Ever heard of Jesse McCartney's song, Just So You Know?
As the first few lines go:
I shouldn't love you but I want to
I just can't turn away
I shouldn't see you but I can't move
I can't look away
And I don't know
How to be fine when I'm not
'Cause I don't know
How to make a feeling stop
Just so you know
This feeling's takin' control
Of me and I can't help it
It kinda explains exactly how my situation is right now. Especially the line that says, "I don't know how to be fine when I'm not." Tell me. How am I supposed to feel just fine when in my head, it's full of confusion and in my heart, anger and sadness? How is that fine? How can I even act fine when it's like that? Unless your definition of fine is having trouble sleeping and concentrating in class, because your mind is full of confusion, tell me how to be fine. Tell me what I should do.
Should I let go? Because I've been having thoughts about letting the feelings I have for Haziq go. What would that mean after that? We won't talk to each other at all? We'd just look at each other in some guilt? Because I don't want that. And if I keep it, I'd be like this, until I get the answers I want. But that's the thing. I don't want to talk to him about it. I'm fine knowing he's happy with this situation. I'm just not fine with me. Myself. I don't want him to be thinking of me like I'm some wimpy kid who can't do anything herself and all that. Even if we are broken up, I still care what he thinks.
I'm just scared. Of everything. If I tell him about what I'm feeling and keeping inside, things might change. Not in the good way. If I don't tell him, I'd just be thinking about it all day and night, and at some point, cry my heart out.
Sometimes, I just want things to go back to how they were before this whole thing happened. Sometimes, I just wish that I've never even met him. Or at least fall for him. Sometimes, I think about how I got myself into this. I don't know. It was just a sick coincidence that he liked me at the same time, maybe.
I don't know what to do. I am completely clueless. And I forgot what I wanted to say :|. But I've just thought about something. Maybe I should let go of him. It's not like, he's ever gonna go to me, and tell me how strong his feelings are for me, as it might not be there anymore. It's not like he's ever gonna write a whole essay about how much he loves me or tell me how much I mean to him, because I don't think I do mean anything to him. It seems like his game means so much more to him than I ever did. It's not like this situation that we have here is ever going to change.
And oh wow, I'm pathetically writing this. How stupid of you, Amil. He might be not worth it. I don't know. My mind keeps telling me that, but I don't believe it. He's worth every fight, every moment I spent with him, every single teardrop that rolled down my cheeks. He's worth every mistake I've made. He's worth every single change I've made. Every single thing. I've never ever regretted any moment I've spent with him, bad or good. It might sound pathetic, but it's true. He might not cherish every moment he's spent with me, but that's fine. It's his choice, and I respect it.
Okay, so it's clear. I should let go of him. But no matter how much I try to let go, I'll still have the anger and sadness and questions in me. Maybe questions are meant to be left unanswered.
Haziq, just in case you happen to read this really pathetic blog post, I hope you'd prove me wrong, someday. I really don't want to let go. And just so you know, I'll always have feelings for you. Even if I don't feel it anymore, it'll still be there. Somewhere.
P.S. I copied Lisa's title. Sorry, Lisa! It was on my mind.
I just can't turn away
I shouldn't see you but I can't move
I can't look away
And I don't know
How to be fine when I'm not
'Cause I don't know
How to make a feeling stop
Just so you know
This feeling's takin' control
Of me and I can't help it
It kinda explains exactly how my situation is right now. Especially the line that says, "I don't know how to be fine when I'm not." Tell me. How am I supposed to feel just fine when in my head, it's full of confusion and in my heart, anger and sadness? How is that fine? How can I even act fine when it's like that? Unless your definition of fine is having trouble sleeping and concentrating in class, because your mind is full of confusion, tell me how to be fine. Tell me what I should do.
Should I let go? Because I've been having thoughts about letting the feelings I have for Haziq go. What would that mean after that? We won't talk to each other at all? We'd just look at each other in some guilt? Because I don't want that. And if I keep it, I'd be like this, until I get the answers I want. But that's the thing. I don't want to talk to him about it. I'm fine knowing he's happy with this situation. I'm just not fine with me. Myself. I don't want him to be thinking of me like I'm some wimpy kid who can't do anything herself and all that. Even if we are broken up, I still care what he thinks.
I'm just scared. Of everything. If I tell him about what I'm feeling and keeping inside, things might change. Not in the good way. If I don't tell him, I'd just be thinking about it all day and night, and at some point, cry my heart out.
Sometimes, I just want things to go back to how they were before this whole thing happened. Sometimes, I just wish that I've never even met him. Or at least fall for him. Sometimes, I think about how I got myself into this. I don't know. It was just a sick coincidence that he liked me at the same time, maybe.
I don't know what to do. I am completely clueless. And I forgot what I wanted to say :|. But I've just thought about something. Maybe I should let go of him. It's not like, he's ever gonna go to me, and tell me how strong his feelings are for me, as it might not be there anymore. It's not like he's ever gonna write a whole essay about how much he loves me or tell me how much I mean to him, because I don't think I do mean anything to him. It seems like his game means so much more to him than I ever did. It's not like this situation that we have here is ever going to change.
And oh wow, I'm pathetically writing this. How stupid of you, Amil. He might be not worth it. I don't know. My mind keeps telling me that, but I don't believe it. He's worth every fight, every moment I spent with him, every single teardrop that rolled down my cheeks. He's worth every mistake I've made. He's worth every single change I've made. Every single thing. I've never ever regretted any moment I've spent with him, bad or good. It might sound pathetic, but it's true. He might not cherish every moment he's spent with me, but that's fine. It's his choice, and I respect it.
Okay, so it's clear. I should let go of him. But no matter how much I try to let go, I'll still have the anger and sadness and questions in me. Maybe questions are meant to be left unanswered.
Haziq, just in case you happen to read this really pathetic blog post, I hope you'd prove me wrong, someday. I really don't want to let go. And just so you know, I'll always have feelings for you. Even if I don't feel it anymore, it'll still be there. Somewhere.
P.S. I copied Lisa's title. Sorry, Lisa! It was on my mind.
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