Clinginess at its best

Am i that clingy? Did DD just retweeted all those tweets to make me feel better? Cause thats the good thing about her, she knows how to make people feel better. A lot better. But that's not the point. The point is.. Actually i dont know what the point it. I guess im just having my normal insecurities. 

Do you know that feeling where youre like you really dont wanna speak to someone just because but you keep wanting them to talk to you? I mean, thats weird isnt it? 

And how youve been trying to stop falling in love, to convince yourself that you and someone are not meant to be but then he shows more of himself and thats what you want and thats who you are and well shit just got worse? 

Do you ever forget who you are? And who you wanna be? Or what you wanna be? Or how you wanna be? Do you ever just get so caught in the moment, in the world, that you forget that a lot of other things matter more? Until you forget what you've learned and who you wanna become really and what the future would be like if youre like this or like that? 

Have you ever been in a situation so messed up that its not messed up at all? And have feelings so all over the place but just in one place? And think so much until you cant sleep at night but not think at all?

Am i making sense?

Of course i am, things wouldnt make sense if it werent any sense in writing them.

Yeah well that doesnt make sense.

But yeah, could what izz said be true? Im really that clingy? Because thats probably why things ended with me and him. And things ended with me and well everybody really. Cause im clingy?

I could name a whole bunch of people who are clingier than me, but truth be told, that wouldnt make me feel better. And some people would say that what does it matter if im clingy cause a lot of people still love me for who i am and yeah thatd make me feel better for about a day or two but then id still feel bad because i know for a fact that that is who i am and i honestly have no idea how to change that. 

And i hate that im not included in something. I hate that im not the most important and that im not as cool and that i dont get all the opportunities. But i know that thats just selfish of me cause i should be thankful for every little thing that i have because its more than enough. 

Ive got nothing better to do than just rant here because this is just too silly to be heard by anybody. 

To think that im extraordinary? Wow you must be delusional. 

You can be so much and you can act as whoever you want for any period of time youd like but you can never really escape who you actually are. 

Shine in the spotlight

"She'll always be everything I'm not and she'll always be better than who I'll ever be. I know that we have to accept who we are and love ourselves just how we are because that's us and nothing's wrong because nobodys perfect and everybody, even those with the most luxurious lives, go through pain and misery at some points in their lives. They have their own insecurities and their own fears and problems.

But some people are just so perfect on the outside it gets me all questioning about myself. She's pretty in all her pictures, in everything that she wears. she's smart and funny and wise. she's cool, way cooler than I'll ever be. She's friendly and creative and kind and thoughtful. she's beautiful in every way possible. she's fun and she sings and she's wild, young and free.

I want that. I want to be like her. I wanna step outside of my body for a week and just live in hers and enjoy what its like to be someone so extraordinary and so beautiful."

Blood is thicker than water?

Sometimes you meet people and sometimes you get attached and unattaching yourself is probably the hardest thing ever to do cause it involves feelings like getting hurt and missing that person terribly. But sometimes you're born attached to a person, whether you like it or not. I dont mean literally, though. I mean, like, siblings.

Sometimes you meet new people and you fall in love. With siblings, i guess you just have to love them without a choice? But you know, like siblings love as in with all the fights and never showing you love them love.

So sometimes people you get attached to go away and when they're out of sight, they're not exactly out of mind. Instead, you miss them. You start to miss how things are when they were around and just the company of them. But sometimes you miss the person you see everyday, the person who lives under the same roof as you. Sometimes you miss talking to them even though you dont really talk often or a lot. Sometimes you miss going out with them. Sometimes you just miss them.

I dont know where im getting here but i guess all im saying is that i miss my sister? And that i actually get how aaliya feels when i go out with my friends or depend on my friends more than i do on her. Not that she wants me to depend on her or anything. But you know, sometimes when you dont see people often, you kinda expect them to hang out with you even though its rare that you do. Love is weird.

And then my conscience speaks

Note: read this in a british accent.

"Dear diary,

I dont understand this at all. If i were to think any harder, id crack my head open. What are these feelings? What are these thoughts? Theyre spinning round my head like those little kids playing ring around a roses. Theyre giving me sleep deprivation as well as insomnia. Why do i care so much? Why do i want to rush to his aid when hes in need and why does it frustrates me that i know i cant? Why do i think so much of it? Why do i let myself fall even when ive fallen over and over again and never hitting the ground on the spot that i want to fall on? I know that in reality, that spot on the ground doesnt exist because its just too surreal.

I dont think the world is being fair because ive been through this. What ever happened to lightning never strikes twice at the same place? I have to refrain myself from thinking too far. Thinking leads to hoping leads to getting hurt. But why dont i learn from all those times of getting hurt?

I hate this."



You know, Amil, maybe its because you want to feel that way?

Distant?

It's weird to feel so distant from someone. Being close but distant is one thing. But being distant, like really distant is weird. And then there's being distant and feeling connected, that's even weirder. Do you get me?

It feels hollow; like something's missing. Different. I can't put it to words. It's like something's taking bits and pieces of me down; slowly, making things fade. It feels... distant. Like I'm far, far away. And there's nothing I can do about it.


Or maybe I just miss you.