The Heart Has Strong Powers

Izz.

I have no idea why I'm doing this and I don't know where I'm going with this. It's going to be crappy and it won't make sense, but if you want to read it (if there is a way that you somehow find out about this blog), then go ahead. I'm not stopping you.

This is me, saying that I am sorry. I'm sorry if in the future I will be mad for no reason or not talk to you for a long time all of a sudden or the other way around. I'm sorry if I say anything that is sweet or girlfriend-like, like saying you're special or that you're cute or that I love you or whatever line there is in the dictionary. And I'm sorry if I will ever act weird in front of you, like all gedik and "cute" or whatsoever. I just... I don't know! I think I like you, but I don't feel it. I want to like you, but I'm just so confused. And I'm here most of the time being overexcited over something nice that you said on a chat. Like oh, how you would buy me things and write my initials on your status with a cute smiley and all.

I mean, how should I know if those are just the normal things that you do? How am I supposed to react, when someone I like does those kind of things to me? I like you. I don't know! Maybe I do, maybe I don't. I haven't exactly figured that part out yet, and I'm not even sure I want to. If all you're doing is leading me on, then what for should I like you with actual feelings. I'm back to not knowing what I'm doing, what I'm feeling. Gosh, it's just so messed up! Maybe it's all in my head, maybe I'm dreaming. That's another thing, I KEEP GETTING DREAMS OF YOU, Omg, what is it about you that is so good that you have to walk into my dreams and make it as if you're actually there, that you're actually saying and doing those things?

OKAY, enough! I'm just repeating things over again and I am not making sense and I'm just like, freaking out here 'cause I somehow want you to know, but I don't want you to know. And I know you won't know, cause if there is a chance you'd find and actually read what I'm saying, that would be one in a million. I am glad you aren't gonna see it too 'cause if you do see it, then it's all over. See how messed up I am? I am so confused, the thoughts in my head are spinning around, the same things over and over again.

Look, Izz, if by any chance you are leading me on, playing with my head or feelings or whatever, then stop. Honestly, stop. I would be better off not expecting your texts or to chat with you or gifts from you or anything. If I'm not, then boo me. But expecting something from a guy that doesn't think of you in that way, it just sucks. Do you know how sad it is to find out that what you have thought is true all this while is actually not. I really have to grow up and face reality; know that things don't always go my way, and that I have to deal with nice people like you and not fall in love so fast. I'm just weak, okay. I don't know how to be strong, even after how many guys. What can I say, I'm a late bloomer, a slow learner? I am not like other people, I do not get strong after one break up and after one let down. I go back to where I started and get disappointed again. I don't try to make it different. I don't even know how! I know, I know, you're seeing me now as a sad little girl who doesn't know she's living in a huge round world. But what? I'm naive, I'm lost all the time. I don't know where to go, what to do and everything!

So forgive me.