Honestly, I have no idea on how to start this post. Well, I guess I'll say, my dad's gone. As in gone gone; back to He who created him - Allah. If you ask me how I am, I'd say I'm fine. But I don't know, times like these, there's no need to ask, really. Just be there and give hugs and lend your ears and your shoulders. Maybe one day, I'll miss him. So, as my friends, you say you'll always be there, be there. These kind of things, they're hard, and yes you get through it but there are times when you get nostalgic and you just need to let out your feelings and cry. Or at least that's how it is in books and on television. I guess I'll face it sooner or later.
Okay, so death. It's part of life, whatever it is, you just have to accept it. Be it early or late, it will come. That is when you realize that life is short. Very short. You'd think back, what have you done in this world that will guarantee you Jannah on the Day of Resurrection. And then you'd think, what have you done to drive it away from you and closer to the Fire. This is when your heart leaps; you'd want to seek repentance from Allah, you'd want to do good and be among the solihins, you'd want to change yourself a hundred eighty degrees for the better. Or well, I guess that's how I feel.
Seeing my dad die, I want to die like him. When he passed away at 7:44 p.m. on the 27th of August 2012, I was there. I just came down from praying Maghrib and my sister told me to say, "Laa Ilaha Ilallah," into his ears, while she listens to his breathing on the stethoscope. So I did, repeatedly. About a couple minutes after that, my sister said that he was gone. Could you imagine, I didn't even notice him going. How fast and unpainful the angel of death pulled the soul out of his body. His face was so calm and so pure that it was hard not to feel relieved let alone envious. During that time there were only me, my older sister and my mom's sister. The rest of the family were finishing of their du'as for their Maghrib prayers. I feel bad that my mother didn't get to see him go, but I hope she remembers that what she was doing was for God, so she didn't miss anything. Instead she was gaining pahala.
Everyone in the house were either breaking down or holding back their tears; men and women, except for me and my little sister. I couldn't get tears out because inside, I was thinking, "Alhamdulillah, he died so smoothly. He doesn't have to suffer anymore." I've accepted his death even before he died, redha. Seeing my mother and my sister cry, that broke my heart. Thus, tears filled my eyes. My mom called my dad's older brother to tell him of my dad's death. I wonder how that went. I heard her raising her voice in frustration, "No, none of you are here!" Knowing my uncle, he must've been asking in an arrogant way if his side of the family were there. Don't think of him as bad, I don't mean to make it sound that way, but you know how rich people are.. The irony was, most of my mother's siblings with their kids and grand kids were there in the house, yet it was my father who passed away. And she could say how my mother is not good enough for my father.
It touched me when I saw Dina at the foot of the staircase when I got downstairs. She looked as though she had been crying. Most of my close friends were there for me, I don't have to name them, do I? :p I'm okay with explaining my dad's sickness, what happened and so on. But when it comes to saying how he looked like when he died, I have no idea but I couldn't help to cry. It was the first time ever did Dina hug me so tightly it was as if everything was okay. Like DD said, "I still have that image of you crying in Dina's arms." Let me tell you one thing, even if you're not a hugger, hugs are the only thing that can make you feel, if not much, then slightly better. Dayah being bubbly as always never failed to make me laugh. When family isn't there, friends are the family you need.
Sometimes the thoughtfulness of people can change the way you think of them. Seeing how many mentions I got on Twitter and how many text messages I got, from people I'm close to and from those I've never said a single word to. Maybe it's not as much as other people would get but honestly, that is like the greatest thing anyone's ever done for me. The amount of attention I got was uncountable. What I felt was indescribable. If tears were to come out of my eyes, they'd be happy tears, I swear. I'm so sorry if I've ever doubted or despised or backbit any of you.
"I'm not sad, I'm happy. You know why? Because I know daddy will be in Jannah. If I'm sad, I won't think that daddy can go to Jannah, so I'm happy," was what my little sister said. Even in her annoying babyish tone, that made me smile. It's amazing how a little 11 year old girl who had just lost her father can be so positive.
This morning I looked at my dad's face and he was smiling. I'm not kidding, he was smiling. I trust that he's in a better place, insyaAllah. I kissed his cheeks, they were cold. But I guess that's how dead bodies are, eh? My mom was crying but her lips were curled into a smile. I know she's sad, but I think a part of her is happy to see him smiling like that.
15 years I got to know my dad. He wasn't there much to be honest. Even if he was there, he would be so into his work that we wouldn't really even notice him. But death is different. He was a good man, I have faith in that. Him getting mad is very rare and to see him in a bad mood is almost impossible. I guess he was very patient. My sister keeps saying, "Daddy likes to live." He appreciates life as it is. Even if we were poor, I bet he'd be the same. An auntie came up to me and said, "your father, he was an intelligent man. It's so hard to find someone like him. At UTM (his workplace), he rose so fast. Nobody else there ever got up that fast. He was a strong man. You be sure to take his spirit!" Someday, insyaAllah, I'll write a book about this wonderful man.
Personally, I'm so glad he is who he is and he married my mother as she is and raised us the way they did. If my dad was mean and grouchy all the time, I don't think I'd be who I am today. I never thought of why it was so light-hearted of me to let go of him. He'd have wanted us to let go easily. I pity my mom though, I wonder what it'd be like to be her. Sure, they fight a lot, but at the end of the day, if it weren't for the both of them, we wouldn't be a happy family. And we were actually. Seeing someone you love with all your heart die must be the most painful moment ever. That's where we kids come in I guess. She's a strong woman, I'm sure she'll get through it. Supermom!
Oh wait I haven't finished explaining the first sentence xD me and my older sister, we're okay. I mean, from an Islamic view, we're okay. We pray, we make du'as and we know what's right and what's wrong. Maybe his death will affect us all in a good way, telling us to submit to our Lord, respect our mother to become anak-anak soleh dan solehah, cause it is the du'as made by those types of kids that are accepted. Okay it is like 2 am so if you don't really understand what I'm typing, I get it. Hahah, I'm starting to think I'm writing crap already. But oh well, I'm having fun.
Anyway, think of death, my dear friends. The wise thinks of death, so be one of the wise. Because when we think of death, we get scared. The reason we're scared is because we know we don't do enough good deeds. Walk away from the bad ones and increase the good ones. Make more prayers and more du'as, open up the Quran, the words are beautiful. Give sedekah, it's one of the things that'll give you pahala even when you're dead. Forgive those who has made you upset, always ask to be on the straight path, Allah guides who He wills. I know, you don't really feel the need to repent the way I do, cause you won't know until you get through it, but do try, okay?
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Thursday, August 16, 2012
The Brightest Star
Hey! I haven't written in so long, it's like I'm not even sure I can still make words into sentences anymore. Yes, that's how bad it is. I don't know what's wrong with me though, I don't feel like myself. But that's besides the point.
So, Ramadhan's ending :P I think this year, it's more about family for me. You see, my dad got sick, like really sick, and it would be so great for me if none of you ask about it or say anything to anyone or to me about the whole thing lah. I just don't like to be reminded. School's like the only place I can escape from the guilt of not knowing what to do, the stress of having my mom and my sister telling me to do this and to do that and you know, just everything there is at home.
But yeah, I mean, maybe this is God's way of showing me that blood is thicker than water. Friends are there when you're feeling blue, but they're only there for a while, if you notice. No offense, I mean, if you see me, I'm probably worse. I care for less than half an hour most probably. So yeah, don't feel bad. It's in our nature to care for just a little time. Maybe my family cares more because well, we're family. What can you say, right? We're all going through all the same stuff, all the same stress and we all have the same wish and we're all holding on to that hope that might bring us happiness again.
To be honest though, I'm happy. Or even if I'm not, I'm grateful for whatever that's happened. Be it my dad getting sick in Germany which is 10 thousand miles away from Malaysia, or my love life not working out, my best friend being an ass, or my results being bad as it is. I've never even once thought of how much trial god must be putting on me with everything that's happening. I mean, I shouldn't, should I? Maybe it's because things are going on too fast that I don't even have time to think about it hahah. Which is good, actually because I don't think I even want to be thinking of it. Things are good as it is.
There was that one night though, where I guess the bottle's just too full that it exploded. I have no idea what happened, but I was so mad at everything and at everybody in the house. What's worse was that I didn't want to talk to anyone about it except Mr. Harhar. Oh how scary it was to call him after a week of not talking to him, but I guess talking to him helped. It was a good 40 minutes on the phone. Of course we ended up talking about his girlfriend, but oh well.
You know, it's when you least expect things to happen is when it actually happens. All I can say now is, "what a month!" Time for new beginnings. Raya, hopefully, will bring us joy and happiness and closer to one another :) Happy Eid!
So, Ramadhan's ending :P I think this year, it's more about family for me. You see, my dad got sick, like really sick, and it would be so great for me if none of you ask about it or say anything to anyone or to me about the whole thing lah. I just don't like to be reminded. School's like the only place I can escape from the guilt of not knowing what to do, the stress of having my mom and my sister telling me to do this and to do that and you know, just everything there is at home.
But yeah, I mean, maybe this is God's way of showing me that blood is thicker than water. Friends are there when you're feeling blue, but they're only there for a while, if you notice. No offense, I mean, if you see me, I'm probably worse. I care for less than half an hour most probably. So yeah, don't feel bad. It's in our nature to care for just a little time. Maybe my family cares more because well, we're family. What can you say, right? We're all going through all the same stuff, all the same stress and we all have the same wish and we're all holding on to that hope that might bring us happiness again.
To be honest though, I'm happy. Or even if I'm not, I'm grateful for whatever that's happened. Be it my dad getting sick in Germany which is 10 thousand miles away from Malaysia, or my love life not working out, my best friend being an ass, or my results being bad as it is. I've never even once thought of how much trial god must be putting on me with everything that's happening. I mean, I shouldn't, should I? Maybe it's because things are going on too fast that I don't even have time to think about it hahah. Which is good, actually because I don't think I even want to be thinking of it. Things are good as it is.
There was that one night though, where I guess the bottle's just too full that it exploded. I have no idea what happened, but I was so mad at everything and at everybody in the house. What's worse was that I didn't want to talk to anyone about it except Mr. Harhar. Oh how scary it was to call him after a week of not talking to him, but I guess talking to him helped. It was a good 40 minutes on the phone. Of course we ended up talking about his girlfriend, but oh well.
You know, it's when you least expect things to happen is when it actually happens. All I can say now is, "what a month!" Time for new beginnings. Raya, hopefully, will bring us joy and happiness and closer to one another :) Happy Eid!
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Ramadhan! Let's Clean Our Hearts
Hey there! So, Ramadhan's just around the corner and I, for one, am excited for its arrival! I don't know what it is about Ramadhan but for some reason, I feel at peace knowing that it's coming very soon. Ramadhan is a month of fasting and it's basically about remembering Allah and increasing your iman. Forget the world for once and focus on yourself and your takwa. Okay, maybe after the trials, then focus on yourself >.>
This probably has nothing to do with Ramadhan, but it's so cool I must share !
Wudu'
-Gives you brightness on the Day of Judgment.
Your faces, hands and feet will be bright on the Day of Resurrection due to your perfect wudu'. So whoever is able, should increase the brightness of his forehead, hands and legs.
-Removal of sins.
When the Muslim slave of Allah makes wudu' and washes his face, every sin his eyes have seen will be removed from his face with the water, or with the last drop of water. And when he washes his hands, every sin his hand touched (or grabbed) will be removed with the water, or with the last drop of water. And when he washes his feet, every sin he walked to with his feet will be removed with the water, or with the last drop of water. Until he leaves it pure of all sins.
Rawatib
-House in Jannah.
No Muslim slave will pray for Allah 12 voluntary rakaahs every day - besides the obligatory prayers, except that Allah will build a house for him in Jannah.
-The Fire prohibited to touch him.
Whoever maintains 4 rakaahs before Zohor and 4 after it (Wait, I dunno if it's 4 or 2 after Zohor o.o Maybe two kot..) Allah will make the Hellfire haram for him.
Dhuha
-Our sedekah for the day.
Every day, each one of you owes charity for each joint of his body. And every tasbih is a sedekah, every tahmid is sedekah, every tahlil is a sedekah, every takbir is a sedekah, commanding good is a sedekah, prohibiting evil is a sedekah. But two rakaahs a person prays at the time of Dhuha will suffice all of that.
-Prayer of the Repentant (at the hottest time)
The prayer of the repentant takes place when the baby camels find the sand at its hottest. (Uh, i dont get this.)
Uh okay so like, you guys know right that on the last ten nights of Ramadhan, there's this one special night called the Lailatul Qadar? Yeaaah, JOIN ME IN STAYING UP ALL NIGHT AND DOING IBADAHS <3 ahahhaha how excited I am.
I think Ramadhan is for you to reevaluate yourself. Well, I need to do that. A lot. I mean, look at me now. I'm all messed up. I am so gedik and annoying and loud. I embarrass myself and my friends in public and I'm just so.. immature. Yeah, yeah that's just who I am. But I don't wanna be that person. The way I describe the "gedik girls" from upstairs is how I am right now. So I better change before I've gotten used to this me..
Yeaaah, I don't really know what I should say here so I'm just gonna share what is in my book ^^
In the month of Ramadhan, we are to clean up our hearts: forgive and forget, hope for Allah's forgiveness.
- Taubah from the misuse of the tongue (stop swearing).
- Taubah from the sins of heart
- Taubah from lack of modesty (I need to do that)
- Taubah from all the time we waste (do more ibadahs!)
- Taubah from trying to please others at the expense of displeasing Allah (focus on Allah!).
Besides that, we are to increase our level of motivation by increasing our ibadahs.
- Increase Rawatib prayers (the ones before and after our fardhu prayers. Its, if I'm not mistaken, 2 before subuh; 4 before zohor, 2 after; 2 before Maghrib; 2 after Isha'.)
- Pray dhuha (in the mornings).
- Pray Tahajjud (before sahur!)
- Fast (duh)
- Stay up after Fajr to read the Quran (and read during every free time :>)
- Du'a on the last hour of Friday (from Asar to Maghrib. But I think this should be done everyday, preferably about ten minutes before breaking your fast)
We should yearn from Allah's rahmat. Um, consciously intending and desiring the forgiveness of all out past and recent sins. The Prophet (s) said, Whoever fasts Ramadhan with iman and ihtisab (seeking for Allah's reward) will be forgiven of all his previous sins.
Whoever fasts one day for the sake of Allah, Allah will place between him and the Fire (Jahannam) a ditch as large as the distance between the heavens and the earth.
Ramadhan has arrived to you, a month of barakah (blessings). Allah envelops you (with His mercy and blessings), so He descends His mercy (this part was underlined but I don't know why >.>), erases the sins, answers the du'as and He watched in (this month) your competition/race for goodness and He boasts to His angels.
Fasting and the Quran will both intercede for the slave on the Day of Resurrection.
Fasting is a shield. So if it is a day where one of you is fasting, then he should not fulfill his desires, nor sin, nor yell, nor behave ignorantly.
The most beloved deeds to Allah are the most consistent, even if it is little.
The closest that a slave is to his Lord is in the last part of the night. If you can be among thses who remember Allah at that hour, then do so.
This probably has nothing to do with Ramadhan, but it's so cool I must share !
Wudu'
-Gives you brightness on the Day of Judgment.
Your faces, hands and feet will be bright on the Day of Resurrection due to your perfect wudu'. So whoever is able, should increase the brightness of his forehead, hands and legs.
-Removal of sins.
When the Muslim slave of Allah makes wudu' and washes his face, every sin his eyes have seen will be removed from his face with the water, or with the last drop of water. And when he washes his hands, every sin his hand touched (or grabbed) will be removed with the water, or with the last drop of water. And when he washes his feet, every sin he walked to with his feet will be removed with the water, or with the last drop of water. Until he leaves it pure of all sins.
Rawatib
-House in Jannah.
No Muslim slave will pray for Allah 12 voluntary rakaahs every day - besides the obligatory prayers, except that Allah will build a house for him in Jannah.
-The Fire prohibited to touch him.
Whoever maintains 4 rakaahs before Zohor and 4 after it (Wait, I dunno if it's 4 or 2 after Zohor o.o Maybe two kot..) Allah will make the Hellfire haram for him.
Dhuha
-Our sedekah for the day.
Every day, each one of you owes charity for each joint of his body. And every tasbih is a sedekah, every tahmid is sedekah, every tahlil is a sedekah, every takbir is a sedekah, commanding good is a sedekah, prohibiting evil is a sedekah. But two rakaahs a person prays at the time of Dhuha will suffice all of that.
-Prayer of the Repentant (at the hottest time)
The prayer of the repentant takes place when the baby camels find the sand at its hottest. (Uh, i dont get this.)
Uh okay so like, you guys know right that on the last ten nights of Ramadhan, there's this one special night called the Lailatul Qadar? Yeaaah, JOIN ME IN STAYING UP ALL NIGHT AND DOING IBADAHS <3 ahahhaha how excited I am.
I think Ramadhan is for you to reevaluate yourself. Well, I need to do that. A lot. I mean, look at me now. I'm all messed up. I am so gedik and annoying and loud. I embarrass myself and my friends in public and I'm just so.. immature. Yeah, yeah that's just who I am. But I don't wanna be that person. The way I describe the "gedik girls" from upstairs is how I am right now. So I better change before I've gotten used to this me..
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Living is for God, And Only Him.
How can you say earphones are your life?! Or anything for that matter, "They're the reason I wake up every morning." How can you use that for something not alive? Let it be 400 bucks, but that's not worth anything if you think deeply. You wake up the next morning because Allah wants to give you another chance to live, to right your wrongs, not because of some worthless earphones.
Shouldn't you know better? Okay, I haven't been the best servant lately to Him, but I don't say that I don't want to live anymore because my phone got stolen, or because my heart got broken. To be sad is one thing, but to make it as if it's God? That's just low, even for you. You can say I don't get it, cause you bought it with your own money and I've parents who buy me everything I want, but it still doesn't give you the right to say what you said. Nothing will ever give you the right to say that.
Things happen for a reason. Maybe you were too in love with that thing "that gives you the reason to live", that Allah wants you to see how little attention you've been paying to him. Maybe it's to make you pray more or read the Quran more, since Ramadhan's coming. Maybe He doesn't want you to waste your Ramadhan days listening to music and forgetting your prayers, just to make time pass.
I don't even know how I can look at you, it disgusts me somehow. Don't worry, you won't even notice me gone, you've got substitutes. Maybe she can agree with you that the earphones that are broken are your life, and without them, you're dead. That's her, not me.
When you've cleaned your soul, come find me. For now, I have to get away from you before I turn into you. You might be cool and awesome, but this world isn't everything. There's another life you need to think of, and I suggest you start now. Sorry for being harsh, but I've no idea how to say it.
Shouldn't you know better? Okay, I haven't been the best servant lately to Him, but I don't say that I don't want to live anymore because my phone got stolen, or because my heart got broken. To be sad is one thing, but to make it as if it's God? That's just low, even for you. You can say I don't get it, cause you bought it with your own money and I've parents who buy me everything I want, but it still doesn't give you the right to say what you said. Nothing will ever give you the right to say that.
Things happen for a reason. Maybe you were too in love with that thing "that gives you the reason to live", that Allah wants you to see how little attention you've been paying to him. Maybe it's to make you pray more or read the Quran more, since Ramadhan's coming. Maybe He doesn't want you to waste your Ramadhan days listening to music and forgetting your prayers, just to make time pass.
I don't even know how I can look at you, it disgusts me somehow. Don't worry, you won't even notice me gone, you've got substitutes. Maybe she can agree with you that the earphones that are broken are your life, and without them, you're dead. That's her, not me.
When you've cleaned your soul, come find me. For now, I have to get away from you before I turn into you. You might be cool and awesome, but this world isn't everything. There's another life you need to think of, and I suggest you start now. Sorry for being harsh, but I've no idea how to say it.
8-year Olds, We All Are.
Immature is a person,
the heart impoison;
Be it for you,
It now breaks in two.
"Okay" is what I am,
I'll never be as good as them;
Hard as I try,
I'll only end up in a cry.
Best friend, best friend.
Why do you call me that?
For when the other comes,
The spotlight, dim it becomes.
Like I said,
"Okay" is what I am.
"Too busy" is a term,
Used by those who squirm;
For them you have time,
Time for me is a crime.
What is it about me?
Too young to love,
too fragile to hurt.
You, who comes and go,
who makes me glow;
Constantly breaking me heart,
To make us grow apart.
Stop, please. I beg you to stop. Immature as I am, I still think of things, especially these things. Tell me you still like me, tell me you want us together after the exams. Or not, stop. End it. Just come up to me and say, "it's over."
To let go is a step,
To hold on is a misstep.
What are your words over his?
I'll get over it eventually,
As long as the hold doesn't pull me back.
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