Here I am, asking myself unanswerable questions, and hoping for answers. But will there be? Shouldn't I be doing something else? Like, my homework or practicing the piano since my exam is in less than a month. Shouldn't I go making weird jokes with my friends instead of sitting down, disappointed 'cause the things I want to happen, doesn't? Why should I put him first, when he puts me second or third or fourth or fifth? Why should I wait for him, when he clearly never waited for me? Why should I get disappointed when we don't get to talk to each other, when he's the one who does that to me? Why?
Sometimes I think that we shouldn't even be together, since he's been treating me like this, since forever! But when I try to imagine us not being together, I can't. Because I've been with him for so long, I can't imagine how life would be without him. It's not that I don't have feelings for him anymore. It's just that, I don't wanna be let down anymore. I don't wanna cry over something small anymore. I don't wanna be treated like I'm second or third or fourth or fifth anymore. Maybe I can't expect the whole package, but at least to be treated a little bit better. And I don't want to be treated better just because you have to do it, I want it because you want to do it, get it? There's a difference. A big one.
I don't know.... Maybe I'm just being insecure. Maybe he's just busy. Maybe he just needs more time alone. Yeah, sure. 5 days isn't enough already. Maybe he's tired from camping. Maybe he misses his game? So the game matters more than you do? Maybe. He's played his game since he was like, twelve. They've been together a year before I met him, so yeah, I guess. Games have no feelings, Amilah. Maybe so, but I can't simply tell him how I feel, can I?
THIS IS THE PROBLEM OF HAVING A BRAIN THAT THINKS TOO MUCH !
But, what's bothering me now, is that, does he feel the same way? I mean, does he feel the spark when he talks to me? Does he feel fireworks when I touch him? Why is it so awkward between us? There are no words to speak. The time feels long when we chat. As if he wants it to end right away. Why doesn't he reply my chat as soon as I type something? Does he smile like crazy when he chats with me or think about me? Does he even think of me? Do I bore him? Does he think I'm annoying and freaky, stalking him and checking his phone for a long time and all that? Does he think I'm lame? Does he think I'm not worthy of knowing even the smallest things about him? Would he answer if I ask him all these questions? Or would he just lie to make me feel better, 'cause he thinks I won't know if he does?
I know I've probably written about this like, two million times, but I just can't help it. I don't want to feel uncomfortable with him. I don't want to think we'd be better off if we'd break up. I don't want to feel as if I don't matter to him. I don't want him to have me as his girlfriend if he can't accept who I am. I don't want him to have me as his girlfriend if he doesn't feel butterflies in his stomach or fireworks in his heart. I don't want him to think that I'm just plain-old-boring-Amilah.
You know what I want? I want him to smile because of me. I want him to tell me that I'm the only one for him and mean it. I want him to talk to me like there's no tomorrow. I want him to tell me everything that happens in his life, small or big. I want him to get excited when I tell him small stuff. I want him to care more. I want him to know that spending time with him is the most valuable moment in my life. Every second of it. I want him to be there when I'm insecure and tell me that everything's okay, 'cause he'd be there by my side whenever I need him. I want him to say that he loves me at the most unsuitable moment, because there really aren't any unsuitable moment to say, "I love you." I want him to make me feel like I'm important. Like I matter to him. I want him to show me how much I mean to him. I want him to not feel annoyed or irritated by me when I say something immature. I want him to think of crazy things with me, like eloping or kidnapping me and give me the best day of my life. Not that I want that to happen, but I just want to know that he thinks of those kind of things. I want him to do something with me without having to plan or ask me first. I want him to feel like we're made for each other.
I know it can't happen, all of that and he'd feel as if I'm such a control freak if I tell him that, because I can't control him, but I just want him to know. Not to tell me that he gives me freedom and that I can do anything I want if I want to. Because that's not what I want. The last thing I want from him is freedom. If I wanted freedom, I'd break up with him a long time ago, and flirt with other guys and have 1-day-relationships. If I'd wanted freedom, I'd never get together with him in the first place. It's because I didn't want freedom is why I'm still with him. How can he not see that? How can he say that he gives me freedom? It's like he doesn't even care....
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