Dust in Corners Should Just Vanish

When your past secrets catch up with you... I usually don't have secrets that can be kept to myself for so long, but there's this one secret, it's buried deep, deep down, in the darkest pit of my memory box like one of those dust spots in the corners you miss on purpose cause it's too far and too hard to clean, and besides, nobody would see it anyway. My secret is like that. Or well, was. Now that I've told it to someone. Someone very unrelated to the secret.

It was a bad secret. That's why it's buried in the deep, dark corner of my memory box. Trust me, when I say it's bad, it's bad. I know, I may seem like the little goody-two-shoes who goes by the laws of Islam (Alhamdulillah, I repented!), and is probably as innocent as a bear, but this. This secret was bad. BAD. B-A-D, Bad! It happened two years ago, during my years of rebel (well, actually I still am quite rebellious, but I was worse in my Form One year).

You see, I had a boyfriend two years ago. One, I have to admit, I really, really miss right about now. Perhaps because it was our secret that I shared with one inexplicable person. It is the guilt that I hold to him, and to the Almighty. Anyway, this very bad secret was between me and him (and Him). I'm not telling what it is, that'd be stupid of me. And no, none of you, not even my closest friends are allowed to ask me about it. I've made the mistake of telling a person already and that just makes me feel bad.

Bad about myself, bad about the secret, bad about telling the secret and just about everything!

That -insert word- (for I have none) person did not only made me feel bad about NOT telling, he also made me fell bad about telling! Once he learned I had a deep, dark secret, he begged me to tell him. And I, who give in so very easily, could not help but to blurt it out. Foolish I was. He told me, "No secrets. You tell yours, I tell mine." He had two. When I finished telling my horrible past, he made me choose which one I wanted to know! Can you believe that! He had the nerve of telling me, "No secrets," and he's the one who made me choose! By right, I should get to know both for both of them combined aren't nearly as bad as mine!

Alas, there was a blackout, right after he said ONE of his secrets. At that time, I couldn't care less about the house getting a blackout. Heck, I was even slightly thankful. But lying down on the bed in the darkness made me think. It made me think of the hideous person I was back then, not so long ago. It made me think why I'm even friends with such a person. Before long, I fell asleep.

So the next day, he didn't say anything to me and I thought, maybe he's busy. Oh well. I let it go. The day after next, same thing happened and I was starting to wonder. Three days after, I started to get pissed. And now, a week later, I am just thinking to myself, why in the world am I friends with someone who often makes me feel like I'm a naive bimbo walking around earth not knowing what to look for? And this is the person I call my best friend. The person I call my best friend is the guy who did not even try to make me feel better after I told the biggest secret of my life, instead, just leaving me hanging to die in my own ocean of guilt. The person I call my best friend is the guy who mocked me for expressing my sadness about my dad's supposed-to-be 53rd birthday on the day they're announcing the PMR results.

And I still give him that much respect. Whenever I come across that thought of me still being in love with him, I shrug it off, because that's impossible.

And It All Turns Green

Jealousy is a curse. One day you’re fine, and the next, without any warning, you get bitten by the oh-so-famous green-eyed monster and so the poison will flow through your veins, taking out all the bliss thus leaving sorrow behind. It’s like being kissed by the dementor, it sucks all the life out of you leaving the worst experiences behind.

What is it with people and getting jealous? I bet, no matter how nice you try to be, the feeling of envy would still come to you at some point. Be it at your siblings or him or her, it comes. Maybe one with a kind heart would try his best not to convey others of the jealousy he’s feeling. But I guess I’m not one of them..

Sometimes when all things aren’t right, the stress just gets to you. Or it just gets to me? When one goes bad, all goes bad. People say, “don’t be sad, think happy thoughts.” Hah, as if it were that easy. (Sorry Kamal, if you’re reading this. I guess that person’s always been me hahah. Not good at cheering people up.) I mean yeah, it’s good advice; he who’s in misery should at least try. But it just isn’t easy, especially when that person you’re jealous of is close to you. Like, really close.

People are always better. I guess that’s reality? Whatever you think you’re good at, there’s always someone better at it. When you think a person likes you, there’s always one he/she likes more. Maybe even one said person met way later than they’ve met you. It’s like knowledge; you can never get all of it. There’s always more. Is it really wrong of me to get jealous? I suppose it just frustrates me because for once, I’d want to think I’m ‘the one and only’, or ‘the Jack of all trades (and a good one at it)’ or ‘the best of the best’ or even ‘the favor of all teachers’.

But the spotlight won’t shine on me. Out of all the things I’ve done, I can’t think of anything that I do that beats my friends. Or my siblings. Yeah, I travel a lot (or used to), I ought to know why the Tower of Pisa leans on one side; why Venice is a city on water; why the whirlpools in Naruto only comes during a specific time. But I don’t. When I go travel, I don’t bother. Even if I do, there’s never enough time and god, how I hate reading from Wikipedia. And sure, I like writing, but have you seen Aleesya when she puts pen to paper? Or DD or Abdan? I’m not saying I resent them or anything; it’s just that, every so often when you think about it, it just sucks to be you and not them.

What world would it be without people competing to be the best? All you gotta do is suck it up and move on with your life. Adapt to the situation, surely one day you’ll get what you want, the way you want it to be. Some friends and lovers only come a short while and then they’ll go, like the leaves of autumn. Know in your heart it’s a new day. And it’s time to avoid the green-eyed monster.

 Hahah, and that, ladies and gentlemen was my attempt to make myself feel better. 

Stay Today, Run Tomorrow

Deep I look into those brown eyes,

They are like the dark night skies;

I can hear the sounds,

Of the heavy heart that pounds.

The darling buds of May,

How is it do I say;

The feelings that I keep,

Before I go out to sleep?

Joy of today and tomorrow, 

Will leave me in great sorrow;

Don't go, please?

It is my heart you seize.

To love is to have lived,

But my heart is deprived;

From the greatness of feeling,

Seeing you, it is me you're killing.

You are but mine,

I must stay out of line,

Let it go, let it go,

Oh if only you'd know.

Time has passed,

I've had my chance;

It is different now,

Maybe later time would allow.

It all seems vain,

I must get out before I become the bane;

They love lots,

I'm left with a train of thoughts.

I hear the rings of the bell,

Time to say farewell;

Faith will bring you,

To a new angle of view.

Strings of Words on Paper

This is just a message. If I die, one of you have to do something for me. I wrote a letter to someone, and I'm gonna put it the pink envelope at the back of my diary. Give it to the person it was addressed to. My diary is in my house, at the almari under the stairs, where all my school books are.

Not that I'm saying anything is gonna happen, I just want someone to know, so that the message is sent. And do not ask me anything about this in school or anywhere else, I'm not answering lalala~

She Who Runs

Fear. It is a subject that is always present in you. It holds you back from doing things you want to do; it makes you weak. Fear. It's always here.

Sometimes it's just like I don't have anyone to talk to, you know. I mean, yes, I have you, whoever is reading this right now, but you know that feeling when you either don't want to talk to them or you're just afraid that if you talk to them, they'll judge you or get bored of you. I have never had that friend who I can tell absolutely everything to, from my happiest moments to the most miserable things. It has always been that I have this friend who I talk to about things like these, and this friend who I talk to about things like that. No one who I can sit with, staring at the world, and just enjoy the moment. Not like a boyfriend or anything, cause you know, boyfriends don't really last.. But a best friend. A real best friend.

It's times like these where I wish I had one of those friends I can tell anything to, because I am scared. I'm scared of her who never shows her feelings; I'm scared of her who wants things the way she wants; I'm scared of him who's way out of my league; I'm scared of her who never disappoints people and I'm scared of him who expresses absolutely nothing. It is this fear of disappointing people that I have, this fear of making them sad or angry. It's there and it doesn't go away and god, I just wish I have someone there to talk about it with.

But when I talk about myself, I fear that they're left out because when it's their turn to talk, I go away. What is the meaning of being a good friend if you do not listen to the other person's story? It doesn't  have to be a good friend, even a friend would give his/her ears for a minute in exchange. Ahh I don't know what I'm saying anymore I'm just so scared of people, it's like I can't stand up for myself, I can't say what I think I should say and I take advantage of those people who are there for me and I sniff the feet of those who who says, "forget about Amilah."

And now every time I think of what she did this morning, and what she said the other day, I get so angry I swear, I could be a fire burning dragon and burn a whole kingdom. If I could, I'd scream at her telling her what I really think of her and just end my relationship with her family. But her parents are good people and I can't just cut the relationship off like that to the people who have been nothing but kind to me. It's life that's the problem. We live in lies. Whatever we feel about one another, we lie. We don't ever say how we really think of them because even if you don't admit it, we are sensitive and we'd get hurt.

Fear is what holds you back.