Clinginess at its best

Am i that clingy? Did DD just retweeted all those tweets to make me feel better? Cause thats the good thing about her, she knows how to make people feel better. A lot better. But that's not the point. The point is.. Actually i dont know what the point it. I guess im just having my normal insecurities. 

Do you know that feeling where youre like you really dont wanna speak to someone just because but you keep wanting them to talk to you? I mean, thats weird isnt it? 

And how youve been trying to stop falling in love, to convince yourself that you and someone are not meant to be but then he shows more of himself and thats what you want and thats who you are and well shit just got worse? 

Do you ever forget who you are? And who you wanna be? Or what you wanna be? Or how you wanna be? Do you ever just get so caught in the moment, in the world, that you forget that a lot of other things matter more? Until you forget what you've learned and who you wanna become really and what the future would be like if youre like this or like that? 

Have you ever been in a situation so messed up that its not messed up at all? And have feelings so all over the place but just in one place? And think so much until you cant sleep at night but not think at all?

Am i making sense?

Of course i am, things wouldnt make sense if it werent any sense in writing them.

Yeah well that doesnt make sense.

But yeah, could what izz said be true? Im really that clingy? Because thats probably why things ended with me and him. And things ended with me and well everybody really. Cause im clingy?

I could name a whole bunch of people who are clingier than me, but truth be told, that wouldnt make me feel better. And some people would say that what does it matter if im clingy cause a lot of people still love me for who i am and yeah thatd make me feel better for about a day or two but then id still feel bad because i know for a fact that that is who i am and i honestly have no idea how to change that. 

And i hate that im not included in something. I hate that im not the most important and that im not as cool and that i dont get all the opportunities. But i know that thats just selfish of me cause i should be thankful for every little thing that i have because its more than enough. 

Ive got nothing better to do than just rant here because this is just too silly to be heard by anybody. 

To think that im extraordinary? Wow you must be delusional. 

You can be so much and you can act as whoever you want for any period of time youd like but you can never really escape who you actually are. 

Shine in the spotlight

"She'll always be everything I'm not and she'll always be better than who I'll ever be. I know that we have to accept who we are and love ourselves just how we are because that's us and nothing's wrong because nobodys perfect and everybody, even those with the most luxurious lives, go through pain and misery at some points in their lives. They have their own insecurities and their own fears and problems.

But some people are just so perfect on the outside it gets me all questioning about myself. She's pretty in all her pictures, in everything that she wears. she's smart and funny and wise. she's cool, way cooler than I'll ever be. She's friendly and creative and kind and thoughtful. she's beautiful in every way possible. she's fun and she sings and she's wild, young and free.

I want that. I want to be like her. I wanna step outside of my body for a week and just live in hers and enjoy what its like to be someone so extraordinary and so beautiful."

Blood is thicker than water?

Sometimes you meet people and sometimes you get attached and unattaching yourself is probably the hardest thing ever to do cause it involves feelings like getting hurt and missing that person terribly. But sometimes you're born attached to a person, whether you like it or not. I dont mean literally, though. I mean, like, siblings.

Sometimes you meet new people and you fall in love. With siblings, i guess you just have to love them without a choice? But you know, like siblings love as in with all the fights and never showing you love them love.

So sometimes people you get attached to go away and when they're out of sight, they're not exactly out of mind. Instead, you miss them. You start to miss how things are when they were around and just the company of them. But sometimes you miss the person you see everyday, the person who lives under the same roof as you. Sometimes you miss talking to them even though you dont really talk often or a lot. Sometimes you miss going out with them. Sometimes you just miss them.

I dont know where im getting here but i guess all im saying is that i miss my sister? And that i actually get how aaliya feels when i go out with my friends or depend on my friends more than i do on her. Not that she wants me to depend on her or anything. But you know, sometimes when you dont see people often, you kinda expect them to hang out with you even though its rare that you do. Love is weird.

And then my conscience speaks

Note: read this in a british accent.

"Dear diary,

I dont understand this at all. If i were to think any harder, id crack my head open. What are these feelings? What are these thoughts? Theyre spinning round my head like those little kids playing ring around a roses. Theyre giving me sleep deprivation as well as insomnia. Why do i care so much? Why do i want to rush to his aid when hes in need and why does it frustrates me that i know i cant? Why do i think so much of it? Why do i let myself fall even when ive fallen over and over again and never hitting the ground on the spot that i want to fall on? I know that in reality, that spot on the ground doesnt exist because its just too surreal.

I dont think the world is being fair because ive been through this. What ever happened to lightning never strikes twice at the same place? I have to refrain myself from thinking too far. Thinking leads to hoping leads to getting hurt. But why dont i learn from all those times of getting hurt?

I hate this."



You know, Amil, maybe its because you want to feel that way?

Distant?

It's weird to feel so distant from someone. Being close but distant is one thing. But being distant, like really distant is weird. And then there's being distant and feeling connected, that's even weirder. Do you get me?

It feels hollow; like something's missing. Different. I can't put it to words. It's like something's taking bits and pieces of me down; slowly, making things fade. It feels... distant. Like I'm far, far away. And there's nothing I can do about it.


Or maybe I just miss you.

Shit Happens

I hate this. I hate how we are. I hate what we're becoming. I hate us.

I hate distance.

I know that it's inevitable that we'd be like this but I guess I just didn't want to believe it'd actually happen cause you were you and I was I whenever we talk; whenever we meet. 'Cause you were the closest thing I had and I loved you more than anyone else that has set foot on earth 'cause you taught me more things than anybody else ever had and you gave me wisdom like no one else and you were just extraordinarily awesome. Or I guess that was in my head.

But it sucks that distance could actually separate us. It sucks that we actually let distance make us less than bestest friends. I know it's really nobody's fault that we're like this. I mean, we can't really expect to be friends forever. Ok im talking like we're ending our friendship here. And no we're not. We're just not as close as we were before. You're the one with the proof. Yeah, maybe it's just a stupid game but it kinda shows that our friendship is on thin ice. Aida could guess the same thing you say in 2 rounds and when you and I played it was till 18 rounds. Yeah.

It's not that I'm jealous of you and Aida or what. It's just that, it's enough proof to say that we're not the same Amilah and Harith.

god i havent cried for a long time. This must really suck.

When you said I replaced you with Naqib, that was hurtful. But maybe I did replace you with Naqib for a while cause I needed a break from you because I needed to get over you. And I'm saying all this as if you'll ever read this. All you need to know is that even if Naqib is cool and fun to talk to, he'll never be you. I mean, I couldn't talk to him on the phone for hours without knowing the time like I do with you. But you know, what is that anyway?

But yeah, Aida's much cooler than I am. She knows way more music and she's way wiser and I don't know, she's prettier and nicer and she actually listens to advice and she's more in control of herself and you said she's a lot like me anyway so if you felt replaced when I talked to Naqib, you have no idea how much I feel replaced now.

But you know, it's one of those things you can't really control. 'Cause all these things change through time. And with the distance between us and the lack of internet that I have and the not-right-timing make it hard for me to even get to you so yeah. It's okay. I can live with us just being normal friends.

Plus, I'm sorry i never listen. You don't listen to me either in case you haven't noticed. I guess I just feel like you got really mad at me, that's why I'm like avoiding you right now even though it's only been like 33 hours since we last talked.

And well, you've clearly done way more with Aida. I mean, you've taken her around London or Surrey or where even though she's like 10000 miles away. I must sound like a jealous bitch right about now. I'm not okay? I'm just having a really hard time accepting what's real.

Yeah, have fun.

-

I miss that moment when 'Aina and I were running from the BKPs cause we wanted to skip Yaasin that night and we went down the middle staircase and my legs were heavy as we went downstairs cause I knew you were turning to where I was and I stayed on the last two stair and you turned left and saw me, your eyes fixed on mine and your face was a mixture of surprised delight and you smiled.



As if I was the best thing you saw all night. 

Can you please?

I know it's bad and I know I'd be guilty of this one day but I will delete this.

My mom can be sporting, but only 50%. She can be cool, but that's like 1 in 10 times. She would buy me anything I want, as long as it's not so expensive. Fine, I like that about her. She's a good mother, cause she gives us what we want and in return, we study hard. I mean, she doesn't exactly push us, but the realisation comes to us itself. And she praises us on whatever we get, thus making us feel appreciated and discouraged.

OK, while she's all that, she's also the worse at being a teenager's friend. I know I'm rebellious, but that's probably only cause she's the way she is. I know I control myself and I could not be rebellious if I didn't want to, but thing is, I do want to. Thing is, I do not want to be like my mom. Sure, her children succeeds, she succeeds and she's wealthy and we have a lovely home and we live luxuriously (I'm not even kidding) and we look like a happy family. We probably are a happy family. And I'm sure as hell not saying that I hate my family; I do love them. I just am my own person and I have learned things by myself (as in without the help of mom) and I love myself even if I may not be as smart as my sister or as knowledgeable about the world as my other sister or as logical as my brother but I do understand things they do not understand and they (I assume) refuse to understand.

So my mom is so judgmental I don't even know what to say. What happened was that I wanted to go to my friend, 'Aina's house in Wangsa Maju. And apparently where she lives is somewhere that's not really where rich people live. I mean, like a normal housing area. AND THEN SHE GOES ALL, "Where does she live?" So I said, "In front of Carrefour, near the petrol station with the 7-E." And she said, "The houses there are small and ugly." Well, she said something like that.

BUT I MEAN SO WHAT?! I do not care, mom. I really do not care if my friends have Bentleys or if they have Kancils. I don't care if they wear Zara or if they wear Giant brand clothes. I don't care if they dine at Pavilion every night or if they dine at those stalls near the roads. And I absolutely do not care if their houses are as big as KLCC or a mouse hole. OK, so I might not want to stay for a week but I so wouldn't mind going there for a day to hang out with my friend.

Fine, that's not something that I should really go all ballistic about but she's not just like that with this kind of thing. She's like that with so many things !! Like I hate how she makes it as though she's higher than everyone else and complaining about other people's work. I mean, ok, I do that too. But I hate myself every time I do that 'cause I know I can't do better. Even if I could, I wouldn't want to. And I could imagine those people not wanting to do it cause it's a shitty job they're doing. I'm not saying I'm an angel or so much better than my mom but god, I just hate what she does sometimes. It's like, could you like please appreciate some people?

It's such a bad example to teach kids, you know. I mean, I'm so glad I could think for myself already. I'm so glad I am not even so close to my mom (and this is something so bad to say). But yeah, I mean, I really am thankful that I learned a lot of things by myself and that I am this rebellious teenager cause I'll never know how to tell my sons and daughters how to live and actually enjoy it if I'm so much like my mom.

So to my future kids, I promise I'll try my best to become the coolest mother ever cause I have actually understood the "support-but-disagreeing" term.

Where's the Chemistry?

Why would I be sad when I'm not? Why would I miss you when I don't? Why would I be guilty of texting and tweeting you when you actually reply? Why would I like you when I don't? Or at least I don't think so.

But then why would I spend like an hour of my facial, in a cold, quiet room just thinking about you and not realising it (until this thought comes) if I don't have feelings for you?

But thing is, I don't.

Feel anything, that is.

It's hard to explain.

I feel like we're really fading away since we're not talking IRL anymore. And it's like, our texts are so.... Chemistry-less. We suck at texting. Like I said, I like talking IRL more.

But whatever happened to things in school stays in school?

Cause reality is, you have a girlfriend and I'm always second best, aren't I? I was there for you enjoyment (in the most innocent way possible) but now that I'm 500 miles away, it makes me no different than your long distance girlfriend.

Ugh okay I'm messing up my head.

Monday - 3:49 p.m.

But talking to you on the phone makes me think otherwise. I mean, I didn't even realise it was 40 minutes. And we both know that it would have been longer if you weren't busy looking for whatever you were looking for. So what is this?

Would it make me a bad person if I just continue talking to you and well, I can't help myself from flirting - it's like I do it unconsciously - even when I know you have a girlfriend who was actually my senior in SAB?

Yes, it kinda would.

Dear Yasmin,

Dear Alia Yasmin,

I don't know how this will help but I hope it does. It's not the same, I know, cause I'm just a friend, and he was your boyfriend but on the bright side, there are still people who appreciate you. I know breaking up is hard, I've been through it. I mean not like yours but I've told you things I've done with my ex, and you know how bad I was but you know, sometimes it's better to let go. Sometimes things don't go as you planned it to. Sometimes they suck. All good must end. That's life. It's like the law of the universe, we can't go against it. You out of all people should be grateful that things happened the way it did because who knows, soon you might meet the guy of your dreams. He's probably right in front of you. Jodoh di tangan tuhan kan?

I know, I'm repeating things. I know, you've heard all this but you know, when I get sad, I kinda just want people to say all these things again, cause even if I know already, it's a friendly reminder. I don't know, I guess I kinda feel guilty cause I'm like so far away from you when we should have been together right now but I probably wouldn't know what to say. You're the talker, you're the one who knows how to deal with this. But I guess heroes fall down too? It's okay, we're all humans.

Anyway, yeah you should be glad it happened like this. Could have been worse. At least you're still sane. At least you're trying to accept the fact. At least you're not cutting yourself or doing drugs. See the cup as half full, not half empty. I know I'm not really that good at giving advices or sharing my thoughts, but this is like the best I could do. Terimalah seadanya~

Whatever it is, you're still you. You're still awesome, talkative, confident, pretty, bubbly, crazy and ten million other adjectives Alia Yasmin. It's gonna take some time. But don't stress yourself. Apparently it can lead to death ahhaha. For what it's worth, I love you. And I still count as an important person, don't I? Don't kutuk him so much cause I know you know deep down that he's not a bad person. You don't know his story and neither do I. But I'm sure whatever it is, he has a reason for it. And itu pun, kita takda right to judge. Jangan lupa apa dia dah buat yang dulu dulu tu. I mean, for what you think of him la. Thinking of him as a bad person won't make you forget him. Trust me, I know. It's just gonna get you angry and you're gonna blame everybody for that. Too much negative energy, ugh.

I'm probably taking this really easy cause it's not happening to me. But all break ups share the same pain, I think. I know you're still hoping. It sucks. I know how it feels. My name means hopeful kan, hahah it's a blessing and a curse. But oh well. So yeah, eat chocolates, sing out loud, scream into your pillow. Do something crazy, it helps. Be drunk without drinking. Best kind of being drunk, cause you actually remember what you did. And it's all funny in the end.

And do not blame yourself. You ain't a bad person, sister. We all make mistakes, but that's the coolest part of living.

 -amilah-

Dear Miss Aimi

hahaha idk if i'd get in trouble sending this to a teacher but i feel so cool having done it

Salam.

Dear Miss Aimi,

This is what I’ve got so far. I mean I’ve got more in mind but it’s like, based on the same person and I don’t know, I guess I don’t want him to get in trouble or him to think that I’m hoping too much (cause im not, I just like being overdramatic). And well, cause I sorta already got him in trouble on my last day of school and by telling you this I’m gonna get in trouble next year? I know teacher Nurul probably doesn’t like me anymore but I’m like, hey, this is life. I mean, I want to do things where I feel proud of and I’m happy with. I want that teenager moments, those movie moments. Movies and books may be bad influence on me cause they lead me into doing all these things (breaking rules and having high school relationships – or short term love – and etc.) but I’m not gonna learn anything extraordinary things by playing by the rules. Being crazy in your teenage years is priceless, it’s awesome. I don’t expect you or anybody to understand, I mean, I’d understand if you come up to me and be like, “Amilah, you can’t do this, it’s wrong.” But well, life has to be fun. So what im actually trying to say is I apologize for not being an angel in school, cause I don’t want my story to be of the student who studies and doesn’t have any wild fun. I have a year left to make things memorable. And worth remembering. I do promise to keep my grades up though. I’ll make it work, somehow, inshaAllah. Just... have faith in me. ‘Cause that’s the only thing I’m doing right now, having faith in myself. Ms Izzaty told me she picked me in debate because she knows I have it in me (whatever it is) and it’s not that I want to disappoint you or her or anybody but I really don’t wanna regret not doing anything.

      Oh yeah Im sure you know who the budak patah tangan is cause hes the only one with a cast on his left hand. Please don’t do anything to him or say anything cause it’s over between us anyway, whatever it was. And hes already got “a talk” with teacher Nurul which is making me guilty right to this second. Nothing’s gonna happen anymore cause we’re not gonna see each other in school anymore. I don’t wanna continue about my love life hahahah it’d be awkward.

     But yeah these are my work. I hope you like them and if you don’t, it’s okay. I wouldn’t mind if you cancelled out the ‘for….” I wrote at the end of my poems. Give me a feedback!! Okay bye tell me if you want more!

-amilah-

All In Your Hands

So I really like this essay I wrote for the school magazine.

I’ve never thought boarding school life would be much of an adventure. I mean, I’ve heard stories and all but come on, who would ever actually believe what people say unless you’ve been through it yourself? If you’d ask me a year and a half ago, I’d say you’d be delusional to find me in a boarding school this year.

      But things changed. I did apply for boarding schools around the time PMR started and I actually did want to go. This isn’t a story of my life in a boarding school; it’s more of my perception. I wouldn’t say I’m someone with a lot of thought nor would I say I’m wise in any way but out of 16 years of living, I’ve picked up a think or two and I’ve realized that things are never what it seems. That’s life: Expect the unexpected.

      I came as a naïve adolescent without expectations, just eagerness. I came with all inferiority blocked out. I came as a new person – as a person I myself hadn’t met. I didn’t know what I was doing; I didn’t know where I was going. What I did know was that I didn’t want to be the person I was before, I wanted to stand out. “Go with the flow.” Sometimes you just have to have that leap of faith and jump over the fence without thinking of the consequences. That’s when you know your adventure has started.

      Towards the end, you start noticing things being different than when you first got in. A LOT had changed. You get to see people mature through time; you get to see yourself mature –physically and mentally. Some have grown taller, bigger, prettier, and handsomer and it’d be a lie to say that each and every one of us has not gotten wiser in a way.

     

        Towards the end, I realize that it’s all about choices: whether you want to end the chapter sad or happy. Of course everyone has different stories, but we go through everything with our friends – the people closest to us, our second family. Despite that, our perceptions and our memories differ. We choose what we want to remember. All the good times, all the bad times, all the heartaches, all the joy and all the pain.

    

       The adventure of young love, that’s a story we all go through and get away with. I mean, as much as people tell us that it wouldn’t last and it’s not worth it, it’s high school. Truth be told, we’re all naïve kids with curiosity the size of the Atlantic Ocean. It’s a fairytale but the ending is a nightmare. What girl wouldn’t fall for a knight in shining armor – or in my case, a knight in a white cast on his left arm with a charming smile? Like I said, we choose what to remember. When you think about it, it’s not something we should regret, because it makes us understand more. This is life before we know who we’re going to be, it’s the time to explore.

       With a lot of smiles, there come a lot of tears. Homesickness, betrayals, break ups. They all lead us to doing crazy things and thus, ruining our lives, or shaping us into better individuals. You choose. Love is part of growing up, whether it’s real or not, whether it’s long or short. It’s the thing that spices up our lives, making our stories more interesting. ‘Cause in the end, when all this is over, it’s all about the stories we have, the anecdotes we tell our children and the people around us.

       Out of all the pain in the world, the pain that hurts most is the pain of saying goodbye. Some people come into your life and they leave temporarily, but some leave forever. The departure of a favorite teacher, the leaving of a good friend. Acceptance towards reality: that’s what sucks most. Appreciating something or someone when we have it or him or her: that’s one lesson no human will understand.

  

      Before we know it, we’d all be leaving. We’d all reach the age of 17 and we’d be finishing our SPM and we’d all leave school. The adventure that started ends and that’s when we close our book. It’d be that time where we’d start fresh; start a new story. And by then, we’d be better because we know what’s right and what’s wrong and we’d know how to handle situations. High school is like the pre-school of life. It gets us ready for the future, when we really live.

        So my form 4 ending was really unexpected, because it ended as a love story.  The knight in the cast whom I met two and a half weeks before school ended actually became important in my life. But our short love affair has ended, as school ended. Relationships with my friends were in a good state, despite the tears and the backbiting. Teachers’ perceptions of me might be a little rocky, but oh well. When else can you cause trouble? And I got to give a last hug to my favorite English teacher whom I will miss a lot ‘cause she’s gone next year.

      I could end this chapter in satisfaction and hope for a better next year.

“Ends are not bad things, they just mean that something else is about to begin. And there are many things that don't really end, anyway, they just begin again in a new way. Ends are not bad and many ends aren't really an ending; some things are never-ending.” 
― C. JoyBell C.

Breaking rules

Skipping Friday prayers is a bad thing but the thing is, its not wajib for girls to do Friday prayers. And second, I wouldn't understand a thing the imam says and I definitely won't have khusyuk praying. So I am currently in my not so big metal locker in the dark, my phone being the only source of light, listening to people hurrying others to the surau and fast paced footsteps heading out. The world seems so calm and big even though I'm in my locker.

In Spreading Wings and Freedom

I honestly really miss Harith.

Ps its mrsm Dina, not DD or MJfan (coz it was her birthday and my English teacher mentioned poetic hour).

To Najmers

Assalamualaikum.

Dear Najmi,

I don't know how it feels like to be booed or to be shown the middle finger when you're on stage but I do know how much pressure people put on you, expecting the best show ever when you're just like "oh god what am I supposed to do" inside. And then, you're just so nervous that everything that comes out of your mouth is just a laid of crap that makes no sense and those 500 pairs of eyes downing on you, getting ready to boo you out of the stage.

I'd so much like to say that their assholes but hey who am I to judge (they sorta are tho)? But you know, (prs to prs) you hafta understand that if you were them, you'd feel the same thing. It's okay, we're humans and we all have our weaknessess but sometimes we just have to look at what we've got.
Not that I'm saying we should boast or anything, just have that tinge of pride of ourselves planted in us.

I honestly don't know where this post is heading hahahahaha I'm so sorry I can't exactly think straight. I just wanted to make you feel better.

For what it's worth, I (and so many others especially the 4IH family) think you're cool. And funny and crazy and annoying sometimes but its okay and spontaneous and entertaining and fun and just bursting with confidence (and awesome). Don't be like me; don't stop what you love doing just because of what some meaningless people's perception of you. You're gonna miss a whole lot bro and I'm saying this cause you can actually do it - you have all the criteria that fits.

So yeaaaaaah, don't let it get to you. I lav you ma lil bro twin crazy funny ass (idk if that even makes sense). The day shall come when we play chubby bunneh yeah.

-

Nostalgia comes whenever it wants and when it does you can't do anything about it. Nanny McPhee said some really wise words, "when you need me and don't want me, I'll be there; when you don't need me and want me, I won't be there." I guess that applies to almost everything and everyone. I may have not realised it but maybe all those times I had everything was more because I needed it than I wanted it.

Daddy, perhaps you left us all because we didn't need you anymore. That sounds mean. But I mean, I think so, Allahualam, Allah knows best. I do miss you. I do wish we had spent more time together.

I have that problem. I don't appreciate people when they're around me; I tend to take them for granted and the aftermath is me regretting not going all out. But regrets are bad.

I miss a lot of things and I miss a lot of people. Things I wish I'd done, words I wish I'd spoken, they never made it out of my nervous system or my vocal cords.

Goodbye Constant

Looking back at things bring up a lot of feelings. There are feelings of miss, funny, hatred, hurt, loss and mostly love. I have no idea what's got into me but I am feeling so nostalgic atm. On top of that, I guess some things from the past found its way into the present, bringing up unresolved feelings and false hope, yet again. But looking at old pictures, and old posts tells me of how much I have changed. Judging myself from last year, I have to say, I'm satisfied. I like myself. I like the people I have around me.

I know we're not as close now, because I went away, and I realize it's mostly my fault for not talking to you guys when I have the chance. Seeing how left out I am in your lives just show how selfish I am, but I don't know, I guess that's one thing I can't change. We still have chemistry, I still love you like family. But some things turn out the way it does because it's just meant to be like that.

And you, who after much thinking, is I guess the only constant in my life is probably no longer gonna be that. You're leaving and I have to say, it's probably perfect timing since I've made things awkward between us (though it's you who is awkward, I'm just fine bro~). I'm sorry for thinking too much and feeling too much but I guess that's just who I am. I doubt you'll ever read this but oh well. To me, you are that one person who knows more about me than anybody else. You bring out the worst in me but you bring out the real me as well and I thank you for helping me reach this stage of finding myself.

I'd hate to say it, but I guess this is goodbye? Or early goodbye. Please don't remember me as the crazy girl desperate for love (or you) haha, because I'm not in love with you, you don't have to worry about that. Or maybe I am, but that's a mystery I have to dig deeper to uncover. For what it's worth, you were real too.

Beauty From Within

It's not wrong to feel like you're pretty or beautiful. It doesn't mean that you're being vain or self-absorbed. I'm pretty sure that most girls who look at themselves in the mirror find themselves to be good looking most of the time. Or well, at least I do. Yes, I guess I'm admitting to finding myself as pretty. It sorta increases my self-esteem.

But there are those days where I pass by the mirror and look into it only to find that I couldn't find anything. It's like, there's this void inside me that can only be filled with something I have yet found. I don't know who I look at in the mirror sometimes. The reflection is just so ugly it brings hollowness inside the pit of my stomach. Don't get me wrong, I'm not searching for sympathy compliments.

If you could feel what I feel, then you'd know how indescribable the feeling of seeing yourself ugly is. Sometimes its not even your outside, it's your inside. But the brain works in miraculous ways; it brings the inside, out. It effects my sight to making me look ugly and feel ugly. Double dose of ugliness, could the world be any worse.

To be beautiful is a bonus, to feel beautiful is a blessing.

Kisses Misses

I actually meant to post this two weeks ago.

Dear Dad, I honestly miss you.

The Un-Remembrance

I thought we had something. Even if it was for a millisecond, i thought there was something between us. Because when we were together the world didn't exist. When we were together, time stopped. Even if it were just innocent boy-girl-crush dates. The feelings were still there -the heart skipping a beat, the butterflies in the stomach, the weakening of the knees - i felt them all for you.

But when you said that you were never serious about anybody before her, i was just speechless. Who was i? Was i that unimportant - were we together too short that it was almost as if it didn't happen? Or am i just to dumb to realise that what happened was close to nothing?

I know it shouldn't bother me, because i should be over you by now considering everything that happened was more than two years ago. But it kinda sucks when you thought you had something with someone and two years later he tells you he was just playing with girls before he got himself a really special girlfriend. It kinda sucks to be unremembered. It kinda sucks to know that you found being with him so special and you thought he felt the same way when in reality it's just you, alone.

I would have said something. I would have gone and asked if i was of any importance to you but why would i even bother. One thing worse than being one of the victims of girls you were just playing around with is to know that all of us before her was no importance to you whatsoever. Because we were never hard enough to get; because we were just there to fill your time, to spice up your life for a short while, where you soon would forget.

It sucks to hold on to something you know you'll never get. It sucks to not let go. It sucks to not be able to let go. It sucks to know that you mean nothing to them but still having to talk to them everyday because that's how it is. It sucks to still want to talk to them even if it hurts. It sucks to be the one hoping all the time. It sucks to still remember when they've forgotten. It sucks to face reality. It sucks to feel.

Truth is, I'm not over you and I don't know if I ever will.

Economy Class Dissatisfaction

So I was in the plane from Brisbane, Australia to Kuala Lumpur. We (my mom, my sisters and brother and cousins + Dayah - my aunt) had to sit in economy class because there wasn't enough Enrich points for us to go on business class. I thought, it wouldn't be that bad.

It sucked. You can barely move an inch sitting in economy class. It was like being stuck in a box that's perfectly your size. I had to sleep so still it wasn't even enjoyable. I couldn't even get my legs on the chair cause it was so small! But I still managed to sleep for 5 hours, which was good, I guess. It was a night flight so it wasn't that hard to fall asleep (even with all the uncomfortableness).

I woke up at half past five in the morning and I was close to dehydration. I pressed the "person" button on the remote control and it took like 10 minutes for the stewardess to come. I asked (politely, I might add) for a bottle of water and she said, "No, you can't. We can only give you a glass of water." Right, okay. And so she left, leaving me to think she'd bring me the glass (or plastic cup) of water in a matter of seconds. But no. I was wrong. I waited five minutes and went to the toilet and came back, which totaled up to like 15 minutes and there was still no glass of water!!!

I've finally realized that in business class, they treat you like royalty; in economy, they treat you like shit.

By then it was breakfast time, so I guess it was fine. While eating the stale airplane food, I thought to myself, maybe they just don't have enough sleep. That's why the rudeness and all. Sigh. Understanding people is really one hard thing to do.

Suck It Up

And when things go just the way you want them to, they don't. There is always that something to ruin your perfect moment. Be it your mother screaming to you about how you'll fail or your friend whom you wish to leave behind's mom trying so hard to make him/her get into the same school as you are. There's just something. I mean, it's not that I'm complaining or something, it's just that whatever this all is, it's fate, isn't it? The laws of universe, and who am I to complain about it?

But you know, sometimes you just want things to go as you want it to go. Sometimes you just wanna leave everything behind and get a new fresh start. Who cares if you're in a dump of some sort or whatever, sometimes there's just too much to deal with you just gotta leave them behind. I mean, of course you can't run away from your problems, cause surely they'll come back to haunt you. But sometimes running away can just be the best thing to do. At least it stops you from unleashing the crazy bitch you are inside, am I right?

Not that I'm saying things are so bad for me. Noooo, nope. I'm not saying that at all. Why would I be anyway, my life is perfect, isn't it? I've a best friend who I'm probably head over heels in love with but you know, I'm probably supposed to be best friends with this one other person who is right under my nose all the time. Sure, sometimes I get angry, but I can't really be annoyed with my best friend, can I? Especially if she's the apple of my mother's eye. Why, that would just be stupid.

And then there are times when everyone says you're not gonna succeed get to your head. Or maybe even if they don't say it, they have this look on their faces that say, "Oh honey, if only I could tell you how miserable your life would be there. You are so coming back in like a week." And you just feel like the last light of hope inside you just went poof and you... are left with no light. Your whole head would be filled with all the wrong emotions, you're banging the doors and you just keep eating and eating to satisfy that anger. Because when anger comes, all the bad things come too, we just don't notice that. But you know, you can't really say. I mean, hello ! You're not a mind-reader. Or a fortune teller. Or god.

So, in the end. All you gotta do is suck it up. Oh no, all you can do is just suck it up and live with the fate that has been written for you. And you can't complain because there are people with situations so much worse than you do.

 "You slam the bottom and either walk away or suck it up and get through it. " - Gabrielle Reece

Honestly, I hate talking about serious stuff in the cyber world.

The Sad Part

OK fine. So apparently i can't really write a will :( Because there are some rules to follow. Oh well, sorry DD, I just ruined part of your happiness hahah.

Like Mother, Like Daughter

And another death came. Not that I'm sad or anything, because I wasn't at all close to my grandmother, but I do somewhat sympathise my mom. She's lost two important people in her life in 6 months. But because my grandmother was like eighty plus, and she had been bedridden for like a year, everybody expected her death, and no one was really sad. I mean, Allahualam, I don't know, but nobody seemed to be extremely sad. Except for the maids at my cousin's house. Oh boy, they were attached to the grandmother.

But anyway, I realised that, my mother is exactly the same as I am. Even though I much disagree with her on things, our position in the family is the same. We're both middle children, nobody listens to us (or whenever they do, they disagree) and we question a lot. When we were on our way home from my cousin's, which was a forty minute ride, she was complaining of how her sisters kept on bullying her and telling her how wrong she was, even though she knows she's right. I so wanted to tell her that the way her sisters treated her, was exactly the way I'm being treated, but I just couldn't.

I mean, seriously. Whatever I say, whether it's related to religion or school or my friends, my mom and my siblings would just be like, "oh okay," in a way that says nobody cares. But don't worry, I've learned to cope with it. Okay, well no. When it's about religion, they'd be saying how wrong I am, even though there's clearly evidence that proves me right. But what can I do anyway? Dakwah to family members is truly the hardest thing.

So anyway, all these deaths has got me thinking. I should write my will. Even though, it's probably not important for me, but hey, who knows? And besides, it's kinda fun hahah. Okay, next post!