PEACE

ALL I want is to live in PEACE for a month, at least. I don't want any fights, any quarreling, any debates on Michael Jackson and Justin Bieber, I don't want emotional moments. I DO NOT WANT ANY OF THOSE, because those kind of situations ARE NOT peace.

I don't wanna tell why I want peace. I just do, OKAY? So, PLEASE. Anybody who knows why, just forget about it, and live the way we used to live, please?

And to that person who's been trying to make ME the enemy in my group of friends, deal with your own problems la! We got the truth. And THAT'S the only thing that matters. Stop making people cry and fight. You're just making it worse. For you and us. So, STOP!

AND FOR GOODNESS SAKE, LET ME LIVE IN PEACE !

Let us forgive each other – only then will we live in peace ~ Leo Nikolaevich Tolstoy

Reality. Not Really What I Fancy

I don't know why, but today was like, crying day or something, because everyone was emotional for some reason. Here's how it went...

When I got to English class, Shania told me that Haziq got into a relationship with Double Dee. Okay, at first, I was happy for my friend, because, well, I don't know why. But, for the time being, I thought it was a prank. But then, Shania asked me why Haziq broke up with me, and after I told her, she told me that I was wrong, and the actual reason was because he's in love with my very friend, Dina Dzafira. And I gotta be honest, I was disappointed, because he lied. My heart was breaking at that moment. Shania was convincing me to believe it, and I just, I don't know, I had too much to think about. My mind was spinning with words, and my heart was aching. I couldn't process what was happening actually. And when she convinced me, my eyes kinda teared up, just a second before they told me it was just a prank. And when that was out, I burst out into tears, I don't know why.

For the whole English lesson, I was emotional, because, the thought of Haziq being with someone else, well, it just hurts. And to make it worse, Raihah, sitting beside me, was telling me how silly it is to be like this. Because we're not together anymore, and I should just let go. I mean, it's not that easy to let go of someone I love. I tried. I just wasn't ready to let go yet. I see him everyday, and I don't know, it's just not easy. You try. Loving somebody for about a year, and then, let go of him/her. It's not like, in a single blink, the feelings would just go away. If it's like that, I wouldn't be feeling the way I feel towards him the way I do now.

And during recess, Dina was like, apologizing to me, because she felt guilty for being in on the prank, but I wasn't mad. I really wasn't. I was being emotional, because, well, I can't bear to think of Haziq being with somebody else. After all this time... Maybe it really is stupid to be holding on to him, because he might not be feeling the same way that I do towards him anymore. All the way through recess, I was standing by a pole, staring at him, talking to Kamalesh about it. About how he might hate me. Tears kept rolling down my cheeks. Kamalesh kept telling me to stop crying, and every time I did, I started again.

A few minutes after that, Dina was sitting in one corner, crying. For whatever reason, I don't know. I tried to talk to her, but she didn't reply. And when I knew there was no hope, I went back to thinking about what I thought before. I thought that Dina was sad, because she thinks I was mad at her, about the whole prank thing. But I don't know. I didn't bother to find out. Not really. Sorry, Dina. But you were just not answering, so, yeah.

When Kamalesh asked Haziq to talk to me, he didn't want to, which obviously meant that he doesn't like me anymore. And I'm sitting here, writing this, so pathetically, because no one actually cares. Only I do, about my feelings towards him. I kinda started crying again. I don't know what it is with me, but I just couldn't control it. Lutfil and Adil were just staring at me. Like, I'm some weirdo or something, but I don't blame them. It's not something that happens everyday anyway.

Later on, Kamalesh came to me with more bad news. He said that DD was crying because Sonia told her, that I hate everybody that likes DD. He said Sonia told him to go away, because she knew that Kamalesh was on my side. I was like, "WHATTHEHELL?! What did I do? What happened?" So, I rushed to DD, and told her, right to her face, that I do not hate her. God, my face was full of tears. I kept crying. I don't know why. I walked along the corridor, telling Aqilah what happened. It didn't help. I just burst into more and more tears. Thinking that my very own friends hate me... That's just saddening. Everybody was asking if I was okay, and I had to lie. I didn't want anybody to get worried about me or anything, but it was nice of them to be concern.

Seeing him smile, even for three seconds, it's just wonderful. Even with the thought of him might be in love with someone else, or him hating me. His face, his grin. They're just amazing. And I don't wanna let go. I seriously don't. Because sparks flew in my heart when I saw his smiling face, even if it wasn't because of me. Even if he didn't look at me. That smile of his brought back a lot of memories. I kept staring at him, thinking about the good moments we had. The thought of anybody watching didn't occur to me. It wasn't important. Because for that second, only his smile mattered. I could hear the way he laughs, the way his voice sounds when he tries to act mad, of when he whispered into my ears. I kept thinking that I should stop, because he would never come to me, and tell me what I wanted to hear, because it's not true anymore. And it never will be anymore.

That was when I snapped back to the real world. The reality hurts. Real bad.

The chorus of the S Club's Say Goodbye, kind of relates to how I feel...

Sometimes goodbye though it hurts in your heart is the only way for destiny
Sometimes goodbye though it hurts is the only way now for you and me
Though its the hardest thing to say
I'll miss your love in every way
So say goodbye
But don't you cry
Because a true love never dies

If true love never dies, I guess, what Haziq had for me, was not true love.

Thinking about it now, it hurts my heart. It's like, it's breaking into tiny bits. I don't know why, but it just hurts too much. I'm sorry. I can't write anymore. It just hurts too much :(.

“We can never turn back the pages of time, though we may wish to relive a happy moment, or say goodbye just one last time, we never can, because the sands of time continue to fall, and we can’t turn the hourglass over.”

“Some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it is letting go.” — Herman Hesse

“Change is never easy, you fight to hold on, and you fight to let go.” – The Wonder Years

“True love doesn’t have a happy ending, because true love never ends. Letting go is one way of saying I love you.”

Let It Go?

For the past few days, I've been thinking about my ex-boyfriend quite a lot. About how he had left me for a stupid reason. Yes, Haziq. It was a stupid reason. About if I should be mad or not. Sad or happy. Because I don't know! If I don't still have feelings for him, it would just be easy. But I do. I don't know why. I shouldn't, 'cause it's over between us, but somehow, it's getting stronger. Only, it's not the kind of feeling that's happy. It's the kind that needs explanation. There's anger in it. A lot of sadness and just full of confusion.

Ever heard of Jesse McCartney's song, Just So You Know?

As the first few lines go:

I shouldn't love you but I want to
I just can't turn away
I shouldn't see you but I can't move
I can't look away

And I don't know
How to be fine when I'm not
'Cause I don't know
How to make a feeling stop

Just so you know
This feeling's takin' control
Of me and I can't help it

It kinda explains exactly how my situation is right now. Especially the line that says, "I don't know how to be fine when I'm not." Tell me. How am I supposed to feel just fine when in my head, it's full of confusion and in my heart, anger and sadness? How is that fine? How can I even act fine when it's like that? Unless your definition of fine is having trouble sleeping and concentrating in class, because your mind is full of confusion, tell me how to be fine. Tell me what I should do.

Should I let go? Because I've been having thoughts about letting the feelings I have for Haziq go. What would that mean after that? We won't talk to each other at all? We'd just look at each other in some guilt? Because I don't want that. And if I keep it, I'd be like this, until I get the answers I want. But that's the thing. I don't want to talk to him about it. I'm fine knowing he's happy with this situation. I'm just not fine with me. Myself. I don't want him to be thinking of me like I'm some wimpy kid who can't do anything herself and all that. Even if we are broken up, I still care what he thinks.

I'm just scared. Of everything. If I tell him about what I'm feeling and keeping inside, things might change. Not in the good way. If I don't tell him, I'd just be thinking about it all day and night, and at some point, cry my heart out.

Sometimes, I just want things to go back to how they were before this whole thing happened. Sometimes, I just wish that I've never even met him. Or at least fall for him. Sometimes, I think about how I got myself into this. I don't know. It was just a sick coincidence that he liked me at the same time, maybe.

I don't know what to do. I am completely clueless. And I forgot what I wanted to say :|. But I've just thought about something. Maybe I should let go of him. It's not like, he's ever gonna go to me, and tell me how strong his feelings are for me, as it might not be there anymore. It's not like he's ever gonna write a whole essay about how much he loves me or tell me how much I mean to him, because I don't think I do mean anything to him. It seems like his game means so much more to him than I ever did. It's not like this situation that we have here is ever going to change.

And oh wow, I'm pathetically writing this. How stupid of you, Amil. He might be not worth it. I don't know. My mind keeps telling me that, but I don't believe it. He's worth every fight, every moment I spent with him, every single teardrop that rolled down my cheeks. He's worth every mistake I've made. He's worth every single change I've made. Every single thing. I've never ever regretted any moment I've spent with him, bad or good. It might sound pathetic, but it's true. He might not cherish every moment he's spent with me, but that's fine. It's his choice, and I respect it.

Okay, so it's clear. I should let go of him. But no matter how much I try to let go, I'll still have the anger and sadness and questions in me. Maybe questions are meant to be left unanswered.

Haziq, just in case you happen to read this really pathetic blog post, I hope you'd prove me wrong, someday. I really don't want to let go. And just so you know, I'll always have feelings for you. Even if I don't feel it anymore, it'll still be there. Somewhere.

P.S. I copied Lisa's title. Sorry, Lisa! It was on my mind.

Criticism

I've been getting a LOT of offending statements about me lately. And I've just realized why. I know, what kind of girl, who's been criticized by a lot of people, just realized this NOW? Hasn't it been clear enough, the first time she was criticized? God, Amilah, you're just so dumb!

Yeah, you can say that. I admit it myself, I'm not the smartest kid around. And realizing something, yeah, not really my thing. I don't like realizing things, because it ALWAYS comes back to me. It's all me, me, ME. All MY fault. Yes, you can say I'm a person with lots of faults. I don't really know how to do things perfectly, as I am only human. I cannot do great things. I'm just mediocre, unlike some people, who are great. Like my friends. I see them everyday, talking like nothing else matters around them. They don't worry about anything. And when people talk bad behind them, they don't go round cursing them with swear words or cry in the girls' bathroom. They're great. And, to be honest, every time I think about them, I wish I was like them.

Criticism is actually helpful in life. Because it helps you to realize yourself on how you act around people or in what you do to get attention but most importantly, your attitude. Sure, it can be offending, when people point out your flaws, but think about it. Don't the criticisms make you think about how you've been acting lately? 'Cause it does that to me all the time. Although you make think some statements aren't true, it's like that to other people. You might not see it, but they do. They think of you that way.

What if you're going to a new school, and you act the way you act, e.g. like a bitch. What do you think people's first impressions of you are? Nice? Friendly? No! They'd think that you're some snobby rich kid from wherever the hell you came from. They'd think you'd pick friends, and to some people in the slightly lower class - no offense - you'd be some bitch who'd try her best to ruin their lives. Get what I mean? If you don't, sorry.

Point is, criticism is actually a good thing. It kinda makes you a better person, don't you think? (Have I said that already?) And yeah, you may think that the person who points out your flaws is not perfect himself, yet he talks like he's all perfect, and you're so imperfect. But is he right? That's what matters. Whether he's right about you or not. If he's wrong, point it out. But if he's right, and you're in denial, don't shout and scold him or anything, as he didn't do anything wrong, except pointing out your imperfections. Look on the positive side. Maybe he's trying to save you from utter embarrassment. Maybe he's trying to make you into a better person. Maybe so. Maybe not. You can never know. It can also be because he's embarrassed to be your friend. There are plenty of reasons why a person would point out your flaws. And to tell you the truth, it doesn't really matter. If he's doing it for your own good, then, he cares about you. He or she la, doesn't matter. If he's doing it to get out of embarrassment, then, he's just selfish, and you'd know better to not be friends with him.

When people criticize you, the criticism is about what they think of you. So, don't go crying on somebody's shoulder just because someone tried to help you turn out to be a better person. Promise me something. When the next person criticizes you, try to control your temper, and let him finish. Try to think of the positive side, instead of the negative. Just the next time around. On other times, you do what you want, for all I care.

One last thing, if you have ANYTHING to point out to me, about my flaws, you can. I won't be mad. I'll try, at least. I promise! And don't worry, I won't talk bad behind you. I'll think it, but hey, I'm just human! I'm mediocre. Maybe even less that than. Give me a chance, will you?

And to Haziq, and everybody that I lost my temper to for criticizing me, I'm sorry. Will you ever forgive me?

Do I Matter?

I don't know what to say. I don't know how to feel. I don't know what to THINK. I don't know how to concentrate on something. I just don't know. Maybe it's because my mood isn't right at this time. Maybe it's just because I'm sleepy? Maybe it's because I haven't finished doing my homework. Or is it? I'm really confuse. Do I love you? Or do I just think of you as my normal friend? Because I never really get that flutter in my heart anymore. Unless you say words that gets to me.

Did I make the right decision? Did you? Was what we had real? Am I just confused about all this thing? Am I supposed to feel this way? Am I supposed to think this way? Should I have never met you, when I was supposed to? Should I have tried to keep my distance when you were ex-best friend's boy? Would I be better off if I'd continue thinking you were a wei,rdo who obviously liked me, when we first chatted? Should I have stayed just being with my girl friends?

I don't know why, but when I was in the train this evening, I couldn't help thinking about you. What has happened between us. What I felt was indescribable. It was a mixture of sadness and regrets. It was confusion. It's still what I feel now. I'm still confused. I don't know what has happened to me. Why all of a sudden? Why not the other day, when it happened? Why now? Why have I just realized it now?

It's not like I'm not accepting what's happening right now. Because I have. I have accepted the situation. The second you said it. I agreed to end it and stay friends. I agreed to everything you said. But I just don't know. It's not that I want you back. But it's not that I don't want you back. Like I said, it's all so confusing. And it's happening now. On this very Sunday. I don't think I have feelings for you anymore, but am I right? You can't possibly feel it all the time, can you? And if I don't, why am I so confused? Wouldn't I just accept it?

Why should I have any for you anyway? The way you've been treating me, it's not really great. But how come I've never noticed this before? How come I just stuck to it? Why was it so suddenly that I came to my senses and wrote that 6 page letter to you? WHY DID I EVEN WRITE ON THOSE PIECES OF PAPER?! Why wasn't I feeling what I did towards you, like I did on the 26th and 27th of June 2010? Why?

We're too young? Is that it? What does age gotta do with what you're feeling inside? I don't think it has anything to do with it, does it? Am I right? I could be wrong. I'm always wrong, so, why shouldn't I be about this?

How come I agreed to end it just because of a stupid reason? How could I even look at you? Or talk to you? Or still be your friend? OH MY GOD! How could I have been so stupid?! It was obvious from the very start! It was so clear already. How could I have not seen it? How could I have been so blind? Love is blind. Yes, anonymous person who stated that. I think I agree with you now.

But how come it didn't matter right then? How come I mattered at that time? How come I came first? Or at least, you made me feel that way. How come now, you go online to chat with me, because you pity me? How come you talk to me at school, because if you don't, I'd be sad? How come it's never because you wanted to anymore? How come this all happened? How can you even do that? It was simple. If you didn't want me, or if I was too much for you, why did you made me fall into your trap? Why did you become my friend in the first place? Why did you act all so nice when we first met? How come you were that guy back then? Why are you not him anymore? What? I'm too hard for you to handle?

Since when did I came in second? Since when am I not as important? Why am I not as important? Did I ever mean anything to you? Yes, I'm beginning to think like that. Wanna know why? Because you haven't really shown it. Am I a person to you? Or am I a child who is your responsibility to take care of? Tell me, was it hard to take care of me? Seriously! Try viewing your chat histories and put the puzzle pieces together. If you still can't get it, try putting yourself in my shoes! I know, selfish, isn't it? Yeah, you're gonna tell me the same thing. But I don't know how to put myself in your shoes, as you've never really told me how to, have you?

Like I said, I don't know. I might just be in a bad mood or so.

How To Write An Essay?

I've been thinking, since the oral test in my English is coming up, about how to write. I mean, to write is a simple thing, but to make it original and lavish, that's hard. It's not like I'm in second grade anymore, where you can write "essays" like, "My name is blah blah. I am 8 years old. I study at .... " I'm in my second form of high school already. And since my school is under the English niche, surely teachers have high expectations. To make it harder, I'm in the first English class out of three, and as you can guess, ALL the students in my class are amazingly good in English. They may speak a little broken-like, but seriously, they're good! I can never compete with them. Okay, maybe I can, if I practice my English 24/7, but I don't have that kind of time right about now.

In the oral test, I've gotta choose from five topics, which are:

• Good Times Together
  
• Jobs People Do
• Changing Scenes
• City Extra
• The Value of Friendship

You know what's harder than writing an essay? PICKING A TOPIC WHEN YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT ! If you're me, that is.

You see, from my point of view, there are good points on each topic. For example, if I choose Good Times Together, I can write about my experiences; good ones. And elaborate it. But I've tried that once on my Essay, the one my teacher asked us to write, and I failed. Kind of. As you know, I'm really bad at the starting. It can take me about 10 minutes to figure out what to write on the starting of my essay. By the time I reach the point where I get lots of ideas what to write about, the time is almost over. So, I gotta make it right! Make the right decisions. Stuff like that.

Jobs people do. I can write A LOT about that. Since I live in the city, and because my parents are kind of workaholics, I can really relate to jobs. Okay, what the hell am I crapping? I mean, I can see how busy working people are. How so little time they have. How they tend to juggle work and family and leisure. And about what different people do. Like, doctors for example. They don't have the same tasks as businessmen do. They treat patients while businessmen deal with employees and stare at the computer screen three quarters of the day. And what about farmers? Even they matter. They provide us with their crops. Without them, we wouldn't have any vegetables to eat, do we? And street sweepers; even if they get a low amount of money, they still help the city to stay clean. There are probably 200 jobs to choose from in this world, so I'd get a lot of contents by writing about this on my oral. And I don't even have to memorize my oral, as it's not really something you have to memorize about, really.

Changing scenes. Well, that one, I don't quite understand it. But I think it's something about moving to another place?

Okay, maybe I may have been a little bit right. I just reviewed the text book and it's actually about comparing a city and a village. Or maybe I could write about what I see on my trips to wherever I went in the world. Like, how different it is from Malaysia. Different scenery. Different architectures, designs and all that. About the weather. About the people. The buildings. The houses. The gardens. There's a lot to talk about. But it wouldn't be such a great story, if I'm going to have to talk in front of the whole class about it. If it's an essay writing contest, then, maybe, that's a good topic to write about, don't you think so?

What about city extra? I live in the city. I've visited a lot of cities all over the world, and it seems like a good topic. Life in the city. Surely it's different from life in the countryside, am I right? People there are always on a busy schedule. Your time couldn't go any slower. It's always rush, rush, rush! In the city, you'd probably get lots of news, like, a robbery at a certain jewelry shop or haze or gangsters controlling allies in between buildings or accidents, etc. There would be a lot of newspaper editors and anchormen. And since everybody there are all so busy with work, they hardly have time to meet their neighbours, and that leads to a neighbourhood full of strangers. Nobody knows anybody. Basically, life in the city is hard.

Last but not least, the value of friendship. This topic, I think, it might be easiest one of all. It's about friends. I can talk about how grateful I am to have friends like mine. How important they are in my life. Even if we ever fight, we'd forget it the next day. I can talk about how much I'd do for them, how I never want any more than what they've given me. Because, they've helped me go through thick and thin situations. We've had fun, we've had bad times. Shared stories and all that. We can never get bored when we have each other around. The more the merrier. And then, there are people who are foolish enough to not care about their friends. Some people, when they've achieved popularity, they forget about who has helped them, who stood by their side when they got rejected or anything. So, when you have friends, value them. Because they are priceless. Sometimes, when you make a foolish decision to leave your friends, well, think again. You'd understand how much you need them by your side. They're the only ones that could help you. But since you've left them, how are they going to accept you back? Conclusion is, never ever make a decision that will make you lose your friends. As you grow up, you'll realize that they are the ones that should be on your priority list. Trust me, I've been there. And I was lucky enough that my best friends accepted me again. See? True friends would do anything for you. Cherish them forever.

Well, that was... interesting. I've got contents for every topic. Bad news: I still don't know which one to pick. Surely I would not pick good times together, as I've stated above, I wrote that kind of essay already. The others are quite good topics. What do you think? Which one should I pick? I don't think so I'd be good enough to write about changing scenes, as I've never really visited a real countryside. I've seen countryside scenery, but never experienced living in one. So, I'd have no clue. Maybe I should write three essays of three topics and pick the best one? Yeah, it would be a lot of work, but I guess it would be worth it. I need an A and when in my class, I have got to be good! Better than good! Try to achieve the best. Why settle for average when you can be the best, right?