Beauty is subjective

Dearest 'Aina,

What im about to say may be true but it may just be my assumptions, but i kinda hope it gives you something (not a lot, cause im currently writing this at 2:50 a.m. in the airport lounge, sitting not so comfortably + with an unstable mind).

'Aina, i know im not danfar, or any boy that gives you "karan", but honestly i find you to be so pretty. You're like one of those girls who look good doing anything. I hate that you're so insecure about yourself, and how you think that you're not good enough, but i can't say i disagree with feeling that way. I cant tell you that youre supposed to feel good about yourself all the time, because that just doesnt exist. I hate how your love life is so messed up; i hate that the fray did those things to you, even if it was just being silent for a long period of time. I guess he mustve his own reasons, which i could mot speak for, but i think its just so irresponsible and egomaniacal to just leave things hanging without an explanation. I mean, even if you dont/didnt have anything, information is significant to the other party cause it involves two sides. 

I dont really know where im going with this or why im writing this. I guess its cause i kinda feel the same way even though our situations are a paradox of each other. I guess im saying this more to me than i am saying it to you. I have no intention to say that you shouldnt feel the way you do, cause truthfully, theres no cure except for that certain someone to come and change things around. 'Cause hes the one who lifts your spirits up and makes you feel like you matter but hes also the one that shoves you down to the lowest ground. It sucks, i know.

Thinking that hes the one whos at fault, but deep down its the stupidity that you feel about yourself that makes you shed tears, isnt it? Or maybe thats just me. What im saying is, he probably doesnt even care and we're just caring a little too much, when its basically nothing. But actually, it is something. I know what it feels like to feel not good enough, to feel like theres a fault in you that repels him to you. Heck, i know what it feels like to having been told how to act to make him like you. It really does suck. In the end, youre just changing yourself for something thats not worth it. In the end, when things crumble to the ground, you dont even know who you are. In the end, youre just lost, as lost as an ugly duckling.

Idk if itll make you feel better, but 'Aina, i am amazed by you. Your poise, your beauty, your charisma, your charm. Sometimes i feel so much lower than you are, like im overshadowed by your bubbly personality. Sigh. I love you you know. It sucks that your love life is not working out. Sucks that you couldnt share the straight a happiness with him. Its a cruel world. 

Shit Happens

I hate this. I hate how we are. I hate what we're becoming. I hate us.

I hate distance.

I know that it's inevitable that we'd be like this but I guess I just didn't want to believe it'd actually happen cause you were you and I was I whenever we talk; whenever we meet. 'Cause you were the closest thing I had and I loved you more than anyone else that has set foot on earth 'cause you taught me more things than anybody else ever had and you gave me wisdom like no one else and you were just extraordinarily awesome. Or I guess that was in my head.

But it sucks that distance could actually separate us. It sucks that we actually let distance make us less than bestest friends. I know it's really nobody's fault that we're like this. I mean, we can't really expect to be friends forever. Ok im talking like we're ending our friendship here. And no we're not. We're just not as close as we were before. You're the one with the proof. Yeah, maybe it's just a stupid game but it kinda shows that our friendship is on thin ice. Aida could guess the same thing you say in 2 rounds and when you and I played it was till 18 rounds. Yeah.

It's not that I'm jealous of you and Aida or what. It's just that, it's enough proof to say that we're not the same Amilah and Harith.

god i havent cried for a long time. This must really suck.

When you said I replaced you with Naqib, that was hurtful. But maybe I did replace you with Naqib for a while cause I needed a break from you because I needed to get over you. And I'm saying all this as if you'll ever read this. All you need to know is that even if Naqib is cool and fun to talk to, he'll never be you. I mean, I couldn't talk to him on the phone for hours without knowing the time like I do with you. But you know, what is that anyway?

But yeah, Aida's much cooler than I am. She knows way more music and she's way wiser and I don't know, she's prettier and nicer and she actually listens to advice and she's more in control of herself and you said she's a lot like me anyway so if you felt replaced when I talked to Naqib, you have no idea how much I feel replaced now.

But you know, it's one of those things you can't really control. 'Cause all these things change through time. And with the distance between us and the lack of internet that I have and the not-right-timing make it hard for me to even get to you so yeah. It's okay. I can live with us just being normal friends.

Plus, I'm sorry i never listen. You don't listen to me either in case you haven't noticed. I guess I just feel like you got really mad at me, that's why I'm like avoiding you right now even though it's only been like 33 hours since we last talked.

And well, you've clearly done way more with Aida. I mean, you've taken her around London or Surrey or where even though she's like 10000 miles away. I must sound like a jealous bitch right about now. I'm not okay? I'm just having a really hard time accepting what's real.

Yeah, have fun.

Dear Yasmin,

Dear Alia Yasmin,

I don't know how this will help but I hope it does. It's not the same, I know, cause I'm just a friend, and he was your boyfriend but on the bright side, there are still people who appreciate you. I know breaking up is hard, I've been through it. I mean not like yours but I've told you things I've done with my ex, and you know how bad I was but you know, sometimes it's better to let go. Sometimes things don't go as you planned it to. Sometimes they suck. All good must end. That's life. It's like the law of the universe, we can't go against it. You out of all people should be grateful that things happened the way it did because who knows, soon you might meet the guy of your dreams. He's probably right in front of you. Jodoh di tangan tuhan kan?

I know, I'm repeating things. I know, you've heard all this but you know, when I get sad, I kinda just want people to say all these things again, cause even if I know already, it's a friendly reminder. I don't know, I guess I kinda feel guilty cause I'm like so far away from you when we should have been together right now but I probably wouldn't know what to say. You're the talker, you're the one who knows how to deal with this. But I guess heroes fall down too? It's okay, we're all humans.

Anyway, yeah you should be glad it happened like this. Could have been worse. At least you're still sane. At least you're trying to accept the fact. At least you're not cutting yourself or doing drugs. See the cup as half full, not half empty. I know I'm not really that good at giving advices or sharing my thoughts, but this is like the best I could do. Terimalah seadanya~

Whatever it is, you're still you. You're still awesome, talkative, confident, pretty, bubbly, crazy and ten million other adjectives Alia Yasmin. It's gonna take some time. But don't stress yourself. Apparently it can lead to death ahhaha. For what it's worth, I love you. And I still count as an important person, don't I? Don't kutuk him so much cause I know you know deep down that he's not a bad person. You don't know his story and neither do I. But I'm sure whatever it is, he has a reason for it. And itu pun, kita takda right to judge. Jangan lupa apa dia dah buat yang dulu dulu tu. I mean, for what you think of him la. Thinking of him as a bad person won't make you forget him. Trust me, I know. It's just gonna get you angry and you're gonna blame everybody for that. Too much negative energy, ugh.

I'm probably taking this really easy cause it's not happening to me. But all break ups share the same pain, I think. I know you're still hoping. It sucks. I know how it feels. My name means hopeful kan, hahah it's a blessing and a curse. But oh well. So yeah, eat chocolates, sing out loud, scream into your pillow. Do something crazy, it helps. Be drunk without drinking. Best kind of being drunk, cause you actually remember what you did. And it's all funny in the end.

And do not blame yourself. You ain't a bad person, sister. We all make mistakes, but that's the coolest part of living.

 -amilah-

Dear Miss Aimi

hahaha idk if i'd get in trouble sending this to a teacher but i feel so cool having done it

Salam.

Dear Miss Aimi,

This is what I’ve got so far. I mean I’ve got more in mind but it’s like, based on the same person and I don’t know, I guess I don’t want him to get in trouble or him to think that I’m hoping too much (cause im not, I just like being overdramatic). And well, cause I sorta already got him in trouble on my last day of school and by telling you this I’m gonna get in trouble next year? I know teacher Nurul probably doesn’t like me anymore but I’m like, hey, this is life. I mean, I want to do things where I feel proud of and I’m happy with. I want that teenager moments, those movie moments. Movies and books may be bad influence on me cause they lead me into doing all these things (breaking rules and having high school relationships – or short term love – and etc.) but I’m not gonna learn anything extraordinary things by playing by the rules. Being crazy in your teenage years is priceless, it’s awesome. I don’t expect you or anybody to understand, I mean, I’d understand if you come up to me and be like, “Amilah, you can’t do this, it’s wrong.” But well, life has to be fun. So what im actually trying to say is I apologize for not being an angel in school, cause I don’t want my story to be of the student who studies and doesn’t have any wild fun. I have a year left to make things memorable. And worth remembering. I do promise to keep my grades up though. I’ll make it work, somehow, inshaAllah. Just... have faith in me. ‘Cause that’s the only thing I’m doing right now, having faith in myself. Ms Izzaty told me she picked me in debate because she knows I have it in me (whatever it is) and it’s not that I want to disappoint you or her or anybody but I really don’t wanna regret not doing anything.

      Oh yeah Im sure you know who the budak patah tangan is cause hes the only one with a cast on his left hand. Please don’t do anything to him or say anything cause it’s over between us anyway, whatever it was. And hes already got “a talk” with teacher Nurul which is making me guilty right to this second. Nothing’s gonna happen anymore cause we’re not gonna see each other in school anymore. I don’t wanna continue about my love life hahahah it’d be awkward.

     But yeah these are my work. I hope you like them and if you don’t, it’s okay. I wouldn’t mind if you cancelled out the ‘for….” I wrote at the end of my poems. Give me a feedback!! Okay bye tell me if you want more!

-amilah-

To Najmers

Assalamualaikum.

Dear Najmi,

I don't know how it feels like to be booed or to be shown the middle finger when you're on stage but I do know how much pressure people put on you, expecting the best show ever when you're just like "oh god what am I supposed to do" inside. And then, you're just so nervous that everything that comes out of your mouth is just a laid of crap that makes no sense and those 500 pairs of eyes downing on you, getting ready to boo you out of the stage.

I'd so much like to say that their assholes but hey who am I to judge (they sorta are tho)? But you know, (prs to prs) you hafta understand that if you were them, you'd feel the same thing. It's okay, we're humans and we all have our weaknessess but sometimes we just have to look at what we've got.
Not that I'm saying we should boast or anything, just have that tinge of pride of ourselves planted in us.

I honestly don't know where this post is heading hahahahaha I'm so sorry I can't exactly think straight. I just wanted to make you feel better.

For what it's worth, I (and so many others especially the 4IH family) think you're cool. And funny and crazy and annoying sometimes but its okay and spontaneous and entertaining and fun and just bursting with confidence (and awesome). Don't be like me; don't stop what you love doing just because of what some meaningless people's perception of you. You're gonna miss a whole lot bro and I'm saying this cause you can actually do it - you have all the criteria that fits.

So yeaaaaaah, don't let it get to you. I lav you ma lil bro twin crazy funny ass (idk if that even makes sense). The day shall come when we play chubby bunneh yeah.