Stuck In The Middle

Have you ever like, got stuck in a group of loud people and you're the only one that's quiet? Okay, maybe not. It's happened to me though. I don't think it's the first time today, but so far, I think today's was the worst :\.

It was Sports Day, at about noon, I think. I was following my friend, 'cause I was going back with her and I didn't wanna lose her, so yeah, I followed her. She went to this sort-of-bus-stop at one corner of the stadium, where there were her sister's friend and her brother's, the guy I've been talking about. Oh and there was this guy, he's in our form. Okaaaaaay, anyway, they were all being loud and hyper, and vain, and I was just there. Looking lost and shy. What the heck, right? I mean, I barely spoke.

That wasn't the only time. Almost every time I followed my friend to her sister and her friends, it'd be that awkward with me. A part of me just kinda felt like am-I-too-lame-that-you-won't-even-look-at-me? I know, that's stupid, 'cause I'm not supposed to say I'm lame, it's just.. I felt that way, for some reason. With the bad mood I was in, it made how I felt worse.

What are you supposed to do when you're stuck in the middle? I mean, seriously. Speak? What if you just mumble? What if you don't have anything to say? What if you can't think of anything to say? Then, how? Just stand there and be awkward and feel lame? Well, I did that and let's just say, it was a whole thumbs down.

Maybe :\

And every time I like someone, I always feel like there's someone better than me. One that he'll like more.

It's not like that. I'm not saying anything. I just feel like I'm not good enough. As if I'm boring. Is that normal?

But then again, I don't really feel much for him, so.. what? I remember last week, there were those couple of days where I felt so sure. I felt like I was the only one that mattered, but then, as time goes by, we start to grow apart. It's too early to say, I know. But I just think that way. Maybe it's because we haven't seen each other for a couple of days.

Before I confessed, I couldn't wait for night time to come, because that's when we normally chat, to tell him about my day. Now, a week later, it's like I have nothing to talk about with him. Not nothing, just that, when we chat, it's as if I'm boring him.

I know I can't accuse. I'm not. It's just how I feel. Maybe I'm just tired. Maybe when I'm in the right mood, I won't feel this way.

Or maybe we're just moving too fast. Things that are supposed to be done in a few months was done in a few days. And the feelings go away as if it's been months that I liked him.

But it is possible to lose feeling for someone so great in less than a week? Will that make me a bad person? But then, what's the point of it anyway? If he says he doesn't fall in love, then what am I here for? Don't I want to fall in love and get in a relationship?

I know that I'm young. I haven't even set a goal for my life yet, but that's out of the question. But, am I smart enough? He's not a douche, he's not a jerk. In fact, he's the total opposite of those. I just don't know what I should do right now. Where I'm going.

I have two choices: To stay where I am, enjoy the moment; or Stop it, find someone better. But what about the what ifs? What if, if I stay, I still won't feel a thing and I'd just be playing him? No, we're not together, but it's wrong to make someone think you like him when you don't, right? And then, what if I stop and I regret it because he's a great guy? There aren't that many good guys out there in the world, let alone great guys.

Okay, done. Enough. No more. This might just be a phase. I will get over it. I will continue to like him and enjoy the moment. There. Done. I will zip my mouth and shut down my brain about this thing and convince myself that he's a great guy that I will wanna stick to.

Oh God, seeing his pictures is making me feel like I wanna cry. I don't know why, I don't want to. What the heck is this? HELP! - 11.18 P.M.

The New Boy I Like

For me to get a crush after loving someone for so long is kinda really weird xD. I mean, I don't LOVE this guy, I just like him. I can't say it feels better than love, but I kinda really like this feeling. Well, partly 'cause I don't feel anything for him. Much. I just smile whenever I talk about him, I grin widely whenever I see his pictures, and I stalk. A lot, even if I've seen his pictures millions of times already. I just can't get enough. I mean, I never get bored looking at this face. I chat with him more than 4 hours every night - okay well, not every night. On most nights (but that's gonna stop ): ) And sometimes more :P - and I don't get bored for some reason. There's always something to talk about.

And then I realized something. I've never really felt comfort when I was with my ex. There was always something that was wrong. Something I couldn't say. Something. And in real life, I felt as if I couldn't be beside him because I might get teased. I felt like I couldn't talk to him much, because maybe he'd think I want people to notice us or something. There's always that. ALWAYS. I didn't want him to see the bad side of me, and it's all he could see.

Anyway, with this guy I like, I don't feel like I need to be like this or like that. I'm comfortable with him. And he's actually interested in chatting with me. I can be who I really am. Or what I feel like. Honestly, I'm more comfortable with him than with my other friends. Okay, I dunno in real life, but on chat, yeah. I feel more comfortable with him. And he understands the -.-'' and =.='' smileys. LOL, maybe that's silly, but some people, they put it on every single sentence, and I can't help feeling guilty, like I made them annoyed or something. He's really something.

This might be too soon, but everyday, I look forward to chatting with him. Is that weird? I keep thinking that me liking him is weird, you know. Like I keep thinking people would say stuff if they found out. About the comfort? I still feel that, that's just when I'm chatting with him. I mean, it's like nothing could bother me. Yeah, maybe it is weird xD. Whatever, I'm happier now.

I spent most of my time chatting with him and thinking about him that I kinda forgot to miss my friends. I'm sorry, I know that's selfish or something, but it's just... I can't get him outta my head. Everything I do, I'd be thinking, "Oh man, time moves so slow! Grr, if only day was night .__." It always happens! When my friend tagged me in a status, saying that she misses me (and the others), I was like, "Oh crap! I totally forgot about her!" Seriously, he's gotten me crazy. Even though we chat that much... I kinda still miss him. And I dunno, I'm starting to feel something. Like, when i went to the movies yesterday, I had this weird feeling inside of me. I can't describe it. Something like shivering, but not really. I dunno. It was just weird.

GRRR WEIRDNESS >_<

Just... Okay?

Most people are so afraid of getting judged by others. I mean, I don't get why. Okay, fine, maybe I'd get offended if anybody judges me before they even know me, but now, it's like, so what? It's not like they're worth it. And it's their loss. I mean, if you think you're great, then yeah, it's their loss for not wanting to get to know you cause they think you're a *(&@W(* or a @W((*@# (i dont even know what im typing, but whatever).

LOL, i think I've written stuff like this a million times already, it's just that, I read on Tumblr, on a person's blog, she said not to judge her. Of course people will judge her. It's human nature. We just have to you know, just... But yeah, maybe it would be offending, but think about it, would you rather have a great time with your friends and not care what others think or would you wanna live crying over someone saying you're a *#(@&%?

Relationship Status: Single

I think being single is sad. I think the people who are single are sad. Okay, maybe not those people who choose to be single and like it that way. But I dunno, I think most people, or rather everybody, wants somebody by their side, to love them and to be there for them through every moment of their lives. Dig deep down, honey, you'll find it.

Those "I am single because I'm too good for any men" quotes are not true. You're single 'cause you're not good enough for that guy you lost or want. Face it. Okay, fine, maybe you are good enough for him, but you just can't get him for whatever reasons. Those quotes are just to make you feel better. But why believe lies? Okay, so you got dumped, or you just broke up, then be sad. Take your time. It took me 62 days (I think) to get over my ex-boyfriend. That's a long time, you know.

Anyway, just be sad. At least you feel something. Not feeling anything towards anyone is kind of sadder. I mean, think about it. When you don't feel anything, whatever you do with yourself, it's just for you, no one else. Okay, maybe I'm the only one who feels that way, but I dunno. It's just weird and sad. I heard this song the other day, If tomorrow never comes by Boyzone, and it kinda got me thinking about this whole thing. So like, what if tomorrow never comes? Who's in your heart then?

Okay, fineeee, it's not a big deal, it's just that... it's nice to be in a relationship. At least you know that there's a someone who looks forward to see you and talk to you. That someone who loves you.

Shrug. Hmm...

P/S: Sorry if I was harsh :\