I see you now and I feel that my heart skips a beat; it races from Italy to China 200 miles per hour; my mind just go entirely blank. Smiles that are meant for me, honestly I could say, I have died and lived again. The way you give your smiles, the way you give that one smile, it just makes me feel as if I wasn't on this Earth; as if I was in my own world. I mean, yeah sure, maybe you do give that smile to everyone, but that moment when you actually flashed me that smile, I just felt as if it was for me and me only. I must sound so proud right now, huh? Bear with me, so much more to tell.
And then there are walks and talks. I can say that his voice can make me smile, just like that. Even if he's not talking to me. In the car, whenever I am not paying attention to my surrounding, thinking about this and that, and I hear his voice, my mind just stops working for a while. But I do not care about the silence; when you like someone, you don't exactly need to talk all the time. It's enjoying the moment, the feeling. You know that feeling, the feeling of knowing that there's someone there beside you who cares, who is willing to send you home by foot, and then walk back up hill; that fuzzy, warm feeling mixed with ten years' worth of excitement that's just bursting to get out, all of it, it's all just joy and happiness. And when you ran to me, it's like telling me that you want to be there with me, that your feelings are real. When your hands touched mine, how the electricity flowed, making my heart skip a beat, leaving me not breathing for a second. Time stopped. I stopped, though by feet continued to move forward. (Don't say anything. I did tell him after, that we're not supposed to have direct contact).
Then I know. I know that everything is fine whenever I'm with you; when I am where you are, nothing else matters. The parents, the time, the world, they're not significant. We could sit in silence for hours and I wouldn't mind, because honestly speaking, it is not one bit awkward. It is not odd and it doesn't make me think of what I should say next, if I'm being boring or if you're ever gonna leave me if I don't start talking, because the comfort is just there. My insecurities just fade away. I get it now what Will feels in that movie, Waiting For Forever, where he just follows the girl he loves wherever she goes though he doesn't say a word to her. It's because it's more than enough, you just know you're safe when you're with that person. Do you get me?
I don't know if it's too early to be saying all these things, but that's just how I feel. I'm not saying I'm in love, because I don't think I'm in love. Love is just too big of a word to use right now. I understand now why people say that talking in real life is ten times better than chatting on electronic devices, because it fills the emptiness inside, there aren't distractions everywhere, it's your special time with that person. I'm not saying that I hate chatting on WhatsApp or MSN, it's just that, talking to you in person, where I can see your face, your smile, it's just better, way better. But it doesn't change how I feel about you. And I hope nothing will.
I want to tell this to the whole world, but I know I can't. I say it here, even though I know I'm not supposed to, because I want to tell you, dear friend of mine, but I don't want your response, because the guilt that would rise up inside me is just too much to handle. I'm sorry, I know you like him, and I know how it hurts. But I don't know, I just don't know things like you do. I'm not good with people's feelings. I know you don't want to give up on him 'cause you're hoping that one day he'll be yours. I don't blame you, I seriously don't. I mean, right? 'Cause that's how I felt last year, and oh my God, if I don't say this now, I never will. And I could just hope that you read it, and understand cause even I don't understand what I'm doing or saying.
It just sucks. That feeling of knowing that your friend is with the guy you like, and you liked him first, so he's supposed to be yours. And he liked you, you said. And what did I do? Did I just take all that away? Did I change something? Am I bad? 'Cause I'm really, really sorry. From the bottom of my heart, I apologize, but I don't know what to do. I know I'm probably being like the worst friend in history, saying all of this, it's like I'm shoving everything in your face. And in school, when everyone is "ooh-ing" me to go to him, I mean, I don't know, you must have felt miserable all the time. I'm just really, really sorry. It's all I can say. Gah, I feel like crying saying all this. That's really weird, because I don't think I've said anything!
Okay, look. If you really, really want to be with him, then tell me. I can take it, I've been through it before. Seriously you can just go up to me and say that you like him and that you don't want to give up on him, and I'll back away. Because if you don't, I'll just go on hurting you. And you know me, I'm the jealous type, the insecure one, whenever he chats more with you I'll probably feel as if I'm not as important. Don't you guys have more chemistry, anyway? It doesn't matter if I get hurt. There are so many more guys out there, and you seem to really, really be sad about letting him go. Getting over something you've never had is one of the worst feelings ever. And I just can't imagine you doing that for me. Who am I anyway?
If you feel like you can treat him way better, which I'm sure you can, cause I'm just.. me, just go on and tell me. I'm fine, I'll always be fine. I have my Temple Run boyfriend, and I can always watch/read love stories and fall in love with people from there. I don't mind, 'cause they won't hurt me, would they? I can keep myself busy, I've got cousins and homework and Harith, who is always there talking about his love life. I've grown up, I've matured in these things. I've learned more things, on how to handle this and that, and I will survive. Okay, yeah, he won't like you just like that, but who knows, he might. Oh God, I'm not making him sound as if he's a toy, am I? 'Cause I don't think of it that way, it's just, me telling that I'll back off if you want me to.
I just can't go on seeing you sad, seeing you tweeting about how you're sad lahh, I can't. So tell.
You people must think I'm a b*tch now, stealing the heart of a guy that's supposed to be my friend's. Even if you don't think so, I feel like one.
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