Meee

Who am I? Am I good? Am I evil? Am I shallow? Am I smart? I don't know how to judge myself actually. So, why don't you ? I'm going to write this post about me and I want to know how you judge me. Even if it's bad, I won't mind. I don't think so la, since I'm the one who asked to be judged. So, judge as badly as possible.

I do not succeed at anything. Seriously. I am not good at any subjects in school. I am just not interested in those stuff. Some people are interested in most of the subjects we learn in school, but not me. I don't really know the reason why. I just don't have interest in it. I always hear people say the key to success is to study or something but to me, the key to success is you have to be interested in the subjects or you have to want to be successful. Yes, I want to be successful but somehow, I don't work hard for it. Maybe I don't really want to be successful. But who doesn't want to be successful? That confuses me.

If there's one thing I'm good at, it's confusing myself. I will have problems at the end of the day that I refuse to talk to somebody about it and I'll find myself can't sleep at night thinking about that thing. And the bad thing is that, that thing haunts me for about a week or two. The only thing I tell the problems I'm facing to is empty papers that will soon turn out to be something full with ink. Although I know it won't answer me, I don't really mind. At least I get to express what my problems are. But knowing that I don't have any answers, it disappoints me sometimes. Actually, I know the solutions and stuff to some of my problems, I just don't want to listen to it 'cause I keep thinking that I'm wrong. And, when I do listen to my solutions, it always turns out wrong. So, I guess, I'm better off without an answer.

I am really not good with advices. I can't help my friends when they are in trouble although they help me all the time. That's just one favor I cannot return. Maybe because I think advices are stupid. Seriously, I can't follow advices. They just make me miserable. I know advices are soft, and calm and kind and supposed to help us, but for some reason, I can't get why they exist. If I do give advices, I'll give them harshly. It's the only way for me to understand it. Funny thing is, when I give advices, I don't see myself listening to it. I expect people to follow but I don't listen to it myself. Even if it's good.

I am not a nice person. I am very straight forward. But I learned to not talk bad about somebody. I still do though. In my head la. I can't talk about it aloud. Raihah or I, myself would scold me. So, rather than to hear somebody being right, I'd rather just not say anything and keep it in my head. I'm kind of really good at it now. I don't talk about anything. Even the good things. I just keep it by myself. It's not that I'm saying Raihah's a bad person and never talked bad about someone before, it's just that, what I want to say here is, Raihah's the one who helped me try not to talk bad about someone. Told me about the consequences and how I am worse than they are. Maybe she didn't tell me that. Maybe that's all in my head, but, seriously, it's not nice. So, I choose not to talk bad about people.

That reminds me ! I really can't keep a secret. If somebody told me a secret, I would definitely tell somebody. I can't stand keeping a secret from my best friends. If I do even, it would only be for a couple of days the most. But there are some things I keep to myself. Some things even my best friends don't know. Well, didn't. Raihah and Dina found out. Kind of. At least I kept it for more than a month. I think. Maybe. I hope so. Or was it for more than that? Is it? SEE?! Confusing myself!(Heh, everybody knows it NOW ! - Mon, 5/7)

I think I give up too easily. I mean, once I study/studied (not sure which one) and I get low marks, I declare that I'm not good at that subject and I won't try harder. I don't really know why. I mean, I know that if I just believe in myself and all that crap, I can get high marks but for some reason, I just have no hope or something. Honestly, I know the words, the advices and all that, I just refuse to believe in them. As I said, I think advices are stupid.

Somehow, I don't think I'm a good friend. I make a lot of mistakes. By that, I mean A LOT ! More than any human being who stood on Earth had ever made. And somehow, I think it just offends them or something. Like, when I ignore them 'cause I'm doing something. That makes me feel guilty. And then, when they laugh like mad and I'm concentrating on writing my journal, that makes me feel like I'm bad or something for not joining them. But I don't know la. I have my moods. I know, it's like, personal and not their problem but, sometimes, it's just like that. Sometimes, I feel left out. I mean, look at Dina and Raihah. They are geniuses. They're creative. They're pretty. They're just perfect! Even when I try my best to do something, theirs are always better. For once, I just want to beat them in something. But, nah. That wouldn't be right. And I couldn't anyway. They are just too perfect to be true. I'm surprise they're my best friends though.

I know I'm good at ONE thing ! That's remembering dates. Adilah's birthday, 19th January. Raihah's birthday, 24th March, Dina's birthday 17th December, Haziq's birthday, 17th May, Double D's birthday, 9th July and so on. Then, that 18th May. 16th June. 22nd June. 26th and 27th June. I don't know why. It just sticks to my head. My head is like a computer (with a really small memory card). When a good day comes 'round, the file is saved forever. But weirdly, when the teachers teach something, the file will be deleted in 10 seconds. Sheesh -.-'' Ala, but everybody can remember dates. It's a normal thing. So, it's not really a special thing or a thing I'm good at. Everyone can do it if they try.

I don't think so I'm good at anything. Seriously. I'm not good in BM nor am I good in Maths or English or Science or blah blah blah. I'm not good in being creative. I'm not good in making jokes. I'm not good in walking without tripping or kicking my shoes. I'm not good at making things work. I'm not even good in using forks and spoons when eating something complicated. I'm not good in pleasing people. I'm not good taking care of stuff. I'm not good in keeping my closet organized. I'm not good in keeping my study table neat. If I'm good at anything, it's just the negative stuffs like, making people mad, making people hate me, making something from being right to wrong and wasting money. Those are the only things I'm good at. I think. Well, by my point of view la.

Truthfully, I think I'm fake. Plastic. Sometimes I see myself around people. I'm like a lost puppy trying to act like I belong with a group of people. I don't know. I can't be myself around people sometimes. I get nervous. I always think that they might not like me and stuff. And I know I'll only make it worse by acting like I'm somebody else, but I don't know!!!!!! Some people might have noticed it and some people might not. Well, that was then, but now, it's different a bit. I don't feel the need to be fake. I think it's because the longer you hang with a group of people, even if you're a bitch to them, you get to know them. And some people, they just say 'yes' to everyone. Not choosy la I mean. Specifically, I'm referring to Dina, Raihah and the others in their group and Hidayah and hers. But there is somewhere when I see myself as a real person. It's when I write. Either in my journal, my blog or on papers. Well, it only happens when I write about stuff that comes randomly on my mind la, not the essays teachers ask to do.

I realize that I'm not good at writing as the others are but at least I try. I know my handwriting is not neat and nice but I'm trying to make it better by writing more. Not on the computer la, on real papers. I always have something to write about. I just have some visions in my head sometimes. And I know what I write is not nice, but I only do it to entertain myself, so, who can judge? I know I will never be as good as Enid Blyton or Jean Ure, but I don't mind. At least I can write about something. I'm thinking about being a writer when I grow up. But only if it's good. Which I don't think so ! 'Cause I am not good at anything !

For some reason, I always have something to debate on. It's not really debate la, just that, I always have a disagreement on something. Like birthdays, you don't ask a person to buy you something. It's that person's decision if they want to buy you a present or not. And the present should not be about how much it costs, it's the thought that counts. Let's say someone buys you a set of stationery, you can't scold them that they bought a cheap present for you. At least that person remembered. And, it's better to have something than to have nothing at all. Enough about birthdays. What about guys? You don't like girls because they're hot. You like them because .. well, I don't really know why, but I know it should not be because they are hot. What if you really like this girl, but she's not hot? What would you do? Just spare your feelings and search for hot girls? Wow, what nice guys. -.-''

When I'm bored, I do weird stuffs. The other day, I dissected a liquid paper bottle or whatever you call it. Then I observed it, and put a cotton bud in it and shook it to see if the thingy inside it still sounds. LOL ! So dumb. Of course it does xD. Well, the crazy things I do when I'm bored is indescribable(I like this word). If I don't do other crazy stuff like that, I just spam my best friend, Dina's wall on facebook. It's as if I'm talking to someone, but I'm just talking to myself, with someone to hear me. I write about weird stuffs. She usually just ignores it or maybe she reads it but just leave it. I don't know ! All I know is that when I spam her wall, it will be more than 10. Sometimes, I flood her whole page. But she manages to flood it back by her statuses !!! No fair :(. My work is not appreciated. HAHAHAHA ! Sorry, I'm crazy right now.

By appearance, I don't think I look good but some people say I look pretty and cute and all that. Why do they say that? When I look in the mirror, I see an image of a lost girl. I don't know where I am or who I am. I mean, I know that I'm standing on Earth and what my name is, it's just that, uhh... You know what I mean. Everyday, I see pretty girls in front of my eyes. I wonder if someday I'd look like them. But nah, I should be grateful of how I look like and anyway, appearances doesn't really matter to me. It's how you are inside that counts. Well, that is to me.

I have a habit of thinking negatively. I'm sorry ! My mind is just negative. And I can't try to think positive because every time I do that, bad things just keep on happening. So, to me, it's better to just think negatively since everything is gonna turn out bad anyway. No, I do not know how the future would turn out, but it usually turns out badly for me. Sometimes, what you predict doesn't really come out the way you thought it would. But I'm still not gonna change my habit about thinking negative though.

Honestly, I'd know if somebody talks bad about me. I just got the feeling somebody is. Those pretty girls from the downstairs classes, I know they talk about me. Although they say it's just a waste of their time and I'm not worth it and stuff, they still do. Maybe not all the time, but once in awhile, a topic about me would come up. I just know it. Even if they deny it, which they always do, it still happened. I can't blame them. Even I talk about them sometimes. But there is a difference. I don't curse them. Yeah, I talk bad about them, but it's not like I say "Ish, look at that girl. She's such a bitch." I just can't seem to say something that harsh. I know they do it. Probably 'cause to them, those words are just words and don't mean anything. But to me, those words are harsh and only meant for the people who deserves it. Maybe on a lot of other stuffs, I don't choose my words carefully, but on this topic, words describe everything. So, I choose my words carefully when I talk bad about someone.

I am really NOT good at making conversation. I can't seem to talk about something with strangers. Well, not only strangers, sometimes even with my closest friends. I'm glad they have big mouths. They always keep me company when I'm bored. Sometimes, I don't really communicate with them, as I wrote above (scroll up :P) . Well, as I see it, they are closer to each other than they are to me. But, me and one of them have our moments or something like that. Usually I talk with Raihah on the phone for like, 20 minutes at least. Somehow, the topics keep changing. And it's fun !

I do not like t-shirts. They seem ugly. I think t-shirts are ridiculous. I mean, you buy something for 20 bucks with a picture of something on it. I do admit they look good on most people. I just can't seem to fit with the t-shirts. I can never get caught in public wearing a t-shirt. Except for times that I have to. Honestly, I only have about 5 pieces of t-shirts in my closet. I know, so little. Most of the people I know, their closet is full of t-shirts. I guess I just like blouses more. Don't get me wrong here. I'm not telling people to not wear t-shirts. I just don't like them on ME.

I can't see my friends sad. I'll get sad. The other day, when Dina turned emotional for more than an hour, I cried a bit. I can't stand seeing my friends sad. Especially when they don't want to talk to me. Not that I'm saying people should talk to me if they have problems or anything, but if one of my best friends are sad about something and they don't say even a word to me, I'll get really sad and mad and I'll feel guilty. I don't know why. It just happened naturally. Once, Raihah got mad at me, I stayed up until 1 a.m. making a card for her saying "I'm sorry". I gotta tell you, it wasn't just simply "I'm sorry", I made a whole speech for something I got her mad at. That might seem ridiculous, but I couldn't sleep thinking she was mad at me for something I did wrong. The only person I didn't care about enough to make a card or a speech to was Lisa. I know I wrote a blog post about her, but, to tell you the truth, I only did that 'cause my sister asked me to or said something that made me do it.

Branded items. I hate them. I think they are just a waste of money. Though, I do have them. But not as much as SOME people. Some people I know have their closet full of branded clothes, a rack full of designer shoes and all those stuff. Sometimes I wonder where they got all the money from. I guess they are just rich. Or maybe they save their money, and buy all those branded stuffs just to fit in with the ultra-mega-rich-and-popular group. I don't know these stuffs 'cause I'm not one of them and will never be. Not that I'm saying I hang with lame people who are poor. Nobody is like that. That title is just too harsh. My friends are rich, but somehow, they just don't show it. Well, some of them. All I know is that, my friends looove crocs. That, I can't get. Crocs to me, are really light shoes with striking colors.

Songs ! I don't like rap or rock. But these days, the rap kind of songs are mixed with pop or whatever the genre is. Those rap songs are just too unpleasant to hear. For my ears. I know, I'm weird and SO not in the In-zone. I don't really mind. I like what I like and I dislike what I dislike. I think when I dislike something, I dislike it forever. Well, SOME things. I just... I don't know. My taste is weird. In everything. Music, fashion, food. *shrug*

So, have I covered everything ? Yeah, I think I have. Except for that thing... but I'm NOT gonna write about it. Anyway, judge me twice. Before you read this and after you read it. Seriously, just do it. It's up to you to say that I'm a tooooooot or this or that. It's your judgment and I just got to accept what people think of me. Hope you enjoyed reading about boring me ! :D BYEEEEEE PEOPLE !! I will never look at this post ever again !!! It suckssssssss ! :P

P/S: There might be some English errors in this post. I edited some of them, then I got sleepy and felt lazy to read more of them and add more stuffs. So, just ignore those errors.

P/S/S: I SUCK !!!!!!!! Seriously, I do.

P/S/S/S: I hate the starting but I'm not gonna change it because I don't know what to write. I'm not good with the starting ! But there MUST be one, so, IGNORE !

I love all you people who takes the chance to judge me honestly. *Say it in gedik-tone*
I'm sleepy. It's 12.05 a.m. already. Good night and good bye !