Broken Hearted

My chest hurts. I feel incomplete. I think my heart's breaking. It just hurts so much. I don't know what to think. I can't think straight. All I can do is focus on my aching heart. It feels like somebody's stabbing my heart with a knife, from a perfectly good shape to broken pieces. The surrounding's suddenly warmer than it was before. My emotions suddenly turned. Time stopped. Back to December was playing on the radio.

It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you, wishing I'd realize what I had when you were mine...
I'd go back to December turn around and make it all right, I'd go back to December all the time.

Listening to that song, it's kinda really sad. I can still hear his words. "That song brings a lot of memories." Oh my God, I really just want things to be just the way they were. Sometimes, I'd lay down and imagine how it'd be if we were still together. I still feel my heart beating faster when he's around. I still smile when I see his pictures. Only, it's not the kind of smile that says, I'm-glad-to-be-your-one-and-only. It's the kind of smile where when people look at it, they'd think it's insincere. It's not a genuine smile. It's a weak smile, 'cause I realize all of the things I won't get to say and the I love yous that won't be heard anymore. When I look at my reflection in my bathroom mirror, I can see the sadness in my eyes. Even when I try to smile, it doesn't work. Doesn't matter the look on my face, however it is, if I smile, I don't feel that it's real, 'cause of the sadness inside.

Yes, sometimes, just for one minute, I forget about it, but it comes back. It's not that I don't try, 'cause I really do try. I tried to just put it at the back of my mind, and joke around with my friends, but then, I start to remember how he used to come to where we always hang out during recess everyday. How he had that look on his face when he talked about something that's big. How he talked like a little kid. How he laughed. All that. Those things that will just be memories in my head from now on. I stare at the staircase sometimes, to watch him as he climbs up, to go to his class. To see his face, even from the side. How cute he looked in his baju Melayu. After the national anthem, I look up, to see him one last time, before I start the day. Oh God, this is sad.

What happened to making up and working it out? What happened to "Your name's engraved on my heart"? What happened to "I'm crazy over YOU"? What happened to "When we get married..."? What happened to believing we'd be together forever? Seriously, what happened to all of that? If your answer is sometimes things don't go as planned, don't tell me. I've heard of it millions of times already. (No offense, DD) I know it's true, but it just sucks, you know?

You got a piece of me, and honestly,
my life would suck, without you.
Maybe I was stupid, for telling you goodbye,
maybe I was wrong for trying to pick a fight,
I know I've got issues, but you're pretty messed up too
Either way I found out, I'm nothing without you.
Being with you is so disfunctional,
I really shouldn't miss you, but I can't let you go.

I don't know why I'm still writing all of these sad posts. They'll just make my condition worse. Plus, they make my friends sad, reading all of my sadness. They're just making people's lives miserable, trying to find a way to make me happy. It's not that I want to put them through all this, but I'm just sad, okay? I'm just sad. I tried not to tell them anything. I tried to look happy. But when I start thinking and staring into space, my face just looks blank and sad. I can't help the way I feel, okay? So, I'm sorry to put you guys through all the trouble of trying to make me happy. It's not really something you can change just like that. It's something that takes days and weeks. Months even. Time heals.

I heard something and I kinda feel that it relates to me.

I'm not a perfect person, there's many things I wish I didn't do, but I continue learning, I never meant to do those things to you, and so I have to say before I go, that I just want you to know, I've found the reason for me, to change who I used to be, a reason to start over new, and the reason is you. I'm sorry that I hurt you, it's something I must live with everyday, and all the pain I put you through, I wish I could take it all away, and be the one who catches all your tears.

I think I'll follow this song. I'll change who I used to be, 'cause you see, I was this really bad person. Well, according to some people. Yes, I'm gonna change and the reason is you, even though I know I can't have you back, 'cause it's just not meant to be or whatever. But whatever it is, I'm still changing for you, Haziq. 'Cause you know, what you said, even though they really bite, they're still true. And yeah, I better start changing, before I make things worse.

Okay, I'm gonna sleep, before I feel my heart breaking again. I seriously so wish I was older.

P/S: Sorry for the Itallic thingy, I can't change it =.=''