Solution: Whatever

For the past few days, I've been convincing myself to not care about what other people think about. I was training myself to think of myself first. My happiness before others'. And it worked. At least for the first 50 hours. And then... things happened.

Lemme tell you the whole story. It'll be easier. *Clears Throat* The story began, on a normal Thursday night....

Me and my friends had some sort of fight. Well, not really. More like, a misunderstanding. I was being a bitch at school for three whole days to a friend of mine, but she didn't look like she cared much, so I continued doing so. On Thursday evening, at 1817hours, a guy called me, telling me that the girl I teased so badly cried, and complained to him about her life (and he asked me for another guy's number, because this other guy did something bad on Faceboook).

I felt guilty. I went on Facebook, and apologized to her, but nothing happened. Before I knew it, she deleted me from her friends list on Facebook. My heart dropped, my legs froze and my eyes watered. The world seemed like it was moving so fast. I couldn't process anything in my mind. But then, after a few minutes, something unusual happened. I didn't feel like I care. I didn't feel the need to go call her and apologize until she'd take me back. I just didn't.

The next day, when I saw her, (she added me back on Fb and told me to forget about it) I asked if she was okay, and she didn't reply. She was just staring straight with a bored expression, so I left. On my mind, I was saying "whatever" repeatedly. My solution was simple. If she didn't wanna talk to me, I won't talk to her. If she didn't wanna look at me, I won't look at her. It's a simple solution. I didn't wanna waste my breath on someone who won't even consider looking at me.

But then, in class, after the whole situation with the girl (can we call her Jamie?) I talked about, my other friend (let's call her Lola) was being a bitch to me. Maybe it was a cycle, like the secret-cycle I talked about on my last post. Because I was such a bitch to the first girl, Lola was replaying my role. I finally understood how Jamie felt. Lola was teasing me, continuously, that I liked this one guy (Jack?). Everything word I said, she'd relate it to Jack. She'd be, "Oooh, you must want Jaaaaaaaack with youu," or something like that. She did it so often, that at one point, I got so annoyed, I shouted her name and asked her to stop it, but Lola didn't give a damn. She didn't even hear what I said.

On the way back home, another friend of mine (Mind if I call her Sara?) talked to be about what happened. Sara said that it's my fault. I shouldn't have shouted in class to Lola, because everybody stared. I should have talked to her slowly, in a serious manner, so she'd listen. But when I told her that Lola wouldn't listen even though I tell her in a slow, serious manner, Sara said I haven't even tried. HECK YEAH I TRIED ! I asked Lola if she wanted to cycle in the evening in the middle of the chaotic situation in class, but all she did was poked her fingers in her ears and showed me this, >:P! How's that for talking to her in a serious manner, huh? I told Sara I was mad at Lola, and guess what Sara told me.

Yes, she told me not to get mad at Lola, but guess who she told me I should be mad at.

Right again! Myself.

WHATTHEFREAKINGHELLDIDIDOWRONG?!

First, Lola told my secret to Sara, which I didn't want Sara to know, 'cause she'd judge me, ever so badly. Second, Lola started the "Amilah <3 Jack" reply when I just said "HOI". AND THIRD, LOLA teased me, in the loudest voice possible, that I'm freaking in love with Jack, which I totally am NOT! THAT'S ONE, TWO, THREE STRIKES, ALL ON LOLA !

And what do I get?

Yes, I get blamed for everything. I had to be mad at myself, for telling Lola off, because I was so pissed at her. I had to go to Lola, in a serious manner, telling her to knock it off, seriously, because I haven't tried. Because I always jump into conclusion before anything happened.

Sara Bareilles said, in her song, King of Anything,

Who cares if you disagree?
You are not me!
Who made you King of Anything?
You dare tell me who to be!
Who died and made you King of Anything?

But on Saturday night, when I asked a friend of mine, "Who cared if you disagree?", he answered that I do. I care.

And surprisingly, he was right.

So, solution whatever never really happened. It was just a world I lived in my mind.

Honestly speaking, I can never put myself in front of other people. My life has always revolved around people being happy, because of me. My life has always been about making people happy. Even if it means putting my feelings aside. Because truth is, nobody cares what you feel like. People will always be selfish, even you and me.

HONESTLY, do you really think people would ask you what you wanna do? Do you really think people would let you decide what to do and all that, if it's not beneficial to them? If they let you decide on what to do, they'd expect you make the decision on making their lives better. So, point is, never wait for people to let you decide, because it never will happen. The words, "you decide," might be heard, but you'll never really decide.

I might be wrong, for all I am is human. I've only lived a decade of my life, so, I don't really know much, but from my experience, that is how people have been treating me.

They never ask for what I want. They never think if I like to do what things and what not. Of course, not all people are like this. But most of whom I've met. Even myself, I admit.

Solution whatever will never exist.

Try listening to King of Anything by Sara Bareilles.

I think we are living in selfish times. I'm the first one to say that I'm the most selfish. We live in the so-called 'first world,' and we may be first in a lot of things like technology, but we are behind in empathy.
Javier Bardem

Thank you, Zafirah,
for making me realize
that there's no one in
this world who isn't
selfish in a way.