Reality. Not Really What I Fancy

I don't know why, but today was like, crying day or something, because everyone was emotional for some reason. Here's how it went...

When I got to English class, Shania told me that Haziq got into a relationship with Double Dee. Okay, at first, I was happy for my friend, because, well, I don't know why. But, for the time being, I thought it was a prank. But then, Shania asked me why Haziq broke up with me, and after I told her, she told me that I was wrong, and the actual reason was because he's in love with my very friend, Dina Dzafira. And I gotta be honest, I was disappointed, because he lied. My heart was breaking at that moment. Shania was convincing me to believe it, and I just, I don't know, I had too much to think about. My mind was spinning with words, and my heart was aching. I couldn't process what was happening actually. And when she convinced me, my eyes kinda teared up, just a second before they told me it was just a prank. And when that was out, I burst out into tears, I don't know why.

For the whole English lesson, I was emotional, because, the thought of Haziq being with someone else, well, it just hurts. And to make it worse, Raihah, sitting beside me, was telling me how silly it is to be like this. Because we're not together anymore, and I should just let go. I mean, it's not that easy to let go of someone I love. I tried. I just wasn't ready to let go yet. I see him everyday, and I don't know, it's just not easy. You try. Loving somebody for about a year, and then, let go of him/her. It's not like, in a single blink, the feelings would just go away. If it's like that, I wouldn't be feeling the way I feel towards him the way I do now.

And during recess, Dina was like, apologizing to me, because she felt guilty for being in on the prank, but I wasn't mad. I really wasn't. I was being emotional, because, well, I can't bear to think of Haziq being with somebody else. After all this time... Maybe it really is stupid to be holding on to him, because he might not be feeling the same way that I do towards him anymore. All the way through recess, I was standing by a pole, staring at him, talking to Kamalesh about it. About how he might hate me. Tears kept rolling down my cheeks. Kamalesh kept telling me to stop crying, and every time I did, I started again.

A few minutes after that, Dina was sitting in one corner, crying. For whatever reason, I don't know. I tried to talk to her, but she didn't reply. And when I knew there was no hope, I went back to thinking about what I thought before. I thought that Dina was sad, because she thinks I was mad at her, about the whole prank thing. But I don't know. I didn't bother to find out. Not really. Sorry, Dina. But you were just not answering, so, yeah.

When Kamalesh asked Haziq to talk to me, he didn't want to, which obviously meant that he doesn't like me anymore. And I'm sitting here, writing this, so pathetically, because no one actually cares. Only I do, about my feelings towards him. I kinda started crying again. I don't know what it is with me, but I just couldn't control it. Lutfil and Adil were just staring at me. Like, I'm some weirdo or something, but I don't blame them. It's not something that happens everyday anyway.

Later on, Kamalesh came to me with more bad news. He said that DD was crying because Sonia told her, that I hate everybody that likes DD. He said Sonia told him to go away, because she knew that Kamalesh was on my side. I was like, "WHATTHEHELL?! What did I do? What happened?" So, I rushed to DD, and told her, right to her face, that I do not hate her. God, my face was full of tears. I kept crying. I don't know why. I walked along the corridor, telling Aqilah what happened. It didn't help. I just burst into more and more tears. Thinking that my very own friends hate me... That's just saddening. Everybody was asking if I was okay, and I had to lie. I didn't want anybody to get worried about me or anything, but it was nice of them to be concern.

Seeing him smile, even for three seconds, it's just wonderful. Even with the thought of him might be in love with someone else, or him hating me. His face, his grin. They're just amazing. And I don't wanna let go. I seriously don't. Because sparks flew in my heart when I saw his smiling face, even if it wasn't because of me. Even if he didn't look at me. That smile of his brought back a lot of memories. I kept staring at him, thinking about the good moments we had. The thought of anybody watching didn't occur to me. It wasn't important. Because for that second, only his smile mattered. I could hear the way he laughs, the way his voice sounds when he tries to act mad, of when he whispered into my ears. I kept thinking that I should stop, because he would never come to me, and tell me what I wanted to hear, because it's not true anymore. And it never will be anymore.

That was when I snapped back to the real world. The reality hurts. Real bad.

The chorus of the S Club's Say Goodbye, kind of relates to how I feel...

Sometimes goodbye though it hurts in your heart is the only way for destiny
Sometimes goodbye though it hurts is the only way now for you and me
Though its the hardest thing to say
I'll miss your love in every way
So say goodbye
But don't you cry
Because a true love never dies

If true love never dies, I guess, what Haziq had for me, was not true love.

Thinking about it now, it hurts my heart. It's like, it's breaking into tiny bits. I don't know why, but it just hurts too much. I'm sorry. I can't write anymore. It just hurts too much :(.

“We can never turn back the pages of time, though we may wish to relive a happy moment, or say goodbye just one last time, we never can, because the sands of time continue to fall, and we can’t turn the hourglass over.”

“Some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it is letting go.” — Herman Hesse

“Change is never easy, you fight to hold on, and you fight to let go.” – The Wonder Years

“True love doesn’t have a happy ending, because true love never ends. Letting go is one way of saying I love you.”