I know I really shouldn't be saying this now, or ever for that matter, but I'm sure for those of you who know me, I put my feelings above anything else, and I'm not doing it differently tonight. I have so much on my mind; I don't want to write about it, but it seems to be the only answer. I don't wanna talk to anyone because if I talk to my guy best friend, well, I'm afraid he'll get tired of me. I've been talking about it for ages. My girlfriends are probably asleep, considering it's almost 1 A.M. So, blog, here you are to serve as my listener for tonight, as you've always been for nights like these in the past.

Have you guys noticed that I've been a little too happy lately? By lately I mean the past few months. Yes, there were those days that I was upset, but on most days I was just living in my own world being the happy go lucky Amilah. Or at least, that's how I see myself. Saw. To be honest, I like that me. Even if I was unaware of the world around me, that me was a whole lot better than the me that I am going to be. That is, I hope I be.

Tell me I'm not the only one facing through this. I am scared, I don't want to admit it to myself, but I am. To step in the world of reality, that's a big one. And if I was honest, I'd say that I would never want to do that; I don't even want to have a peek at that hideous world. But I know I have to, because if I don't, when am I going to move forward? I am almost at the age of fifteen! How much longer am I going to be a child and act as if I'm cute when I know I'm actually not. No, I'm not sad about my appearance, looks don't matter. If anything, it's the last thing on my mind, there's no one to impress anyway. Besides, the longer I stay myself, the longer I will be me who procrastinates on doing homework; who doesn't care about projects and get crushed later when my marks are low; who keeps saying that it's okay, that it is always okay to fall in love, because that's what makes the world colourful. I am never going to change if I don't take this step.

They say that broken hearts make you stronger, but I've had my heart broken twice, and I'm still falling high from the sky and I land on the hard ground, alone in the middle of nowhere. So I don't see it making me stronger, I am the same, now and before. Yes, I'd learned a thing or two, but I'm still naive, the lost little lamb trying to find its way, meeting other lambs along the way, those of which kept leading it to the wrong way, over and over again. Love is a strong word. I've only used it for two guys (family doesn't count), one of which I never wanted to admit it was love, I was never sure. He was the most amazing guy I have ever met but he was never mine, if I were to admit it. I don't know, maybe because of that, I didn't want to say it was love. That was old news, it doesn't even matter anymore.

Now there's you. You, who in the past two months, are the first guy in my whole 14 years that I have spent more time with in real life than any other. You, who was wonderful to me, who I thought was my dream guy, because you fit exactly. I thought about you everyday, every single second my mind wasn't on something else. I still do. When you touched my hand, I know I felt something there, and then it popped in my head, I love you. I debated with myself, I didn't want to call it love. I am too young; I am me, who doesn't know what love means. But with you, I can't. I fell in love, which is why the thought of you not being with me bring tears to my eyes. Of course I didn't cry you a river, I held it back, the tears. I can't admit it, because if I cry, that means you're worth more. More than the that guy who gave me the best night of my life, more than my ex-boyfriend who I stuck up with for nine whole months. It will mean that I love you more. And I don't want to fall for you when you are falling out with me. It hurts.

Okay, you guys can tell me that I don't even know that for sure, that it might not even be true. But in reality, the thing that I know is that you have to expect the worst and hope for the best. In the middle of the typhoon in Japan, my aunt said, "I'm just thinking of the worst." Because we can't always think that it's gonna work out, that oh, maybe it's just one of those days. You don't know! I don't know. It could be that, I hope for it, but what if my ugly thoughts turn real? What do I do then? I have to be prepared, I have to stop myself from falling harder.

For the whole Europe trip, I daydreamed about the day I come back. I was hoping we'd walk, and I'd tell you everything about my experience in Europe. You'd tell about your two weeks, and I'd somehow mention that I am falling in love with you. I wanted to get back as soon as possible, I wanted to see you and talk to you as if nothing else in the world mattered. With all the Gossip Girl I've been watching, I wanted to be in your arms and never let go of you, though I'd never do that, it's against our religion. But I guess all that didn't happen, and it never is, is it?