Do I Matter?

I don't know what to say. I don't know how to feel. I don't know what to THINK. I don't know how to concentrate on something. I just don't know. Maybe it's because my mood isn't right at this time. Maybe it's just because I'm sleepy? Maybe it's because I haven't finished doing my homework. Or is it? I'm really confuse. Do I love you? Or do I just think of you as my normal friend? Because I never really get that flutter in my heart anymore. Unless you say words that gets to me.

Did I make the right decision? Did you? Was what we had real? Am I just confused about all this thing? Am I supposed to feel this way? Am I supposed to think this way? Should I have never met you, when I was supposed to? Should I have tried to keep my distance when you were ex-best friend's boy? Would I be better off if I'd continue thinking you were a wei,rdo who obviously liked me, when we first chatted? Should I have stayed just being with my girl friends?

I don't know why, but when I was in the train this evening, I couldn't help thinking about you. What has happened between us. What I felt was indescribable. It was a mixture of sadness and regrets. It was confusion. It's still what I feel now. I'm still confused. I don't know what has happened to me. Why all of a sudden? Why not the other day, when it happened? Why now? Why have I just realized it now?

It's not like I'm not accepting what's happening right now. Because I have. I have accepted the situation. The second you said it. I agreed to end it and stay friends. I agreed to everything you said. But I just don't know. It's not that I want you back. But it's not that I don't want you back. Like I said, it's all so confusing. And it's happening now. On this very Sunday. I don't think I have feelings for you anymore, but am I right? You can't possibly feel it all the time, can you? And if I don't, why am I so confused? Wouldn't I just accept it?

Why should I have any for you anyway? The way you've been treating me, it's not really great. But how come I've never noticed this before? How come I just stuck to it? Why was it so suddenly that I came to my senses and wrote that 6 page letter to you? WHY DID I EVEN WRITE ON THOSE PIECES OF PAPER?! Why wasn't I feeling what I did towards you, like I did on the 26th and 27th of June 2010? Why?

We're too young? Is that it? What does age gotta do with what you're feeling inside? I don't think it has anything to do with it, does it? Am I right? I could be wrong. I'm always wrong, so, why shouldn't I be about this?

How come I agreed to end it just because of a stupid reason? How could I even look at you? Or talk to you? Or still be your friend? OH MY GOD! How could I have been so stupid?! It was obvious from the very start! It was so clear already. How could I have not seen it? How could I have been so blind? Love is blind. Yes, anonymous person who stated that. I think I agree with you now.

But how come it didn't matter right then? How come I mattered at that time? How come I came first? Or at least, you made me feel that way. How come now, you go online to chat with me, because you pity me? How come you talk to me at school, because if you don't, I'd be sad? How come it's never because you wanted to anymore? How come this all happened? How can you even do that? It was simple. If you didn't want me, or if I was too much for you, why did you made me fall into your trap? Why did you become my friend in the first place? Why did you act all so nice when we first met? How come you were that guy back then? Why are you not him anymore? What? I'm too hard for you to handle?

Since when did I came in second? Since when am I not as important? Why am I not as important? Did I ever mean anything to you? Yes, I'm beginning to think like that. Wanna know why? Because you haven't really shown it. Am I a person to you? Or am I a child who is your responsibility to take care of? Tell me, was it hard to take care of me? Seriously! Try viewing your chat histories and put the puzzle pieces together. If you still can't get it, try putting yourself in my shoes! I know, selfish, isn't it? Yeah, you're gonna tell me the same thing. But I don't know how to put myself in your shoes, as you've never really told me how to, have you?

Like I said, I don't know. I might just be in a bad mood or so.