She Who Runs

Fear. It is a subject that is always present in you. It holds you back from doing things you want to do; it makes you weak. Fear. It's always here.

Sometimes it's just like I don't have anyone to talk to, you know. I mean, yes, I have you, whoever is reading this right now, but you know that feeling when you either don't want to talk to them or you're just afraid that if you talk to them, they'll judge you or get bored of you. I have never had that friend who I can tell absolutely everything to, from my happiest moments to the most miserable things. It has always been that I have this friend who I talk to about things like these, and this friend who I talk to about things like that. No one who I can sit with, staring at the world, and just enjoy the moment. Not like a boyfriend or anything, cause you know, boyfriends don't really last.. But a best friend. A real best friend.

It's times like these where I wish I had one of those friends I can tell anything to, because I am scared. I'm scared of her who never shows her feelings; I'm scared of her who wants things the way she wants; I'm scared of him who's way out of my league; I'm scared of her who never disappoints people and I'm scared of him who expresses absolutely nothing. It is this fear of disappointing people that I have, this fear of making them sad or angry. It's there and it doesn't go away and god, I just wish I have someone there to talk about it with.

But when I talk about myself, I fear that they're left out because when it's their turn to talk, I go away. What is the meaning of being a good friend if you do not listen to the other person's story? It doesn't  have to be a good friend, even a friend would give his/her ears for a minute in exchange. Ahh I don't know what I'm saying anymore I'm just so scared of people, it's like I can't stand up for myself, I can't say what I think I should say and I take advantage of those people who are there for me and I sniff the feet of those who who says, "forget about Amilah."

And now every time I think of what she did this morning, and what she said the other day, I get so angry I swear, I could be a fire burning dragon and burn a whole kingdom. If I could, I'd scream at her telling her what I really think of her and just end my relationship with her family. But her parents are good people and I can't just cut the relationship off like that to the people who have been nothing but kind to me. It's life that's the problem. We live in lies. Whatever we feel about one another, we lie. We don't ever say how we really think of them because even if you don't admit it, we are sensitive and we'd get hurt.

Fear is what holds you back.