It's weird to feel so distant from someone. Being close but distant is one thing. But being distant, like really distant is weird. And then there's being distant and feeling connected, that's even weirder. Do you get me?
It feels hollow; like something's missing. Different. I can't put it to words. It's like something's taking bits and pieces of me down; slowly, making things fade. It feels... distant. Like I'm far, far away. And there's nothing I can do about it.
Or maybe I just miss you.
Friday, November 22, 2013
Thursday, November 14, 2013
Shit Happens
I hate this. I hate how we are. I hate what we're becoming. I hate us.
I hate distance.
I know that it's inevitable that we'd be like this but I guess I just didn't want to believe it'd actually happen cause you were you and I was I whenever we talk; whenever we meet. 'Cause you were the closest thing I had and I loved you more than anyone else that has set foot on earth 'cause you taught me more things than anybody else ever had and you gave me wisdom like no one else and you were just extraordinarily awesome. Or I guess that was in my head.
But it sucks that distance could actually separate us. It sucks that we actually let distance make us less than bestest friends. I know it's really nobody's fault that we're like this. I mean, we can't really expect to be friends forever. Ok im talking like we're ending our friendship here. And no we're not. We're just not as close as we were before. You're the one with the proof. Yeah, maybe it's just a stupid game but it kinda shows that our friendship is on thin ice. Aida could guess the same thing you say in 2 rounds and when you and I played it was till 18 rounds. Yeah.
It's not that I'm jealous of you and Aida or what. It's just that, it's enough proof to say that we're not the same Amilah and Harith.
god i havent cried for a long time. This must really suck.
When you said I replaced you with Naqib, that was hurtful. But maybe I did replace you with Naqib for a while cause I needed a break from you because I needed to get over you. And I'm saying all this as if you'll ever read this. All you need to know is that even if Naqib is cool and fun to talk to, he'll never be you. I mean, I couldn't talk to him on the phone for hours without knowing the time like I do with you. But you know, what is that anyway?
But yeah, Aida's much cooler than I am. She knows way more music and she's way wiser and I don't know, she's prettier and nicer and she actually listens to advice and she's more in control of herself and you said she's a lot like me anyway so if you felt replaced when I talked to Naqib, you have no idea how much I feel replaced now.
But you know, it's one of those things you can't really control. 'Cause all these things change through time. And with the distance between us and the lack of internet that I have and the not-right-timing make it hard for me to even get to you so yeah. It's okay. I can live with us just being normal friends.
Plus, I'm sorry i never listen. You don't listen to me either in case you haven't noticed. I guess I just feel like you got really mad at me, that's why I'm like avoiding you right now even though it's only been like 33 hours since we last talked.
And well, you've clearly done way more with Aida. I mean, you've taken her around London or Surrey or where even though she's like 10000 miles away. I must sound like a jealous bitch right about now. I'm not okay? I'm just having a really hard time accepting what's real.
Yeah, have fun.
I hate distance.
I know that it's inevitable that we'd be like this but I guess I just didn't want to believe it'd actually happen cause you were you and I was I whenever we talk; whenever we meet. 'Cause you were the closest thing I had and I loved you more than anyone else that has set foot on earth 'cause you taught me more things than anybody else ever had and you gave me wisdom like no one else and you were just extraordinarily awesome. Or I guess that was in my head.
But it sucks that distance could actually separate us. It sucks that we actually let distance make us less than bestest friends. I know it's really nobody's fault that we're like this. I mean, we can't really expect to be friends forever. Ok im talking like we're ending our friendship here. And no we're not. We're just not as close as we were before. You're the one with the proof. Yeah, maybe it's just a stupid game but it kinda shows that our friendship is on thin ice. Aida could guess the same thing you say in 2 rounds and when you and I played it was till 18 rounds. Yeah.
It's not that I'm jealous of you and Aida or what. It's just that, it's enough proof to say that we're not the same Amilah and Harith.
god i havent cried for a long time. This must really suck.
When you said I replaced you with Naqib, that was hurtful. But maybe I did replace you with Naqib for a while cause I needed a break from you because I needed to get over you. And I'm saying all this as if you'll ever read this. All you need to know is that even if Naqib is cool and fun to talk to, he'll never be you. I mean, I couldn't talk to him on the phone for hours without knowing the time like I do with you. But you know, what is that anyway?
But yeah, Aida's much cooler than I am. She knows way more music and she's way wiser and I don't know, she's prettier and nicer and she actually listens to advice and she's more in control of herself and you said she's a lot like me anyway so if you felt replaced when I talked to Naqib, you have no idea how much I feel replaced now.
But you know, it's one of those things you can't really control. 'Cause all these things change through time. And with the distance between us and the lack of internet that I have and the not-right-timing make it hard for me to even get to you so yeah. It's okay. I can live with us just being normal friends.
Plus, I'm sorry i never listen. You don't listen to me either in case you haven't noticed. I guess I just feel like you got really mad at me, that's why I'm like avoiding you right now even though it's only been like 33 hours since we last talked.
And well, you've clearly done way more with Aida. I mean, you've taken her around London or Surrey or where even though she's like 10000 miles away. I must sound like a jealous bitch right about now. I'm not okay? I'm just having a really hard time accepting what's real.
Yeah, have fun.
-
I miss that moment when 'Aina and I were running from the BKPs cause we wanted to skip Yaasin that night and we went down the middle staircase and my legs were heavy as we went downstairs cause I knew you were turning to where I was and I stayed on the last two stair and you turned left and saw me, your eyes fixed on mine and your face was a mixture of surprised delight and you smiled.
As if I was the best thing you saw all night.
As if I was the best thing you saw all night.
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
Can you please?
I know it's bad and I know I'd be guilty of this one day but I will delete this.
My mom can be sporting, but only 50%. She can be cool, but that's like 1 in 10 times. She would buy me anything I want, as long as it's not so expensive. Fine, I like that about her. She's a good mother, cause she gives us what we want and in return, we study hard. I mean, she doesn't exactly push us, but the realisation comes to us itself. And she praises us on whatever we get, thus making us feel appreciated and discouraged.
OK, while she's all that, she's also the worse at being a teenager's friend. I know I'm rebellious, but that's probably only cause she's the way she is. I know I control myself and I could not be rebellious if I didn't want to, but thing is, I do want to. Thing is, I do not want to be like my mom. Sure, her children succeeds, she succeeds and she's wealthy and we have a lovely home and we live luxuriously (I'm not even kidding) and we look like a happy family. We probably are a happy family. And I'm sure as hell not saying that I hate my family; I do love them. I just am my own person and I have learned things by myself (as in without the help of mom) and I love myself even if I may not be as smart as my sister or as knowledgeable about the world as my other sister or as logical as my brother but I do understand things they do not understand and they (I assume) refuse to understand.
So my mom is so judgmental I don't even know what to say. What happened was that I wanted to go to my friend, 'Aina's house in Wangsa Maju. And apparently where she lives is somewhere that's not really where rich people live. I mean, like a normal housing area. AND THEN SHE GOES ALL, "Where does she live?" So I said, "In front of Carrefour, near the petrol station with the 7-E." And she said, "The houses there are small and ugly." Well, she said something like that.
BUT I MEAN SO WHAT?! I do not care, mom. I really do not care if my friends have Bentleys or if they have Kancils. I don't care if they wear Zara or if they wear Giant brand clothes. I don't care if they dine at Pavilion every night or if they dine at those stalls near the roads. And I absolutely do not care if their houses are as big as KLCC or a mouse hole. OK, so I might not want to stay for a week but I so wouldn't mind going there for a day to hang out with my friend.
Fine, that's not something that I should really go all ballistic about but she's not just like that with this kind of thing. She's like that with so many things !! Like I hate how she makes it as though she's higher than everyone else and complaining about other people's work. I mean, ok, I do that too. But I hate myself every time I do that 'cause I know I can't do better. Even if I could, I wouldn't want to. And I could imagine those people not wanting to do it cause it's a shitty job they're doing. I'm not saying I'm an angel or so much better than my mom but god, I just hate what she does sometimes. It's like, could you like please appreciate some people?
It's such a bad example to teach kids, you know. I mean, I'm so glad I could think for myself already. I'm so glad I am not even so close to my mom (and this is something so bad to say). But yeah, I mean, I really am thankful that I learned a lot of things by myself and that I am this rebellious teenager cause I'll never know how to tell my sons and daughters how to live and actually enjoy it if I'm so much like my mom.
So to my future kids, I promise I'll try my best to become the coolest mother ever cause I have actually understood the "support-but-disagreeing" term.
My mom can be sporting, but only 50%. She can be cool, but that's like 1 in 10 times. She would buy me anything I want, as long as it's not so expensive. Fine, I like that about her. She's a good mother, cause she gives us what we want and in return, we study hard. I mean, she doesn't exactly push us, but the realisation comes to us itself. And she praises us on whatever we get, thus making us feel appreciated and discouraged.
OK, while she's all that, she's also the worse at being a teenager's friend. I know I'm rebellious, but that's probably only cause she's the way she is. I know I control myself and I could not be rebellious if I didn't want to, but thing is, I do want to. Thing is, I do not want to be like my mom. Sure, her children succeeds, she succeeds and she's wealthy and we have a lovely home and we live luxuriously (I'm not even kidding) and we look like a happy family. We probably are a happy family. And I'm sure as hell not saying that I hate my family; I do love them. I just am my own person and I have learned things by myself (as in without the help of mom) and I love myself even if I may not be as smart as my sister or as knowledgeable about the world as my other sister or as logical as my brother but I do understand things they do not understand and they (I assume) refuse to understand.
So my mom is so judgmental I don't even know what to say. What happened was that I wanted to go to my friend, 'Aina's house in Wangsa Maju. And apparently where she lives is somewhere that's not really where rich people live. I mean, like a normal housing area. AND THEN SHE GOES ALL, "Where does she live?" So I said, "In front of Carrefour, near the petrol station with the 7-E." And she said, "The houses there are small and ugly." Well, she said something like that.
BUT I MEAN SO WHAT?! I do not care, mom. I really do not care if my friends have Bentleys or if they have Kancils. I don't care if they wear Zara or if they wear Giant brand clothes. I don't care if they dine at Pavilion every night or if they dine at those stalls near the roads. And I absolutely do not care if their houses are as big as KLCC or a mouse hole. OK, so I might not want to stay for a week but I so wouldn't mind going there for a day to hang out with my friend.
Fine, that's not something that I should really go all ballistic about but she's not just like that with this kind of thing. She's like that with so many things !! Like I hate how she makes it as though she's higher than everyone else and complaining about other people's work. I mean, ok, I do that too. But I hate myself every time I do that 'cause I know I can't do better. Even if I could, I wouldn't want to. And I could imagine those people not wanting to do it cause it's a shitty job they're doing. I'm not saying I'm an angel or so much better than my mom but god, I just hate what she does sometimes. It's like, could you like please appreciate some people?
It's such a bad example to teach kids, you know. I mean, I'm so glad I could think for myself already. I'm so glad I am not even so close to my mom (and this is something so bad to say). But yeah, I mean, I really am thankful that I learned a lot of things by myself and that I am this rebellious teenager cause I'll never know how to tell my sons and daughters how to live and actually enjoy it if I'm so much like my mom.
So to my future kids, I promise I'll try my best to become the coolest mother ever cause I have actually understood the "support-but-disagreeing" term.
Where's the Chemistry?
Why would I be sad when I'm not? Why would I miss you when I don't? Why would I be guilty of texting and tweeting you when you actually reply? Why would I like you when I don't? Or at least I don't think so.
But then why would I spend like an hour of my facial, in a cold, quiet room just thinking about you and not realising it (until this thought comes) if I don't have feelings for you?
But thing is, I don't.
Feel anything, that is.
It's hard to explain.
I feel like we're really fading away since we're not talking IRL anymore. And it's like, our texts are so.... Chemistry-less. We suck at texting. Like I said, I like talking IRL more.
But whatever happened to things in school stays in school?
Cause reality is, you have a girlfriend and I'm always second best, aren't I? I was there for you enjoyment (in the most innocent way possible) but now that I'm 500 miles away, it makes me no different than your long distance girlfriend.
Ugh okay I'm messing up my head.
But talking to you on the phone makes me think otherwise. I mean, I didn't even realise it was 40 minutes. And we both know that it would have been longer if you weren't busy looking for whatever you were looking for. So what is this?
Would it make me a bad person if I just continue talking to you and well, I can't help myself from flirting - it's like I do it unconsciously - even when I know you have a girlfriend who was actually my senior in SAB?
Yes, it kinda would.
But then why would I spend like an hour of my facial, in a cold, quiet room just thinking about you and not realising it (until this thought comes) if I don't have feelings for you?
But thing is, I don't.
Feel anything, that is.
It's hard to explain.
I feel like we're really fading away since we're not talking IRL anymore. And it's like, our texts are so.... Chemistry-less. We suck at texting. Like I said, I like talking IRL more.
But whatever happened to things in school stays in school?
Cause reality is, you have a girlfriend and I'm always second best, aren't I? I was there for you enjoyment (in the most innocent way possible) but now that I'm 500 miles away, it makes me no different than your long distance girlfriend.
Ugh okay I'm messing up my head.
Monday - 3:49 p.m.
But talking to you on the phone makes me think otherwise. I mean, I didn't even realise it was 40 minutes. And we both know that it would have been longer if you weren't busy looking for whatever you were looking for. So what is this?
Would it make me a bad person if I just continue talking to you and well, I can't help myself from flirting - it's like I do it unconsciously - even when I know you have a girlfriend who was actually my senior in SAB?
Yes, it kinda would.
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