Getting Over It

I've thought about it. And actually, I don't wanna get over it. I mean, him. I don't wanna get over Haziq. Did I mention that in my last post? If I did, sorry for repeating it. Back to the point, it's true. Really, I do not wanna get over him. I don't wanna let him go. I honestly don't know why. I know it's only been a week, but it felt like months. Really, it has been the longest week ever. One day feels like I've lived for weeks.

Of course, there are other guys in the world, and he's not the best guy there is, but there's just something about him. Whenever I see him, I get weak in the knees, my nervous system explodes, my lips turn into a smile and I just can't help it. It's like, he glows or something. When I look at other guys, they're just... blah. I don't mean that in a bad way, they just don't have something that gets me going, like he does. When he comes near me, I just can't help the way I act. I'd be shooting out words, without even thinking. I'd stop pacing back and forth, 'cause I just can't move. Maybe it's just a silly crush. Maybe I'm just overreacting. Maybe this whole thing is just a dream. *Pinches self* Ouch! Okay, it's not a dream. I'm really, seriously, in love with him.

Raihah was right. I do want him back. But, the problem is, this guy, a friend of his said that he got over me already. If that is true, there is no way we could be together. I don't know why I feel like this. Why do I still love him? Why is it that this is what I want, when God knows what he feels about me. Now I think I sound like a crazy person, being so crazy in love with someone who doesn't feel the same way back. I've been thinking. And I feel so stupid for asking that question about maybe we shouldn't be together anymore, 'cause if I'd just stop trying to prove myself right and just said sorry and promised to be a better person, this whole thing wouldn't have happened. I wouldn't be so sad, thinking about what we've gone through with each other over the past few months. I wouldn't feel guilty about how I ruined our relationship. I wouldn't be writing this post which from my point of view, makes me sound really pathetic and desperate. I wish I wasn't so stubborn and be a little bit more matured. And I wish I wasn't so selfish and a hot-head. 'Cause if it wasn't for my selfishness, he wouldn't have been mad, 'cause I wouldn't have shown him the middle finger, which somehow, caused all this. And if it wasn't for my temper, he'd cool down right then and there. But because I have a temper, the thing got worse and it got us where we are now. It got me where I am now. Sad and alone (minus friends).

Tell me why you're so hard to forget. Don't remind me, I'm not over it. Tell me why I can't seem to face the truth. I'm just a little too not over you. Not over you. Memories, supposed to fade. What's wrong with my heart? Shake it off, let it go. Didn't think it'd be this hard. Should be strong, movin' on. But I see you. Sometimes I try to hide. What I feel inside. Maybe I regret everything I said, No way to take it all back, yeah, Now I'm on my own. How I let you go, I'll never understand.

I went into 1 Maju, my old class, when I stayed back on Thursday. I thought, it could bring me a smile, since we had so many happy memories in there. But when I did, all I could think of was, how Haziq carried me in his arms from the back of the class to the front and kissed me on the cheeks. And how, on the 26th of June, I was fighting him for his phone, and somebody took a picture of us, and it looked like we were proposing. I remembered the whole setting, where the chairs were put, how many people there were... All of it. And it didn't make me smile, it only made my condition worse. I ran out of the class, 'cause I just couldn't take it anymore. The memories kept spinning in my head, haunting me.

I've tried everything, honestly. Well, almost everything. I've tried eating sugar, to make me hyper and forget about all those stuff. It worked, for the first 10 seconds. I've tried concentrating on the board, when the teacher is teaching, but I couldn't, because I'd get bored and I'd end up staring into space, thinking about him. Everything I see, even if it doesn't bring the slightest bit reminder of him, it'll remind me of him. Somehow. Like, if I see a bottle, it'd remind me of his, and that would remind me of him. And it goes on and on. I've tried avoiding him, well, for a day or two, but it just makes me think of him more, 'cause I just can't wait till the time he'll talk to me.

Oh my God, I sound so desperate. Why? Why is it so hard to get over him? Why don't I want to get over him? What makes him so special? Why does my heart wants him? Why must I stare into space and think back about the memories? Why does everything remind me of him? I know it takes time to get over him, but I don't think loving him all over again is part of getting over it.

I just... I don't want us to never speak again. I don't want to ... you know what? This is stupid. Urgh, I hate myself for ever letting myself fall back in love with him. I hate myself for not being able to get over him. It's like, when we were together, I had this whole vision of us being together forever. But I guess that's over now. I just don't know what I'll feel like if he announces that he has a new girlfriend.

Okay, let it go. Let. It. Go. Somebody out there, if you're reading to my crap over here, please tell me what to do. I mean, just give me a suggestion, because I feel so bad right now. I hope I'll look at him differently when I see him in school 7 hours later. I hope I won't have feelings for him anymore, 'cause I guess we're just not meant to be together. I wanna believe that there's hope, but, I don't know. Sounds so pathetic.

And I feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe
And I keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are
Hope it's nice where you are

And I hope the sun shines
And it's a beautiful day
And something reminds you
You wish you had stayed
You can plan for a change in weather and town
But I never planned on you changing your mind

So I'll go sit on the floor
Wearing your clothes
All that I know is that
I don't know how to be something you miss
Never thought we'd have a last kiss
Never imagined we'd end like this
Your name, forever the name on my lips

Just like our last kiss
Forever the name on my lips