Okay, so back to the point. How do you people do it? Letting go of someone who you were sure of going to be yours till the day you die. Letting go of someone who meant the world to you. Letting go of someone you've been through a lot with. Just... how? Could it be because you never really loved that person? Then, the whole "I love you," was a lie? If so, how could you lie to someone about loving them? Doesn't the word, "love" mean anything to you? For someone to love another, it takes a lot of okay, well, I don't know, really. But it's just something that you cannot lie about. You just can't.
Think about it. If you loved this one person will all your heart, and you're in a relationship with him/her, you say, "I love you," meaning it, and the other person reply, but with no feeling at all. How would you feel? Like you've been fooled or something.
I'm not saying that my relationship with that guy (let's call him Dude), was a lie. Because I know it wasn't. Well, at least at first it wasn't. Because there is this one picture, where I can just see it in his eyes, that he was in love. You know when you look at someone's eyes, you can see if it's true or not, their love for you? And then, when you know it's real, it sends you shivers. That's how I felt whenever I looked in his eyes. Before we broke up, I mean.
Wait, wait, didn't I say I wasn't pointing fingers at anyone? =.='' Hm, will someone just tell me, how can you let go of someone so easily? Do you ever had hopes for that someone to tell you that he/she still loves you? Not a lot, just a tiny part in your heart, about 1% of it, hoping that you'll get back together. I'm not saying I'm desperate to get back together with Dude, but it's just well, like I said... I'm curious. Because I know I have a feeling inside of me, just a little bit, because I know he's um, well, let's just say he's moved on, that hopes for him to miss me and want me back.
I honestly do not know what I'm doing. I'm not in love with him anymore. At least, I think I'm not. I don't know, I'm confused. Just.. really confused. And curious. I was sure I wasn't in love with him, at least, until he told me he's moved on and my heart just totally sand and my smile, from laughing out loud watching that funny college guy's videos, turned into a frown. Disappointed look, to be exact. I lost my mood to chat. I just went inside my room and wrote on blank papers.
And today, while being a mannequin for my jubah, I felt tears watering my eyes. My heart was beating fast. And loud. So what am I feeling, actually? No, I do not want Dude back. I don't. Well, just a little bit. That 1% thing I talked about. But just that. I don't want him back, 'cause I know we'll never work out. When I think about it, we have nothing to talk about. Nothing. Much. I don't know. I'm seriously confused.
I remember, that one night, I was really, hyper, back when we were back together. I guess I was waiting for him to go online or something. I was chatting with DD. We were listing facts/reasons about and why we like our guys. i reached till 55, I think, but some of them are repeats.
1. Kinda cute
2. Sweet
3. Makes me laugh
4. Um, I kinda can talk to him for like, two hours and not even notice it, but then it gets bored lah
5. His eyes tell me A LOT
6. He’s very romantic actually
7. He makes me feel so confident, somehow
8. I like the way he chats, not like other guys, cam lame gila
9. I know he’s not the kinda guy who I wish I have, but I know he means well when he tells me I make mistakes
10. He’s tall and I SO DIG tall dudes
11. His hands are soft
12. I somehow sorta kinda sorta like his odour, although I can’t really stand it
13. I find him interesting
14. He talks like he’s such a sweet guy, I mean, his voice, it’s so… sweet, somehow
15. He treats me differently
16. He says stuff to me like it’s nothing, when it means SO MUCH
17. He gets on my nerves, LOL
18. No matter how mad I get at him, I’ll still wanna talk to him
19. He really doesn’t know me xD
20. I kinda sorta think he’s hot/extremelycuuuuuuuute when he’s like, all shy and embarrassed but smiling and looking down.
21. He actually finishes his homework
22. He likes Korean songs
23. And likes to speak in other languages other than English and Malay
24. He’s awesome with pranks
25. He knows my voice too well, like this one time, he called me, and then, I said I was fine, but I was really not, and he could really sense it.
26. He remembers things
27. He talks about us getting married
28. He is sooooo much like a girl, in a guyish way
29. I can talk to him about anything, just anything
30. Here’s one thing I realized when I looked at yours, HE NEVER APOLOGIZES!
31. I can never tell if he’s lying or telling the truth about loving me, but I guess that’s the fun in it, cause I never know.
32. He doesn’t really care if I hang out with his guy friends.
33. He knows he can’t change my immaturity, so he joins me.
34. Omg, he totally loves me.
35. He makes it hard NOT to smile when I think about him.
36. He can make me daydream ALLLLLL day long.
37. He never shows his jealousy for some reason. I don’t even know if he gets jealous.
38. He doesn’t text when he goes offline all of a sudden, or call.
39. In fact, he doesn’t do them at all xD.
40. I realize that I’m nothing without him. My whole life revolves around him. Since the star of last year.
41. He LOVES Mars candy bar.
42. He hates people doing “-.-“ but he does it
43. He loooooves games, shooting games specifically.
44. He can’t live one day without thinking about blue stuff. DO NOT ASK. It’s disgusting.
45. He’s totally in love with his body.
46. He doesn’t like to describe people as “hot” nor does he like people to describe him as “hot”
47. He doesn’t wanna admit that he looks so damn cute in a baju melayu.
48. He gets emotional easily. Well, dulu lah, now not really.
49. Omg, 50 already? LOLOL, okayh umm… He NEVER takes a picture with his face on it. It’s always the side =.=’’
50. He doesn’t like compliments.
51. He thinks I’m beautiful, which is tooooootally a lie.
52. He knows how to calm me down. Something like that.
53. Like yours, he knows to cheer me up and make me feel sooooo much better.
54. If he cares, he doesn’t show it. (did I say that already?)
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