Problems

Have you ever felt like what you do is wrong? How you act like and all that, all of em wrong? Like you've never done anything right. Ever. Maybe it's one of those negative moments, where you just can't think of things positively, but my question is, have you? 'Cause I have. And I feel like I'm the only one feeling like this, 'cause other people just accepts their problems or whatever 'cause they can convince themselves that they're not perfect and nobody is. But I can't. I don't know why, I don't know how. I don't know if I can and I don't know if I even wanna try.

I've listen about 90% of my problems in my journal. I came up with 141 so far. I've got more on my mind, because I'm kind of in a bad mood, but that's not the point. Point is, I've got too many problems and I don't know how to get over them. I know I have friends and all, like, Shania and DD, they've been so good to me lately, plus Ashvin and even Haziq, kinda, but, there are just some problems that cannot be solved. Like my insecurities. I'll always have them, even if Shania and DD have told me that my problems like, I feel like I'm not close to my friends anymore and that I think that I get people mad by telling them my problems, are not my problems. Those kinda things are their problems. Hm, maybe so. I'll just have to remind myself that those things aren't my problems.

Sometimes, I just wish I could be like, one of those problem-free teenagers. Yes, there are such people. And how lucky they are to be like that. I mean, look at me! I'm such a mess. I've been sleeping after 1 AM, thinking about stuff. I cry over things that don't even matter. I think that if I do this and that, I'm gonna get what I want. Something like, if my mom won't let me go watch a movie with my friends, I won't eat for a week. I know it won't work but I don't know. I just might do that, because I'm just so stressed out and it's not one of those things which I can just let go by drinking hot strawberry tea. No, this is different. This is just too much.

Truth it, I've been kind of bottling up my problems. I know I've been blabbing and blabbing about my problems ever since I started this blog or whatever, and I write most of my problems, how I feel like in my diary/journal, but I've always been not telling the truth. Like, the whole truth I mean. And I can't do that for some reason. I can't tell anybody, any website, any paper my real problems with extreme details. I can only tell part of it. I can't even tell myself my real problems. I don't know why exactly. Maybe it's because I just can't stand knowing that I'm that kind of person or well, just something like that.

Shania said I have to accept myself first, before other people do. I've heard of that somewhere, before she told me. And yeah, I kinda agree, I mean, how can somebody else accept me if I haven't even accepted myself? But it's kinda hard. I don't know. I'm not really good with this kinda thing. Ugh, I need a shrink. But I refuse to go to any. Shania, Ashvin and DD are enough. Besides, everybody's helping actually. Even Lutfil. I told Haziq, and he just told me to forget it. So, yeah. I guess so. I should probably just forget my problems, shouldn't I?

But they're not just gonna go away just like that, are they? If they were to go away like that, then it wouldn't be called a problem. Hi I'm Amilah, I'm pretty!!! (Jin Zhe typing...) LOL, sorry, I'm in school (desperate) and that was my extremely annoying but awesome friend, Jin Zhe. Anyway, back to what I was saying... Every problem has a way out, am I right? So I should stop focusing on what the problem is, how it came to me, and start focusing on how to get out of it. And I guess that's what my friends are trying to do for me. I appreciate it, really appreciate it.

Okay, so think positive? Hm, I'll try. I'll TRY. If I fail, I'll try to try again till I get out of this mousetrap. (Suddenly crazy) I LOVE HAZIQ!!!! DO YOU LOVE ME??? *kening kening* Again, that was Jin Zhe.

Okay, okay, I'll stop talking about my problems. It's frustrating. I'll just end up crying with drugs in my hand, looking like a stripper. Which, I won't do that, 'cause it's illegal and just wrong. DON'T GET ANY IDEAS, AMILAH. Kay, my good side of the brain has talked. I'll shut up now.