2010

2010. What can you say about 2010? For me, I can say A LOT. But it's indescribable. Because, this year, it has been an interesting yet amazing journey. Of course, there had been rough times, but hey, is there any year that doesn't have any of those? But I could say that this year, it was extreme. The fun was extreme and the "rough times" were extreme. I guess, for me, it's an extreme year. I can't say extremely fun year, cause it wasn't all fun. Nor can I say it was an extremely miserable year, because it wasn't. There were just some parts that were .. well, not as I planned (duh! Who'd plan bad things in their lives?).

I started the year as a whole different person as I am now. When I think about it now, I kind of think, I was lifeless. And I was not very appreciative. Okay, okay, I was not appreciative at all. Happy? I didn't appreciate what class I was in. I didn't appreciate my 100 ringgit phone bill limit. I didn't appreciate what I had. And worst of all, I didn't appreciate my friends. I wanted more. I wanted popularity. I was ready to give up my real friends for someone that I can never be. I wanted to be those girls who seem so awesome. I didn't realize that my friends now were the awesome ones (Forgive me for saying this. We all have different points of view, right?). And I was so lifeless, that I was friends with this one girl who made me feel like I'm her sidekick. Okay, maybe that's not nice, but, yeah. On the phone, she was the one talking while I was just listening. And making one or two comments. (Just for the record, this is not counted as backstabbing. I'm just stating on how stupid and lifeless I was, okay? Don't get offended if you happen to be.) But, she was my best friend. I guess, I couldn't blame her, right? I was also a person in denial. I don't think I need to explain that, do I?

And then, the fight.

Between me and my used-to-be-best-friend. She told me the whole story about her boyfriend being a jerk to her. Not being loyal and telling her big news about their relationship on a piece of paper as if it was a joke. She was cursing him so badly at that time, and I couldn't just stand there, hearing her cursing him, because he was also my friend. So, I did something. Something bad. I told her that she can't control somebody's heart, telling him not to like somebody and all that. If you were me, or somehow in that position I was in, you'd do things differently, am I right? Because you should. No matter how wrong that person is, if she/he is your best friend, you have to be on her side. If he/she is wrong, tell her the right thing, but still be on her side, okay? I took a wrong step at that flight of stairs, and just like that, I fell to the bottom. (I know, I'm crapping, aren't I? It makes sense, somehow.)

I read the back blog posts my used-to-be-best-friend wrote, back when we were fighting. And reading them back, I feel really guilty. Seriously, I was a bad person. Try reading them at her blog site, http://cookie-97.blogspot.com/2010_05_01_archive.html. And there's another one on one of the April posts. Don't mind reading the comments. They're crap, kinda. I can't even bear to read the blog posts till the end anymore.

I don't even recognize that person who she wrote about. Was that really me? Was I that bad of a person? Was I hurting more than one person? Was I really that pathetic? Was I even conscious at that time? Did I really do all that? See? Even I myself wouldn't wanna be near to that person, let alone be friends with her.

But then, before the fight, there were times when we had fun. Like the marching practices. The last few days were amazing. I made new friends, and I got along with them. I do sometimes feel guilty that, I was being unfair to my old ones. But we did had fun. And I didn't really know if they'd wanna join or not. Oh well. Can't change the past.

And, the Sports Day. That was fun. Only, I was mad at Lily, and complaining about her to Zafirah for the whole of the event. Sorry, Lily! Our marching squad got second place, so, I guess you could say that we were so happy, it was almost as we'd achieved VICTORY!

Then came.. Teacher's Day. Since 16th May landed on a Sunday, the celebration was on the 17th, which was also Haziq's birthday. We had to be in the hall to listen to teachers' speeches. But me and my friends ended up taking weird pictures instead. I gave him a game or something for his birthday. LOL. I remember that I keep bribing him with it. I was chasing Lutfil, because he hacked into my account, and I asked Haziq to help me. If he didn't, I'd take back the game. Haha, yeah. That day was still one of the days that I haven't changed to the person I am now. Turned out to be one of the best days of my life.

For the next few months, I received frowns from people I'd hurt. Those frowns made the pretty people they are, ugly. And I got mad. I don't know why, I just did. I didn't really know at who. At myself, or at those people for not letting it go. Truth is, I myself didn't let it go just yet. But of course, all I did was criticize, saying that people were this and that.

With the help of some of my closest friends, I turned out to be a good person. Or at least I thought I was. Well, I thought I was because I let it go already, I didn't care of what they think. Because I stopped doing all those things I did, but not because I became a nicer person. Because I wasn't. I still talked about those people. And as you can guess, no, I did not talk "good" about them.

That time, I still didn't care of my grades. It was all, whatever to me. For me (that time), it was weird to see everyone stressing out about them. They were like, "Omigosh, I'm gonna fail!!" I'd be thinking, "Who cares?" But I acted like I cared. You know, by saying stuff like they do. I guess, at that time, all I could think was, "I failed once. No way am I gonna succeed anytime soon." LOL, immaturity.

On the Saturday of the mid-terms break, I went with Raihah and Lily to do some charity work at Denai Alam or something. Turns out, Irina was there too. We helped... at first. But when we got along later on, we started to just sit and eat. Raihah made me try out the lamb, because I said I hated lamb. Lamb, with gravy sauce, turned out pretty good. LOL. But I prefer chicken. Then, we just walked here and there, view the horses at their stables, took pictures and well... I guess you could say we stopped helping. Hehe. Ice-creams (popsicles) were free, so we took as many as we can take. Sugar rush! We fooled around in this one room, while blowing balloons. Lots of them popped xD. Found a trampoline and played there for the rest of the event. We got sweaty, really. But it was so much fun! I so wish I could relive that day.

After a while, I found out that I got a little crush on Haziq. I thought about it, and it's like he's been in my heart since the day I got close to him. Explained all the heart beats and all that. I didn't wanna admit it, because, that time, he was known as the "Big Headed Alien". And it would be all weird, 'cause we were best friends and like... you know, weird. Just too weird. And I couldn't possibly tell him, right?

Later on, Shania told him that I was madly in love with him -.-''. So much for keeping secrets. You know what happened then.
My birthday came. I was thirteen. You'd think I'd have let go of my immaturity, right? But no, I wasn't ready. Hey, you can only be a kid once. And as long as you can be one, enjoy it. I don't wanna be like some of those mature people. They're so boring. All they do is criticize on fun games and say that we, immature kids can't do anything right. Okay, maybe not. But sometimes they do. And yeah, yeah, they do more than just that. Haha, then, there was that moment when Lisa wished me a Happy Birthday in that so-very-fake tone and I thought it ruined my whole birthday, when it didn't, really. I was just thinking it that way. I don't know. Now, I think, that time, her opinion still matters. Well, it still does. Everybody's do, just not as important as some people.

After my sister came back from UK, my maid left for the holidays. Two weeks without a maid is kinda hard. (Well, if you're a spoiled brat like me, that is.) I had to iron my clothes by myself and wash the dishes and make up the bed and all that. I didn't even wash my shoes for that week. Thank God they weren't THAT dirty. My sister was a lot of help, though. The older one. The younger one, I wish! The cooking part, we just went out on most nights, I think.

Raya came. Me and my family were in the UK for our holidays. Well, that and my dad had a little work over there. We spent the whole Raya there. So, as you may guess, I didn't get as much money. But it was fun, so it didn't really matter. We had an awesome (and cheap) apartment in London, which had a view of Hyde Park AND about 100 satellite channels! On Raya night, we had an "open house" at this one service apartment. It was amazing! And it was also last minute, so thank God. It wasn't much as an open house, just a little gathering with a few of my sister's friends and juniors and cousin. And his friends. I think that's all. We visited Edinburgh castle when we went to Scotland. The journey up the castle was fun. The castle was like any other castle in England. Same old, same old. But it was nice to see the crowns and dungeons and ballrooms and other castle parts. Then (or maybe before Scotland), we went to Newcastle. Newcastle was BEAUTIFUL! Lights everywhere at night. Bridges, buildings. WOW! And the fact that we stayed in Hilton made it an even better stay. And the rooms were overlooking the beautiful city. When we got back to London, it was just shopping all the way! We even shopped till we dropped!

My mom threw an open house for her staffs on one Saturday, and she said I could invite my friends to come also. When they came, it was loud and crazy. We even sprayed whipped cream on each other. I got whipped cream on my outer lips (?), which made me look like I have a beard. LOL. I am NOT showing you that picture. Too funny. The party lasted at about 11.30 PM. It was a fun night. There was even a fight between me and my sister. Yes, in front of all my friends that were there.

Finals were near. Even I, the one who never cared about any exams, cared. I studied my butt off. Well, with an hour of Facebook or two a day. Hehe. But seriously, I studied. Not lying this time! Okay, maaaaaybe I didn't really get EVERYTHING in my head, but who does? Along the way, I found out that some subjects, such as History and Agama are kind of fun subjects. The teachers just didn't know how to make it fun. Geography, well, the syllabus is all wrong. They should make it a little bit more fun. Nobody can learn while sleeping, can they? No matter how "mature" they are. Try and prove me wrong. I'd like to see SOMEBODY studying those books without yawning every now and then.

The exam wasn't really that hard. I mean, others were easier. Maybe 'cause I studied?

I had SO much plans for my holidays. Writing on my blog, chatting with friends, hanging out, putting pictures in albums, and so on. But then, it looked like the time wasn't enough for me. With all the homework and holiday trips. I had a couple of days with my cousin at their house. It was awesome! We played this and that, swam in the pool, and took lots of pictures. We tried one with the background, but it failed, so, too bad for us. I was kinda sad when I had to leave, 'cause it was so much fun, I didn't wanna go home just yet.

The trip to China wasn't really fun, as expected. I didn't even wanna go, but I would never pass a chance to be in an airplane. We were lucky. We got upgraded to business class on the plane to China. But I slept all the way, while my family members (including uncle and aunt and cousin) had Haagen Dazs for dessert :(. There was this steward who complimented me 'cause I read a book while the plane was taking off and did my homework after I woke up. He even gave me some muffins, 'cause I didn't eat. I like him. The food in China was good. Only some were bad. The first lunch we had was a disaster. I had a couple of the best nights there. I shared a room with my mom's student (they had a conference), and one night, we talked until 4 in the morning. It was amazing how we connected. In the other city, we went to the zoo and saw the panda. But it was dirty, so... But we did see it drink, poop and pee and eat the bamboo shoots. LOL.

And since the China trip, I've changed. ALL because of a book called, Life is an Open Secret: Think About It, by Zabrina A. Bakar. It held the most amazing secrets in life anyone could ever think of. You should read it. It may bring something to you.

So, as I said. 2010 is indescribable. There were times where it's good, and times where it's bad. But it has really been an AMAZING year. All thanks to these people, Raihah, the two Dinas, Izyan, Lily, Malik, Zafirah, Sonia, Sarah Nur Izzati, Jin Zhe, Haziq, Lutfil, Lily, Lisa, Hidayah, Taqi and Imran. And my teachers, of course. I know that only SOME of you might see this, but thanks for making my year. You guys are the best.

Personally, I don't think 2011 is gonna be as awesome as 2010, but then again, how am I supposed to know? Life is full of surprises, right? Just have to wait and see.

How Do You Know When You're Making the Right Decision?

Notice the question up there? Well, do you know? 'Cause I've been kinda having trouble making my own decisions :\. I know, pathetic. One should make one's own decision, right? 'Cause he/she knows him/her the best. I mean, asking somebody to make your decisions for you... it just makes you a failure. If you can't even make your own decisions, how qualified are you to achieve anything else? One simple task. And it's about you. If you can't do it, surely everything else you do will fail. Am I right?

Well, my problem is, I can make my own decisions. I just need somebody's points of view first, because, I'm an inexperienced person, and shouldn't people help people in need?
Yeah, thing is, I'm not somebody in need.
My mind just can't work out what I need to do. Or what I should do. Or what I want :\.
Pathetic, isn't it?

But a few minutes ago, just a few minutes ago, I wrote a message to my ex-best friend, apologizing about what I did to her for the last few months. Yes, I've wrote a blog post about that, but I don't think she'll read it. Who am I anyway? I mean, she's on a way higher level than I am.
I know, humans have the same level, but, in this case, I don't think so. I mean, who cares if you're rich and pretty? It's your values that counts, right? And do I have any of those?

Well, that message took a lot of courage. I've been thinking about that message for two or three days. I didn't have the courage at first, so I wrote it on my blog, you know, so, I can get courage? 'Cause, as my friend once told me, a blog is a public space. And if more people see how bad I was, and am (maybe), I can handle one person? But of course, she's on a higher level, and to reach on her level... well, let's just say, I'm not qualified.

Oh my God.
I just realized something. If I'm not qualified to be on her level, which is just a few steps onwards, how will I be qualified to enter Paradise? You know, the place we all wanna be in the Hereafter.

I just have to pray that my message was enough. Because, really, there's no going back.

Think about it. If you've walked until almost the end of your destination, but then, you chickened out, would you go all the way back? No, right?

Zabrina A. Bakar once told me a secret. It was to 'Aim and Strive' . And I should do that, because it's worth it. Even if she doesn't forgive me, right? It's worth it.

Whenever you're stuck in making a decision, a life-changing one, just give yourself time to think about it, and then, when you've made your decision, but at the last second, you chickened out, just tell yourself it's worth it. Or you know, just list the advantages and disadvantages. That's an easy way, right? But for me, I guess the, "It's worth it" thing works best.

Trust me, I didn't write this for fun. I didn't even know how to solve this problem at first, honest! I don't know how I got this far, and the answer to my question.

Oh wait, the answer! I'm sorry, I must have forgotten. Silly me!

Truth is, you can never know the answer. Because it's all in God's hands. Whatever happens to you is in His hands. You can't change that. Whatever decision you made, it's gonna happen anyway. And one more thing I learned from Zabrina's book is that, if you say, "If only I...." that's the devil speaking to you and it's a sin. I think. Point is, you can't change the fact what's already planned out for you in life. You don't know what's gonna happen to you in life later on. You don't even know if you're gonna live tomorrow, do you? So, yeah. You can never know the answer.

As my friend once said,

It's all a matter of time.

Hear Me Out

Lisa (or anybody I might have hurt these past few months or years or days or hours), if you happen to be reading this, I want to say something. I know, all of a sudden. But, actually, not really. It may be a long time already since we fought, but I'm still kind of feeling guilty about you not forgiving me. Even if you did, I don't really, you know.. Well, I think it's halfhearted. So, I'm guessing you're cursing me now? For saying things I don't know?

Okay, here goes...

I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry for not supporting you that time, after what you've gone through. After you went through all that trouble of picking up the phone and telling me the whole story, and I supported the opposing side, instead of you. I'm sorry. I know I should have supported you, because you were my best friend and he was just another person to me at that time. And from what I learn, friends should stick by friends, and I didn't do that. I did the other thing. I get it why you got mad at me. And then, after all that, I embarrassed you in front of a LOT of people. Even I'd get mad at myself if I were in your position. I'm sorry for that and everything else I did wrong to you. And for saying that you were snobby :\. Yeaaaaah, that one was a mistake, cause I didn't realize that if I didn't join the marching squad, I wouldn't have known her either. I guess I just wanted to fit in. You know, be more like you. You were like my role model. You were smart, talkative, not afraid to say what you feel, and all those things. I was like, your sidekick. The one to listen to your problems and tell you what I think, comments. Okay, so, I'm sorry for doing that. I was lifeless. I wanted a life, I guess. And, I'm sorry for backstabbing you, calling you names, laughing at you, etc. I was a REALLY BAD person. And I wanna change.

And I can't do that if you don't forgive me for real.

You see, I'm apologizing so much all of a sudden is because I read this one book; Life is an Open Secret: Think About It by Zabrina A. Bakar. She wrote what made me thought about you, "Ahmad Zarruq once said,

If you desire to live such that your religion is safe and your portion is full and your honor is sound, guard your tongue, and never mention another's faults, remembering that you, yourself, have faults and others have tongues."

And a story that goes with it, about a kindergarten teacher and her experiment. In that story, her experiment was about breaking an egg and asking her students to find a way put the eggshells back together.

And you know the answer, right?

You can't put back the eggshells together. So, yeah. Like I said, I can't take back what I said, so from now, I guess I should really control what I say. But I can apologize. And I did.

Here it goes again.

I'm sorry, Lisa, for doing all those things to you.

And again, this isn't just for Lisa, even though I only described what I did to her. This is for everybody that I've hurt for the past few whatever. I'm sorry. I might not know it, but there might be, so, I'm just apologizing. I'm sorry. I hope you'll forgive me.

For real this time, okay? If you don't want to, it's okay.

And I'd really like it if we're friends again. Not best friends. Just friends. I don't really fit in with you, if you haven't noticed. So.. What do you say? Friends?

Results :O

I got my results yesterday o.o. I raced downstairs, as soon as I heard my friend, Dina, got it. When I saw my name on the envelope, my heart skipped a beat. "AAAAAHHH!! RESULTSSSSS ! OMYGODOMYGODOMYGODDDD!!" It was the only thing I could process on my mind that time.My heart beating faster, I opened the envelope. I GOT A FREAKING NUMBER SIX ! WOOOOOTS!!!!! I HAVE IMPROVED SO MUCH!! AND NUMBER 51 IN THE WHOLE FORM! OMYGODDDDD!!!

I was amazed and proud of myself. Of course, I didn't do as good as Dina, but still, I WAS AWESOME! I've achieved A LOT. 7A's, 3B's, 2C's. That's average, right? Next year, I'm gonna try to get AT LEAST 8A's and no C's or D's or E's. I wanna try to beat Raihah or Dina or Double D. LOL. Before this, I was the least smart people in our group. Let's just say... I was the one who got the lowest marks in "the group". AND NOW I'M NOT ANYMOREEEEE ! Which is awesomeee! I used to get not more than 5A's, and now, it's 7A's, 3B's AND 2C's BABEYH! Life is just getting good for me.

I'm still lazy to do my homework, though.

But then, when I talked to Haziq that night, he said he got 5A's, a 3.09 GPA (mine's 3.58) but his number in the whole form is 36. I didn't get it. I mean, I got higher, shouldn't my number be higher than him? And his number is like, 15 higher than mine. AND HE GOT LOWER FOR GOD'S SAKES ! If it was like, 2 or something, then, that would probably be okay. Well, not really. But it's better than a FIFTEEN ! It's so unfair. His grades are lower, his GPA is lower, BUT HE GOT HIGHER THAN ME. I started to think that maybe the teachers were picking favorites, you know, since I'm in the upstairs class, and he's in one of the downstairs'. But that is unfair. They can't do that. Every student to them are supposed to be equal.

I told my mom. About the favorites thing and all, and she just said I was being silly. Well, something like that -.-''. Why won't people believe me?

I got all mad and complained at several people about it, but all they said was, "Maybe his A's are higher," or "The number doesn't matter, the A's matter," or "Just be thankful. At least you got number 51, right?" GOSH ! IT'S STILL SO UNFAIR ! But then, I realized, I couldn't do anything about it. How much I opposed, it's already been typed, and who am I to say anything about it? It's just, I don't know, I guess, not worth it? Maybe if it's gonna happen 3 or 4 more times, I'll complain :|.

Right now, I should just be thankful with my grades, even if it's not as good as anybody else's.

Horror Movies

Last night, at my cousin's (still there), I watched Saw III, with her by my side, playing Sims and occasionally watching with me. IT WAS DAMN SCARY, DUDES ! EVEN THE STARTING WAS LIKE HELL ! This guy, he woke up in a dark room, with blood, feet, intestines, and body parts scattered everywhere. He was locked up in a chain, and had to cut his foot to free himself. Like, WHAT THE HECK?!

The story was mainly about this woman and her husband. They were in a complicated situation in their marriage. This woman was kidnapped at the hospital she worked in, and this man? I don't know. The woman was required to help and old man, who was the person who set up the "game". He had a brain tumor, and his daughter and him refused to get him to the hospital. The daughter put something like a neck blower upper ? I don't know what it's called. But, when the old man's heart stop beating, she blows up. So, she HAD to help him. The husband, he was trapped in a box. He had get his way out and follow the instructions to get out of that place. The first stage was getting this naked woman, who was in an ice room out. She was one of the people who were there when his son died. Don't ask. I don't really get it. Anyway, she just stood there when his son died, so, this man, had to make a choice, whether to help her or something, I don't remember. When he got to help her, she was already dead. Yikes :|.

The second stage was when he met with this one guy, a lawyer, I think. He was trapped in an empty tank, which soon was filled with crushed pigs. EW! He had to choose between the guy or his son's belongings. He had to burn his son's belongings to get the key to save that man. IT WAS HORRIBLE ! I felt like I wanted to puke.

The last one was when he met with the guy who killed his son. That man died. I DON'T WANNA REMEMBER ANYMORE ! EVERYBODY DIED IN THE END ! DEAD, DEAD, DEAD ! Watch it for yourselves if you don't believe me. There was this one scene, where this woman's skin was ripped off :\. And this man, rings and chains were poked into his skin, and in order to get out, he had to pull them off. Ouch! There was even one in his chin.

Horror movies can really get you to scream at the top of your lungs. Violence is scary, but they don't haunt you. Ghosts. Ghosts haunts you. If you are a scaredy cat that is. Sometimes, even a show that was a few years ago still haunts me. I know, lame. Some people, they enjoy horror. I don't. But sometimes, it's good to watch them. It sorts of make you realize things. Like Saw, it made me realize that I don't wanna die just yet. And the hair pulling, punches, kicks, they are all just give minor injuries and you are not exactly tortured.