Beauty From Within

It's not wrong to feel like you're pretty or beautiful. It doesn't mean that you're being vain or self-absorbed. I'm pretty sure that most girls who look at themselves in the mirror find themselves to be good looking most of the time. Or well, at least I do. Yes, I guess I'm admitting to finding myself as pretty. It sorta increases my self-esteem.

But there are those days where I pass by the mirror and look into it only to find that I couldn't find anything. It's like, there's this void inside me that can only be filled with something I have yet found. I don't know who I look at in the mirror sometimes. The reflection is just so ugly it brings hollowness inside the pit of my stomach. Don't get me wrong, I'm not searching for sympathy compliments.

If you could feel what I feel, then you'd know how indescribable the feeling of seeing yourself ugly is. Sometimes its not even your outside, it's your inside. But the brain works in miraculous ways; it brings the inside, out. It effects my sight to making me look ugly and feel ugly. Double dose of ugliness, could the world be any worse.

To be beautiful is a bonus, to feel beautiful is a blessing.

Kisses Misses

I actually meant to post this two weeks ago.

Dear Dad, I honestly miss you.

The Un-Remembrance

I thought we had something. Even if it was for a millisecond, i thought there was something between us. Because when we were together the world didn't exist. When we were together, time stopped. Even if it were just innocent boy-girl-crush dates. The feelings were still there -the heart skipping a beat, the butterflies in the stomach, the weakening of the knees - i felt them all for you.

But when you said that you were never serious about anybody before her, i was just speechless. Who was i? Was i that unimportant - were we together too short that it was almost as if it didn't happen? Or am i just to dumb to realise that what happened was close to nothing?

I know it shouldn't bother me, because i should be over you by now considering everything that happened was more than two years ago. But it kinda sucks when you thought you had something with someone and two years later he tells you he was just playing with girls before he got himself a really special girlfriend. It kinda sucks to be unremembered. It kinda sucks to know that you found being with him so special and you thought he felt the same way when in reality it's just you, alone.

I would have said something. I would have gone and asked if i was of any importance to you but why would i even bother. One thing worse than being one of the victims of girls you were just playing around with is to know that all of us before her was no importance to you whatsoever. Because we were never hard enough to get; because we were just there to fill your time, to spice up your life for a short while, where you soon would forget.

It sucks to hold on to something you know you'll never get. It sucks to not let go. It sucks to not be able to let go. It sucks to know that you mean nothing to them but still having to talk to them everyday because that's how it is. It sucks to still want to talk to them even if it hurts. It sucks to be the one hoping all the time. It sucks to still remember when they've forgotten. It sucks to face reality. It sucks to feel.

Truth is, I'm not over you and I don't know if I ever will.

Economy Class Dissatisfaction

So I was in the plane from Brisbane, Australia to Kuala Lumpur. We (my mom, my sisters and brother and cousins + Dayah - my aunt) had to sit in economy class because there wasn't enough Enrich points for us to go on business class. I thought, it wouldn't be that bad.

It sucked. You can barely move an inch sitting in economy class. It was like being stuck in a box that's perfectly your size. I had to sleep so still it wasn't even enjoyable. I couldn't even get my legs on the chair cause it was so small! But I still managed to sleep for 5 hours, which was good, I guess. It was a night flight so it wasn't that hard to fall asleep (even with all the uncomfortableness).

I woke up at half past five in the morning and I was close to dehydration. I pressed the "person" button on the remote control and it took like 10 minutes for the stewardess to come. I asked (politely, I might add) for a bottle of water and she said, "No, you can't. We can only give you a glass of water." Right, okay. And so she left, leaving me to think she'd bring me the glass (or plastic cup) of water in a matter of seconds. But no. I was wrong. I waited five minutes and went to the toilet and came back, which totaled up to like 15 minutes and there was still no glass of water!!!

I've finally realized that in business class, they treat you like royalty; in economy, they treat you like shit.

By then it was breakfast time, so I guess it was fine. While eating the stale airplane food, I thought to myself, maybe they just don't have enough sleep. That's why the rudeness and all. Sigh. Understanding people is really one hard thing to do.

Suck It Up

And when things go just the way you want them to, they don't. There is always that something to ruin your perfect moment. Be it your mother screaming to you about how you'll fail or your friend whom you wish to leave behind's mom trying so hard to make him/her get into the same school as you are. There's just something. I mean, it's not that I'm complaining or something, it's just that whatever this all is, it's fate, isn't it? The laws of universe, and who am I to complain about it?

But you know, sometimes you just want things to go as you want it to go. Sometimes you just wanna leave everything behind and get a new fresh start. Who cares if you're in a dump of some sort or whatever, sometimes there's just too much to deal with you just gotta leave them behind. I mean, of course you can't run away from your problems, cause surely they'll come back to haunt you. But sometimes running away can just be the best thing to do. At least it stops you from unleashing the crazy bitch you are inside, am I right?

Not that I'm saying things are so bad for me. Noooo, nope. I'm not saying that at all. Why would I be anyway, my life is perfect, isn't it? I've a best friend who I'm probably head over heels in love with but you know, I'm probably supposed to be best friends with this one other person who is right under my nose all the time. Sure, sometimes I get angry, but I can't really be annoyed with my best friend, can I? Especially if she's the apple of my mother's eye. Why, that would just be stupid.

And then there are times when everyone says you're not gonna succeed get to your head. Or maybe even if they don't say it, they have this look on their faces that say, "Oh honey, if only I could tell you how miserable your life would be there. You are so coming back in like a week." And you just feel like the last light of hope inside you just went poof and you... are left with no light. Your whole head would be filled with all the wrong emotions, you're banging the doors and you just keep eating and eating to satisfy that anger. Because when anger comes, all the bad things come too, we just don't notice that. But you know, you can't really say. I mean, hello ! You're not a mind-reader. Or a fortune teller. Or god.

So, in the end. All you gotta do is suck it up. Oh no, all you can do is just suck it up and live with the fate that has been written for you. And you can't complain because there are people with situations so much worse than you do.

 "You slam the bottom and either walk away or suck it up and get through it. " - Gabrielle Reece