And then my conscience speaks

Note: read this in a british accent.

"Dear diary,

I dont understand this at all. If i were to think any harder, id crack my head open. What are these feelings? What are these thoughts? Theyre spinning round my head like those little kids playing ring around a roses. Theyre giving me sleep deprivation as well as insomnia. Why do i care so much? Why do i want to rush to his aid when hes in need and why does it frustrates me that i know i cant? Why do i think so much of it? Why do i let myself fall even when ive fallen over and over again and never hitting the ground on the spot that i want to fall on? I know that in reality, that spot on the ground doesnt exist because its just too surreal.

I dont think the world is being fair because ive been through this. What ever happened to lightning never strikes twice at the same place? I have to refrain myself from thinking too far. Thinking leads to hoping leads to getting hurt. But why dont i learn from all those times of getting hurt?

I hate this."



You know, Amil, maybe its because you want to feel that way?

Distant?

It's weird to feel so distant from someone. Being close but distant is one thing. But being distant, like really distant is weird. And then there's being distant and feeling connected, that's even weirder. Do you get me?

It feels hollow; like something's missing. Different. I can't put it to words. It's like something's taking bits and pieces of me down; slowly, making things fade. It feels... distant. Like I'm far, far away. And there's nothing I can do about it.


Or maybe I just miss you.

Shit Happens

I hate this. I hate how we are. I hate what we're becoming. I hate us.

I hate distance.

I know that it's inevitable that we'd be like this but I guess I just didn't want to believe it'd actually happen cause you were you and I was I whenever we talk; whenever we meet. 'Cause you were the closest thing I had and I loved you more than anyone else that has set foot on earth 'cause you taught me more things than anybody else ever had and you gave me wisdom like no one else and you were just extraordinarily awesome. Or I guess that was in my head.

But it sucks that distance could actually separate us. It sucks that we actually let distance make us less than bestest friends. I know it's really nobody's fault that we're like this. I mean, we can't really expect to be friends forever. Ok im talking like we're ending our friendship here. And no we're not. We're just not as close as we were before. You're the one with the proof. Yeah, maybe it's just a stupid game but it kinda shows that our friendship is on thin ice. Aida could guess the same thing you say in 2 rounds and when you and I played it was till 18 rounds. Yeah.

It's not that I'm jealous of you and Aida or what. It's just that, it's enough proof to say that we're not the same Amilah and Harith.

god i havent cried for a long time. This must really suck.

When you said I replaced you with Naqib, that was hurtful. But maybe I did replace you with Naqib for a while cause I needed a break from you because I needed to get over you. And I'm saying all this as if you'll ever read this. All you need to know is that even if Naqib is cool and fun to talk to, he'll never be you. I mean, I couldn't talk to him on the phone for hours without knowing the time like I do with you. But you know, what is that anyway?

But yeah, Aida's much cooler than I am. She knows way more music and she's way wiser and I don't know, she's prettier and nicer and she actually listens to advice and she's more in control of herself and you said she's a lot like me anyway so if you felt replaced when I talked to Naqib, you have no idea how much I feel replaced now.

But you know, it's one of those things you can't really control. 'Cause all these things change through time. And with the distance between us and the lack of internet that I have and the not-right-timing make it hard for me to even get to you so yeah. It's okay. I can live with us just being normal friends.

Plus, I'm sorry i never listen. You don't listen to me either in case you haven't noticed. I guess I just feel like you got really mad at me, that's why I'm like avoiding you right now even though it's only been like 33 hours since we last talked.

And well, you've clearly done way more with Aida. I mean, you've taken her around London or Surrey or where even though she's like 10000 miles away. I must sound like a jealous bitch right about now. I'm not okay? I'm just having a really hard time accepting what's real.

Yeah, have fun.

-

I miss that moment when 'Aina and I were running from the BKPs cause we wanted to skip Yaasin that night and we went down the middle staircase and my legs were heavy as we went downstairs cause I knew you were turning to where I was and I stayed on the last two stair and you turned left and saw me, your eyes fixed on mine and your face was a mixture of surprised delight and you smiled.



As if I was the best thing you saw all night. 

Can you please?

I know it's bad and I know I'd be guilty of this one day but I will delete this.

My mom can be sporting, but only 50%. She can be cool, but that's like 1 in 10 times. She would buy me anything I want, as long as it's not so expensive. Fine, I like that about her. She's a good mother, cause she gives us what we want and in return, we study hard. I mean, she doesn't exactly push us, but the realisation comes to us itself. And she praises us on whatever we get, thus making us feel appreciated and discouraged.

OK, while she's all that, she's also the worse at being a teenager's friend. I know I'm rebellious, but that's probably only cause she's the way she is. I know I control myself and I could not be rebellious if I didn't want to, but thing is, I do want to. Thing is, I do not want to be like my mom. Sure, her children succeeds, she succeeds and she's wealthy and we have a lovely home and we live luxuriously (I'm not even kidding) and we look like a happy family. We probably are a happy family. And I'm sure as hell not saying that I hate my family; I do love them. I just am my own person and I have learned things by myself (as in without the help of mom) and I love myself even if I may not be as smart as my sister or as knowledgeable about the world as my other sister or as logical as my brother but I do understand things they do not understand and they (I assume) refuse to understand.

So my mom is so judgmental I don't even know what to say. What happened was that I wanted to go to my friend, 'Aina's house in Wangsa Maju. And apparently where she lives is somewhere that's not really where rich people live. I mean, like a normal housing area. AND THEN SHE GOES ALL, "Where does she live?" So I said, "In front of Carrefour, near the petrol station with the 7-E." And she said, "The houses there are small and ugly." Well, she said something like that.

BUT I MEAN SO WHAT?! I do not care, mom. I really do not care if my friends have Bentleys or if they have Kancils. I don't care if they wear Zara or if they wear Giant brand clothes. I don't care if they dine at Pavilion every night or if they dine at those stalls near the roads. And I absolutely do not care if their houses are as big as KLCC or a mouse hole. OK, so I might not want to stay for a week but I so wouldn't mind going there for a day to hang out with my friend.

Fine, that's not something that I should really go all ballistic about but she's not just like that with this kind of thing. She's like that with so many things !! Like I hate how she makes it as though she's higher than everyone else and complaining about other people's work. I mean, ok, I do that too. But I hate myself every time I do that 'cause I know I can't do better. Even if I could, I wouldn't want to. And I could imagine those people not wanting to do it cause it's a shitty job they're doing. I'm not saying I'm an angel or so much better than my mom but god, I just hate what she does sometimes. It's like, could you like please appreciate some people?

It's such a bad example to teach kids, you know. I mean, I'm so glad I could think for myself already. I'm so glad I am not even so close to my mom (and this is something so bad to say). But yeah, I mean, I really am thankful that I learned a lot of things by myself and that I am this rebellious teenager cause I'll never know how to tell my sons and daughters how to live and actually enjoy it if I'm so much like my mom.

So to my future kids, I promise I'll try my best to become the coolest mother ever cause I have actually understood the "support-but-disagreeing" term.

Where's the Chemistry?

Why would I be sad when I'm not? Why would I miss you when I don't? Why would I be guilty of texting and tweeting you when you actually reply? Why would I like you when I don't? Or at least I don't think so.

But then why would I spend like an hour of my facial, in a cold, quiet room just thinking about you and not realising it (until this thought comes) if I don't have feelings for you?

But thing is, I don't.

Feel anything, that is.

It's hard to explain.

I feel like we're really fading away since we're not talking IRL anymore. And it's like, our texts are so.... Chemistry-less. We suck at texting. Like I said, I like talking IRL more.

But whatever happened to things in school stays in school?

Cause reality is, you have a girlfriend and I'm always second best, aren't I? I was there for you enjoyment (in the most innocent way possible) but now that I'm 500 miles away, it makes me no different than your long distance girlfriend.

Ugh okay I'm messing up my head.

Monday - 3:49 p.m.

But talking to you on the phone makes me think otherwise. I mean, I didn't even realise it was 40 minutes. And we both know that it would have been longer if you weren't busy looking for whatever you were looking for. So what is this?

Would it make me a bad person if I just continue talking to you and well, I can't help myself from flirting - it's like I do it unconsciously - even when I know you have a girlfriend who was actually my senior in SAB?

Yes, it kinda would.

Dear Yasmin,

Dear Alia Yasmin,

I don't know how this will help but I hope it does. It's not the same, I know, cause I'm just a friend, and he was your boyfriend but on the bright side, there are still people who appreciate you. I know breaking up is hard, I've been through it. I mean not like yours but I've told you things I've done with my ex, and you know how bad I was but you know, sometimes it's better to let go. Sometimes things don't go as you planned it to. Sometimes they suck. All good must end. That's life. It's like the law of the universe, we can't go against it. You out of all people should be grateful that things happened the way it did because who knows, soon you might meet the guy of your dreams. He's probably right in front of you. Jodoh di tangan tuhan kan?

I know, I'm repeating things. I know, you've heard all this but you know, when I get sad, I kinda just want people to say all these things again, cause even if I know already, it's a friendly reminder. I don't know, I guess I kinda feel guilty cause I'm like so far away from you when we should have been together right now but I probably wouldn't know what to say. You're the talker, you're the one who knows how to deal with this. But I guess heroes fall down too? It's okay, we're all humans.

Anyway, yeah you should be glad it happened like this. Could have been worse. At least you're still sane. At least you're trying to accept the fact. At least you're not cutting yourself or doing drugs. See the cup as half full, not half empty. I know I'm not really that good at giving advices or sharing my thoughts, but this is like the best I could do. Terimalah seadanya~

Whatever it is, you're still you. You're still awesome, talkative, confident, pretty, bubbly, crazy and ten million other adjectives Alia Yasmin. It's gonna take some time. But don't stress yourself. Apparently it can lead to death ahhaha. For what it's worth, I love you. And I still count as an important person, don't I? Don't kutuk him so much cause I know you know deep down that he's not a bad person. You don't know his story and neither do I. But I'm sure whatever it is, he has a reason for it. And itu pun, kita takda right to judge. Jangan lupa apa dia dah buat yang dulu dulu tu. I mean, for what you think of him la. Thinking of him as a bad person won't make you forget him. Trust me, I know. It's just gonna get you angry and you're gonna blame everybody for that. Too much negative energy, ugh.

I'm probably taking this really easy cause it's not happening to me. But all break ups share the same pain, I think. I know you're still hoping. It sucks. I know how it feels. My name means hopeful kan, hahah it's a blessing and a curse. But oh well. So yeah, eat chocolates, sing out loud, scream into your pillow. Do something crazy, it helps. Be drunk without drinking. Best kind of being drunk, cause you actually remember what you did. And it's all funny in the end.

And do not blame yourself. You ain't a bad person, sister. We all make mistakes, but that's the coolest part of living.

 -amilah-

Dear Miss Aimi

hahaha idk if i'd get in trouble sending this to a teacher but i feel so cool having done it

Salam.

Dear Miss Aimi,

This is what I’ve got so far. I mean I’ve got more in mind but it’s like, based on the same person and I don’t know, I guess I don’t want him to get in trouble or him to think that I’m hoping too much (cause im not, I just like being overdramatic). And well, cause I sorta already got him in trouble on my last day of school and by telling you this I’m gonna get in trouble next year? I know teacher Nurul probably doesn’t like me anymore but I’m like, hey, this is life. I mean, I want to do things where I feel proud of and I’m happy with. I want that teenager moments, those movie moments. Movies and books may be bad influence on me cause they lead me into doing all these things (breaking rules and having high school relationships – or short term love – and etc.) but I’m not gonna learn anything extraordinary things by playing by the rules. Being crazy in your teenage years is priceless, it’s awesome. I don’t expect you or anybody to understand, I mean, I’d understand if you come up to me and be like, “Amilah, you can’t do this, it’s wrong.” But well, life has to be fun. So what im actually trying to say is I apologize for not being an angel in school, cause I don’t want my story to be of the student who studies and doesn’t have any wild fun. I have a year left to make things memorable. And worth remembering. I do promise to keep my grades up though. I’ll make it work, somehow, inshaAllah. Just... have faith in me. ‘Cause that’s the only thing I’m doing right now, having faith in myself. Ms Izzaty told me she picked me in debate because she knows I have it in me (whatever it is) and it’s not that I want to disappoint you or her or anybody but I really don’t wanna regret not doing anything.

      Oh yeah Im sure you know who the budak patah tangan is cause hes the only one with a cast on his left hand. Please don’t do anything to him or say anything cause it’s over between us anyway, whatever it was. And hes already got “a talk” with teacher Nurul which is making me guilty right to this second. Nothing’s gonna happen anymore cause we’re not gonna see each other in school anymore. I don’t wanna continue about my love life hahahah it’d be awkward.

     But yeah these are my work. I hope you like them and if you don’t, it’s okay. I wouldn’t mind if you cancelled out the ‘for….” I wrote at the end of my poems. Give me a feedback!! Okay bye tell me if you want more!

-amilah-

All In Your Hands

So I really like this essay I wrote for the school magazine.

I’ve never thought boarding school life would be much of an adventure. I mean, I’ve heard stories and all but come on, who would ever actually believe what people say unless you’ve been through it yourself? If you’d ask me a year and a half ago, I’d say you’d be delusional to find me in a boarding school this year.

      But things changed. I did apply for boarding schools around the time PMR started and I actually did want to go. This isn’t a story of my life in a boarding school; it’s more of my perception. I wouldn’t say I’m someone with a lot of thought nor would I say I’m wise in any way but out of 16 years of living, I’ve picked up a think or two and I’ve realized that things are never what it seems. That’s life: Expect the unexpected.

      I came as a naïve adolescent without expectations, just eagerness. I came with all inferiority blocked out. I came as a new person – as a person I myself hadn’t met. I didn’t know what I was doing; I didn’t know where I was going. What I did know was that I didn’t want to be the person I was before, I wanted to stand out. “Go with the flow.” Sometimes you just have to have that leap of faith and jump over the fence without thinking of the consequences. That’s when you know your adventure has started.

      Towards the end, you start noticing things being different than when you first got in. A LOT had changed. You get to see people mature through time; you get to see yourself mature –physically and mentally. Some have grown taller, bigger, prettier, and handsomer and it’d be a lie to say that each and every one of us has not gotten wiser in a way.

     

        Towards the end, I realize that it’s all about choices: whether you want to end the chapter sad or happy. Of course everyone has different stories, but we go through everything with our friends – the people closest to us, our second family. Despite that, our perceptions and our memories differ. We choose what we want to remember. All the good times, all the bad times, all the heartaches, all the joy and all the pain.

    

       The adventure of young love, that’s a story we all go through and get away with. I mean, as much as people tell us that it wouldn’t last and it’s not worth it, it’s high school. Truth be told, we’re all naïve kids with curiosity the size of the Atlantic Ocean. It’s a fairytale but the ending is a nightmare. What girl wouldn’t fall for a knight in shining armor – or in my case, a knight in a white cast on his left arm with a charming smile? Like I said, we choose what to remember. When you think about it, it’s not something we should regret, because it makes us understand more. This is life before we know who we’re going to be, it’s the time to explore.

       With a lot of smiles, there come a lot of tears. Homesickness, betrayals, break ups. They all lead us to doing crazy things and thus, ruining our lives, or shaping us into better individuals. You choose. Love is part of growing up, whether it’s real or not, whether it’s long or short. It’s the thing that spices up our lives, making our stories more interesting. ‘Cause in the end, when all this is over, it’s all about the stories we have, the anecdotes we tell our children and the people around us.

       Out of all the pain in the world, the pain that hurts most is the pain of saying goodbye. Some people come into your life and they leave temporarily, but some leave forever. The departure of a favorite teacher, the leaving of a good friend. Acceptance towards reality: that’s what sucks most. Appreciating something or someone when we have it or him or her: that’s one lesson no human will understand.

  

      Before we know it, we’d all be leaving. We’d all reach the age of 17 and we’d be finishing our SPM and we’d all leave school. The adventure that started ends and that’s when we close our book. It’d be that time where we’d start fresh; start a new story. And by then, we’d be better because we know what’s right and what’s wrong and we’d know how to handle situations. High school is like the pre-school of life. It gets us ready for the future, when we really live.

        So my form 4 ending was really unexpected, because it ended as a love story.  The knight in the cast whom I met two and a half weeks before school ended actually became important in my life. But our short love affair has ended, as school ended. Relationships with my friends were in a good state, despite the tears and the backbiting. Teachers’ perceptions of me might be a little rocky, but oh well. When else can you cause trouble? And I got to give a last hug to my favorite English teacher whom I will miss a lot ‘cause she’s gone next year.

      I could end this chapter in satisfaction and hope for a better next year.

“Ends are not bad things, they just mean that something else is about to begin. And there are many things that don't really end, anyway, they just begin again in a new way. Ends are not bad and many ends aren't really an ending; some things are never-ending.” 
― C. JoyBell C.