I'm not saying that my other friends do, it's just that, they always have other points of view. Which, they all agree with each other at. It's like, when I write this, I'm wrong and I get blamed. When I get mad at somebody for making me feel like I'm a piece of crap, I'm wrong for feeling that way. What the hell am I supposed to feel then? Happy and cheerful all the time even when somebody makes me feel like I'm nothing but a crumpled piece of paper?
So what happened to me tonight was, I was telling my friend what I felt like. I mean, okay, let me tell you from the start. It was after school, about 4 PM or so, and we, me, Haziq, DD and Harris, had a conference in Yahoo Messenger. And, in that chat, Haziq was saying that I was gedik and annoying or something I forgot, but the gedik was there. He was saying it repeatedly. I kinda got annoyed and felt like I wanted to punch him. If I was so gedik , why is he still with me? If he'd break up with me, poof! All the gedikness, he doesn't have to worry about it anymore. I mean, enough is enough. And then, after a while, he said to ignore me. He told everyone, in CAPS to ignore me. Ignore what I say and all that. And it seemed so, so I just didn't reply in that conference. Nobody even realized, until DD asked, like, 20 minutes later. He didn't even care. Or at least, it seemed that way. In that chat, when I wasn't replying, he said he missed holding Aida's hand. Aida's a friend in school, one of his classmates last year. I mean, what the heck? It was like I wasn't there. Like I didn't matter. If it were to happen in real life, I pictured myself looking at him with sad eyes and I'd turn around, to sit in a corner so that he won't see me cry. But it didn't. So I just kept not replying and I held in my tears and continued my work on the organization chart for my class. A few minutes later, when he finally realized I wasn't replying, he told me that since I wasn't replying anything, he wanted to play his game again. I said okay, but I also told him that I didn't reply 'cause he said to ignore me. And then he scolded me, saying that he was just joking around or something. He apologized, but added a "=___=" face, which meant he wasn't really sincere. I couldn't help to cry. The tears just filled my eyes. I had to get away. I needed a bath. A long, hot one. Something to get my mind off of him. Something to make me not sad. Something.
And I did take a long, hot bath but it didn't work. I still couldn't take my mind off of him. I still felt sad. I still wanted to cry. I still wanted to punch him in the face for saying those stuff. I wanted to make him guilty. I wanted him to apologize sincerely, without all the "=_______=" and "=.=" and whatever other faces related.
I told a friend of mine about it. I told her everything. How I felt like I was a piece of crap. How he was being such an ass. How I felt like I didn't matter. How I thought I'm not worth it. But her reply was, "=.=". Yes, that was her reply. She said that she's annoyed with why I'm upset. She
said I shouldn't be getting mad at him. She told me that he was just fooling around. She said it's natural for boys his age to make people annoyed. She was making me sound like I'm so silly to be feeling like that. She sort of said he was right and that I was wrong. Sort of. Not in those words, but it kinda meant that way. But after that, she said none of us were right. And that she was just giving her point of view.
I'm sorry for being too sensitive and I know it sounds silly but I just can't help to cry. I stopped myself, really. But I don't know. I just can't stop. The tears just keeps on flowing and flowing. I could cry a river. It seems like I've no friend to count on, except maybe Shania and Nurin (my neighbour), but I don't wanna tell them any more of this, because I don't wanna be told that I'm wrong again. Especially not when the one thing I need right now is somebody to comfort me. But I feel so selfish when that happens.
And now I'm telling everybody my problem and I can't stop crying. How nice! Troubling people with my problems. I feel more pathetic than I already do. Maybe it's true. Maybe I should just apologize and not get mad at Haziq. It's not like it's really his fault, right? God, I don't know.
"I don't know what the secret to success is, but the secret to failure is to try and please everybody." - Adam Lambert
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