"Falling Apart"

Things don't last forever. I mean, no matter how much you think it will, how much you believe it will, they don't. At least, not in your teen years. And it is just so sad seeing something fall apart, even if it's not happening to you. Or maybe it's just me who feels that way. But that's not the point. Being sad and everything, that's besides the point. I don't know the actual point, but I think it's the story. After one thing ends, that's the end of the chapter. That's it, then. That person, the special person in that chapter, she's forgotten. She will be forgotten.

On one special day, it starts, and as the days go by, you fall for her more and more. Tried everything to make her feel the way you do. For months, it's complaining about the same things, asking, doubting. And then, it's a new year, and you've changed. I don't know in what way, but you have. You still talk the same way, you're still the same sort of unfriendly, talkative guy, but the change in you is so huge, I just... I can't put my finger on what it is. Now you're giving up on her. I mean, okay, maybe if I were you, I'd get tired of the same attitude for the past two thousand months, and I'd probably do the same thing you're doing. I don't blame you. I even think you should have done it sooner. But seeing two people part, after so long, after all of it, it's sad.

Maybe because I was there from the start. From when you weren't together yet. And I was there, listening to you about her, listening to my heart breaking, piece by piece. Then, when I realized how good you both were with each other, this happens. You're breaking up with her. Or well, thinking about it. Hahah, and I'm the one getting bummed out about it. Unbelievable. All this time, well, before this year, that's the one thing I wanted, and for you to see me the way you see her. But now, -not that you see me in that way- it's something that I don't want. But of course, it's not me who decides.

Hey, maybe things fall apart for some reason. And I shouldn't be sad about it, I'm not even in the situation. Feelings are un-explainable. Oh, maybe because everything in my life is not glued together, they're not going the way I want it to. And by that I mean my love life. So, it's nice to know that my two close friends are happy together in a relationship. But now that you're planning on letting her go, well.. that's a different story. We'll see in the next chapter I guess.

The Heart Has Strong Powers

Izz.

I have no idea why I'm doing this and I don't know where I'm going with this. It's going to be crappy and it won't make sense, but if you want to read it (if there is a way that you somehow find out about this blog), then go ahead. I'm not stopping you.

This is me, saying that I am sorry. I'm sorry if in the future I will be mad for no reason or not talk to you for a long time all of a sudden or the other way around. I'm sorry if I say anything that is sweet or girlfriend-like, like saying you're special or that you're cute or that I love you or whatever line there is in the dictionary. And I'm sorry if I will ever act weird in front of you, like all gedik and "cute" or whatsoever. I just... I don't know! I think I like you, but I don't feel it. I want to like you, but I'm just so confused. And I'm here most of the time being overexcited over something nice that you said on a chat. Like oh, how you would buy me things and write my initials on your status with a cute smiley and all.

I mean, how should I know if those are just the normal things that you do? How am I supposed to react, when someone I like does those kind of things to me? I like you. I don't know! Maybe I do, maybe I don't. I haven't exactly figured that part out yet, and I'm not even sure I want to. If all you're doing is leading me on, then what for should I like you with actual feelings. I'm back to not knowing what I'm doing, what I'm feeling. Gosh, it's just so messed up! Maybe it's all in my head, maybe I'm dreaming. That's another thing, I KEEP GETTING DREAMS OF YOU, Omg, what is it about you that is so good that you have to walk into my dreams and make it as if you're actually there, that you're actually saying and doing those things?

OKAY, enough! I'm just repeating things over again and I am not making sense and I'm just like, freaking out here 'cause I somehow want you to know, but I don't want you to know. And I know you won't know, cause if there is a chance you'd find and actually read what I'm saying, that would be one in a million. I am glad you aren't gonna see it too 'cause if you do see it, then it's all over. See how messed up I am? I am so confused, the thoughts in my head are spinning around, the same things over and over again.

Look, Izz, if by any chance you are leading me on, playing with my head or feelings or whatever, then stop. Honestly, stop. I would be better off not expecting your texts or to chat with you or gifts from you or anything. If I'm not, then boo me. But expecting something from a guy that doesn't think of you in that way, it just sucks. Do you know how sad it is to find out that what you have thought is true all this while is actually not. I really have to grow up and face reality; know that things don't always go my way, and that I have to deal with nice people like you and not fall in love so fast. I'm just weak, okay. I don't know how to be strong, even after how many guys. What can I say, I'm a late bloomer, a slow learner? I am not like other people, I do not get strong after one break up and after one let down. I go back to where I started and get disappointed again. I don't try to make it different. I don't even know how! I know, I know, you're seeing me now as a sad little girl who doesn't know she's living in a huge round world. But what? I'm naive, I'm lost all the time. I don't know where to go, what to do and everything!

So forgive me.