Imissu

I bet no one's gonna read this but im just gonnawrite it anyway cause i feel taht i cant express it to anyone. Harith, i miss you. I mean i taulah we're just friends but its that friend miss. I guess i expected too much, when i shouldnt have? Sebab now that youre back in malaysia, i thought youd call or text or at least reply my viber? Entahla, distance sucks. It really does. I really miss you you know. 

But hes not Han

What if, i kind of like someone im not supposed to like? I mean, is it wrong? Is it bad? What if i knew there was a chance id like him cause hes well, hes attractive in a way (not that hes handsome or what, he just has an attractive aura), and i knew i should stay away from him cause he's (unofficially but technically) somebody elses. BUT i keep on talking to him anyway cause he talks to me and hes just really fun to talk to and i cant stop and neither can he? 

Beauty is subjective

Dearest 'Aina,

What im about to say may be true but it may just be my assumptions, but i kinda hope it gives you something (not a lot, cause im currently writing this at 2:50 a.m. in the airport lounge, sitting not so comfortably + with an unstable mind).

'Aina, i know im not danfar, or any boy that gives you "karan", but honestly i find you to be so pretty. You're like one of those girls who look good doing anything. I hate that you're so insecure about yourself, and how you think that you're not good enough, but i can't say i disagree with feeling that way. I cant tell you that youre supposed to feel good about yourself all the time, because that just doesnt exist. I hate how your love life is so messed up; i hate that the fray did those things to you, even if it was just being silent for a long period of time. I guess he mustve his own reasons, which i could mot speak for, but i think its just so irresponsible and egomaniacal to just leave things hanging without an explanation. I mean, even if you dont/didnt have anything, information is significant to the other party cause it involves two sides. 

I dont really know where im going with this or why im writing this. I guess its cause i kinda feel the same way even though our situations are a paradox of each other. I guess im saying this more to me than i am saying it to you. I have no intention to say that you shouldnt feel the way you do, cause truthfully, theres no cure except for that certain someone to come and change things around. 'Cause hes the one who lifts your spirits up and makes you feel like you matter but hes also the one that shoves you down to the lowest ground. It sucks, i know.

Thinking that hes the one whos at fault, but deep down its the stupidity that you feel about yourself that makes you shed tears, isnt it? Or maybe thats just me. What im saying is, he probably doesnt even care and we're just caring a little too much, when its basically nothing. But actually, it is something. I know what it feels like to feel not good enough, to feel like theres a fault in you that repels him to you. Heck, i know what it feels like to having been told how to act to make him like you. It really does suck. In the end, youre just changing yourself for something thats not worth it. In the end, when things crumble to the ground, you dont even know who you are. In the end, youre just lost, as lost as an ugly duckling.

Idk if itll make you feel better, but 'Aina, i am amazed by you. Your poise, your beauty, your charisma, your charm. Sometimes i feel so much lower than you are, like im overshadowed by your bubbly personality. Sigh. I love you you know. It sucks that your love life is not working out. Sucks that you couldnt share the straight a happiness with him. Its a cruel world. 

Fear

Fear;

It is a state of being afraid,

Of things that might come,

And of things that might go.

Fear

Is more than just an emotion.

Fear;

It makes you doubt,

And second-guess your every step,

Making you question who you are,

And what you’re doing.

Fear;

Although it goes only as the mind allows,

Takes over the mind,

More than you could imagine.

Fear

Is more than just an emotion.

Fear

Makes the world more ill,

Never having the courage,

To do things without knowing boundaries.

Fear;

It snatches the courage of one,

Washing it away with the ocean,

Adding dreadful thoughts in one’s mind,

Making him hide.

Fear

Is more than just an emotion.

I fear God and the end of days,

I fear death,

I fear life,

I fear moving forward,

I fear moving backwards,

I fear falling,

I fear rising.

I fear not being of expectations,

Of not being good enough,

I fear losing,

I fear winning,

I fear my feelings,

And where my heart is taking me.

I fear ending a relationship,

I fear enduring it.

I fear my feet on where they’d take me,

I fear where they wouldn’t take me.

I fear sorrow,
I fear happiness,

I fear ungratefulness.

But,

Fear

Is more than just an emotion.

Clinginess at its best

Am i that clingy? Did DD just retweeted all those tweets to make me feel better? Cause thats the good thing about her, she knows how to make people feel better. A lot better. But that's not the point. The point is.. Actually i dont know what the point it. I guess im just having my normal insecurities. 

Do you know that feeling where youre like you really dont wanna speak to someone just because but you keep wanting them to talk to you? I mean, thats weird isnt it? 

And how youve been trying to stop falling in love, to convince yourself that you and someone are not meant to be but then he shows more of himself and thats what you want and thats who you are and well shit just got worse? 

Do you ever forget who you are? And who you wanna be? Or what you wanna be? Or how you wanna be? Do you ever just get so caught in the moment, in the world, that you forget that a lot of other things matter more? Until you forget what you've learned and who you wanna become really and what the future would be like if youre like this or like that? 

Have you ever been in a situation so messed up that its not messed up at all? And have feelings so all over the place but just in one place? And think so much until you cant sleep at night but not think at all?

Am i making sense?

Of course i am, things wouldnt make sense if it werent any sense in writing them.

Yeah well that doesnt make sense.

But yeah, could what izz said be true? Im really that clingy? Because thats probably why things ended with me and him. And things ended with me and well everybody really. Cause im clingy?

I could name a whole bunch of people who are clingier than me, but truth be told, that wouldnt make me feel better. And some people would say that what does it matter if im clingy cause a lot of people still love me for who i am and yeah thatd make me feel better for about a day or two but then id still feel bad because i know for a fact that that is who i am and i honestly have no idea how to change that. 

And i hate that im not included in something. I hate that im not the most important and that im not as cool and that i dont get all the opportunities. But i know that thats just selfish of me cause i should be thankful for every little thing that i have because its more than enough. 

Ive got nothing better to do than just rant here because this is just too silly to be heard by anybody. 

To think that im extraordinary? Wow you must be delusional. 

You can be so much and you can act as whoever you want for any period of time youd like but you can never really escape who you actually are.