That night, he told me what I did was wrong. I wonder if he was aware that he was just reflecting himself. He said when people teased me, I'd be all over, getting revenge, but if it's vice versa, people would just keep quiet and let it go. I've called him names, offending names, since the starting of last year, if you must know. And yeah, I guess he's finally shoot the cork out of the bottle. Then came other stuff, like we never really talked like normal people and that I should be more like my friend, DD, 'cause she's a MUCH better person than I am. Honestly, I agree with him. But, I just couldn't get my mind off on how he could compare me to someone else. I mean, when you're in love with someone, you don't look at other people and you don't look at your lover as a person who belongs in the Witty Committee. Made me think if he was really in love with me or not.
At one point, he got so mad that I reflected every word he said to me to him, he just said he didn't care anymore and that I was allowed to do whatever I want and he'll do whatever he wants. He said goodbye and signed out. Just like that. I felt my heart breaking, so I just said, "Wouldn't it be better if we're not in a relationship at all?" I know, he won't see it, but, I just really needed to say that. I couldn't live any more second, being with a guy who said he didn't care a bit about me. I mean, I know, it sounds so freaking needy, but you try. Being in love with someone who doesn't care about you at all. Knowing that he'd never go on Yahoo Messenger, I messaged him on Facebook instead. Knowing him, he'd read it, 'cause he goes on Facebook everyday.
On Monday, 4th of April, Shania told me he wasn't really in love with me in the first place. She told me, from an unknown source, that Haziq didn't have feelings for me. She said he said that Haziq could have developed the feelings, but with me teasing him all day long, he didn't. But Shania said that guy just guessed it out of Haziq. So, it could just have been a false estimation. I walked down the stairs, from my English class, to get back to my class and coincidentally, Haziq was there. So, I asked if I could talk to him privately. Serious talk, no jokes. I wanted to ask him that question, the question about if it was true that he never liked me. At all.
I didn't get to talk to him till today. I mean, in private and in person. But by today, I didn't really wanna ask him that question. Because, either way, I'd be sad. If he'd say no, I'd be sad that our relationship was a lie. The times he'd kiss me, the time I kissed him. The times we held hands, the times I put my head on his shoulder, the times he carried me in his arms. All the words he'd spoken. All of that was a lie. Thinking of that will just bring tears to my eyes. If it was all a lie, it's like, everything wasn't worth it. He was not worth it. I don't wanna regret our relationship. I don't wanna regret ever loving him. If he'd say that he did love me, I'd be sad 'cause, DD said he doesn't wanna get back together. I'm not saying that's what I want. But it's just that, it makes me think of how much of a sad case I really am. It's like I'm so freaking hard to talk to and all.
I did ask him. He answered, yes, he did love me. 'Cause if he didn't, he won't do all those stuff. I started to smile, 'cause at that moment, I was glad that was what he answered. But when I got back home, I started to think again. I feel so stupid, for acting like we're still together. It's over, Amilah. Stop it. My mind keeps saying that, but I just can't help it. Whenever he's mad, I keep going to him. I keep feeling that I need to do something to make him feel better, when all I do is annoy him more. I think I do, I don't know. But I just get this feeling, you know? I keep coming near him, like he still likes my company, when I don't even know if he does anymore. Like, how pathetic is that? It's over and I'm still acting like we're still together.
And you know what's worse? I still wait for him to go online. I still check my phone every time I get the chance to see if by some miracle, he text messaged me something like, "I miss you" or "I'm sorry" or whatever that's meaningful. I still look at the upstairs balcony to see his face in the morning. I still think of kissing him. I still think of going out to movies with him (with other friends). I still wish that one day, he'd come to me, and tell me that he's sorry and that he wants me back and that he'll try to do whatever he can to make me happy. And the parts that suck the most?
- There is no point.
- He doesn't ever text me first. Especially not after the break up.
- He doesn't look at me back. So, it's stupid.
- I will never get the chance.
- Not like we'll do anything like cuddle or whatever.
- If I put my head in reality, it's never gonna happen, because I think he meant it this time that it's over and he's freaking mad at me for some reason.
It's been the longest winter without you
I didn't know where to turn to
See somehow I can't forget you
After all that we've been through
Going coming
thought I heard a knock
Who's there no one
Thinking that I deserve it
Now I realize that I really didn't know
If you didn't notice you mean everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'm gonna be OK
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time
I couldn't turn on the TV
Without something there to remind me
Was it all that easy
To just put aside your feelings
Except for that I'm learning to love again. Because honestly, after all this, I think I've learned my lesson. Boys are too immature in this lovey-dovey stuff to really understand how girls feel. I'm not finished yet, so hold your horses. Girls get emotional to fast, before anything even happens. I'm not talking about ALL boys and girls. Just, most of them. You know why they say that men and from Mars and women are from Venus? From my point of view, it's 'cause they just don't mix. There is, of course, one person for each of one, but let's just say, even they who have each other have problems. Except, of course, if you're one of those people who NEVER gets mad or sad or annoyed or whatever. Back to the point, boys just don't get girls. Again, I'm talking about most boys and girls, okay? So, if you're not one of them, don't get offended.
Okay, here are some fake names which I'm gonna use as examples LOL. When this one couple breaks up, and this guy, uh, Ben, still have feelings for that girl, Casey, he doesn't try to get her back. Instead, Ben just acts like nothing's happened, 'cause he sees her smiling, when actually, she's feeling like her whole world had died. Ben doesn't do anything, 'cause he thinks that Casey doesn't want him back. He's scared of getting turned down and making a fool out of himself. And then he starts thinking negatively. It's never gonna work out. He starts thinking that she doesn't love him back and all those stuff, which I don't really know, 'cause I'm not exactly a guy.
And here's the problem with Casey (P.S. I'm just talking about AFTER they break up, 'cause I'm in no mood to talk about happy relationships). She's just too sad, that she tells every single person she sees what happened to her, but in front of Ben, she acts as if she's okay. And then, she expects him to do this and that, and when he doesn't, 'cause of what I said just now, she'd be sadder than she already is, thinking that he doesn't love her anymore. Since she's put this on her mind, she straight away makes her decision to get over him. And for some silly girls like me, they just give up on boys. And when she tries to get over him, it gets worse. 'Cause she'd be thinking back on the days they were still together, cause in her mind, it'd be, "get over him, get over him," which makes her think of him more. After days that this happens, she'd forget to eat and to sleep. She'd cry all day, before she could convince herself to really get over him. And when she does get over him, she won't have any friends to have fun with 'cause they're all gone, afraid she'd fill them in with more sad news, and then, she'd be depressed about a whole different thing!
Okay, I totally just got this post into a different topic. But actually, talking about Ben and Casey, if they are even alive, kinda helps me. I mean, like, to put myself in Haziq's position, like DD always tells me so. And to just get over Haziq. I mean, yeah, it'll be hard, but I just have to convince myself to let it go, 'cause there is no hope. Honestly, even if we do get back together, I doubt it'll last, 'cause as my friend once told me, things in high school NEVER lasts. Especially with these relationship things.
I guess I need some time away from Haziq. Maybe I'll avoid seeing him. I wish 22nd April would come sooner. That way, I can live a whole 10 days without seeing him. I know there's a saying, Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but maybe if I don't see him, he won't come in my mind? Just maybe.
I pray to Allah, to tell me how to feel. I didn't really ask for me to get over Haziq. And honestly, whenever I ask for that, actually I wanna say that I don't wanna let him go. Actually, I was thinking of wanting to love him for a longer period. I don't pray for him to have the same feelings back, though. I don't know. Maybe this is a sign. I've made so many sins when I was with him, so it's for the best that we broke up. Maybe.
Whatever it is, I still have my fantasy. And if people wanna judge me, saying that even though we broke up, I still think of him in my fantasy world, then I don't care. 'Cause honestly, it's my brain, and I can fantasize all I want. There's nothing wrong with it, as long as I don't make it reality.
When I think about it all over again, the solution is simple, really. I act as if nothing's happened, and act normal, cheerful and all, and then, when he's near, just don't give a damn, even if I get sad like crazy. I should not let it take over the whole me. He's just a guy. I should just think of it like that. And if it doesn't get better by tomorrow, then, okay. I have to tell myself that these things take time. And I'm not the only one in the world going through it. If there really are no one else, there's him. He's going through the break up thing himself. Thing is, I'm never really alone, in anything. About the can't-eat-can't-sleep thing, I just gotta make myself tempted by the food on the table, and for sleeping? Just close my eyes and count to ten. However it is, I'm still gonna sleep, when I'm really really tired.
Now, my problem is, I just hope that I can convince myself to be the person I stated above tomorrow and the days to come. If I can get through tomorrow, I can get through Friday and so on. Just, get your head in the game. Don't take life so seriously.
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