My Best Friend, My Love.

Assalamualaikum and Bismillahirrahmanirrahim :)

Each year we learn something new. We grow up, it's normal. No, I'm not writing my end year post yet, I'm not sure if I will either, but I most likely will post it. There's still a chance it's a no >.> Anyway, in our teen years, we will have crushes on people our age or older or younger than us. Except you know, for those people who's imaan is so high, that they do not look at boys or girls; they only look for Allah's forgiveness. InsyaAllah I'll be like that one day.

Teens are most likely to fall in love with people they know, mostly, their best friends. I've fallen in love with my best friend. Make that, best friends. First one was Haziq and that was... I don't really know what to say, the more I think about it, the more I think it was lame. And boring. If you are, by any chance, reading this, Haziq, I'm sorry, but all we did was chat. In real life, we didn't talk much. Barely looked at each other. Although I had to admit, it was real, I felt it.

The second one, now, he was special. And I mean, really special. I wrote my first poem about him. If you call it a "poem". He was, out of this world. Extraordinary. Wonderful. Brings me to life. He really taught me a lot. What real music is like, how we should not really care what other people say, live in our own world. Things like that. Maybe I'm exaggerating, maybe it's not even true that he taught me these things, but the person I became after meeting him, is the person I like better than the one before.

In just one week. One week could mean so much, can you believe that? And because of that one week, I had been in love with him for months, until now. Okay, I don't know if it was love, but I like that word, so I used it >.> It could have just been a like, a crush, not love. Love is such a big word D: Anyway, I stopped for a while, for this guy who I know nothing about, but let's not get to that. But that guy, the one week guy, he kept being in my head, scene after scene, he acted as a lead in the soap opera in my mind, what was going on?

Hours passed, I don't remember what day it was, I was in London, from Bristol, a long car ride. I remember I had no appetite that night, but I ate. Nor did I the next morning, and to top it off, I didn't get to see my friend, Dina, who was also in London at the time, but that's another story. 'Had I fallen back for him? What should I do? Just, stop being friends with him?' Those were the thoughts that spun in my head.

Then I realized, I dated Haziq for 9 months and I was sure he was the love of my life (well, not really), but he wasn't. Which goes to show, what I felt wasn't gonna last. It didn't last then, it's not gonna last till I'm an adult. Why should I risk my friendship for that? If I did stop being friends with him, however I planned it in my head, I'm gonna lose a great friend. or at least, a friend >.> And I might regret it forever and ever. It'd be better if I just stop thinking about it, right?

Still, whatever's to happen, it's gonna happen, InsyaAllah.

Was I There?

Sometimes I just feel like I'm not on earth. I'm there, but I'm not there. As if I was somewhere else, but I can still see, I can still touch, taste, smell, talk. I could do everything, I can control myself, it's just that, it's weird, like I'm too tired or something. Not that I just got it recently, it has been a while, but usually I'd just ignore it.

The other day, when I had my first pizza in Italy, I kept denying that I was feeling like that. I kept thinking that the pizza was so good that it was as if I was floating on clouds, which was why I felt like that. I mean, that'd make sense, right? And then it happens again and again, even when I'm not eating. I began to think something was wrong with me, as if I was possessed, but wasn't fully possessed. I even thought if I was dying, but of course not, if I were to die, it wouldn't be like that, I don't think so at least.

Perhaps there was something bothering my mind that led me to not be on earth, but yet, I was still walking on earth's grounds. But what? Now, two weeks later, I haven't gotten that feeling at all. Just then, that week in Italy. And maybe some other times before that.

I don't even know why I'm writing about this, it's 4:20 a.m. in the morning and I'm still not asleep because of the jet lag, and now I'm writing about something that's so irrelevant it couldn't possibly get any weirder. Woah, weird, in my head, when I wrote that sentence, I talked like King Arthur from Merlin .__. I think I've been watching too much Merlin. I just hope I don't talk like the people from that show.

Anyway, I'm gonna go write in my diary, or play sims or plants vs. zombies or something. Being on the internet is no fun, no one's online :( Except for people I don't normally talk to. Meh. Personally, I like typing more than writing, hurts my hand.

The Impudent Child

I hate my sister. I am serious here, I mean, she's impossible. I don't know if I'll ever take back the words, but if I do, lucky her. It's like, when I'm near here, I can't stand it! I no longer remember that I have to be patient, I no longer remember that torturing is a sin, nothing. It's as if she brings the devil out of me. My level of patience with her has gone beyond it. These are the times I wish she was never born. But then I know I wouldn't like that, cause I've been the older sister for 14 and a half years already.

Like this morning, she didn't wanna wake up for school! And for the next two weeks, she's not even gonna attend school! I mean like, what the f-? -.-' Who the heck does not wake up after being yelled at, or hit, OR splashed by a pool of water? The thing is, if she didn't wanna go to school because of she's sick, it's okay. But then that's not the reason! It's probably cause she has an assessment or that she's jealous of me for having my holiday or because she didn't get to go to my cousin's house, who is her best friend, last night. Hadn't she had enough of playing?

Now I'm the bad guy 'cause I pulled her legs and dragged her to the bathroom. My maid came to me and shouted, "If someone does that to you, would YOU like it?!" And I'm like, of course not, but who asked her to not wake up? And who could have not woken up after being dragged? She's just playing, I know she's awake. As tired as someone would be, she or he would have woken up after being splashed by water. Right?

Oh whatever. I don't even know why I'm caring so much that she doesn't go to school. So what? It's her, not me. And you know what, I've probably said this before but, I just won't talk to her anymore? It would so prevent me from getting mad and getting another sin. It would make it easier, it would make life way easier. Besides, I've got friends. When I'm not chatting or anything, I could do other stuff, I've got loads, I don't even talk to my sister most of the time, why start now?

I know how it's gonna be already. When my mom gets home from Vietnam, my maid will tell her how much I tortured my little sister, dragging her here and there, hitting her and splashing her with water, and then my mom will go all scolding me saying that I'm bad and everything. Here's what I think of my sister: She's a ten year old brat, who gets too much of the things she wants which made her an undisciplined, irresponsible impudent child. I don't care that she's only ten years old. She has proved that she is smarter than a ten year old kid, why can't she act like one?

And oh look, my day hasn't even started yet, and it's already ruined, how awesome is that? -.-'

The Beauty Can Only Be Seen To Those Who Believe

Bismillahirahmanirrahim, in the name of God, the Merciful.

When I heard my friend, Syafiq, perform the Azan for Zohor prayers today, I was so shocked, because I didn't even think that a student, someone I know would perform it. And he did it so beautifully that when I knew it was him, I was speechless. Completely, utterly speechless. I had no words. Nothing came to my mind, except how it had never came to me that sometimes, the people I know, can do things that I can't imagine them doing so.

This world is beautiful. Open your eyes, see what has been created for us, SubhanAllah. The green grass and trees, the colorful flowers, the blue sky, the white clouds. Do you not see how beautifully designed this world was, just for us? How incredible is it, that no man can ever compete with what Allah has made. That's how powerful our God is. And if you see Islam from the point that I see it, you will see that it's the most beautiful religion. I don't know what other words to use, it's just, beautiful.

How Islam makes paying the Zakat a must, to help the poor. It's a thing that's compulsory for one to give, and it makes others happy too, to enjoy the food and drinks that they cannot afford, to buy clothes so they could cover up, to pay for where they would stay so that they would be protected from the coldness of rainstorms and the hotness of the sunlight. To give alms, to help people who have been given a disastrous event, like an earthquake or the Tsunami, no matter if they are in the third world or second or first.

And how we must respect our parents, so that when they are old, we do not put them in a retirement home and take all what they've worked for us. We must love them and cherish them until the day when Allah has decided to take away their life so they would get a rest from the world and back to Him. I mean, don't you see how this religion makes us love one another as much as or more than we love ourselves?

And when you pray or read the Quran, you'll feel so light, like a weight has been lifted from you so you'll have less burden to carry. It gives you peace, tranquility. It's kind of what Islam is about. Islam is about peace, living in peace, and away from war and disharmony. This is what I learned today, that when you wake up in the middle of the night to perform Tahajjud, and you cry when you recite your doa, one tear will erase a part of hell. It's so amazing, how a single tear, waste water from your body can erase a place so awful, that no one wants to be in.

I don't know much about these things, but I would like to learn more. It's interesting and the more I understand about it, the more I realize how amazing it is. I could write day and night about this beautiful thing we call Islam, and I could never finish it, or have enough words, because it's just, I can't describe it. One must go through it to know what it feels like. I hope it's not just a phase that I'm going through, for I wish to be in Jannah (heaven) more than anything. I read on Tumblr, Lisa told me also, that the value of this world is if you dip your finger in the ocean and take it out, what's left. That's the value of the world. The rest that you left, that's the value of the Hereafter. So you see, compared to the Hereafter, this world is nothing. We do good deeds, we donate to charity, we help people, we do ALL that for the Hereafter.

You know how the human mind has limitations? How we can't imagine the jinns and angels and the Paradise Allah s.w.t. has made for those who believe and worship him. Imagine the most beautiful scenery in this world, the best place you've ever been to in this world that we set foot on, imagine all the amazing things. And you say, "SubhanAllah, I've never seen a place so beautiful," but Paradise is like, millions and millions of times more beautiful that what we see on Earth. In Paradise, there will be rivers flowing with wine, and I don't really know, I can't imagine how big and beautiful and amazing that place is. I pray to Allah every chance I get that I'll be one of those who are in the right path, in His path, the one that leads to Jannah.

Then you imagine Hell. Hell is fire. When you touch a hot frying pan, your fingers would be burned. Imagine being in Hell, where those who don't cover up would be hanging upside down, and under them would be hot boiling water, and their brains would be like, I don't know how to explain it, really. It's just too bad to even describe, to explain. Or for some, they'd bang heavy rocks on their heads over and over and over again, because of something they didn't do in the world, like praying or other good deeds. And you won't stop! You're doing it to yourself, and you're not gonna stop, until all your sins have been erased. One minute in Hell must feel like ten thousand years, because you'll just be hurt. This is what Lisa told me, if you ask for a break, even for 5 minutes, it will add more, your sufferings would be added. Ya Allah, please keep me, my parents, my family, my friends and teachers away from this horrible place, show us the right path.

There's a verse in Surah Al-Baqarah that says, there are people who says that the Muslims are blind, deaf and dumb, but who is it, really, that are blind, deaf, and dumb? They do not see what has been made for us, the miracles or life, of nature. They do not hear the beauty of the ayats, verses in the Quran. And they do not think of who made them, without Allah, we would not be alive. I'm not sure how it went, but I think that's what the line meant.

I think that would be enough for now, I should really learn more about this before I talk about it, who knows if I'm wrong? Astaghfirullah, I hope I am not. Assalamualaikum.

Satisfaction Does Not Come Often

It's not meant to be. I know it's not. I just want it to be so. But then, you can't argue with fate. If it's to happen, then it's to happen. Yes, it's true that you can change your fate and destiny when you have determination and hard work on your side, but even if I do have those, if I'm not gonna end up with him, I'm still not gonna end up with him. At least, that's to my understanding.

I saw people walking around, most in white, a few in blue. Though none of those in blue were him, the one I wished to see. I kept looking up from the book I was reading, distracted by the figures that passed by, wishing every time it would be him and only him who walked by, once again to look me in the eyes, smiling as he says "hi", the same way he did on that Wednesday a few weeks ago.

Then I realize, there's no point. Because he's never going to walk my way. Because it's not fate. It's not my destiny to be with him. And I can't change that, whether I like it or not. It's all in the hands of God, the Almighty. But I longed to see him. To bump into him, just so that I could call it a sign; to believe that there is a chance. To think that I'm not crazy to like him when I've no clue what kind of person he is.

And after I walked out of the bookstore, I saw him, there, walking with his friend, I suppose, to his form block, at the back of the school, while I was just sitting there, in my classroom, innocently looking as if I was reading my book. I silently wished that he would turn around and coincidentally catch my eyes. To make sure of what I feel, what my feelings were telling me.

Because I understand not of what's inside. I most certainly do not feel the tingling of the heart, my pulse rising when I see him, or even my breath being taken away for a moment. None of it. Though I used to, for three whole weeks or more. I knew they were there. I felt it. I was present and conscious. I couldn't stop thinking of him. The more he got out of my mind, the more he came back. I've had thoughts of him and me together, and as soon as I realize I'm in my own world, I snap myself back to reality, it seemed like the right thing to do, as I found my thoughts pathetic and only as it was.

Only, every time, I would go back, because I would want to know how it ends, how my short story that I made up of him and me ends. But every time I continue on where I left it, the thought that there's never going to be a chance comes in. And so I think and think, all the negativity that I've pushed out since I got over my ex came back, hitting me like a tidal wave, so huge and tremendous that it turned every other thought inside of me from a positive to a negative. And it just keeps on hitting me until there comes a point where someone interrupts my thoughts or I fall asleep.

I know I shouldn't be all negative, because there's always hope, and there is hope inside of me. Deep down. It's just covered by all the negative thoughts on how it's not meant to be and everything else. But what if it is? Plus, I've only discovered those feelings only three weeks ago, and from what I've noticed, it goes on and off. Just that, when it's on, what I feel is too much for me to handle. I say it's different, but it's different all the time, which makes it the same (or just really different every time).

I could see him playing around with another guy in blue and two girls. Laughing, he was showing his perfectly even white teeth and his pinkish red lips were noticeable from meters away. My friend, Sara, and I were walking from the bathroom on the first floor of Block E, when coincidentally, he was there, at the end of his form block. I asked Sara if it was him I was seeing, (she didn't know that I had feelings for him) and Sara said yes, that it was him, and to walk fast, because she didn't want to talk to him, because every time she does, she would find her heart beating fast. Does that mean she liked him?

But I didn't. I kept my pace, which was as slow as a turtle, stopping by the trash can to throw away the Mentos wrap Sara gave me. Slowly I walked, searching and searching, though I couldn't seem to find what I was looking for. That feeling inside of me. The one that used to show when I see him out of nowhere. The one that gets me all excited and alive. Could it be that it has stopped? Or that it wasn't even real?

What's odd is that I didn't seem to be happy, elated and/or overwhelmed. Instead I felt dull and unsatisfied. As if there was something missing, as if I missed an event, one that I were to attend. As if I skipped a day of my life. Or a week. Possibly even a month! It was as if I didn't even want to accept that I'm not in love with him.

Love. What is love? Should I even be calling it love? Love is something so big that I don't even have the words to explain it. Therefore, I shouldn't be using a word so powerful, reserved for only people who has felt it, who is feeling it, for something I'm not even sure of. For all I know, I could have just been attracted to what I saw, like how I was to the first guy I caught my eye on in high school, my first ever boyfriend. Boy, he was a mistake. Besides, what else could it be? I know absolutely nothing about him. I know the big things, like he's a teacher's son, that he's a prefect, and that he's a nice guy. But I don't know the things that even a friend should know, like his favorite color or the kind of music he listens to. Is there any other explanation to why I like him? Or liked.

But it couldn't be that simple. It just couldn't. There needs to be more drama, more words said. There needs to be heartache and tears. There needs to be depression and misery. But the wasn't any. Or is this not the end? I just can't accept that this is how it is. I have no idea what's keeping me from accepting this. Any normal person would be thanking God, for getting them out of the trouble of having their heart broken. But I'm not. It's like, an unresolved feeling. It goes away, then it comes back. Or maybe it is not the end. Maybe there's an unwritten story. Because it's just ... I mean, it's like I'm losing something that I've never gotten. And to feel that is worse than to get a heartbreak.

"Whatever satisfies the soul is truth" - Walt Whitman

The Inspiring Friend.

Double D. I've written posts about her a lot. Good ones, bad ones. I think I've already written what I'm about to write soon, but I just feel like I have to do it. Write about it, I mean.

Full name: Dina Dzafira Ramlan.

Birth date: 9th July 1997

Age: 14 years

Dina, also known as DD, is a friend of mine. She's not my best friend in the whole world, but we're close. She's more of a person whom I'm inspired by. I don't think she knows that, but well, she does now. Even I just found that out last night >.>

Anyway, she does things that are well, inspiring. She's good in everything. Even though at first I saw her as um, the opposite as I see her now, I've learned things; to see things differently, and DD is one of the "things" that I see differently now. DD is judging from her looks, a pretty girl. But then, the outside doesn't really matter. It's the inside, and what she does that inspired me. I don't really know in what way she inspired me, but well, I'm just glad to have met her.

She draws, that's one thing that kinda inspired me. Okay, fine, I'm not interested in arts, not really, but well, a picture's worth a thousand words, and if you see it from a point, it's amazing, really, how an artist thinks of something and expresses it using a pencil on a piece of empty paper. They don't even need words to show how they're feeling and what's inside. When it's done, you see and you understand. Not that I understand what DD's always trying to say, since they're Anime characters >.> And I don't think she even tries to say anything xD.

And then she writes! Last night, she showed me this message she sent to this senior friend of ours (whom I don't really talk to anymore), and she's like, AMAZING. I mean, even I'm effected from reading her really long message. How can one person be so great at so many things? And her vocab is like, so high, she knows so many words and her accent is cool. Okay, now I'm acting like I'm a fan xD But it's so true. It's.. I don't know. I had so much to write before this, but now, I'm totally blank. I guess I've said everything I had to say.

Worth the Wait?

I don't know if I've written this, or something similar to it, but it's on my mind.

Why do people always say, "don't give up"? Okay, fine, because if you give up, you'll miss out on something great. Like, you give up on waiting for a ride at Disneyland because the line was too long, but then, it turns out, it could have been the greatest ride you've ever rode on. Or you give up on finding the answer on a Maths test, only if you'd try harder, you'd get the answer. Or you give up on waiting for the person you like, because he/she didn't like you at that moment, but if you'd have waited, you'd be happy with him/her.

But then, how can you not give up? If the line's too long, then what's the point of waiting? It's just gonna waste your time and throughout the whole time you were in the line, you're sad or unhappy, 'cause it was a long wait. It's like, the ride is not even worth your time. But then, you'll never find out, because you never got on that ride. Right? I mean, if it was worth it or not.

So, I like this guy... I don't understand why though, because I've never really talked to him. As in talk to him about something that's important and more than 2 seconds. At least, not alone. But I do, I like him. (okay, at this moment, I don't feel anything, but anyway) Not the I-like-you-cause-you're-cute kinda like, I like him with real feelings. (Or they could just have been the illusion of the heart >.>)

My friend told me that he knows I like him. How? I've no idea. Anyway, I asked my friend if he knows who that guy I like likes. And he said yes, a long time ago. I am here, sitting, writing this, when I should be studying for tomorrow's exam, asking if I should wait for him or not. Because, if I do wait for him, then, it's like, I'm pathetic, because who knows if he's ever gonna look at me that way. Besides, it's high school. Only like 1% of high school relationships last, right? But if I give up, then, what if he suddenly likes me after we talk? Or by some miracle.

Ugh, this is wasting my time. Seriously. I'll just focus on myself after the exam, and not on some guy who probably doesn't even know my name.

I Can See The Sunlight In Your Hair

The sun is shining,

The wind is blowing,

Yet, we stay inside,

In our air-conditioned rooms,

With the curtains closed,

We turn the lights on.

There's fresh air outside,

The smell of trees and flowers,

The sight of the blue sky,

And green surroundings,

But, don't you think it's odd?

That we choose to stay indoors,

And corrupt our minds with

games and online chatting.

Why is it that we don't go out,

On beautiful days like this,

To have picnics in the park,

Or fly kites?

To just enjoy nature,

Listening to the birds chirping,

And the hush sounds of the wind.

We don't appreciate

What has been made for us,

We know that it's there,

And we know that it's going to go away soon,

But we do nothing about it.

We think that there's still time,

But we don't use the time wisely,

To see mother nature

while we still can.

So Much For My Happy Ending

WARNING: There are sort of mean things. Get out before you're too late.

Endings. Ever thought about them? Lately, I've been making up endings in my head, who I'm gonna end up with, what he'll be like. Not so far, until who I'm gonna marry, but just, who I'm gonna end up with at the end of this year or something. I mean, I've read books and they all sort of have the same endings.

This girl likes this guy who she thinks is so amazing and wonderful. Next, she meets another guy, who goes through everything with her, her heartbreaks, funny moments, everything, and he starts falling for her. And then, she realizes that the amazing and wonderful guy is just in her head, and that he's actually a jerk to her, because he has this other girl he's in love with or something. She starts falling for the other guy and they live happily until their break up, which the writer doesn't usually add in, because it's a happy ending.

Well, that's a situation where there are two guys in the picture. And the girl never expected that she would fall for the other guy.

In my case, I HAVE ALREADY MADE UP EVERY POSSIBLE ENDING. So, it's like, I'm expecting something to happen. Any one of three situations.

Oh next situation is that, her best friend, this guy she fell for, is in love with her good friend. And then this other guy falls for her, and they got close. But soon, the best friend broke up with his girlfriend or lover or whatever, because he realized that she's not what he likes, and he goes to her, the main person.

But that's less likely to happen.

AND the third situation is that, when all the drama ends, she doesn't end up with any of them, and they're just her past. She gets new friends and a new crush/lover.

So it's kind of just a matter of time till one of those three situations happen to me. To be honest, I'm scared. Of any of those endings. I don't really know why. Okay, maybe I do. First situation, I don't wanna end up with the other guy. It's not that he's bad or an ass or anything, just that, I don't know. I don't want to. That's it. I mean, there are some things you don't mind getting and some things you don't want, and it's just a thing that I do not want. Second situation is that, IF he ever falls back for me, I don't think he'll ever admit it, 'cause me and his lover, we're sort of, I repeat, SORT OF, close. You know, girl code. Meh. Third situation, I don't wanna lose that guy I like, because he's ALMOST as perfect as my dream guy.

Ugh, after my ex-boyfriend drama, I thought I'd be this hippie sort of person, no stress and all, because there was just so much drama. And now it's worse.

I Have To, But What If I Don't Want To?

Embarrassment. It's a sick feeling. It burns your face up, makes you go red, and you feel like everyone around you is mocking you, as if you did something so bad, no one could forgive. It makes your heart feel heavy, when you're walking around people. And they say it's okay, that it was nothing that you did wrong, but you just can't seem to believe them. Because you know that it's not.

A friend of mine told my crush that I liked him. I covered her mouth, begging her to not tell him. But it got out, and I gave up. "-My crush's name-, Amilah.." I knew there was no covering up from that. He wasn't dumb. Anyone could have guessed. We made it so obvious that I liked him. Yes, I realize that it was partially my fault, because if I would have just stayed cool, I could have covered it up. I went away to get something from my other friend, but she held it our of reach, so I had to jump to get it. Hugging and laughing with her, it looked like I was having the time of my life, when he said, "Amilah. She's told me." With a smile that I kept falling for, he walked away with his lover.

I sat in silence in my room, thinking about it. I could hear the creaking sound of the fan, doing it's job, circling on the ceiling. I tried to hear music, but it sickened me. I'd rather sit in the quiet. Music does not help. Sure, you can go, "that's how I feel!" but sometimes, it's just better to stay in the quiet. Why did I like him? I had my chance that week in June. I had my fairy tale moment. And I stopped liking him. So why did it have to come back?

You know how we have our dream girl/guy? Well, it felt like he was mine. My dream guy I mean. Not mine mine. Okay, whatever. He had the perfect traits. He was this guy who was funny and charming and sweet and nice and just amazing in every way. He's like one of those guys who are hard to find. Like those guys you read about in teen love stories. It was like he wasn't real. Like he came from my imagination. But I didn't imagine him. He is real. I can see him and I talk to him almost everyday on chat, and when he talks about his girl, that's how I know that he's not a guy I made up in my head. He talks about her like there's no one else better in the whole world. I don't even know what to say next. He's like the guy in Yuna's song, Cinta Sempurna.

I know it's going to be okay. Because it always is. I know that he's cool with it, because that's just the kind of guy he is. And he wouldn't even think about it, because according to my friend who told him, he's known for weeks. But it's not okay now. Not to me, that is. I can't just shake the feeling that I know he knows I like him and still talk to him like nothing happened. If I didn't know that he knew, that was better. I knew I had a feeling that he knew. What is it about instincts that are always right? Well, almost always right.

And I know I have to stop liking him, because what's the point of liking someone who doesn't like you back, right? I do have hope, but when I think about it, it just makes me sound like I'm this pathetic person, who wants a guy who doesn't like me back. Never mind, I'll find someone like you. I wish nothing but the best for you. Besides, I'm still just a kid, right? And this is high school, relationships don't last. Except for those lucky ones.

But what if I don't want to?

I Hope It's the Cold Speaking.

What if I lost my senses? What if one day I wake up and I just couldn't see? Or couldn't hear? Or maybe in one meal, I couldn't taste anything? What if I couldn't move my arms and legs? What then? I mean, how do I know when things are going to be bad or good? How does anyone? It's like, when you take a moment to think about things, you get scared. Well, at least I do. I mean, yeah, what's gonna happen to me? If I don't act now, it's gonna be bad right? My future and all.

Good things are bound to happen. Yes, I know that. I know that you're supposed to be positive and not think about bad things cause of you know, the law of attraction, but you can't possibly just be positive all the time. That'll make you what? A hippie? Some crazy stress-free hobo or something.

Maybe it's the cold talking. Maybe it's because I'm sick that I'm so freaking out like this. I hope it is. Because when I tried to smell, (okay I know it sounds stupid but I dunno, I'm a kid and I'm freaking out) I couldn't. Well, not before I tried smelling the coffee beans. That helped a bit. Thank you, Izyan for mentioning that coffee beans liven up your sense of smell. Then I got stressed out thinking of all the what ifs! I'm saved today. But what if I'm not grateful enough this time and it'll happen again and next time, I won't be saved? Just, what if?

I don't wanna be a freak who can't smell things. I want to be able to do things. God, I feel like such a I don't even know anymore. I need some time alone I guess. But how am I supposed to go through school and family and all these questions in my head? When am I getting answers? No, I am not losing trust in God, but I just want a human with all the answers. I want a friend who I can call my hero. I just want someone to be there when I'm feeling insecure and stupid and like this. I want someone to tell me that it's okay to cry. I want someone who can make me feel like there's nothing to be scared of, that he or she will always be there for me. Now I'm repeating things twice. Maybe I just need to shut down everything and bang the piano or something.

Maybe Dreams Are Another World We Live In

Does the "crush effect" really exist? Like, when you like them, they suddenly look attractive to you or or that seeing them or making eye contact with them or when they speak to you, your whole day gets better? I think I just answered my own question, yes the "crush effect" really does exist.

Okay, so, I got up this morning for sahur (since we're in fasting month) at 5 AM, and I was totally awake. I mean, usually, I'd be saying, "ughh, 5 more minutes, pleaaaasee," and then I go back to sleep, till my sister or mother wakes me up again. But not today. It seemed like I was never asleep at all. Well, I was, just not on full sleep mode. Yes, there is such a thing. I hope.

Anyway, i did get to sleep, for the first 3 hours or so. It's 7.12 am, I should still be really sleepy, having to walk around for hours holding heavy bags yesterday evening, but no, I'm not.

So I dreamt. I dreamt about my crush-probably because of the card my friend, Raihah gave me, which had his name in it, a lot-being in my house, at night, with my other two friends. We, my two friends and I, were sitting at the dining table, while he was crouching down on the floor, beside the sofa, in the dark, behind the dining table we were sitting on. It was a weird dream, but aren't all? So we were doing our piano homework, for some reason, we had piano classes together, while he was just sitting down there, looking at me. Or somebody else, I dunno, couldn't be me, I mean, he liked someone else, duh.

Okay okay, back to the story. Some time later, Raihah's piano teacher came, and the piano teachers - mine and hers - had a fight on who they get, blah, not important. I don't even know why they were in my dream. Weirdness. I got up, I stood beside him, and said something to him. He smiled. He went over to the sofa and took a blanket, and covered me in it, and he hugged me tightly, as if scared to let me. He laughed, the cute funny laugh, not the "I'm-gonna-rape-you" laugh. I joined him, I wasn't scared, I guess I trusted him or something. So, he carried me, or pushed me, I don't quite remember, onto the sofa and I opened the blanket that was covering me, seeing him standing in front of me, still smiling, while I was on the couch, lying down. I laughed, and for some reason, I did the same to him, i covered him in the blanket and hugged him tightly, and my attempt to make him fall on the couch with me failed. Instead, we, still hugging each other, rolled down the couch and onto the floor, with a loud thump. I was on top of him - please do not think anything. It was totally innocent - ready to apologize, when I saw that his eyes were glittering, and his lips were still curled in a smile. I just stared at him, confused. It was as if like we were kids, playing around.

And then I woke up. I didn't get much sleep after that, I was too confused. I kept thinking about it. The dream, I mean. It's just that, I felt it. The hug, the ever so tight hug. I felt my body being squeezed, not from the side, from the front, because if it were from the side, there was a possible explanation that my sister would have hugged me. Not that it's abnormal that I felt it, because I've felt kisses on my lips in my dreams before. Still, I think this was the first time I couldn't get back to a deep sleep after a dream. it's not like it's the first time I ever had a dream about him. I dunno, I'm confused. Why am I so anxious to know what that dream meant? Why is it that I thought about it when I woke up in the middle of the night? Why can't I stop thinking about it now? It's just so weird.

I don't even like him that much. I'm serious. If I did like him so much, I'd be feeling butterflies when I'm around him, I'd feel my heart beat getting fast when thinking about him, I'd be blowing my head off, knowing that he likes another girl. But no. I don't feel that way. Sure I feel the sudden skip of a beat in my heart, but who doesn't when it's about their crush? I need answers.

I have no point of telling you this actually. I just wrote it to keep it in mind, because well, as confusing as it is, I do not wanna forget it. Might be useful someday.

Days Like This.

You know one of those days, where when you wake up, you don't feel like doing anything at all? It's like, you wake up, feeling all groggy and sleepy, you brush your teeth; you think about if what happened last night was real or a dream, and what your dream was about, if it really happened. And then you find something to do, but you don't feel like doing anything at all, not even going back to sleep.

Why do those days happen? What annoys me is that it keeps happening to me lately. It's like a disease. You don't feel like talking to anyone, you don't wanna hear them talking about what happened last night or whenever, nor do you wanna share what you've done.But you just can't help going on the computer, to see if anyone would wanna talk to you.

And then your mom asks you to do some chores, you get up lazily, and do everything she asks you to do very slowly, like you're a sloth. You take 5 every 2 seconds. You wish that the day would just end faster, because there's nothing to look forward to. You've got no mood to do anything. As if everything you have in your life is gone.

And you go to bed, hoping that tomorrow will be a better day.

A Story Of A Girl

Her sad face reminds me,
Of a story of a girl,
Who once had eyes that shine,
And a smile that was genuine.

It began in March,
On a fateful Friday evening,
A guy suddenly spoke to her,
Telling her to win a race,
His "good luck" to her was her lucky charm.

Weeks went by,
They became closer to each other,
From acquaintances to friends,
To late night chat buddies.

The holidays came,
Their chats extended till 4 a.m.;
Talking about unimportant things,
Her favorite subject.

She started to develop feelings for him,
Hinting him in some ways;
She noticed that,
He left her some hints too.

She thought he'd known,
So on a Saturday night,
Right after their goodbye,
She said to him that she liked him.

His words made her explode,
"Itsokay, I kinda like you too xD"
It felt like a dream,
Even though she expected it already.

Monday night,
He came to her house,
Gave her a present,
Under the dark night sky.

He looked handsome,
In his t-shirt and jeans,
She was comfortable,
In her sleepwear.

They sat outside her house,
Talked for a while,
The time stopped,
Nothing else in the world mattered.

Friday,
They walked to a fast food restaurant,
He bought her an ice cream,
And himself a coke.

How she wished he'd held her hand,
When crossing the road;
He stopped by her house,
To hang for a while.

When it was time for goodbye,
She walked him out,
But they just couldn't separate,
The goodbye lasted for about 15 minutes.

Though it should have lasted longer,
Because she hadn't known that,
That was the last time,
He'd be hers.

In the next week,
He told her that he was not over this girl,
With the name of a flower,
But she didn't mind,
Because she too,
Had lost feelings for him.

Days passed,
She found out that the girl with the flower name,
Likes the guy too,
So she match made them,
On a Friday in July.

She was just a best friend,
She hears him talking about his crush,
Every single day,
Since that day he told her about his crush.

He kept reminding her,
Of the night he came to her house,
While she was trying to forget,
Since it was the most romantic thing
he's ever done.

She realized soon,
That she wasn't over him;
It was just a short break,
He was still in her heart.

She can't do anything though,
Since she was the one,
Who brought them together,
Besides, they were her best friends,
She just couldn't step in.

She said,

"I don't have big brown eyes,

Nor am I sassy like her,

I don't get much time with you in person,

But I do know you."

"I'm not the one to judge who you're to be with,

And I'll not say what's on my mind;

I just want one day with you,

That'll last a lifetime."

The questions,
"What if I'd told him later?
Would he still like me then?"
Still haunts her mind,
But she usually shakes it off,
Before getting the answer,
Time and tide waits for no men.

All that's left,
Is her memory,
And that present he gave her,
The night she will never,
In a million years forget.

She was in denial,
She didn't admit that,
She still had feelings for him
To her friends,
Hoping that it would become true,
If she says it.

But her friends knew,

They knew she wasn't over him,

And they tease her,

Saying that one day,

They'll be together.

Though it seems to her that,

It was never going to happen,

Because he and the flower girl,

Seems to be perfectly happy together,

She couldn't help but to laugh,

At the silly teases her friends make.

"So don't fall in love,

There's just too much to lose."

Girl In The Mirror

I read a book. Girl in the Mirror by Cecelia Ahern. It's not of those really long books, it's a short story of 46 pages. Lucy, the main character (i think), has a blind grandmother who lives in a big scary house with the mirrors all covered in black sheets.

On her wedding day, Lucy took off one of the black sheets off a mirror in a room that her grandmother forbid her to go into and she got sucked in the mirror. It just happened, she was touching the glass of her reflection and got sucked in. She saw the things, furniture and all, but she couldn't touch them.

A girl appeared on the other side. Her reflection, giving her three chances to say yes, to the question of sacrificing her eyes for freedom. Lucy stayed. She was stuck in the mirror for what seemed like forever, until a painter, no more than 25 years old came, and got sucked in like she did.

And I was thinking, are we living in our own reflection? Is there another world out there, that we're supposed to live in? But then, it wouldn't be possible, would it? Because then, we'd see ourselves and we couldn't touch things. Right?

Then i thought, could it be real? Could be get sucked into a mirror? If yes, then what?

Stuck In The Middle

Have you ever like, got stuck in a group of loud people and you're the only one that's quiet? Okay, maybe not. It's happened to me though. I don't think it's the first time today, but so far, I think today's was the worst :\.

It was Sports Day, at about noon, I think. I was following my friend, 'cause I was going back with her and I didn't wanna lose her, so yeah, I followed her. She went to this sort-of-bus-stop at one corner of the stadium, where there were her sister's friend and her brother's, the guy I've been talking about. Oh and there was this guy, he's in our form. Okaaaaaay, anyway, they were all being loud and hyper, and vain, and I was just there. Looking lost and shy. What the heck, right? I mean, I barely spoke.

That wasn't the only time. Almost every time I followed my friend to her sister and her friends, it'd be that awkward with me. A part of me just kinda felt like am-I-too-lame-that-you-won't-even-look-at-me? I know, that's stupid, 'cause I'm not supposed to say I'm lame, it's just.. I felt that way, for some reason. With the bad mood I was in, it made how I felt worse.

What are you supposed to do when you're stuck in the middle? I mean, seriously. Speak? What if you just mumble? What if you don't have anything to say? What if you can't think of anything to say? Then, how? Just stand there and be awkward and feel lame? Well, I did that and let's just say, it was a whole thumbs down.

Maybe :\

And every time I like someone, I always feel like there's someone better than me. One that he'll like more.

It's not like that. I'm not saying anything. I just feel like I'm not good enough. As if I'm boring. Is that normal?

But then again, I don't really feel much for him, so.. what? I remember last week, there were those couple of days where I felt so sure. I felt like I was the only one that mattered, but then, as time goes by, we start to grow apart. It's too early to say, I know. But I just think that way. Maybe it's because we haven't seen each other for a couple of days.

Before I confessed, I couldn't wait for night time to come, because that's when we normally chat, to tell him about my day. Now, a week later, it's like I have nothing to talk about with him. Not nothing, just that, when we chat, it's as if I'm boring him.

I know I can't accuse. I'm not. It's just how I feel. Maybe I'm just tired. Maybe when I'm in the right mood, I won't feel this way.

Or maybe we're just moving too fast. Things that are supposed to be done in a few months was done in a few days. And the feelings go away as if it's been months that I liked him.

But it is possible to lose feeling for someone so great in less than a week? Will that make me a bad person? But then, what's the point of it anyway? If he says he doesn't fall in love, then what am I here for? Don't I want to fall in love and get in a relationship?

I know that I'm young. I haven't even set a goal for my life yet, but that's out of the question. But, am I smart enough? He's not a douche, he's not a jerk. In fact, he's the total opposite of those. I just don't know what I should do right now. Where I'm going.

I have two choices: To stay where I am, enjoy the moment; or Stop it, find someone better. But what about the what ifs? What if, if I stay, I still won't feel a thing and I'd just be playing him? No, we're not together, but it's wrong to make someone think you like him when you don't, right? And then, what if I stop and I regret it because he's a great guy? There aren't that many good guys out there in the world, let alone great guys.

Okay, done. Enough. No more. This might just be a phase. I will get over it. I will continue to like him and enjoy the moment. There. Done. I will zip my mouth and shut down my brain about this thing and convince myself that he's a great guy that I will wanna stick to.

Oh God, seeing his pictures is making me feel like I wanna cry. I don't know why, I don't want to. What the heck is this? HELP! - 11.18 P.M.

The New Boy I Like

For me to get a crush after loving someone for so long is kinda really weird xD. I mean, I don't LOVE this guy, I just like him. I can't say it feels better than love, but I kinda really like this feeling. Well, partly 'cause I don't feel anything for him. Much. I just smile whenever I talk about him, I grin widely whenever I see his pictures, and I stalk. A lot, even if I've seen his pictures millions of times already. I just can't get enough. I mean, I never get bored looking at this face. I chat with him more than 4 hours every night - okay well, not every night. On most nights (but that's gonna stop ): ) And sometimes more :P - and I don't get bored for some reason. There's always something to talk about.

And then I realized something. I've never really felt comfort when I was with my ex. There was always something that was wrong. Something I couldn't say. Something. And in real life, I felt as if I couldn't be beside him because I might get teased. I felt like I couldn't talk to him much, because maybe he'd think I want people to notice us or something. There's always that. ALWAYS. I didn't want him to see the bad side of me, and it's all he could see.

Anyway, with this guy I like, I don't feel like I need to be like this or like that. I'm comfortable with him. And he's actually interested in chatting with me. I can be who I really am. Or what I feel like. Honestly, I'm more comfortable with him than with my other friends. Okay, I dunno in real life, but on chat, yeah. I feel more comfortable with him. And he understands the -.-'' and =.='' smileys. LOL, maybe that's silly, but some people, they put it on every single sentence, and I can't help feeling guilty, like I made them annoyed or something. He's really something.

This might be too soon, but everyday, I look forward to chatting with him. Is that weird? I keep thinking that me liking him is weird, you know. Like I keep thinking people would say stuff if they found out. About the comfort? I still feel that, that's just when I'm chatting with him. I mean, it's like nothing could bother me. Yeah, maybe it is weird xD. Whatever, I'm happier now.

I spent most of my time chatting with him and thinking about him that I kinda forgot to miss my friends. I'm sorry, I know that's selfish or something, but it's just... I can't get him outta my head. Everything I do, I'd be thinking, "Oh man, time moves so slow! Grr, if only day was night .__." It always happens! When my friend tagged me in a status, saying that she misses me (and the others), I was like, "Oh crap! I totally forgot about her!" Seriously, he's gotten me crazy. Even though we chat that much... I kinda still miss him. And I dunno, I'm starting to feel something. Like, when i went to the movies yesterday, I had this weird feeling inside of me. I can't describe it. Something like shivering, but not really. I dunno. It was just weird.

GRRR WEIRDNESS >_<

Just... Okay?

Most people are so afraid of getting judged by others. I mean, I don't get why. Okay, fine, maybe I'd get offended if anybody judges me before they even know me, but now, it's like, so what? It's not like they're worth it. And it's their loss. I mean, if you think you're great, then yeah, it's their loss for not wanting to get to know you cause they think you're a *(&@W(* or a @W((*@# (i dont even know what im typing, but whatever).

LOL, i think I've written stuff like this a million times already, it's just that, I read on Tumblr, on a person's blog, she said not to judge her. Of course people will judge her. It's human nature. We just have to you know, just... But yeah, maybe it would be offending, but think about it, would you rather have a great time with your friends and not care what others think or would you wanna live crying over someone saying you're a *#(@&%?

Relationship Status: Single

I think being single is sad. I think the people who are single are sad. Okay, maybe not those people who choose to be single and like it that way. But I dunno, I think most people, or rather everybody, wants somebody by their side, to love them and to be there for them through every moment of their lives. Dig deep down, honey, you'll find it.

Those "I am single because I'm too good for any men" quotes are not true. You're single 'cause you're not good enough for that guy you lost or want. Face it. Okay, fine, maybe you are good enough for him, but you just can't get him for whatever reasons. Those quotes are just to make you feel better. But why believe lies? Okay, so you got dumped, or you just broke up, then be sad. Take your time. It took me 62 days (I think) to get over my ex-boyfriend. That's a long time, you know.

Anyway, just be sad. At least you feel something. Not feeling anything towards anyone is kind of sadder. I mean, think about it. When you don't feel anything, whatever you do with yourself, it's just for you, no one else. Okay, maybe I'm the only one who feels that way, but I dunno. It's just weird and sad. I heard this song the other day, If tomorrow never comes by Boyzone, and it kinda got me thinking about this whole thing. So like, what if tomorrow never comes? Who's in your heart then?

Okay, fineeee, it's not a big deal, it's just that... it's nice to be in a relationship. At least you know that there's a someone who looks forward to see you and talk to you. That someone who loves you.

Shrug. Hmm...

P/S: Sorry if I was harsh :\

I Guess It's Time for the Truth? (Read at own risk)

This is for someone who I lied to on his birthday.

It was me. The birthday present, the orange note, it was me.

"What Dina said, that was on Amilah's blog, the dialogue?
That's not true. I'm not that kind of person. I know this because
Amilah told me the other day that Dina told you what Amilah
wrote on her blog. To believe me or not, that's your choice.
I know what I know. I don't know what Amilah has against me,
but never mind her. This is about you and me. And _ _ _ _ _,
if I smile and I talk to you, that means I like you. Please don't
ask me if I do. Admitting it would be weird. Oh and please
do not talk to me or ask me anything about what I said, ever.
I really don't wanna talk about it. Love, A_ _ _ _ _ _."

Ring a bell? You see, I asked her to do it, give you the present because I didn't want to give it to you, because I thought it would be awkward, being your ex and all that.

The note? Well, my first intention was to get revenge on you, because I was mad at you. You didn't believe me when DD told you about what I said on my blog, instead you got mad. At me. And you asked me to delete the post. I'm guessing 'cause you don't want people (like anybody would know, cause I didn't write any names) to know bad things about her? And then, you sent that message to Izyan, saying that no one's gonna stop you from having a relationship with "her".

That time, I realized that I really needed to do what I planned, because if that's what you want, to be in a relationship with "her", then I can't stop you (not that I planned to), and I didn't want to get in your way, so I couldn't have given you the present. At least, that's what I thought.

Look, I was a mess, I still am. I just wanted you to be happy, I wanted you guys to have a real, lost-lasting relationship with no fights (or at least not much) and lots of love. I really do. I pray for you every chance I get. I'm ready to give up my happiness, as long as I get to see you happy. 'Cause that's how much you mean to me, dude. That's how much I care about you, and I don't really mind if you don't give a damn about me. I don't. It doesn't matter anyway. I'm just telling.

Keep reading. I know, you told me not to write about you anymore, but I needed to do this, or else you won't know the truth.

Okay, I don't know if she likes you or not, I'm sorry I lied. You'd probably be mad right now, and if you don't want to talk to me ever again, I understand. (Assumptions, yes. Let it go for this once, please.) But it seemed like you were so sure she does like you, and that she was the most perfect human being alive, and I didn't want to ruin your hopes by trying to convince you that she's only gonna date you for experience. I don't even know if that's the truth! I wrote about that because I was confused. I was confused of how someone could be so nice and innocent on the outside and so mean on the inside. Maybe she is perfect? Who knows? I don't have anything against her. Or at least I think I don't. But that does not matter.

I just don't want you to get hurt. I wanted you to, at first. I'm sorry. But like I said, it changed. So, you want to believe me or not, that's your choice. I'm only telling you what I know. If you don't want to listen, that's not my problem. Maybe she does like you.

I'm sorry for lying, I'm sorry for making "her" give you the present of 18 Mars bars. I know they're your favorite chocolate. I hope you enjoyed them. Back to being sorry. I'm sorry for making that fake note. I wasn't thinking straight. I just wanted revenge. And I wanted you to be happy. I don't know, there were those two feelings at the same time. Whatever. I'm sorry for everything.

I guess that's the truth. That's all. I think. And I shall not bother your life anymore, because it would be awkward if I do. >_>

Good luck with her, okay? Try to have a REAL conversation. You guys don't even talk to each other. :|

It's Always After

You know the saying, "You never really appreciate something once it's gone" ? Well, whoever that person who wrote it was right. You really never do. I mean, you say you do, but when it's gone, you still miss it, don't you? You still regret not having appreciate it more. Like, I dunno, hair? When you have long hair, you hate it, but then when you cut it, you start to miss the rest of your hair. Okay, weird example, but still.

Wait, can you appreciate something when it's there and not miss it when it's gone? I'm not really making sense here :|. Oh hell, I guess it's just a personality or trait or whatever you call it that every human has. We expect that it will last forever, when it won't. Therefore, we don't give it the best of us. We think that it should get us little by little so that there's more for the future. It's like money. You don't use ALL of them. You use some, you save some.

But somehow, someday, you get over it. Maybe you'd think about it once in a while, but you won't cry over it. You won't regret it, like you did when it first went away. You won't miss it as much as you did. Maybe it's just human nature. That's how life goes on, I guess.

Aah, and I got my answer. Ever heard of Hilary Duff's What Dreams Are Made Of? In it, she said, "Have you ever wondered what life is all about? You could search the world and never figure it out."And I've been thinking about that, but I stopped, 'cause apparently I've forgotten xD. Anyway, I guess the answer is, there is no answer. You just have to live life. Make the best of it. You get something, you live with it, you lose it, you move on.

That's what you do every single day. You get to wake up again, you live the day, you lose it at night and back to the start. Maybe some things are irreplaceable, like a loved one. He/she died or whatever. You can't go back to the start. I guess for that, you just have to move on.

"The sands of time moves on. You can't turn back the hourglass."

If Only I Could Turn Back Time

I did something today. I can't say I'm proud of it. Though, I can't say I regret it. I don't. It's complicated, in a way. Okay, my conclusion is, it's better to make somebody happy rather than to satisfy yourself and make the other person miserable. In other words, it's better to get hurt and see that other person, the one you care about in a good mood, rather than to make yourself happy. It's like being selfless. Okay well, I know lying is wrong, BUT it's better to be like that, right?

Whatever it is, no matter how wrong it is, it happened already. I made it happen. I chose for it to happen, so, it doesn't really matter. The truth won't change anything. It might change what that person knows, but it doesn't change the fact of how he/she feels.

And yes, I'm telling it to the whole world, that I did something bad. I'm telling the whole world (or to the people who actually reads this blog, which most of you guys already know) the mistake I did, when I could have save the sins and myself from getting hurt. But hey, it was my choice, right? So whatever I feel, how hurt I get, how much pain I have to live with for a certain period of time, it's all on me. And I'm ready to accept the challenge. Sometimes, it's just better that way. Even if it's based on lies. Who knows? Maybe it will change somewhere in the future. Hopefully.

“We can never turn back the pages of time, though we may wish to relive a happy moment, or say goodbye just one last time, we never can, because the sands of time continue to fall, and we can’t turn the hourglass over.” ~ Anonymous

Facial Expressions

Do you know that you can tell how somebody's feeling inside by just looking at their faces? I just realized that today, actually. I mean, at first, I wasn't sure. I thought it was just something some people could do, but I think everybody can. Like, if you just went through a break up or someone you loved died, and you say you're fine, nobody's gonna believe you. Even if you have a smile on your face, even if you laugh at jokes, they'll know that you feel sad inside.

My friends, even though I laugh and I smile, and I act as if I don't think of my ex, they still know that I'm sad inside. I mean, I didn't even know I was sad inside. But I guess, if I dig really deep down, there is. It surprised me that not only my close friends know. The girl who sits next to me in class, Sara, she knows by just looking at me that I'm still somehow hoping for him to come back. I was honestly amazed. I didn't even tell her, and I doubt any of my friends would tell her, 'cause they're not even close to her, so how would she know? And no, she didn't even read my "diary".

I'm starting to observe people more nowadays, looking at their faces, to see who they really are, why they act the way they do, what they're feeling inside. And it actually works. On some people. You can even tell my their tone, when they speak. The girl who plays with boys, seniors, she's not happy. If you really look at her, if you observe her, she's lost. She doesn't know what to do with her life if she doesn't fool around with guys. And then, there's the other girl who's just like her, only prettier and she dates them, instead of fooling around with them. You think she's happy? Having to let herself like guys after guys, and then getting her heart broken every single time. That's bad, you know. The teacher who's always grumpy and teaches boringly, who knows? She might be stressed out with her life, not having kids. Maybe she really wanted kids, but can't have them, and seeing other people's children, teaching them, that would just remind her of the things, the people she can't have. The guy who acts like nothing's wrong with his life, when there's so many you don't know. The one who keeps bothering you, he's just trying to get away from his family or whoever that's making him sad.

Okay, these things might not be true, but who knows? My friend said, your gut is always 75% right. So, who's to say it's not true? And I'm not saying it is, I'm just saying what I see on their faces. And who the heck are we to judge them? To say that the girls are sluts and bitches, to say that that teacher is mean and is only giving you stress, and to say that the boy is annoying? I mean, we don't even know what's their story, and already, we're giving them looks and backbites. I don't know. It's just wrong. There are a lot of maybes in this world, you know. You never know what's happened, what's going on and what's gonna come, so it's better to just not think about other people badly, and just stick to the positive side. Like they say, "watch your thoughts, they become words. Watch your words, they become actions. Watch your actions, they become habits."

Learn something here. Not everybody acts the way they do because they want to. And we have no right to say stuff about them. If you wanna think bad about them, then go on. But just don't let them become words and actions. Keep your mean thoughts to yourself.

And I realize, I should stop saying that my teachers are mean and start appreciating them, 'cause without them, I'm not a person. I should stop backbiting my friends (I DON'T ANYMORE. Not much, anyway. Actually, I don't even remember the last time i backbit my friends), and start having fun with them and be real. Okay, fine, I lied. I do remember the last time I talked about my friend, and that was last night, but I was just worried about someone, okay?! But, I'm gonna stop. Just sometimes, there will be occasional backbites. SOMETIMES. Like, once in a blue moon, whatever the heck that means.

Would You Marry You?

Okay, I took that from a book, but whatever. I'm gonna write about it anyway.

So, would you? Would you marry you? Answer it honestly, 'cause if you lie, you're just lying to yourself. And who's gonna trust you, if you lie to yourself?

If I were to ask myself that question, which I am currently doing, I don't think so. That's honest, okay? I mean, from the outside, if I were to pick whom I'd wanna marry, just from the outside, then yeah. I guess I'd marry me. Not to be vain or anything, but yeah LOL. But if you're asking if I'd marry me for me, for who I am inside, I guess not. Because, well, I'm just not that good of a person.

It helps if you list out the things about you. Good and bad. There's no need to say you're boasting or being vain or whatever. It's a fact. Live with it. Be honest. No one is gonna see it, so yeah. But just to give you a boost, and to get MY answers, I shall list down mine. Not here, though.

If you're the kind of person who's self-centered, emotional, whiny, evil and all that, would you wanna marry you? People judge you on how you judge yourself. So, if your answer to my question is no or maybe, wouldn't it be the time to change? I know a saying that says, "If not now, when?" Ask yourself that, will you?

You Can't Do It, Shut Up.

I don't get it! I just don't get it! How can someone say to another person that he/she should be like this and that, but he/she him/herself is worse? How can someone feel like nothing's wrong with him/herself? Seriously, how? Just tell me a few reasons, and I'll shut up.

I'm not saying that I don't do that. Well, I don't. Not anymore. I did that a few months back, but I changed. Because when someone tells me hurtful words, I don't know. I guess it just gets to me. And all the time I put into the sadness and anger, I just get used to the way I act, and I change.

It's not that I expect people to be perfect, because I'm not perfect, it's just, I don't get how a person can be so bad. No, I don't get how I could have been so bad for the past few months. I don't get how I could look myself in the mirror. In fact, I couldn't look at myself in the mirror. So, how can these people, who think they are so good, who think that they would never lose anybody, because they are so "nice" to them, look at their reflections in the mirror? How can these people, who tell other people how bad they are, live their life like nothing's wrong? Like nothing's bothering them?

Urgh, I don't want to continue writing. It just sucks. To know that all this while, you had a friend who just used you. Well, kinda of like that. And now, I've broken my promise not to get upset or angry. So, if you feel even the slightest bit of guilt, you know I'm talking about you. Thank you for making me lose the chance to think positively :).

Hm :|

It's just weird now. Just weird. Can pictures change? I don't know, it's just different when I look at it again. Not that I was trying to find anything, just trying to relive the memories. 'Cause well, you can say that I miss him. I mean, us. I don't know la. I'll just have to smile and forget about it. I hope it doesn't haunt me though.

Who knows? Maybe I'll get over him in a few days. A lot can change, really.

I'm Just.... Curious :\

I do not understand how somebody can let go of the person he/she loved for a long period that easily. I'm not pointing fingers at anyone, I'm just curious. I've read in books, I've seen on movies about this situation. In fact, I've lived through it. I mean, of someone letting go of me, that is. Not the other way around. Because honestly, I've never really loved anybody, except for that guy I was in a relationship with for nine months, which in teenage life, felt like years.

Okay, so back to the point. How do you people do it? Letting go of someone who you were sure of going to be yours till the day you die. Letting go of someone who meant the world to you. Letting go of someone you've been through a lot with. Just... how? Could it be because you never really loved that person? Then, the whole "I love you," was a lie? If so, how could you lie to someone about loving them? Doesn't the word, "love" mean anything to you? For someone to love another, it takes a lot of okay, well, I don't know, really. But it's just something that you cannot lie about. You just can't.

Think about it. If you loved this one person will all your heart, and you're in a relationship with him/her, you say, "I love you," meaning it, and the other person reply, but with no feeling at all. How would you feel? Like you've been fooled or something.

I'm not saying that my relationship with that guy (let's call him Dude), was a lie. Because I know it wasn't. Well, at least at first it wasn't. Because there is this one picture, where I can just see it in his eyes, that he was in love. You know when you look at someone's eyes, you can see if it's true or not, their love for you? And then, when you know it's real, it sends you shivers. That's how I felt whenever I looked in his eyes. Before we broke up, I mean.

Wait, wait, didn't I say I wasn't pointing fingers at anyone? =.='' Hm, will someone just tell me, how can you let go of someone so easily? Do you ever had hopes for that someone to tell you that he/she still loves you? Not a lot, just a tiny part in your heart, about 1% of it, hoping that you'll get back together. I'm not saying I'm desperate to get back together with Dude, but it's just well, like I said... I'm curious. Because I know I have a feeling inside of me, just a little bit, because I know he's um, well, let's just say he's moved on, that hopes for him to miss me and want me back.

I honestly do not know what I'm doing. I'm not in love with him anymore. At least, I think I'm not. I don't know, I'm confused. Just.. really confused. And curious. I was sure I wasn't in love with him, at least, until he told me he's moved on and my heart just totally sand and my smile, from laughing out loud watching that funny college guy's videos, turned into a frown. Disappointed look, to be exact. I lost my mood to chat. I just went inside my room and wrote on blank papers.

And today, while being a mannequin for my jubah, I felt tears watering my eyes. My heart was beating fast. And loud. So what am I feeling, actually? No, I do not want Dude back. I don't. Well, just a little bit. That 1% thing I talked about. But just that. I don't want him back, 'cause I know we'll never work out. When I think about it, we have nothing to talk about. Nothing. Much. I don't know. I'm seriously confused.

I remember, that one night, I was really, hyper, back when we were back together. I guess I was waiting for him to go online or something. I was chatting with DD. We were listing facts/reasons about and why we like our guys. i reached till 55, I think, but some of them are repeats.

1. Kinda cute

2. Sweet

3. Makes me laugh

4. Um, I kinda can talk to him for like, two hours and not even notice it, but then it gets bored lah

5. His eyes tell me A LOT

6. He’s very romantic actually

7. He makes me feel so confident, somehow

8. I like the way he chats, not like other guys, cam lame gila

9. I know he’s not the kinda guy who I wish I have, but I know he means well when he tells me I make mistakes

10. He’s tall and I SO DIG tall dudes

11. His hands are soft

12. I somehow sorta kinda sorta like his odour, although I can’t really stand it

13. I find him interesting

14. He talks like he’s such a sweet guy, I mean, his voice, it’s so… sweet, somehow

15. He treats me differently

16. He says stuff to me like it’s nothing, when it means SO MUCH

17. He gets on my nerves, LOL

18. No matter how mad I get at him, I’ll still wanna talk to him

19. He really doesn’t know me xD

20. I kinda sorta think he’s hot/extremelycuuuuuuuute when he’s like, all shy and embarrassed but smiling and looking down.

21. He actually finishes his homework

22. He likes Korean songs

23. And likes to speak in other languages other than English and Malay

24. He’s awesome with pranks

25. He knows my voice too well, like this one time, he called me, and then, I said I was fine, but I was really not, and he could really sense it.

26. He remembers things

27. He talks about us getting married

28. He is sooooo much like a girl, in a guyish way

29. I can talk to him about anything, just anything

30. Here’s one thing I realized when I looked at yours, HE NEVER APOLOGIZES!

31. I can never tell if he’s lying or telling the truth about loving me, but I guess that’s the fun in it, cause I never know.

32. He doesn’t really care if I hang out with his guy friends.

33. He knows he can’t change my immaturity, so he joins me.

34. Omg, he totally loves me.

35. He makes it hard NOT to smile when I think about him.

36. He can make me daydream ALLLLLL day long.

37. He never shows his jealousy for some reason. I don’t even know if he gets jealous.

38. He doesn’t text when he goes offline all of a sudden, or call.

39. In fact, he doesn’t do them at all xD.

40. I realize that I’m nothing without him. My whole life revolves around him. Since the star of last year.

41. He LOVES Mars candy bar.

42. He hates people doing “-.-“ but he does it

43. He loooooves games, shooting games specifically.

44. He can’t live one day without thinking about blue stuff. DO NOT ASK. It’s disgusting.

45. He’s totally in love with his body.

46. He doesn’t like to describe people as “hot” nor does he like people to describe him as “hot”

47. He doesn’t wanna admit that he looks so damn cute in a baju melayu.

48. He gets emotional easily. Well, dulu lah, now not really.

49. Omg, 50 already? LOLOL, okayh umm… He NEVER takes a picture with his face on it. It’s always the side =.=’’

50. He doesn’t like compliments.

51. He thinks I’m beautiful, which is tooooootally a lie.

52. He knows how to calm me down. Something like that.

53. Like yours, he knows to cheer me up and make me feel sooooo much better.

54. If he cares, he doesn’t show it. (did I say that already?)

LOL, I guess that's over now. So, someone out there, I know there are people who read my blog, 'cause you know, you guys tell me so, so like, answer my questions. Because I do not want to be confused anymore. It's hard, and really, really tiring.