Embarrassment. It's a sick feeling. It burns your face up, makes you go red, and you feel like everyone around you is mocking you, as if you did something so bad, no one could forgive. It makes your heart feel heavy, when you're walking around people. And they say it's okay, that it was nothing that you did wrong, but you just can't seem to believe them. Because you know that it's not.
A friend of mine told my crush that I liked him. I covered her mouth, begging her to not tell him. But it got out, and I gave up. "-My crush's name-, Amilah.." I knew there was no covering up from that. He wasn't dumb. Anyone could have guessed. We made it so obvious that I liked him. Yes, I realize that it was partially my fault, because if I would have just stayed cool, I could have covered it up. I went away to get something from my other friend, but she held it our of reach, so I had to jump to get it. Hugging and laughing with her, it looked like I was having the time of my life, when he said, "Amilah. She's told me." With a smile that I kept falling for, he walked away with his lover.
I sat in silence in my room, thinking about it. I could hear the creaking sound of the fan, doing it's job, circling on the ceiling. I tried to hear music, but it sickened me. I'd rather sit in the quiet. Music does not help. Sure, you can go, "that's how I feel!" but sometimes, it's just better to stay in the quiet. Why did I like him? I had my chance that week in June. I had my fairy tale moment. And I stopped liking him. So why did it have to come back?
You know how we have our dream girl/guy? Well, it felt like he was mine. My dream guy I mean. Not mine mine. Okay, whatever. He had the perfect traits. He was this guy who was funny and charming and sweet and nice and just amazing in every way. He's like one of those guys who are hard to find. Like those guys you read about in teen love stories. It was like he wasn't real. Like he came from my imagination. But I didn't imagine him. He is real. I can see him and I talk to him almost everyday on chat, and when he talks about his girl, that's how I know that he's not a guy I made up in my head. He talks about her like there's no one else better in the whole world. I don't even know what to say next. He's like the guy in Yuna's song, Cinta Sempurna.
I know it's going to be okay. Because it always is. I know that he's cool with it, because that's just the kind of guy he is. And he wouldn't even think about it, because according to my friend who told him, he's known for weeks. But it's not okay now. Not to me, that is. I can't just shake the feeling that I know he knows I like him and still talk to him like nothing happened. If I didn't know that he knew, that was better. I knew I had a feeling that he knew. What is it about instincts that are always right? Well, almost always right.
And I know I have to stop liking him, because what's the point of liking someone who doesn't like you back, right? I do have hope, but when I think about it, it just makes me sound like I'm this pathetic person, who wants a guy who doesn't like me back. Never mind, I'll find someone like you. I wish nothing but the best for you. Besides, I'm still just a kid, right? And this is high school, relationships don't last. Except for those lucky ones.
But what if I don't want to?
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