. I'd be shooting out words, without even thinking. I'd stop pacing back and forth, 'cause I just can't move. Maybe it's just a silly crush. Maybe I'm just overreacting. Maybe this whole thing is just a dream. *Pinches self* Ouch! Okay, it's not a dream. I'm really, seriously, in love with him.

Raihah was right. I do want him back. But, the problem is, this guy, a friend of his said that he got over me already. If that is true, there is no way we could be together. I don't know why I feel like this. Why do I still love him? Why is it that this is what I want, when God knows what he feels about me. Now I think I sound like a crazy person, being so crazy in love with someone who doesn't feel the same way back. I've been thinking. And I feel so stupid for asking that question about maybe we shouldn't be together anymore, 'cause if I'd just stop trying to prove myself right and just said sorry and promised to be a better person, this whole thing wouldn't have happened. I wouldn't be so sad, thinking about what we've gone through with each other over the past few months. I wouldn't feel guilty about how I ruined our relationship. I wouldn't be writing this post which from my point of view, makes me sound really pathetic and desperate. I wish I wasn't so stubborn and be a little bit more matured. And I wish I wasn't so selfish and a hot-head. 'Cause if it wasn't for my selfishness, he wouldn't have been mad, 'cause I wouldn't have shown him the middle finger, which somehow, caused all this. And if it wasn't for my temper, he'd cool down right then and there. But because I have a temper, the thing got worse and it got us where we are now. It got me where I am now. Sad and alone (minus friends).

Tell me why you're so hard to forget. Don't remind me, I'm not over it. Tell me why I can't seem to face the truth. I'm just a little too not over you. Not over you. Memories, supposed to fade. What's wrong with my heart? Shake it off, let it go. Didn't think it'd be this hard. Should be strong, movin' on. But I see you. Sometimes I try to hide. What I feel inside. Maybe I regret everything I said, No way to take it all back, yeah, Now I'm on my own. How I let you go, I'll never understand.

I went into 1 Maju, my old class, when I stayed back on Thursday. I thought, it could bring me a smile, since we had so many happy memories in there. But when I did, all I could think of was, how Haziq carried me in his arms from the back of the class to the front and kissed me on the cheeks. And how, on the 26th of June, I was fighting him for his phone, and somebody took a picture of us, and it looked like we were proposing. I remembered the whole setting, where the chairs were put, how many people there were... All of it. And it didn't make me smile, it only made my condition worse. I ran out of the class, 'cause I just couldn't take it anymore. The memories kept spinning in my head, haunting me.

I've tried everything, honestly. Well, almost everything. I've tried eating sugar, to make me hyper and forget about all those stuff. It worked, for the first 10 seconds. I've tried concentrating on the board, when the teacher is teaching, but I couldn't, because I'd get bored and I'd end up staring into space, thinking about him. Everything I see, even if it doesn't bring the slightest bit reminder of him, it'll remind me of him. Somehow. Like, if I see a bottle, it'd remind me of his, and that would remind me of him. And it goes on and on. I've tried avoiding him, well, for a day or two, but it just makes me think of him more, 'cause I just can't wait till the time he'll talk to me.

Oh my God, I sound so desperate. Why? Why is it so hard to get over him? Why don't I want to get over him? What makes him so special? Why does my heart wants him? Why must I stare into space and think back about the memories? Why does everything remind me of him? I know it takes time to get over him, but I don't think loving him all over again is part of getting over it.

I just... I don't want us to never speak again. I don't want to ... you know what? This is stupid. Urgh, I hate myself for ever letting myself fall back in love with him. I hate myself for not being able to get over him. It's like, when we were together, I had this whole vision of us being together forever. But I guess that's over now. I just don't know what I'll feel like if he announces that he has a new girlfriend.

Okay, let it go. Let. It. Go. Somebody out there, if you're reading to my crap over here, please tell me what to do. I mean, just give me a suggestion, because I feel so bad right now. I hope I'll look at him differently when I see him in school 7 hours later. I hope I won't have feelings for him anymore, 'cause I guess we're just not meant to be together. I wanna believe that there's hope, but, I don't know. Sounds so pathetic.

And I feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe
And I keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are
Hope it's nice where you are

And I hope the sun shines
And it's a beautiful day
And something reminds you
You wish you had stayed
You can plan for a change in weather and town
But I never planned on you changing your mind

So I'll go sit on the floor
Wearing your clothes
All that I know is that
I don't know how to be something you miss
Never thought we'd have a last kiss
Never imagined we'd end like this
Your name, forever the name on my lips

Just like our last kiss
Forever the name on my lips

I Can't Believe It's Over

Okay, for the 4th time, it's over between me and Haziq. Over as in, no more us, no more, I love yous, no more I miss you texts... It happened last week. On Thursday night. Apparently, he got offended by me showing him the middle finger. We were on our way back from KLPAC, or better known as, Kuala Lumpur Performing Arts Center (I'll tell you about it later, when I'm in the right mood). On the way to the bus, he and his friend, Lutfil, were teasing me this and that, when I really felt like killing myself for doing something that will make my friends mad, for sure. So, in the bus, I showed him the middle finger, to shut him up. But it was not like I really meant it. I mean, come on. ME? MEANING WHAT I SAY? Everybody knows me better than that. And out of all people, he should be the one who knows me best. But I guess not.

That night, he told me what I did was wrong. I wonder if he was aware that he was just reflecting himself. He said when people teased me, I'd be all over, getting revenge, but if it's vice versa, people would just keep quiet and let it go. I've called him names, offending names, since the starting of last year, if you must know. And yeah, I guess he's finally shoot the cork out of the bottle. Then came other stuff, like we never really talked like normal people and that I should be more like my friend, DD, 'cause she's a MUCH better person than I am. Honestly, I agree with him. But, I just couldn't get my mind off on how he could compare me to someone else. I mean, when you're in love with someone, you don't look at other people and you don't look at your lover as a person who belongs in the Witty Committee. Made me think if he was really in love with me or not.

At one point, he got so mad that I reflected every word he said to me to him, he just said he didn't care anymore and that I was allowed to do whatever I want and he'll do whatever he wants. He said goodbye and signed out. Just like that. I felt my heart breaking, so I just said, "Wouldn't it be better if we're not in a relationship at all?" I know, he won't see it, but, I just really needed to say that. I couldn't live any more second, being with a guy who said he didn't care a bit about me. I mean, I know, it sounds so freaking needy, but you try. Being in love with someone who doesn't care about you at all. Knowing that he'd never go on Yahoo Messenger, I messaged him on Facebook instead. Knowing him, he'd read it, 'cause he goes on Facebook everyday.

On Monday, 4th of April, Shania told me he wasn't really in love with me in the first place. She told me, from an unknown source, that Haziq didn't have feelings for me. She said he said that Haziq could have developed the feelings, but with me teasing him all day long, he didn't. But Shania said that guy just guessed it out of Haziq. So, it could just have been a false estimation. I walked down the stairs, from my English class, to get back to my class and coincidentally, Haziq was there. So, I asked if I could talk to him privately. Serious talk, no jokes. I wanted to ask him that question, the question about if it was true that he never liked me. At all.

I didn't get to talk to him till today. I mean, in private and in person. But by today, I didn't really wanna ask him that question. Because, either way, I'd be sad. If he'd say no, I'd be sad that our relationship was a lie. The times he'd kiss me, the time I kissed him. The times we held hands, the times I put my head on his shoulder, the times he carried me in his arms. All the words he'd spoken. All of that was a lie. Thinking of that will just bring tears to my eyes. If it was all a lie, it's like, everything wasn't worth it. He was not worth it. I don't wanna regret our relationship. I don't wanna regret ever loving him. If he'd say that he did love me, I'd be sad 'cause, DD said he doesn't wanna get back together. I'm not saying that's what I want. But it's just that, it makes me think of how much of a sad case I really am. It's like I'm so freaking hard to talk to and all.

I did ask him. He answered, yes, he did love me. 'Cause if he didn't, he won't do all those stuff. I started to smile, 'cause at that moment, I was glad that was what he answered. But when I got back home, I started to think again. I feel so stupid, for acting like we're still together. It's over, Amilah. Stop it. My mind keeps saying that, but I just can't help it. Whenever he's mad, I keep going to him. I keep feeling that I need to do something to make him feel better, when all I do is annoy him more. I think I do, I don't know. But I just get this feeling, you know? I keep coming near him, like he still likes my company, when I don't even know if he does anymore. Like, how pathetic is that? It's over and I'm still acting like we're still together.

And you know what's worse? I still wait for him to go online. I still check my phone every time I get the chance to see if by some miracle, he text messaged me something like, "I miss you" or "I'm sorry" or whatever that's meaningful. I still look at the upstairs balcony to see his face in the morning. I still think of kissing him. I still think of going out to movies with him (with other friends). I still wish that one day, he'd come to me, and tell me that he's sorry and that he wants me back and that he'll try to do whatever he can to make me happy. And the parts that suck the most?

1. There is no point.
2. He doesn't ever text me first. Especially not after the break up.
3. He doesn't look at me back. So, it's stupid.
4. I will never get the chance.
5. Not like we'll do anything like cuddle or whatever.
6. If I put my head in reality, it's never gonna happen, because I think he meant it this time that it's over and he's freaking mad at me for some reason.

Leona Lewis' Better In Time fits me perfectly here.
It's been the longest winter without you
I didn't know where to turn to
See somehow I can't forget you
After all that we've been through
Going coming
thought I heard a knock
Who's there no one
Thinking that I deserve it
Now I realize that I really didn't know
If you didn't notice you mean everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'm gonna be OK
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time
I couldn't turn on the TV
Without something there to remind me
Was it all that easy
To just put aside your feelings

Except for that I'm learning to love again. Because honestly, after all this, I think I've learned my lesson. Boys are too immature in this lovey-dovey stuff to really understand how girls feel. I'm not finished yet, so hold your horses. Girls get emotional to fast, before anything even happens. I'm not talking about ALL boys and girls. Just, most of them. You know why they say that men and from Mars and women are from Venus? From my point of view, it's 'cause they just don't mix. There is, of course, one person for each of one, but let's just say, even they who have each other have problems. Except, of course, if you're one of those people who NEVER gets mad or sad or annoyed or whatever. Back to the point, boys just don't get girls. Again, I'm talking about most boys and girls, okay? So, if you're not one of them, don't get offended.

Okay, here are some fake names which I'm gonna use as examples LOL. When this one couple breaks up, and this guy, uh, Ben, still have feelings for that girl, Casey, he doesn't try to get her back. Instead, Ben just acts like nothing's happened, 'cause he sees her smiling, when actually, she's feeling like her whole world had died. Ben doesn't do anything, 'cause he thinks that Casey doesn't want him back. He's scared of getting turned down and making a fool out of himself. And then he starts thinking negatively. It's never gonna work out. He starts thinking that she doesn't love him back and all those stuff, which I don't really know, 'cause I'm not exactly a guy.

And here's the problem with Casey (P.S. I'm just talking about AFTER they break up, 'cause I'm in no mood to talk about happy relationships). She's just too sad, that she tells every single person she sees what happened to her, but in front of Ben, she acts as if she's okay. And then, she expects him to do this and that, and when he doesn't, 'cause of what I said just now, she'd be sadder than she already is, thinking that he doesn't love her anymore. Since she's put this on her mind, she straight away makes her decision to get over him. And for some silly girls like me, they just give up on boys. And when she tries to get over him, it gets worse. 'Cause she'd be thinking back on the days they were still together, cause in her mind, it'd be, "get over him, get over him," which makes her think of him more. After days that this happens, she'd forget to eat and to sleep. She'd cry all day, before she could convince herself to really get over him. And when she does get over him, she won't have any friends to have fun with 'cause they're all gone, afraid she'd fill them in with more sad news, and then, she'd be depressed about a whole different thing!

Okay, I totally just got this post into a different topic. But actually, talking about Ben and Casey, if they are even alive, kinda helps me. I mean, like, to put myself in Haziq's position, like DD always tells me so. And to just get over Haziq. I mean, yeah, it'll be hard, but I just have to convince myself to let it go, 'cause there is no hope. Honestly, even if we do get back together, I doubt it'll last, 'cause as my friend once told me, things in high school NEVER lasts. Especially with these relationship things.

I guess I need some time away from Haziq. Maybe I'll avoid seeing him. I wish 22nd April would come sooner. That way, I can live a whole 10 days without seeing him. I know there's a saying, Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but maybe if I don't see him, he won't come in my mind? Just maybe.

I pray to Allah, to tell me how to feel. I didn't really ask for me to get over Haziq. And honestly, whenever I ask for that, actually I wanna say that I don't wanna let him go. Actually, I was thinking of wanting to love him for a longer period. I don't pray for him to have the same feelings back, though. I don't know. Maybe this is a sign. I've made so many sins when I was with him, so it's for the best that we broke up. Maybe.

Whatever it is, I still have my fantasy. And if people wanna judge me, saying that even though we broke up, I still think of him in my fantasy world, then I don't care. 'Cause honestly, it's my brain, and I can fantasize all I want. There's nothing wrong with it, as long as I don't make it reality.

When I think about it all over again, the solution is simple, really. I act as if nothing's happened, and act normal, cheerful and all, and then, when he's near, just don't give a damn, even if I get sad like crazy. I should not let it take over the whole me. He's just a guy. I should just think of it like that. And if it doesn't get better by tomorrow, then, okay. I have to tell myself that these things take time. And I'm not the only one in the world going through it. If there really are no one else, there's him. He's going through the break up thing himself. Thing is, I'm never really alone, in anything. About the can't-eat-can't-sleep thing, I just gotta make myself tempted by the food on the table, and for sleeping? Just close my eyes and count to ten. However it is, I'm still gonna sleep, when I'm really really tired.

Now, my problem is, I just hope that I can convince myself to be the person I stated above tomorrow and the days to come. If I can get through tomorrow, I can get through Friday and so on. Just, get your head in the game. Don't take life so seriously.

SUGAR

OMGOMG, HAVE YOU LIKE, EVER HAD THIS SUGAR RUSH?! LIKE, AN EXTREME SUGAR RUSH WHICH YOU JUST CAN'T STOP TYPING IN CAPS OR YOU RUN AROUND IN CIRCLES, NOT CARING WHAT PEOPLE SAY OR DO OR YOU DO SOMETHING EXTREME. HAVE YOU HAVE YOU HAVE YOU?! LOL, IM EXPERIENCING IT RIGHT NOW! WOOHOO! AND I HAVE TO TELL YOU, IT'S JUST GREAT!!

I ate like, 10 pieces of Hershey's cookies and cream kisses. My sister said we've tasted it before, and then, it hit me. I HAVE EATEN IT BEFORE. Before this, I thought it was a new brand or something. But then, I remembered, my sister bought a bar of it at an airport, and we ate it. IT WAS SO GOOD! NOW IT'S IN KISSES MODE. WOO! I'm so freaking in love with em, I can't stop eating :O. Damn, I'm gonna get fat soon. BUT I DON'T CARE, I NEED SOMETHING TO TAKE MY MIND OFF... Wait, nothing. I'm not gonna talk about that. YET. I will, next month or when I think I'm really over... uh, okay. I shall stop now.

But you know, sugar is bad for health :( AND YOUR HOUSE, cause ants love em =.=''. I went downstairs, and this jar, full of uneaten (duh) cupcakes were full of ants. GOSH, I HATE MY KITCHEN FOR THAT. ANTS ANTS AND MORE ANTS =.=''. LIKE, LIVE SOMEWHERE ELSE LA. Every time I get near ants, either my eyes or my nose itch. I think I'm allergic to ants. Or maybe it's just my brain that reacts like that when I get near ants. LOL, I don't know. But seriously, careful. Ants can make you forget things. If you're not careful, you'd get Alzheimer's earlier. LOL, juuuust kidding xD.

NOW I'M MARS. OMG, THIS IS SO GOOD! I haven't eaten this in a LONG time. Seriously LOL. I mean, I bought Mars bars a lot from the petrol station next to my school, but they were all for... UH, CAN I JUST SAY BYE NOW?! I HATE BEING SAD, AND I'M SO NOT HYPER ANYMORE :(. Curse you, Mars bar. Mars bars remind me of... *sigh*. I wish I wasn't so stupid.