And then my conscience speaks

Note: read this in a british accent.

"Dear diary,

I dont understand this at all. If i were to think any harder, id crack my head open. What are these feelings? What are these thoughts? Theyre spinning round my head like those little kids playing ring around a roses. Theyre giving me sleep deprivation as well as insomnia. Why do i care so much? Why do i want to rush to his aid when hes in need and why does it frustrates me that i know i cant? Why do i think so much of it? Why do i let myself fall even when ive fallen over and over again and never hitting the ground on the spot that i want to fall on? I know that in reality, that spot on the ground doesnt exist because its just too surreal.

I dont think the world is being fair because ive been through this. What ever happened to lightning never strikes twice at the same place? I have to refrain myself from thinking too far. Thinking leads to hoping leads to getting hurt. But why dont i learn from all those times of getting hurt?

I hate this."



You know, Amil, maybe its because you want to feel that way?

Breaking rules

Skipping Friday prayers is a bad thing but the thing is, its not wajib for girls to do Friday prayers. And second, I wouldn't understand a thing the imam says and I definitely won't have khusyuk praying. So I am currently in my not so big metal locker in the dark, my phone being the only source of light, listening to people hurrying others to the surau and fast paced footsteps heading out. The world seems so calm and big even though I'm in my locker.

-

Nostalgia comes whenever it wants and when it does you can't do anything about it. Nanny McPhee said some really wise words, "when you need me and don't want me, I'll be there; when you don't need me and want me, I won't be there." I guess that applies to almost everything and everyone. I may have not realised it but maybe all those times I had everything was more because I needed it than I wanted it.

Daddy, perhaps you left us all because we didn't need you anymore. That sounds mean. But I mean, I think so, Allahualam, Allah knows best. I do miss you. I do wish we had spent more time together.

I have that problem. I don't appreciate people when they're around me; I tend to take them for granted and the aftermath is me regretting not going all out. But regrets are bad.

I miss a lot of things and I miss a lot of people. Things I wish I'd done, words I wish I'd spoken, they never made it out of my nervous system or my vocal cords.