The Pen is Mightier than the Sword

I'm going to Amsterdam in about 103 hours. But for some reason I don't feel that excitement, the one I feel every time I'm going overseas. It's as if I'm here but I'm not here. As if I'm alive but I'm in a dream. As if I'm sad but I'm happy. Is that weird? It's not like how I felt in Italy, where I was on clouds, floating, even though I was stepping on solid ground. I know I'm here, I know I'm writing this and sitting on this bed. I just can't seem to feel the days going by.

Maybe because we're having exams now and it's like my head is always in a book, reading about history and whatever whatever. Okay fine, maybe not ALWAYS. But more than it was before. I guess that also explains why I'm so tired all the time, which makes me feel empty when I am honestly, happier than I ever was before. Really, I am. It's just that sometimes I get a little down when things don't go my way.

Anyway, I wanna be a writer! I want to grow up and have a bookshelf in my study or in my living room with my books on it; books written by Amilah Marzuki; books that talks about my life, my words, my friends, my family, you. I want to go to a writing camp for a week or two or even a month, and be assigned to a writer who will teach me how to write, how to show feeling in my piece of art. I don't even care if there will be people around me who are better than me in everything, I just want a work of my own, a book of my own.

I want to learn how to write poetry. I want to be Shakespeare. I wanna be Emily Dickinson. I wanna be like those poets who change people's lives, who touches people's hearts. I want to make someone cry reading my work, not because it's sad, because it's so beautiful. I want to be able to write that kind of work. I don't know what point I'm trying to make here, but I just want to let it out, to say all these things, because I don't believe that it's ever going to happen. Who am I? Look at my vocabulary, it's so tiny even a pea can't go inside it.

All of this, I hope it's not just a dream. I don't wanna grow up taking English Literature in college and then drop out to become a simple baker. I know, I like baking, but I love writing. Even if I'm not good, you know. It's like how you love taking pictures even if you're not good at it, or how you love drawing even if they don't turn out the way you plan it to. My love for writing is the one thing that I hope doesn't change when everything else is.