2010

2010. What can you say about 2010? For me, I can say A LOT. But it's indescribable. Because, this year, it has been an interesting yet amazing journey. Of course, there had been rough times, but hey, is there any year that doesn't have any of those? But I could say that this year, it was extreme. The fun was extreme and the "rough times" were extreme. I guess, for me, it's an extreme year. I can't say extremely fun year, cause it wasn't all fun. Nor can I say it was an extremely miserable year, because it wasn't. There were just some parts that were .. well, not as I planned (duh! Who'd plan bad things in their lives?).

I started the year as a whole different person as I am now. When I think about it now, I kind of think, I was lifeless. And I was not very appreciative. Okay, okay, I was not appreciative at all. Happy? I didn't appreciate what class I was in. I didn't appreciate my 100 ringgit phone bill limit. I didn't appreciate what I had. And worst of all, I didn't appreciate my friends. I wanted more. I wanted popularity. I was ready to give up my real friends for someone that I can never be. I wanted to be those girls who seem so awesome. I didn't realize that my friends now were the awesome ones (Forgive me for saying this. We all have different points of view, right?). And I was so lifeless, that I was friends with this one girl who made me feel like I'm her sidekick. Okay, maybe that's not nice, but, yeah. On the phone, she was the one talking while I was just listening. And making one or two comments. (Just for the record, this is not counted as backstabbing. I'm just stating on how stupid and lifeless I was, okay? Don't get offended if you happen to be.) But, she was my best friend. I guess, I couldn't blame her, right? I was also a person in denial. I don't think I need to explain that, do I?

And then, the fight.

Between me and my used-to-be-best-friend. She told me the whole story about her boyfriend being a jerk to her. Not being loyal and telling her big news about their relationship on a piece of paper as if it was a joke. She was cursing him so badly at that time, and I couldn't just stand there, hearing her cursing him, because he was also my friend. So, I did something. Something bad. I told her that she can't control somebody's heart, telling him not to like somebody and all that. If you were me, or somehow in that position I was in, you'd do things differently, am I right? Because you should. No matter how wrong that person is, if she/he is your best friend, you have to be on her side. If he/she is wrong, tell her the right thing, but still be on her side, okay? I took a wrong step at that flight of stairs, and just like that, I fell to the bottom. (I know, I'm crapping, aren't I? It makes sense, somehow.)

I read the back blog posts my used-to-be-best-friend wrote, back when we were fighting. And reading them back, I feel really guilty. Seriously, I was a bad person. Try reading them at her blog site, http://cookie-97.blogspot.com/2010_05_01_archive.html. And there's another one on one of the April posts. Don't mind reading the comments. They're crap, kinda. I can't even bear to read the blog posts till the end anymore.

I don't even recognize that person who she wrote about. Was that really me? Was I that bad of a person? Was I hurting more than one person? Was I really that pathetic? Was I even conscious at that time? Did I really do all that? See? Even I myself wouldn't wanna be near to that person, let alone be friends with her.

But then, before the fight, there were times when we had fun. Like the marching practices. The last few days were amazing. I made new friends, and I got along with them. I do sometimes feel guilty that, I was being unfair to my old ones. But we did had fun. And I didn't really know if they'd wanna join or not. Oh well. Can't change the past.

And, the Sports Day. That was fun. Only, I was mad at Lily, and complaining about her to Zafirah for the whole of the event. Sorry, Lily! Our marching squad got second place, so, I guess you could say that we were so happy, it was almost as we'd achieved VICTORY!

Then came.. Teacher's Day. Since 16th May landed on a Sunday, the celebration was on the 17th, which was also Haziq's birthday. We had to be in the hall to listen to teachers' speeches. But me and my friends ended up taking weird pictures instead. I gave him a game or something for his birthday. LOL. I remember that I keep bribing him with it. I was chasing Lutfil, because he hacked into my account, and I asked Haziq to help me. If he didn't, I'd take back the game. Haha, yeah. That day was still one of the days that I haven't changed to the person I am now. Turned out to be one of the best days of my life.

For the next few months, I received frowns from people I'd hurt. Those frowns made the pretty people they are, ugly. And I got mad. I don't know why, I just did. I didn't really know at who. At myself, or at those people for not letting it go. Truth is, I myself didn't let it go just yet. But of course, all I did was criticize, saying that people were this and that.

With the help of some of my closest friends, I turned out to be a good person. Or at least I thought I was. Well, I thought I was because I let it go already, I didn't care of what they think. Because I stopped doing all those things I did, but not because I became a nicer person. Because I wasn't. I still talked about those people. And as you can guess, no, I did not talk "good" about them.

That time, I still didn't care of my grades. It was all, whatever to me. For me (that time), it was weird to see everyone stressing out about them. They were like, "Omigosh, I'm gonna fail!!" I'd be thinking, "Who cares?" But I acted like I cared. You know, by saying stuff like they do. I guess, at that time, all I could think was, "I failed once. No way am I gonna succeed anytime soon." LOL, immaturity.

On the Saturday of the mid-terms break, I went with Raihah and Lily to do some charity work at Denai Alam or something. Turns out, Irina was there too. We helped... at first. But when we got along later on, we started to just sit and eat. Raihah made me try out the lamb, because I said I hated lamb. Lamb, with gravy sauce, turned out pretty good. LOL. But I prefer chicken. Then, we just walked here and there, view the horses at their stables, took pictures and well... I guess you could say we stopped helping. Hehe. Ice-creams (popsicles) were free, so we took as many as we can take. Sugar rush! We fooled around in this one room, while blowing balloons. Lots of them popped xD. Found a trampoline and played there for the rest of the event. We got sweaty, really. But it was so much fun! I so wish I could relive that day.

After a while, I found out that I got a little crush on Haziq. I thought about it, and it's like he's been in my heart since the day I got close to him. Explained all the heart beats and all that. I didn't wanna admit it, because, that time, he was known as the "Big Headed Alien". And it would be all weird, 'cause we were best friends and like... you know, weird. Just too weird. And I couldn't possibly tell him, right?

Later on, Shania told him that I was madly in love with him -.-''. So much for keeping secrets. You know what happened then.
My birthday came. I was thirteen. You'd think I'd have let go of my immaturity, right? But no, I wasn't ready. Hey, you can only be a kid once. And as long as you can be one, enjoy it. I don't wanna be like some of those mature people. They're so boring. All they do is criticize on fun games and say that we, immature kids can't do anything right. Okay, maybe not. But sometimes they do. And yeah, yeah, they do more than just that. Haha, then, there was that moment when Lisa wished me a Happy Birthday in that so-very-fake tone and I thought it ruined my whole birthday, when it didn't, really. I was just thinking it that way. I don't know. Now, I think, that time, her opinion still matters. Well, it still does. Everybody's do, just not as important as some people.

After my sister came back from UK, my maid left for the holidays. Two weeks without a maid is kinda hard. (Well, if you're a spoiled brat like me, that is.) I had to iron my clothes by myself and wash the dishes and make up the bed and all that. I didn't even wash my shoes for that week. Thank God they weren't THAT dirty. My sister was a lot of help, though. The older one. The younger one, I wish! The cooking part, we just went out on most nights, I think.

Raya came. Me and my family were in the UK for our holidays. Well, that and my dad had a little work over there. We spent the whole Raya there. So, as you may guess, I didn't get as much money. But it was fun, so it didn't really matter. We had an awesome (and cheap) apartment in London, which had a view of Hyde Park AND about 100 satellite channels! On Raya night, we had an "open house" at this one service apartment. It was amazing! And it was also last minute, so thank God. It wasn't much as an open house, just a little gathering with a few of my sister's friends and juniors and cousin. And his friends. I think that's all. We visited Edinburgh castle when we went to Scotland. The journey up the castle was fun. The castle was like any other castle in England. Same old, same old. But it was nice to see the crowns and dungeons and ballrooms and other castle parts. Then (or maybe before Scotland), we went to Newcastle. Newcastle was BEAUTIFUL! Lights everywhere at night. Bridges, buildings. WOW! And the fact that we stayed in Hilton made it an even better stay. And the rooms were overlooking the beautiful city. When we got back to London, it was just shopping all the way! We even shopped till we dropped!

My mom threw an open house for her staffs on one Saturday, and she said I could invite my friends to come also. When they came, it was loud and crazy. We even sprayed whipped cream on each other. I got whipped cream on my outer lips (?), which made me look like I have a beard. LOL. I am NOT showing you that picture. Too funny. The party lasted at about 11.30 PM. It was a fun night. There was even a fight between me and my sister. Yes, in front of all my friends that were there.

Finals were near. Even I, the one who never cared about any exams, cared. I studied my butt off. Well, with an hour of Facebook or two a day. Hehe. But seriously, I studied. Not lying this time! Okay, maaaaaybe I didn't really get EVERYTHING in my head, but who does? Along the way, I found out that some subjects, such as History and Agama are kind of fun subjects. The teachers just didn't know how to make it fun. Geography, well, the syllabus is all wrong. They should make it a little bit more fun. Nobody can learn while sleeping, can they? No matter how "mature" they are. Try and prove me wrong. I'd like to see SOMEBODY studying those books without yawning every now and then.

The exam wasn't really that hard. I mean, others were easier. Maybe 'cause I studied?

I had SO much plans for my holidays. Writing on my blog, chatting with friends, hanging out, putting pictures in albums, and so on. But then, it looked like the time wasn't enough for me. With all the homework and holiday trips. I had a couple of days with my cousin at their house. It was awesome! We played this and that, swam in the pool, and took lots of pictures. We tried one with the background, but it failed, so, too bad for us. I was kinda sad when I had to leave, 'cause it was so much fun, I didn't wanna go home just yet.

The trip to China wasn't really fun, as expected. I didn't even wanna go, but I would never pass a chance to be in an airplane. We were lucky. We got upgraded to business class on the plane to China. But I slept all the way, while my family members (including uncle and aunt and cousin) had Haagen Dazs for dessert :(. There was this steward who complimented me 'cause I read a book while the plane was taking off and did my homework after I woke up. He even gave me some muffins, 'cause I didn't eat. I like him. The food in China was good. Only some were bad. The first lunch we had was a disaster. I had a couple of the best nights there. I shared a room with my mom's student (they had a conference), and one night, we talked until 4 in the morning. It was amazing how we connected. In the other city, we went to the zoo and saw the panda. But it was dirty, so... But we did see it drink, poop and pee and eat the bamboo shoots. LOL.

And since the China trip, I've changed. ALL because of a book called, Life is an Open Secret: Think About It, by Zabrina A. Bakar. It held the most amazing secrets in life anyone could ever think of. You should read it. It may bring something to you.

So, as I said. 2010 is indescribable. There were times where it's good, and times where it's bad. But it has really been an AMAZING year. All thanks to these people, Raihah, the two Dinas, Izyan, Lily, Malik, Zafirah, Sonia, Sarah Nur Izzati, Jin Zhe, Haziq, Lutfil, Lily, Lisa, Hidayah, Taqi and Imran. And my teachers, of course. I know that only SOME of you might see this, but thanks for making my year. You guys are the best.

Personally, I don't think 2011 is gonna be as awesome as 2010, but then again, how am I supposed to know? Life is full of surprises, right? Just have to wait and see.

How Do You Know When You're Making the Right Decision?

Notice the question up there? Well, do you know? 'Cause I've been kinda having trouble making my own decisions :\. I know, pathetic. One should make one's own decision, right? 'Cause he/she knows him/her the best. I mean, asking somebody to make your decisions for you... it just makes you a failure. If you can't even make your own decisions, how qualified are you to achieve anything else? One simple task. And it's about you. If you can't do it, surely everything else you do will fail. Am I right?

Well, my problem is, I can make my own decisions. I just need somebody's points of view first, because, I'm an inexperienced person, and shouldn't people help people in need?
Yeah, thing is, I'm not somebody in need.
My mind just can't work out what I need to do. Or what I should do. Or what I want :\.
Pathetic, isn't it?

But a few minutes ago, just a few minutes ago, I wrote a message to my ex-best friend, apologizing about what I did to her for the last few months. Yes, I've wrote a blog post about that, but I don't think she'll read it. Who am I anyway? I mean, she's on a way higher level than I am.
I know, humans have the same level, but, in this case, I don't think so. I mean, who cares if you're rich and pretty? It's your values that counts, right? And do I have any of those?

Well, that message took a lot of courage. I've been thinking about that message for two or three days. I didn't have the courage at first, so I wrote it on my blog, you know, so, I can get courage? 'Cause, as my friend once told me, a blog is a public space. And if more people see how bad I was, and am (maybe), I can handle one person? But of course, she's on a higher level, and to reach on her level... well, let's just say, I'm not qualified.

Oh my God.
I just realized something. If I'm not qualified to be on her level, which is just a few steps onwards, how will I be qualified to enter Paradise? You know, the place we all wanna be in the Hereafter.

I just have to pray that my message was enough. Because, really, there's no going back.

Think about it. If you've walked until almost the end of your destination, but then, you chickened out, would you go all the way back? No, right?

Zabrina A. Bakar once told me a secret. It was to 'Aim and Strive' . And I should do that, because it's worth it. Even if she doesn't forgive me, right? It's worth it.

Whenever you're stuck in making a decision, a life-changing one, just give yourself time to think about it, and then, when you've made your decision, but at the last second, you chickened out, just tell yourself it's worth it. Or you know, just list the advantages and disadvantages. That's an easy way, right? But for me, I guess the, "It's worth it" thing works best.

Trust me, I didn't write this for fun. I didn't even know how to solve this problem at first, honest! I don't know how I got this far, and the answer to my question.

Oh wait, the answer! I'm sorry, I must have forgotten. Silly me!

Truth is, you can never know the answer. Because it's all in God's hands. Whatever happens to you is in His hands. You can't change that. Whatever decision you made, it's gonna happen anyway. And one more thing I learned from Zabrina's book is that, if you say, "If only I...." that's the devil speaking to you and it's a sin. I think. Point is, you can't change the fact what's already planned out for you in life. You don't know what's gonna happen to you in life later on. You don't even know if you're gonna live tomorrow, do you? So, yeah. You can never know the answer.

As my friend once said,

It's all a matter of time.

Hear Me Out

Lisa (or anybody I might have hurt these past few months or years or days or hours), if you happen to be reading this, I want to say something. I know, all of a sudden. But, actually, not really. It may be a long time already since we fought, but I'm still kind of feeling guilty about you not forgiving me. Even if you did, I don't really, you know.. Well, I think it's halfhearted. So, I'm guessing you're cursing me now? For saying things I don't know?

Okay, here goes...

I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry for not supporting you that time, after what you've gone through. After you went through all that trouble of picking up the phone and telling me the whole story, and I supported the opposing side, instead of you. I'm sorry. I know I should have supported you, because you were my best friend and he was just another person to me at that time. And from what I learn, friends should stick by friends, and I didn't do that. I did the other thing. I get it why you got mad at me. And then, after all that, I embarrassed you in front of a LOT of people. Even I'd get mad at myself if I were in your position. I'm sorry for that and everything else I did wrong to you. And for saying that you were snobby :\. Yeaaaaah, that one was a mistake, cause I didn't realize that if I didn't join the marching squad, I wouldn't have known her either. I guess I just wanted to fit in. You know, be more like you. You were like my role model. You were smart, talkative, not afraid to say what you feel, and all those things. I was like, your sidekick. The one to listen to your problems and tell you what I think, comments. Okay, so, I'm sorry for doing that. I was lifeless. I wanted a life, I guess. And, I'm sorry for backstabbing you, calling you names, laughing at you, etc. I was a REALLY BAD person. And I wanna change.

And I can't do that if you don't forgive me for real.

You see, I'm apologizing so much all of a sudden is because I read this one book; Life is an Open Secret: Think About It by Zabrina A. Bakar. She wrote what made me thought about you, "Ahmad Zarruq once said,

If you desire to live such that your religion is safe and your portion is full and your honor is sound, guard your tongue, and never mention another's faults, remembering that you, yourself, have faults and others have tongues."

And a story that goes with it, about a kindergarten teacher and her experiment. In that story, her experiment was about breaking an egg and asking her students to find a way put the eggshells back together.

And you know the answer, right?

You can't put back the eggshells together. So, yeah. Like I said, I can't take back what I said, so from now, I guess I should really control what I say. But I can apologize. And I did.

Here it goes again.

I'm sorry, Lisa, for doing all those things to you.

And again, this isn't just for Lisa, even though I only described what I did to her. This is for everybody that I've hurt for the past few whatever. I'm sorry. I might not know it, but there might be, so, I'm just apologizing. I'm sorry. I hope you'll forgive me.

For real this time, okay? If you don't want to, it's okay.

And I'd really like it if we're friends again. Not best friends. Just friends. I don't really fit in with you, if you haven't noticed. So.. What do you say? Friends?

Results :O

I got my results yesterday o.o. I raced downstairs, as soon as I heard my friend, Dina, got it. When I saw my name on the envelope, my heart skipped a beat. "AAAAAHHH!! RESULTSSSSS ! OMYGODOMYGODOMYGODDDD!!" It was the only thing I could process on my mind that time.My heart beating faster, I opened the envelope. I GOT A FREAKING NUMBER SIX ! WOOOOOTS!!!!! I HAVE IMPROVED SO MUCH!! AND NUMBER 51 IN THE WHOLE FORM! OMYGODDDDD!!!

I was amazed and proud of myself. Of course, I didn't do as good as Dina, but still, I WAS AWESOME! I've achieved A LOT. 7A's, 3B's, 2C's. That's average, right? Next year, I'm gonna try to get AT LEAST 8A's and no C's or D's or E's. I wanna try to beat Raihah or Dina or Double D. LOL. Before this, I was the least smart people in our group. Let's just say... I was the one who got the lowest marks in "the group". AND NOW I'M NOT ANYMOREEEEE ! Which is awesomeee! I used to get not more than 5A's, and now, it's 7A's, 3B's AND 2C's BABEYH! Life is just getting good for me.

I'm still lazy to do my homework, though.

But then, when I talked to Haziq that night, he said he got 5A's, a 3.09 GPA (mine's 3.58) but his number in the whole form is 36. I didn't get it. I mean, I got higher, shouldn't my number be higher than him? And his number is like, 15 higher than mine. AND HE GOT LOWER FOR GOD'S SAKES ! If it was like, 2 or something, then, that would probably be okay. Well, not really. But it's better than a FIFTEEN ! It's so unfair. His grades are lower, his GPA is lower, BUT HE GOT HIGHER THAN ME. I started to think that maybe the teachers were picking favorites, you know, since I'm in the upstairs class, and he's in one of the downstairs'. But that is unfair. They can't do that. Every student to them are supposed to be equal.

I told my mom. About the favorites thing and all, and she just said I was being silly. Well, something like that -.-''. Why won't people believe me?

I got all mad and complained at several people about it, but all they said was, "Maybe his A's are higher," or "The number doesn't matter, the A's matter," or "Just be thankful. At least you got number 51, right?" GOSH ! IT'S STILL SO UNFAIR ! But then, I realized, I couldn't do anything about it. How much I opposed, it's already been typed, and who am I to say anything about it? It's just, I don't know, I guess, not worth it? Maybe if it's gonna happen 3 or 4 more times, I'll complain :|.

Right now, I should just be thankful with my grades, even if it's not as good as anybody else's.

Horror Movies

Last night, at my cousin's (still there), I watched Saw III, with her by my side, playing Sims and occasionally watching with me. IT WAS DAMN SCARY, DUDES ! EVEN THE STARTING WAS LIKE HELL ! This guy, he woke up in a dark room, with blood, feet, intestines, and body parts scattered everywhere. He was locked up in a chain, and had to cut his foot to free himself. Like, WHAT THE HECK?!

The story was mainly about this woman and her husband. They were in a complicated situation in their marriage. This woman was kidnapped at the hospital she worked in, and this man? I don't know. The woman was required to help and old man, who was the person who set up the "game". He had a brain tumor, and his daughter and him refused to get him to the hospital. The daughter put something like a neck blower upper ? I don't know what it's called. But, when the old man's heart stop beating, she blows up. So, she HAD to help him. The husband, he was trapped in a box. He had get his way out and follow the instructions to get out of that place. The first stage was getting this naked woman, who was in an ice room out. She was one of the people who were there when his son died. Don't ask. I don't really get it. Anyway, she just stood there when his son died, so, this man, had to make a choice, whether to help her or something, I don't remember. When he got to help her, she was already dead. Yikes :|.

The second stage was when he met with this one guy, a lawyer, I think. He was trapped in an empty tank, which soon was filled with crushed pigs. EW! He had to choose between the guy or his son's belongings. He had to burn his son's belongings to get the key to save that man. IT WAS HORRIBLE ! I felt like I wanted to puke.

The last one was when he met with the guy who killed his son. That man died. I DON'T WANNA REMEMBER ANYMORE ! EVERYBODY DIED IN THE END ! DEAD, DEAD, DEAD ! Watch it for yourselves if you don't believe me. There was this one scene, where this woman's skin was ripped off :\. And this man, rings and chains were poked into his skin, and in order to get out, he had to pull them off. Ouch! There was even one in his chin.

Horror movies can really get you to scream at the top of your lungs. Violence is scary, but they don't haunt you. Ghosts. Ghosts haunts you. If you are a scaredy cat that is. Sometimes, even a show that was a few years ago still haunts me. I know, lame. Some people, they enjoy horror. I don't. But sometimes, it's good to watch them. It sorts of make you realize things. Like Saw, it made me realize that I don't wanna die just yet. And the hair pulling, punches, kicks, they are all just give minor injuries and you are not exactly tortured.

Teasing People

Okay, just cut it! CUT THE CRAP ALREADY! What the heck is wrong with you people and talking like that? I mean, I know you don't like us upstairs "Kampung People", but SERIOUSLY?! DO YOU HAVE TO BE LIKE THAT?! A few months ago, YOU were the ones who told me that I can't be like that. AND NOW YOU ARE?! Who the hell ARE you people to say that I can't do this and that, but YOU do it? You say what I did hurt your feelings, but what about what YOU do now? Doesn't it hurt any of the people who really talk like that?

I know, I know. Why should I be the one saying all this? It's not like I'm any one of them, BUT SERIOUSLY ! COME ON LA ! Anybody can speak for anybody! You wanna ask me why I'm the one offended, well, it's cause you describe me as one of them, so, I guess I am one of them, and yeah, I guess you could guess why now, huh? It doesn't matter who you are, in the lowest or the highest position, you have NO RIGHT to tease people! Especially not in public places such as facebook! You can do it among yourselves where people who get hurt can't see you. At least you'd get backstabbed less. You can do it at school, but where people you want to tease can't see you. But on facebook? That's just low. Even for you guys.

If you wanna say that maybe you just started talking like that? Yeah right. First, you criticize all the people who talk like that, now you're doing it? As if. Puh-lease! PEOPLE ARE WAY SMARTER THAN THAT ! You can't just say that you're the only smart ones and all that, and that people who actually talk like that won't know if it was a tease or you're really talking like that.

No, I am not saying that you can't tease those people. For all I know, we tease you whenever you walk past by. You can tease them. Who am I to say you can't tease them? It's just that, you CAN'T TEASE THEM IN PUBLIC PLACES WHERE THEY CAN SEE YOU ! Try it if you were in there position! Your cheeks would burn in embarrassment, wouldn't they? You would feel embarrassed to talk like that, since people are teasing you with it. Come on, think la. You guys are better talking like 5-year old kids, even if they are annoying, than hurting people.

You know, you wanna say that I'm just the same, well, that's not really true. Because you know what? At least I know I'm hurting you. Do you know that you're hurting them? I know what I do is wrong, even if it's just for fun. Do you? I know when I should stop. Do you? Defend yourselves all you want. You just can't take back what you did and how many people you've hurt.

Writing

On the 19th of November, the New South Wales candidates got their certificates, including me. I was sort of happy to get it, but then, when I looked at what I got, I was crushed. I failed. In English and Writing! I mean, English is like, my favorite subject and writing is my favorite part of English. And I failed.

Okay, my writing wasn't THAT bad. I did get credit. But it was just credit! I want more. I mean, it's writing. I love writing. It's like talking to myself. Okay, maybe I don't like and am not so good at writing things according to their themes. Maybe I like to write whatever is on my mind. But so what? There was not theme in that essay. I could have written about anything. I just have to include a few things that are necessary. So, it was actually easy. I wrote about a masquerade ball, where this rich man needed to get home to his sick son, but he lost his car keys and couldn't find it. I got stuck there. I guess that was what made the score equals to (only) credit. *sigh* I got the same score as Ashvin. Curse him -.-''.

My English was REALLY BAD! I got participation. (LOL) Participation? Really? I have to admit, it's kind of really funny now. It was kind of sad to find out about it in the first place, but now, who cares? They're MY marks. What should I be ashamed of? It's not like they are anybody's to matter, right? So, yeah, whatever. The paper was hard anyway. I couldn't have possibly passed. I'm not so smart anyway. So, what do you expect? When life gives you disappointment, just laugh it off. It's way better than stressing and being sad about it.

Haziq told me that Lisa got High Distinction for writing. I admit. I was a little bit jealous. But as I said, they are way smarter than me and they know really complicated words which I've never heard of. And so what? I'm just thirteen. There will be plenty of time for me to practice my writing. Being good at something doesn't mean that you're all that. It's not being good at something that makes you all that. Whatever that is. 'Cause you get to live the moments of not being good at something. I know. Sounds complicated and like it doesn't make sense. But if it can make sense in my head, I'm sure it can in yours. Seriously, think about it. What fun would it be if you are already good at something? You don't have to live the not-good part.

Writer Cyril Conolly quote, "It's better to write for yourself and have no public than to write for the public and have no self". And it's true. What good would it be if you write for someone else and not yourself? Write for your pleasure, not others.

Cousins

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW BORING FAMILY REUNIONS ARE WITHOUT COUSINS TO HANG OUT WITH?! I'll tell you how boring it is. IT'S REALLY REALLY A HUNDRED TIMES BORING ! Sometimes, when you stay at a relative's house, without a cousin you can really relate to, it feels like you've been there for a million years when it had only been a few minutes.

Cousins are an important part of our lives. Well, except if your parents' are an only child, then you'd probably won't have cousins. But anyway, when you do have cousins, and when you are really close to them, if you miss the one week of not seeing them, you'd feel like some part of you is missing, since you always visit them every week. Or the other way around. Well, I do. Maybe not all your cousins. Just the ones you are really close to. I get that some people are loners and when their cousins come 'round, they don't even bother to greet their cousins. But, I'm telling you, you're missing a BIG part of your lives. Because cousins are amazing.

The other day, on Raya Haji, I went to visit my "long-lost" cousins. Okay, maybe they are NOT so "long-lost". I just don't see them often. It's been about three years or so since our last visit. So, as you can guess, we're not really close. They're old anyway. That was the time, I realized that I really really miss my cousins that are in Australia. It felt like the family reunion wasn't completed. And it was SO BORING ! You cannot imagine how much I missed them and how bored I was at the moment!

So, now I know that cousins are an important part of my life/our lives. On every 24th of July, we should celebrate cousins' day. Or if you don't celebrate it (not that I do), you should at least be thankful that you have a cousin or cousins that you can relate to.

Love

Love. What is love? How do you explain love? From what I heard, love is about letting go. Sacrificing what you have for your loved ones. But think again. Do we have to sacrifice what we have for our loved ones? Let's say he wants to kiss you. In public. Would you want to do that? As Muslims, we can't do that. So, it will be like taking your dignity away. Embarrassment. Guilt. Won't you feel that way if you were in that position? So, is that what love means?

Love is unconditional. To love someone, you must love them unconditionally. Or it's not love. Loving somebody unconditionally means that you love them just the way they are. Even if she's a whore. Even if he's a jerk. Even if she humiliates you in public. Even if he cuts all your credit cards.

People change often. Into a better person. Into a worse person. Who knows what the future holds. To love someone unconditionally, you have to love them no matter what they do. Even if you disagree with it. To love someone unconditionally means to love someone no matter how they look like. Ugly, pretty, cute, handsome. Love isn't about needs. You don't need that person to be rich and gorgeous and down to earth to love him/her. If you love somebody that's arrogant and ugly and snobby, without getting sick of what he/she does, then you are loving him/her unconditionally.

Love in not about fear. It's not about jealousy. It's not about possessiveness. Love is not about lust. It's not expecting him/her to be like you want him/her to be. No matter how ugly that person really is, inside and outside, and you don't mind what she/he does, then, that is love. That is what love really means. That is how you love somebody.

Truth is, nobody can tell you what love really is. So, to love somebody, you have to forget everything you learned about it. Because love is spontaneous. It happens just like that. Like magic. You never know when you're gonna love somebody. Sometimes, in a blink of an eye, you see an angel right in front of you and you feel that tingle in your heart and butterflies in your stomach and your whole world just lit up and you feel like you are the only two people left in the world. Sometimes, you don't know what you're getting yourself into. 'Cause when you're in love, you do crazy things. You scream at things he does even if it's just a small thing. You melt when he compliments you. You feel like you're, I don't know. The only girl in the world I guess.

Ever seen the movie, My Sassy Girl? Well, that movie explains a lot about love. He's mature. She's immature. He's responsible. She's out of control. He's focused. She's fun. He's sophisticated. She's wild. See how different they are from each other? Surely the guy would want a girl just like him. But no. He loves the girl who drives him nuts. Who made him do illegal things. Who brings up a whole other side of him. And he has never asked her to change. That is what love is. You just go with it. No matter how embarrassed you'll be if you do that. No matter how immature that is. That's love.

As a boyfriend, your job is to know how to comfort your girlfriend. You should know how to not make your girlfriend sad or mad. That goes the same to the girlfriend. You should know how to entertain her. How to make her happy. You should remember everything she tells you about her. The little things. Those are the things that counts most. Treat her like she's the best thing that's ever happened to you. 'Cause that's what girls want. Yeah, maybe girls are so needy and all those stuff. But it's just like that. As a boyfriend, you should never ask, "how do I make you happy?" because she'll only get madder or sadder that she was before because the only person who she expects to comfort her is her boyfriend and to know that he doesn't know how to do just makes it worse. So yeah, if you really love her, you'd know exactly how to treat her at her best and at her worst.

As a girlfriend, you have to respect your boyfriend. Respect his decisions. If he doesn't like what you do, you could either change or tell him why you act that way. I understand that you're your own person, but he has a saying in this. This goes the same to the boyfriend as well. As a girlfriend, you should not make your boyfriend mad. Never go over the limit. Especially with sensitive and hot-headed boys. You will not want to know what will happen if you go over the limit. You should also not get jealousy ahead of you. As I stated above, jealousy is not love. And one more thing about jealousy, is that it started off little. Then, it grows bigger and bigger. And before you know it, you won't let him talk to any girl at all (same with boys).

So, conclusion, as a couple, you guys should not be jealous of whoever talks to another girl or boy. You should respect each other. Make some rules to avoid fights. Don't cheat on each other or doubt each other. But then again, who am I to tell you how to live your life, right? I mean, if you do this kind of thing with each other that makes you happy, then continue on doing it. Be different!

Every child deserves a parent's love. A friend of mine told me that her father would sign a contract or whatever it is to say that she's not her daughter anymore if she converts from whatever religion she is to a Muslim. What kind of parent does that? She's still your child. Shouldn't you love her in any way she is? Parents should help their children in any matter. Big or small.

Love. What can you say about it? It's amazing.

Paranoia?

WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH PARANOIA?! WHY MUST THE FEELING EXIST?! It sucks! I feel like my head's gonna explode just being paranoid! I can't help to always think about it and my legs are shaking and I'm having trouble breathing. And before I know it, I've completely gone crazy! I was breathing so loudly like a retard. I leg was shaking like it's on a vibrating machine. The thought of you not replying keeps spinning in my head....

Should I start from the first?

Okay, so here goes..

When my mom got back from work today, she said in a hyper tone that she wants to create a Facebook account. And then, she saw my computer with the screen savers on the screen. They were picture from the last Raya. AAH! THERE WAS A PICTURE OF ME SITTING BESIDE HAZIQ! I was "Ohmygod-ing" in my head! She can't find out about us! Anyway, she keeps making me create her an account. I didn't want to, so I tried to avoid her.

Then, after dinner, I logged on Facebook and changed my relationship status just in case my mom stalks me. I posted on Haziq's wall, saying that I'll explain later. Then I felt guilty and text messaged him instead. MY LEG COULDN'T STOP SHAKING! I couldn't breathe. I ended up spamming Adilah's wall with crazy wall posts. I chatted with Imran like crazy. I couldn't stop typing so fast! And all I was scared about was Haziq getting so mad that he doesn't wanna reply my text -.-''.

Paranoia

Don't let it get to you!

IT'S EVIL !

Kampung People

The other day, Hidayah told me that Razleena called the upstairs' kids "Budak Kampung". What does that actually mean? It's not like we live in a village or something. Dude, you can obviously see that we live in a city.

Sure, we might not all get along, but who are you to call us "Budak Kampung" ? Okay, I admit, we call the downstairs' girls "gedik" and all that, but who says we're not? Look, we may judge people, but we don't forget to judge ourselves first. Well, maybe just me. I don't know bout the others. Maybe you should do the same. Before you said we were village kids, have you looked in the mirror and judged yourself yet?

This city full with people with weird inside jokes. Just because you don't get what a couple of boys were laughing about, doesn't mean we upstairs' kids are village kids! Like you don't have any inside jokes. Like you've never laughed loudly when a person enters a class because of what embarrassing thing he/she did yesterday.

Just remember to judge yourself first before judging others. There will be some people who gets really offended, like me -.-''.

Consequences

Whenever you do something wrong, there's always gonna be consequences waiting for you. You can't just get out of it. 'Cause if you run away, it will get worse. So, it's better to just stick with it. Even if the consequence mean not getting to use your phone and the internet until you're 40. It's better to stick with it than making more trouble.

I lost my purse today. It's got my identification card in it. I stupidly carelessly, without thinking placed my purse on the table. When I went to the "toilet", it got lost. And tonight I told my mom. Yes, I was scared to death. I didn't wanna tell her. I didn't wanna get into trouble and stuff. But I did. I faced my fears and told her that I lost my purse. I got scolded, of course. But it's worth it. It was scary. But it certainly took out the feeling that was like, a big responsibility has been taken away from me.

The first step is to tell somebody that can help you even if the consequences of telling that person is really big.

Let's say you're doing this really bad thing. Something that can lead you to jail or in really big trouble. It started of for fun. Later, it became big. And you can't stop. Nobody knows about it and you're getting sick of doing it, but you just can't stop. I guess if you can't stop, you'd have to tell somebody, like your parents for instance. You know it will get you into really big trouble, but what can you do? It's the only way to stop. (I'm talking crap, I know)

Even if your parents scold you for doing mistakes, they'd still help you.

Don't run away from home if you're scared of taking the consequences about something you mess up. It's not like you're the only one who makes mistakes. Everybody does. It's just that, people learn from their mistakes. Maybe your parents scold you cause they did the same mistake when they were young and when you did it, it made them think of how stupid they were and all that.

Just think positively. If you can go through the mistakes you've made, surely you'll get through the consequences.

Pleasing People

There's something about me that I don't get. I can't see people sad or unsatisfied or disappointed! I'll be guilty, even though I didn't do anything wrong to them. And then, I'll be such a busy body and go to them and "try" to make things right. Which is not really right. It turns out worse!

You know how hard it is to please people? To make them happy? For example, this friend of yours wants you to carry his Science books up to class from the Science lab. You couldn't say "no", could you? And then, when his other friends asked you to take their books upstairs also cause they saw him asking you to put his books upstairs. Would you say no? I wouldn't. Even though it will be heavy. They'll be talking bad about me until I apologize and they'd tease that I like that one guy cause I carried his books.

Or when your best friend shows a paper she wrote about your boyfriend's best friend. Bad things. And then, the boyfriend tears up the paper. And she gets mad and sad and angry and upset and all those things. You wouldn't like it when your very best friend and boyfriend don't get along, would you? The two people you love are having a conflict. You have the feeling that you HAVE to do something. Well, at least I do. And when I did do something, like, making him apologize to her, she wouldn't listen, cause she was busy writing her choral speaking script and then, when she doesn't listen, he gets mad. And now both of them are mad. And I get the blame for everything!

Or when your friend doesn't wanna participate in a choral speaking and you force them to cause you're so psyched about winning this thing. And he shows you his bored are-we-done-here face to you. Won't you feel like, you've just made a mistake of pushing somebody into doing something they don't want to?

Lesson is, never try to do anything. Just stay idle. If it's your problem and you're involved in it, then you can do something. If you're just a middle person, don't get into any trouble. You'll just make it worse. Or at least I will.

I Was Forced To Go

I hate Sarawak. I just hate Sarawak. You know why? CAUSE IT'S DAMN BORING ! Here's my summary of my trip to Sarawak last weekend :

Friday
Went to the airport WAAAAAAAAAAAY too early =.=(my parents). We arrived at like, 5 and our flight was at 6.40 pm :|. Ate "tea" which is McDonald's fries and nuggets. And ice cream for dessert. Anyway, we got in the uhh, place an hour earlier since there was nothing there (KLIA IS FAR WAY BETTER!!). I just memorized my choral speaking script(THANK GOD I BROUGHT MY HOMEWORK) since there was nothing better to do.

My sister and I wanted to find those corn in cups thingy, so we walked to find it. Since we didn't find any, we stopped at the airport chocolate shop or something. We saw the packet of Mars Planet. IT WAS RM 36++! FOR ONE BAG ! Yes, it was big. BUT FOR ONE BAG IT COSTS THIRTY SIX BUCKS ! IN ENGLAND, YOU CAN GET TWO OF THOSE (a bit smaller in size) FOR ONE NINETY FIVE POUNDS ! FOR TWO ! WHICH IS LIKE, LESS than ten Ringgit here. THIS IS WHY ... WE HAVE TO GO TO ENGLAND FOR CHOCOLATES !

Anyway, the flight was delayed. Air Asia is stupid. Worst airline ever. Next time, I'm gonna make trouble if I have to ride that airplane!

We arrived at about 9 something. The hotel was good. I've seen better. And I'd rather stay at Hilton (which my dad already booked and somebody suddenly changed it =.=). But since it was an executive suite or whatever, it was good la. What got me excited was the two flat screen TV ! :D

Didn't bring my telekung, so I had to pray with a long sleeved shirt , my dad's kain (sorry, don't know it in English(YES, my English is bad. Keep it to yourself)) and my mom's shawl. Not to be vain, but I gotta say, I look pretty good in the shawl when it's wrapped around my head like a tudung.

Saturday
Breakfast report : I drank date juice. YUCK! IT WAS HORRIBLE ! Then, to get the taste out, I drank skimmed milk. YUCK-ER ! BAD IDEA ! Ate toast with scrambled eggs. Good thing they had bread. I'd die without em.

Went swimming at 10. Put extra protection (still, IM DARK NOW!). Swam for an hour. The swimming pool was small :|. I bet the one in Hilton is better -.-''.

Walked by the river bank. After 5 minutes, dad called for lunch. Went back to the hotel. Lunch was at a Chinese restaurant. I was excited when I saw the sign. But the food they served on the buffet table were "Rice" or "Asam Pedas Fish". HOW THE HECK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE CHINESE?! I just ate a plate of Salad and fruits. It's not even Caesar Salad =.=.

Started walking again at 3. Went to some weird museum. I don't know a thing! Suddenly my mom made me and my sister go to a museum. IT SUCKED ! THERE WAS NOTHING THERE! NO INFORMATION. NOT EVEN A TITLE OF WHAT THAT THING IS ! The stupidest museum I've ever been to. And it was really small. Could finish it in 15 minutes. If there is information, the English is wrong =.=. The museum in England is 1,000,000 times better. I couldn't even finish the whole museum even if I had 3 hours.

Walked by the river bank, trying to find the "river cruise". It departs hourly (thank God!), so my mom said no need to ride it. Walked all the way by the river bank. People there were weird. The girls la. When I walk by, they'd be looking at me and scanning me in their shocked + blur + sorta disgusted + don't-you-dare-steal-my-boyfriend faces. I was like, okaaaaaaay. Weird. Just walk quickly and you'll past trough them. It wasn't only a group of girls. But I don't know. It's like, most of the groups there. IT WAS SO WEIRD ! I ALMOST told my mom, but like she'll do anything and she'll say I'm overreacting or something.

Went to the other side of the river. I have no comment about the place.

I fell asleep after we got back. My ear was hurting (like the way it did in New York. I think I got the ear infection back. Maybe laa. But I refused to go check. It will only trouble my parents.), I had a headache and something was playing in my stomach. Like my intestines are turning around or something. But no way is that possible.

Had dinner at a restaurant on top of a building. When I saw the place, I was like, WOW! This is gonna be coooooooool! When I went upstairs (7 or 8 flights of stairs cause the lift wasn't working), the place was so... Not as I expected it to be. And they serve drinks with plastic cups -.-''. I just hate restaurants that do that.

Watched Poltergeist 3. Wasn't that scary. I just hate the fact that the ghost is from the mirror :|.

Sunday
Breakfast report : Heh, I don't bother. It sucked. But better than yesterday's since I made my breakfast from BLUEK to I'm satisfied.

Went on a road trip or whatever to somewhere outside of Kuching. One thing I hate about Malaysia and Indonesia (I've only visited two so far) is that their big shopping place is the streets. You get what I mean, right? The sort of dirty place on the road where they sell stuff. I noticed in mirrors that my face had a disgusted look on it. My feet hurt from the long walk on my mom's heels. To make it worse, the road was bumpy, which makes it harder to walk on the 2 1/2 inch heels. Curse it.

Went swimming again after we got back. I was forced to.

In the car to the airport, I was thinking, YES! GOING BACK TO KL ! OH MY GOD ! KUALA LUMPUR ! I HAVE JUST REALIZED HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU!!! I was thinking of putting that on my status. But then, I thought, I'd reach home at twelve and I'd surely be sleepy.

There was lightning and thunder when we were on the airplane. It sorta looked pretty from up above. Mostly scary. But pretty. I was really scared that time. But Alhamdulilah, we got home safely.

NOW YOU KNOW WHY I HATE SARAWAK !

Hang Outs

The fun thing about hang outs are that, you get to hang out with your friends.(DUHH) Like, doing other activities with them.. Forget it =.= Im skipping to the next paragraph.

Recently, Hidayah, Lily, Haziq, Sally, Sarah, Malik and I watched a movie at Wangsa Walk Mall. The mall was boring =.=. Nothing's there. The only fun thing was the movie. And Famous Amos. Even the bookstore is boring. Anyway, we watched Devil. We were supposed to watch Charlie St. Cloud, but Hidayah and Haziq changed the movie. They said Devil's better. I just followed them! INNOCENT ! The movie was sort of really scary. I mean, they got stuck in an elevator and a devil was with them. YIKES ! Try to imagine if you were one of them.

Hidayah was holding the bucket of popcorn Lily and me bought when we were entering the cinema. All of a sudden, the whole bucket was empty and a couple of chairs were full of popcorn. She accused Lily of pushing her and making her drop the whole bucket of popcorn. MAN ! IT WAS HILARIOUS ! My place and Haziq's place were covered with popcorn xD. But I swept it off with Dayah's help. The boys came in late. The seating was like, Malik, Sally, Sarah, Lily, Dayah, Me, Haziq. Oh, did I mention Sally and Sarah are a couple?

When the movie first started, Haziq put on his earphones =.=. The volume were really loud. I could hear it. Well, either that, or he didn't put it on tightly (or whatever the word is). When the scary part started, I held his hand :|. I KNOW ! EWW ! DON'T SAY IT ! Aaaaaaand, I sort of leaned on his shoulder. Nearly the last part, Hidayah poked me. Thank God I didn't scream. They were putting their feet up on the front seats cause nobody was there. I joined. But then, I got uncomfortable. When the really really scary part came, I think I sorta hugged Haziq. *Guilty* What could I do? I was scared! It was better than screaming out loud!

After the movie, we had lunch at Popeyes. It was good. Sort of. Me, Lily and Hidayah shared a meal. Which was really enough. Malik ordered a kiddie meal while Sally ordered a burger. He eats so fast. :| :| Haziq ate a Rotiboy. Sarah didn't eat anything, because she was on a diet cause she has a boyfriend noooow xD. So, we walked around here and there and blah blah. It was boring =.=. Oh, and Haziq lost his PSP in the cinema somewhere.

After Wangsa Walk, they all, excluding Malik, went to my house. Hidayah and Sarah were just at my house for a few minutes :(. Hidayah had to go home 'cause her grandmother was coming home and Sarah was catching a ride with her back home. So, it was just Sally, Haziq, me and Lily. We played Wii! Mariokart was awesome! Sally is really like a little kid. He's like this immature big kid. WHICH IS AWESOME ! Cause I don't really have that much immature friends. Just that, he swears a lot =.=. Really got on my nerves. Lily took a lot of videos and pictures. I'm sorta not allowed to upload them because they are sorta wild pictures and Haziq said if I do upload them, he won't be able to go to my house ever again. Sally said, he'll get scolded by his parents and stuff. It was sorta really boring at my house :| Didn't know what to do xD We played Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader? We were all not smarter than a 5th grader :P. They all went home at 6.30-ish, leaving me all alone, scared of the olive eyed lady =.=.

Hang outs are great memories. So, I guess, it was a good day. Even though I got emotional and annoyed and stuff :P

Gangsters

I've just been informed that there was a big fight outside of SAB's compound. Well, not really, but I just heard the whole story. So, yeah, it's sorta the same thing. Hidayah told me that the boys from Dato' Lokman and Maluri were ganging up on SAB boys. I don't know what they were fighting about, but I guess it was pretty big, since when I went out of school, a few groups of boys were standing outside the walls, smoking cigarettes. It was pretty scary going through them.

I'm basically writing about this because.. well, I just don't get why there must be gangsters in this world =.=. Can't we just live peacefully? I know , I know. I'm writing like I'm a hippie and lame, but think about it. Would you want to live in a world with polluted air, people going in the hospital every two days and not have a peaceful night to sleep 'cause the boys would be riding their motorcycles noisily outside your houses? Or would you rather live in a world where you don't have to waste money on drugs and cigarettes and having a good night's sleep? I mean, doctors would be happy, 'cause they'd get a lot of patients and therefore, they'd be paid more, but, what if you were the one who gets injured?

I don't know if it's true, but all gangsters are the same. They even have their daily routine. They wake up in the morning and "go to school". Which really means going to an internet cafe nearby and watching porn on the internet. Then, in the afternoon, they'd call up their slutty girlfriends to hang out at some not really secluded place. They'd ask their girlfriends to wear slutty clothes and treat them like majesty. And they would smoke. When their cigarettes are all out, they'd fake their age and buy a new box at some drugstore, which has an idiotic cashier =.=. At night, they'd watch football at a Mamak restaurant and come home at 2 a.m. in the morning. When they get scolded by their parents or teachers, they'd take drugs to make themselves high.

So, how stupid are these people? I mean, if they get blacklisted from school, they won't have any future. No school would ever accept them as they would think that these kids are dangerous and they will damage their school's name or whatever. And, if they get into a fight, they themselves are gonna get hurt. You don't learn from mistakes. Well, you do. But in this case, you should prevent it. There's a saying about this. Prevention is better than cure. What if you get into a fight and you break your legs and you're paralyzed for the rest of your life? Won't you miss a lot? What if something got into your eyes and you got blind? You won't get to see anybody or anything ever again. Even if they are rich, anything could happen. I mean, what if suddenly, their fathers' business go down? They won't have anything to support their lives.

Why can't they be good kids? Not really good kids. But, like those kids who obey their parents, do their homework, try to avoid getting into any trouble and I don't know, stay and home after school and just chat with their friends on Facebook? I mean, I know it sounds lame, but, it's better than being one of those other people. At least they have a bright future. Even if they are not smart, they might have other talents that could make them successful in life. If not in life, then, the afterlife. I know, outta the topic.

Uhh, I guess that's probably all. SERIOUSLY, BEING GOOD IS BETTER THAN BEING BAD ! EVEN IF IT MAKES YOU LAME ! =.=

Lies

Personally, I don't get why people lie. I mean, I know it's better to lie than tell the ugly truth, but don't you think that the other person's trust for you would fade away, their feelings get hurt and .. I don't know. You might just lose that very special person.

It's not like I'm saying I don't lie. I do lie. But not often. And if that person already knew about it, well, part of it, wouldn't it be easier to just tell the truth? I would. It's pointless to cover. The person you're telling the lie to is gonna know sooner or later. And if he/she finds out from someone else and knew that you were lying, won't you be in a bigger problem than you might be if you told in the first place?

If I knew that one of my closest friends are lying to me, I don't think I'll forgive them. I mean, I will. But not right away. I'd go "emotional" first. If the lie was from someone that I truly trust and love, I don't think I'll ever trust them again. I know that some things are meant to be kept a secret, but if I find out about part of it, don't lie. Just say like, "I can't tell you" or "It's meant to be kept a secret" or whatever. I'll understand. I guess. Okay, maaaaaaaybe I won't. And maaaaaaaybe I'll blackmail you into telling me, but I don't know. That was before. I don't think I'll do that if someone says something like that. Lies are the one thing I cannot stand. I don't know why. It's just that, when I really trust somebody, and he/she lied to me and I find out truth later, it just sucks.

The worst is when I find out the truth from somebody else. Like, there was this one time, when I was chatting with this one friend of mine whom I trust (like, really trust), and I asked about something that he/she posted about me and then he/she lied. I was dumb enough to buy the lie. And then, the next day, this other friend of mine, he/she was sorta close to that other friend of mine, told me something he/she knew. He/she told me that what the other person posted about me was blah blah blah. His/her story was totally different from the other person's. And I knew it was the truth what the second person told me because he/she said he/she got the information from the person him/herself. Now, I'm not sure if I can trust the first person or not. He/she lied to me. And I trusted him/her. As if I'm such a dumbass to never will find out about the truth. The second person said that the first person was gonna tell me. But gonna can take forever. It can be a hundred years later. It could be tomorrow or the next few minutes, but it could also be next year. It could also be in the next two years or so. So, when is gonna? And besides, I think I know those kind of people. He/she will wait until when things are better, like, things between us are okay, then, he/she will think that I forgot and just, won't tell the story forever.

Some people just don't mean what they say.

Quotes

Somehow, I'm just amazed by quotations. It's not like I just knew these stuffs or anything. It's just that, suddenly, I know what it means. What they are supposed to do. I know I'm like, really lame to be interested in this kinda things but, I don't know. It sorta seems meaningful. It's like, when I read one saying, it's as if the world stops and a sudden realization came to my mind. It's like, saying that I need to be better. That I'm .. I don't know. It's as if it's saying I need to be a better person. And I do.

One of my favourite quotes is, "Try not to be a man of success but rather a man of value." A lot of people know this but they just don't care about it. I mean, how many people have you seen that are successful but they have no value? They swear, they don't say "please" or "thank you", they don't look at you when you talk to them, they don't show you the way out of their house when you come over and all that? I've seen a lot. I've MET a lot. And what's the point of having success if you don't have value? It's sort of better to have value than having success. Not that I'm saying we don't need success, because we do, it's just that, value is more important. I was kinda shocked that it was from Einstein. Not that I'm saying he's not that smart to come up with those words. He's like one of the smartest person on Earth. DUHH ! But, wow. He made that. And then, the other one is,imagination is more important than knowledge. For knowledge is limited to all we now know and understand, while imagination embraces the entire world, and all there ever will be to know and understand. That is just awesome ! I know I'm SS-ing or whatever but he inspires me.

Suck It Up

Do you realise that, when something goes wrong, you'd be stressing out, cursing yourself for whatever you did and throwing stuffs that are near you to make yourself feel better. Sometimes, when it gets really bad, you'd be thinking, 'wouldn't the world be a hell lot better if I would just die?'

After seeing my friend's statuses on Facebook the other day about her hating people and thinking that there are people way better than her and all that made me realise how stupid that was. Dude, do you know how lucky you are to be you? You are one of the most perfect person on Earth that I have ever met. Don't let one person make you feel stupid and unwanted and all those negative stuffs. So what? Just because he hates Michael Jackson and Fred doesn't mean that you have to die. You have way better people to deal with. Do you know what would happen to the world if you died? IT WOULD BE GLOOMY ! And without your annoying-ness, people would turn into monkeys, knowing that they won't be picked on ever again. BM class would be boring without your sudden "OMGs". Twilight would suck if you're not there to comment on it badly. Well, my world would suck cause I'd lose one of my very best friend.

I know, it's not fair and all that but, I guess sometimes, you just have to suck it up and forget about it. If I'm smart enough, I bet you're saying that it's easy for me to say that cause I've never experienced those things. Actually, I've had worse. But it doesn't matter. Just, don't compare yourself to someone better.

Rich People (part 2 :P)

Rich people are so predictable. Right? I mean, like, if you judge them from afar, they all look the same. Wait, okay okay, it's not nice to say that people are this and that. They might be a down to earth person underneath all that, but if you see rich people anywhere, you'll see the same type of clothes, type of shoes, type of hairstyles and type of watches.

For boys, in everyday outfits would be a shirt with collar, pants and Italian leather shoes. If the shirt is white, the pants would be black or brown or any dark colour, the shoes would be black or really dark brown (there's a difference, you know). If they go to their country club to play golf, they'd wear a t-shirt (with collar), three-quarter pants and golf shoes I guess. If they go for polo, they'd wear a shirt with that jacket, I don't know what jacket, but they'd wear one, and then, white pants (obviously they know how to keep from getting mud all over), knee-high boots and that horse riding hat or something. Helmet, is it? If they go for a formal dinner, they'd wear a tuxedo. Mostly a white shirt underneath a black jacket and a bow, with again, a pair of Italian leather shoes. Oh yeah, and the watches they wear. They'd all be Rolex, Cartier, Patek Philippe, TAG Heuer, Omega, Chopard, etc.

For girls, their everyday outfits would be a business suit, I guess. Or I don't know. Maybe those really expensive short skirts, high heeled shoes, small-tiny-diamond watch, $100,000 jewelry, Louis Viutton or Gucci handbags, and a t-shirt. I think. Girls have lots of styles. So it's kinda hard to explain. Or maybe I just don't know :P. For sports, they'd wear (mostly) Nike shoes, cap, skirt or short pants, and t-shirt. And then, on a formal dinner, they'd wear a million dollar dress and really expensive high heeled shoes. They'd bring along a small purse that matches the colour of their dress. They'd wear big diamond earrings and necklace and 15 karat rings. Their make-ups are usually perfect. Their hair are always done by professional hair stylists. Their clothes are always hand-made specially for them.

Another thing about rich people is that, they play the piano or the violin. They take ballroom dancing classes, or they are just born with that talent. They take horseback riding classes. They live in a big house (obviously) with at least 15 bedrooms and a gold toilet, a huge swimming pool at the back, a tennis court and a HUGE garage that can at least store 5 cars. The cars would be Bugatti Veyron, Lamborghini Reventon, McLaren F1 and others. (Too lazy to list all of them). They'd have butlers and maids. Most of them are whiny. Some of them have their own private jet and yacht. They'd get an island for their seventh birthday, and they'd invite all their friends for a birthday bash or something.

Not all of this is true la. But like, by the way I see it, they're like that. From the outside. Maybe some are not like that, but I don't know. Just seems like it. Again, they might be down to earth on the inside, but on the outside, it's kinda different. Not that I'm saying they are bad people or something. They're not. They have money, so they spend it on these kind of stuffs. *Shrug*

Acting rich is kinda hard. You have to stand straight. Not walk around the room like an idiot. Sit up straight. Get your pinkies up while drinking a cup of tea. Put your head up at all times. Be polite. Talk with good words. You can't complain in front of people. Always have to keep your voice maintained. Walk without slouching. Never talk about what you can get for cheaper. Always keep your clothes neat and tidy. You have to keep your hair the way it was when it was made, or something. And then, you'd always have to be on time. Yes, that's acting rich. Imagine being really rich.

Emotions

Emotions are evil. To me. Somehow, they always trick me. Seriously. Like, I don't know what happened or something but sometimes, I just go mad or sad or I don't know. And for some reason, when I'm in those kind of moods, I don't really want people to bother me. I mean, who wants to be bothered when you're moody? Yeah, they just wanna help, but sometimes, you just feel like you don't need help, right? You just wanna be alone and I don't know. I guess when somebody is moody, they just wanna be alone. Well, kinda. I don't. Sometimes la. It's like, I want people to ask me what's going on and all that, just that, I won't answer because I know what will happen. If any of my friends ask, they'll just make a joke out of it. And when you're moody, and when you tell somebody why, you'd want them to console you or whatever the word is, not make a joke out of it.

Do you realize that, when you're in a bad mood, somebody you hate will always be the victim. Like, you trash them for no reason. And then, you'd get annoyed by people around you. You curse yourself. You'd wish the world would then at that second. You'd think that you're stupid and silly for making mistakes. You'd be beating yourself up sometimes. If not that, you'd be smashing stuffs. Throwing heavy items because you just feel like dying and don't wanna face anything else. Well, maybe you don't get like that, but I do. Kind of. I don't know. I just get like that. SOMETIMES!

On the other hand, when you're in a good mood, you'd feel like the whole world is just wonderful. Everybody is awesome. Even the homework teachers give don't bother you. You'd be nice to everybody. Talk in a good tone. Feel like nothing could ever bother you, even a thunder storm could make you frown.

Conclusion is, when you're in a bad mood, you take everything badly. When you're in a good mood, you take everything better. So, like, when you're having problems, just cool down and wait until you're in a good mood to solve it. There's a solution to every problem, right?

Sorry, was bored. I was talking crap, wasn't I? Heh...

Forever ?

You know when you say something is forever, are you really certain that it will be forever? Like, when in fairy tales, they say that Cinderella lives happily ever after with her prince, Snow White live happily ever after with hers, Aurora with Philip and all that. But, they are cartoon shows. What about in real life? Is there any way that something can last forever?

Maybe gold and silver will last forever. Maybe non-biodegradable things will last forever. But what about friendship? Puppy love? Relationships? They say friendships last forever, but do they? Haven't you ever had a best friend? I mean like, a real best friend. A person you trust. A person you tell your secrets to. A person you talk about weird things with. She/he is the most trusted person ever. You get so close to each other. And then, suddenly she/he is not your best friend anymore. All those months of being so close to that one person, then suddenly, the next thing you know, you're just not anymore. Feeling so secure with him/her, being so confident that you'll be best friends for forever, then everything disappeared. Your trust. The relationship you had. The secrets you told that person. All gone. When you think it back, it's kinda sad, don't you think?

When you're young, you get puppy loves. You get in all sorts of relationships. Some are bad, some are good and some are just wonderful. When he tells you he loves you, the butterflies in your stomach flutters, your heart beats twice as fast, you feel so light as if you could fly. And then, you or your friend would cut out a heart-shaped paper and write your name + your boyfriend's name and at the end, there will be a "forever". But that's at first. What happens when he gets addicted to something, let's say a game, and before that, you two used to get along so well. I mean, like, communicate for hours. Talk on the phone, chat, email, face to face. All that and then, when he fell in love with the game, you feel like you're forgotten, when he doesn't really forgets you. But how would you know that he's thinking about you all of the time when he plays his game, and you keep waiting for him to go online, to call you, to at least send a text message to you to say that he misses you like a pathetic person? What if he forgets about you? What if he like, sets a date when you guys can chat or talk to each other, but then, when he does call or go online, you didn't pick up the phone or you didn't go online and you missed your one and only chance to talk to him. But it wasn't on purpose. Maybe you were busy, maybe you were sleeping, maybe there was internet problem. His free time might not be your free time. What if it has been so long since you two had a long private conversation together, and you fall out of love with him? Maybe it's not that long, just that, sometimes, when you love somebody, two days seems like forever. You can say that it's nothing, it's just a day or two, but you'd be surprise of what would happen, like if you cry 'cause you miss him so much.

If I'm writing this, it doesn't mean that I am having these problems. It's just on my mind. Like, what if it were really to happen. How would you feel? Would you have expected it? I'm not saying that I've had experience will all these. I don't. Well, maybe some of it, but I don't know. Maybe I read something like this in a book somewhere. It doesn't really mean I have to go through it to know about it. Maybe I've seen my friends having these kind of experiences, maybe that's why these things are in my head. Just because I write about that heart shaped paper thingy, doesn't mean I do it. Just because I wrote that question about falling out of love with somebody, doesn't mean that I am falling out of love with Haziq. Doesn't mean I want more time with him, although it would be nice. I mean, sometimes, I don't want time with him, I need time with him. But I don't know. I just get through it. Sometimes, people just need to get through something they can't get. Just ignore the empty feeling I guess. It's not that I couldn't get it, I could always text him and say "I wanna chat with you", it's just that, I don't want to intrude his guy time. Of course, it can't be all the time that he plays his game, but whatever I guess. I can't control him. I just have to get through the day. Even if I cry sometimes. It doesn't really matter. Whatever makes him happy, makes me happy. I think. I don't know. It's just that, when he chats with me, I don't want him to do it because he has to. I want him to do it because he wants to. If you think I'm writing this because I want him to do this and that, you're wrong. I don't, really. Like I said, I don't want him to do it unless he wants to. So, like, just.. I'm sorry. I don't know what has gotten into me. Maybe I'm just one of those people who thinks that two days is forever. I don't know. It's not that we don't talk, it's just that, we haven't talked or chat for hours. The last time we chatted, it only lasted for about two seconds. Once, when he said he has got to go after a few minutes, my heart actually sank. But it's no big deal. I don't think so it is. He's a good guy. Let him be. When I really really need him, I'll say it. At least now, I can live through the day. *Shrug* I know, I am so complicated. How unlucky of him to have me :P. Sorry.

Anyway, so still certain that something could be forever? Can your relationship with your best friend last forever? Can the relationship between you and your partner be forever? Even if your bond with somebody is so close, you can't even explain it, anything could happen. Maybe I am just talking crap, but think about it. All the "what ifs", all the possibilities. You never know.

Expect the Unexpected

If you still remember, me and Lisa had a fight about someone a few months ago. And like, after that, we never really talked to each other. Well, not much anyway. Then, there was this hating each other part and all that. Until yesterday...

Ever since the birthday thingy, I never really talked to her, or make eye contact with her or anything. I run away from her every time she comes near. I avoided talking to her when I really wanted to give her a piece of my mind. I tried to annoy her by hanging in front of her class. When I started thinking about it again, it's kinda really funny. I mean, like, I'm heading to this place, then, when I see her there, I run away. I knew that she wasn't gonna like, you know, make me suffer or anything, I just felt like I needed to be far away from her for some reason, and now, I'm laughing at how stupid I was.

So anyway, yesterday, something happened. Something REALLY unexpected. I was facebooking, as usual, when suddenly, Lisa said, "Hello amilah". I was like, That's freaky. Did I do something wrong? What did I do wrong? I replied. Weirdly, we were chatting like we're normal friends. We were talking about Tumblr and how funny the pictures in it are and all that when suddenly, she asked about my blog. I said that I changed the url and all to keep my sister from reading it. I gave her the new url. She read about the post I posted about my birthday. She said it wasn't her who made the song about me. She just sang along with it. Somehow, I believed her and I wasn't curious of who made it. I just apologized. Then I told her that I was kinda scared to go near her and all that and she laughed or something, which made me realise of how stupid that was. I mean, running away from her, not telling her la. Like she said, it's not like she eats people. I was actually scared because I thought I might say something bad to her and if she tells her mom, I'd be in trouble. Then she told me that she tells her mom stuffs because she can talk to her without her dumping her or something like friends do. And she just feels comfortable. It's not like, she tells her mom stuffs and her mom will call the principal and I'll get in trouble. So, like, wow. Everything I thought was actually wrong. Before she told me that, I thought when she tells her mom stuffs, her mom would tell the teachers and do this and that and I'd be in trouble and blah blah. Expect the unexpected. What I thought was wrong. Way wrong.

Then, the chat went on. She told me that she had a dream the other day. About her re-doing everything or something. It was a few weeks after she got in SAB. She went to Puan Foo a bit late and she would've got in Syahbandar instead of Bendahara. And then, we'd all go marching together and all. And her, me and Haziq would have hung out together and the whole fight was never to happen. Wait, maybe that's her daydream. Or maybe her daydream was this. She was still in Bendahara. When Haziq gave her the note about him liking Nadhrah, she would just laugh it off and agreed with me that it was just his heart. And she would have not broken up with Haziq until he says so. And all the fighting stuffs would have never happened. We'd never have become enemies. Wait, I think I got everything mixed up. I don't know la. It's something like that.

But then again, if that fight were never to happen, all of this would never happen. So, it was kind of a good thing AND a bad thing. But it happened already, so, there's no way to fix it. I'm guessing she regretted the fight. Not that I'm saying I don't. 'Cause I do. A lot. I kind of realised everything now. If she didn't care of what I think, she would have never got mad when I said her braces are ugly, which they aren't really, 'cause, well, let's face it. Everything on her, even if it's clown make-up, she'll look pretty. If she was really over me, as in a best friend, not like lesbian partners, she'd never talk about me behind her back. She wouldn't have taken everything I said very seriously. Yeah, we're kinda the same. I mean, if I was over her, I wouldn't have cared that she curses me behind my back. I wouldn't have been scared to approach her. I would have blocked her in Facebook months ago. I wouldn't have posted so many blog posts about her if I didn't care. And sometimes, I kinda miss her and wished that I could just go to her and apologize.

I'm guessing we're friends now? I kinda need somebody to talk to about boys and all that. Well, I do have Double D.. but, it's like... I don't know. Since the last time I talked to Lisa, it was mostly about boys and she reaaaally knows a lot. It's kinda fun. I wonder if we'd be like old times. Everyday, after school, I'd be calling her and we'd be on the phone talking about stuffs for over an hour. Okay, this is random. I just remembered that her favourite drink is Iced Lemon Tea. That stuff keeps popping in my mind every time I drink em. And then, when I'm in bookstores, stuffs like, Lisa likes Jean Ure books and books like that la. Ish, weird facts.

I guess things do happen for a reason.

P/S: I'm sorry, Lisa.