My Best Friend, My Love.

Assalamualaikum and Bismillahirrahmanirrahim :)

Each year we learn something new. We grow up, it's normal. No, I'm not writing my end year post yet, I'm not sure if I will either, but I most likely will post it. There's still a chance it's a no >.> Anyway, in our teen years, we will have crushes on people our age or older or younger than us. Except you know, for those people who's imaan is so high, that they do not look at boys or girls; they only look for Allah's forgiveness. InsyaAllah I'll be like that one day.

Teens are most likely to fall in love with people they know, mostly, their best friends. I've fallen in love with my best friend. Make that, best friends. First one was Haziq and that was... I don't really know what to say, the more I think about it, the more I think it was lame. And boring. If you are, by any chance, reading this, Haziq, I'm sorry, but all we did was chat. In real life, we didn't talk much. Barely looked at each other. Although I had to admit, it was real, I felt it.

The second one, now, he was special. And I mean, really special. I wrote my first poem about him. If you call it a "poem". He was, out of this world. Extraordinary. Wonderful. Brings me to life. He really taught me a lot. What real music is like, how we should not really care what other people say, live in our own world. Things like that. Maybe I'm exaggerating, maybe it's not even true that he taught me these things, but the person I became after meeting him, is the person I like better than the one before.

In just one week. One week could mean so much, can you believe that? And because of that one week, I had been in love with him for months, until now. Okay, I don't know if it was love, but I like that word, so I used it >.> It could have just been a like, a crush, not love. Love is such a big word D: Anyway, I stopped for a while, for this guy who I know nothing about, but let's not get to that. But that guy, the one week guy, he kept being in my head, scene after scene, he acted as a lead in the soap opera in my mind, what was going on?

Hours passed, I don't remember what day it was, I was in London, from Bristol, a long car ride. I remember I had no appetite that night, but I ate. Nor did I the next morning, and to top it off, I didn't get to see my friend, Dina, who was also in London at the time, but that's another story. 'Had I fallen back for him? What should I do? Just, stop being friends with him?' Those were the thoughts that spun in my head.

Then I realized, I dated Haziq for 9 months and I was sure he was the love of my life (well, not really), but he wasn't. Which goes to show, what I felt wasn't gonna last. It didn't last then, it's not gonna last till I'm an adult. Why should I risk my friendship for that? If I did stop being friends with him, however I planned it in my head, I'm gonna lose a great friend. or at least, a friend >.> And I might regret it forever and ever. It'd be better if I just stop thinking about it, right?

Still, whatever's to happen, it's gonna happen, InsyaAllah.

Was I There?

Sometimes I just feel like I'm not on earth. I'm there, but I'm not there. As if I was somewhere else, but I can still see, I can still touch, taste, smell, talk. I could do everything, I can control myself, it's just that, it's weird, like I'm too tired or something. Not that I just got it recently, it has been a while, but usually I'd just ignore it.

The other day, when I had my first pizza in Italy, I kept denying that I was feeling like that. I kept thinking that the pizza was so good that it was as if I was floating on clouds, which was why I felt like that. I mean, that'd make sense, right? And then it happens again and again, even when I'm not eating. I began to think something was wrong with me, as if I was possessed, but wasn't fully possessed. I even thought if I was dying, but of course not, if I were to die, it wouldn't be like that, I don't think so at least.

Perhaps there was something bothering my mind that led me to not be on earth, but yet, I was still walking on earth's grounds. But what? Now, two weeks later, I haven't gotten that feeling at all. Just then, that week in Italy. And maybe some other times before that.

I don't even know why I'm writing about this, it's 4:20 a.m. in the morning and I'm still not asleep because of the jet lag, and now I'm writing about something that's so irrelevant it couldn't possibly get any weirder. Woah, weird, in my head, when I wrote that sentence, I talked like King Arthur from Merlin .__. I think I've been watching too much Merlin. I just hope I don't talk like the people from that show.

Anyway, I'm gonna go write in my diary, or play sims or plants vs. zombies or something. Being on the internet is no fun, no one's online :( Except for people I don't normally talk to. Meh. Personally, I like typing more than writing, hurts my hand.

The Impudent Child

I hate my sister. I am serious here, I mean, she's impossible. I don't know if I'll ever take back the words, but if I do, lucky her. It's like, when I'm near here, I can't stand it! I no longer remember that I have to be patient, I no longer remember that torturing is a sin, nothing. It's as if she brings the devil out of me. My level of patience with her has gone beyond it. These are the times I wish she was never born. But then I know I wouldn't like that, cause I've been the older sister for 14 and a half years already.

Like this morning, she didn't wanna wake up for school! And for the next two weeks, she's not even gonna attend school! I mean like, what the f-? -.-' Who the heck does not wake up after being yelled at, or hit, OR splashed by a pool of water? The thing is, if she didn't wanna go to school because of she's sick, it's okay. But then that's not the reason! It's probably cause she has an assessment or that she's jealous of me for having my holiday or because she didn't get to go to my cousin's house, who is her best friend, last night. Hadn't she had enough of playing?

Now I'm the bad guy 'cause I pulled her legs and dragged her to the bathroom. My maid came to me and shouted, "If someone does that to you, would YOU like it?!" And I'm like, of course not, but who asked her to not wake up? And who could have not woken up after being dragged? She's just playing, I know she's awake. As tired as someone would be, she or he would have woken up after being splashed by water. Right?

Oh whatever. I don't even know why I'm caring so much that she doesn't go to school. So what? It's her, not me. And you know what, I've probably said this before but, I just won't talk to her anymore? It would so prevent me from getting mad and getting another sin. It would make it easier, it would make life way easier. Besides, I've got friends. When I'm not chatting or anything, I could do other stuff, I've got loads, I don't even talk to my sister most of the time, why start now?

I know how it's gonna be already. When my mom gets home from Vietnam, my maid will tell her how much I tortured my little sister, dragging her here and there, hitting her and splashing her with water, and then my mom will go all scolding me saying that I'm bad and everything. Here's what I think of my sister: She's a ten year old brat, who gets too much of the things she wants which made her an undisciplined, irresponsible impudent child. I don't care that she's only ten years old. She has proved that she is smarter than a ten year old kid, why can't she act like one?

And oh look, my day hasn't even started yet, and it's already ruined, how awesome is that? -.-'

The Beauty Can Only Be Seen To Those Who Believe

Bismillahirahmanirrahim, in the name of God, the Merciful.

When I heard my friend, Syafiq, perform the Azan for Zohor prayers today, I was so shocked, because I didn't even think that a student, someone I know would perform it. And he did it so beautifully that when I knew it was him, I was speechless. Completely, utterly speechless. I had no words. Nothing came to my mind, except how it had never came to me that sometimes, the people I know, can do things that I can't imagine them doing so.

This world is beautiful. Open your eyes, see what has been created for us, SubhanAllah. The green grass and trees, the colorful flowers, the blue sky, the white clouds. Do you not see how beautifully designed this world was, just for us? How incredible is it, that no man can ever compete with what Allah has made. That's how powerful our God is. And if you see Islam from the point that I see it, you will see that it's the most beautiful religion. I don't know what other words to use, it's just, beautiful.

How Islam makes paying the Zakat a must, to help the poor. It's a thing that's compulsory for one to give, and it makes others happy too, to enjoy the food and drinks that they cannot afford, to buy clothes so they could cover up, to pay for where they would stay so that they would be protected from the coldness of rainstorms and the hotness of the sunlight. To give alms, to help people who have been given a disastrous event, like an earthquake or the Tsunami, no matter if they are in the third world or second or first.

And how we must respect our parents, so that when they are old, we do not put them in a retirement home and take all what they've worked for us. We must love them and cherish them until the day when Allah has decided to take away their life so they would get a rest from the world and back to Him. I mean, don't you see how this religion makes us love one another as much as or more than we love ourselves?

And when you pray or read the Quran, you'll feel so light, like a weight has been lifted from you so you'll have less burden to carry. It gives you peace, tranquility. It's kind of what Islam is about. Islam is about peace, living in peace, and away from war and disharmony. This is what I learned today, that when you wake up in the middle of the night to perform Tahajjud, and you cry when you recite your doa, one tear will erase a part of hell. It's so amazing, how a single tear, waste water from your body can erase a place so awful, that no one wants to be in.

I don't know much about these things, but I would like to learn more. It's interesting and the more I understand about it, the more I realize how amazing it is. I could write day and night about this beautiful thing we call Islam, and I could never finish it, or have enough words, because it's just, I can't describe it. One must go through it to know what it feels like. I hope it's not just a phase that I'm going through, for I wish to be in Jannah (heaven) more than anything. I read on Tumblr, Lisa told me also, that the value of this world is if you dip your finger in the ocean and take it out, what's left. That's the value of the world. The rest that you left, that's the value of the Hereafter. So you see, compared to the Hereafter, this world is nothing. We do good deeds, we donate to charity, we help people, we do ALL that for the Hereafter.

You know how the human mind has limitations? How we can't imagine the jinns and angels and the Paradise Allah s.w.t. has made for those who believe and worship him. Imagine the most beautiful scenery in this world, the best place you've ever been to in this world that we set foot on, imagine all the amazing things. And you say, "SubhanAllah, I've never seen a place so beautiful," but Paradise is like, millions and millions of times more beautiful that what we see on Earth. In Paradise, there will be rivers flowing with wine, and I don't really know, I can't imagine how big and beautiful and amazing that place is. I pray to Allah every chance I get that I'll be one of those who are in the right path, in His path, the one that leads to Jannah.

Then you imagine Hell. Hell is fire. When you touch a hot frying pan, your fingers would be burned. Imagine being in Hell, where those who don't cover up would be hanging upside down, and under them would be hot boiling water, and their brains would be like, I don't know how to explain it, really. It's just too bad to even describe, to explain. Or for some, they'd bang heavy rocks on their heads over and over and over again, because of something they didn't do in the world, like praying or other good deeds. And you won't stop! You're doing it to yourself, and you're not gonna stop, until all your sins have been erased. One minute in Hell must feel like ten thousand years, because you'll just be hurt. This is what Lisa told me, if you ask for a break, even for 5 minutes, it will add more, your sufferings would be added. Ya Allah, please keep me, my parents, my family, my friends and teachers away from this horrible place, show us the right path.

There's a verse in Surah Al-Baqarah that says, there are people who says that the Muslims are blind, deaf and dumb, but who is it, really, that are blind, deaf, and dumb? They do not see what has been made for us, the miracles or life, of nature. They do not hear the beauty of the ayats, verses in the Quran. And they do not think of who made them, without Allah, we would not be alive. I'm not sure how it went, but I think that's what the line meant.

I think that would be enough for now, I should really learn more about this before I talk about it, who knows if I'm wrong? Astaghfirullah, I hope I am not. Assalamualaikum.

Satisfaction Does Not Come Often

It's not meant to be. I know it's not. I just want it to be so. But then, you can't argue with fate. If it's to happen, then it's to happen. Yes, it's true that you can change your fate and destiny when you have determination and hard work on your side, but even if I do have those, if I'm not gonna end up with him, I'm still not gonna end up with him. At least, that's to my understanding.

I saw people walking around, most in white, a few in blue. Though none of those in blue were him, the one I wished to see. I kept looking up from the book I was reading, distracted by the figures that passed by, wishing every time it would be him and only him who walked by, once again to look me in the eyes, smiling as he says "hi", the same way he did on that Wednesday a few weeks ago.

Then I realize, there's no point. Because he's never going to walk my way. Because it's not fate. It's not my destiny to be with him. And I can't change that, whether I like it or not. It's all in the hands of God, the Almighty. But I longed to see him. To bump into him, just so that I could call it a sign; to believe that there is a chance. To think that I'm not crazy to like him when I've no clue what kind of person he is.

And after I walked out of the bookstore, I saw him, there, walking with his friend, I suppose, to his form block, at the back of the school, while I was just sitting there, in my classroom, innocently looking as if I was reading my book. I silently wished that he would turn around and coincidentally catch my eyes. To make sure of what I feel, what my feelings were telling me.

Because I understand not of what's inside. I most certainly do not feel the tingling of the heart, my pulse rising when I see him, or even my breath being taken away for a moment. None of it. Though I used to, for three whole weeks or more. I knew they were there. I felt it. I was present and conscious. I couldn't stop thinking of him. The more he got out of my mind, the more he came back. I've had thoughts of him and me together, and as soon as I realize I'm in my own world, I snap myself back to reality, it seemed like the right thing to do, as I found my thoughts pathetic and only as it was.

Only, every time, I would go back, because I would want to know how it ends, how my short story that I made up of him and me ends. But every time I continue on where I left it, the thought that there's never going to be a chance comes in. And so I think and think, all the negativity that I've pushed out since I got over my ex came back, hitting me like a tidal wave, so huge and tremendous that it turned every other thought inside of me from a positive to a negative. And it just keeps on hitting me until there comes a point where someone interrupts my thoughts or I fall asleep.

I know I shouldn't be all negative, because there's always hope, and there is hope inside of me. Deep down. It's just covered by all the negative thoughts on how it's not meant to be and everything else. But what if it is? Plus, I've only discovered those feelings only three weeks ago, and from what I've noticed, it goes on and off. Just that, when it's on, what I feel is too much for me to handle. I say it's different, but it's different all the time, which makes it the same (or just really different every time).

I could see him playing around with another guy in blue and two girls. Laughing, he was showing his perfectly even white teeth and his pinkish red lips were noticeable from meters away. My friend, Sara, and I were walking from the bathroom on the first floor of Block E, when coincidentally, he was there, at the end of his form block. I asked Sara if it was him I was seeing, (she didn't know that I had feelings for him) and Sara said yes, that it was him, and to walk fast, because she didn't want to talk to him, because every time she does, she would find her heart beating fast. Does that mean she liked him?

But I didn't. I kept my pace, which was as slow as a turtle, stopping by the trash can to throw away the Mentos wrap Sara gave me. Slowly I walked, searching and searching, though I couldn't seem to find what I was looking for. That feeling inside of me. The one that used to show when I see him out of nowhere. The one that gets me all excited and alive. Could it be that it has stopped? Or that it wasn't even real?

What's odd is that I didn't seem to be happy, elated and/or overwhelmed. Instead I felt dull and unsatisfied. As if there was something missing, as if I missed an event, one that I were to attend. As if I skipped a day of my life. Or a week. Possibly even a month! It was as if I didn't even want to accept that I'm not in love with him.

Love. What is love? Should I even be calling it love? Love is something so big that I don't even have the words to explain it. Therefore, I shouldn't be using a word so powerful, reserved for only people who has felt it, who is feeling it, for something I'm not even sure of. For all I know, I could have just been attracted to what I saw, like how I was to the first guy I caught my eye on in high school, my first ever boyfriend. Boy, he was a mistake. Besides, what else could it be? I know absolutely nothing about him. I know the big things, like he's a teacher's son, that he's a prefect, and that he's a nice guy. But I don't know the things that even a friend should know, like his favorite color or the kind of music he listens to. Is there any other explanation to why I like him? Or liked.

But it couldn't be that simple. It just couldn't. There needs to be more drama, more words said. There needs to be heartache and tears. There needs to be depression and misery. But the wasn't any. Or is this not the end? I just can't accept that this is how it is. I have no idea what's keeping me from accepting this. Any normal person would be thanking God, for getting them out of the trouble of having their heart broken. But I'm not. It's like, an unresolved feeling. It goes away, then it comes back. Or maybe it is not the end. Maybe there's an unwritten story. Because it's just ... I mean, it's like I'm losing something that I've never gotten. And to feel that is worse than to get a heartbreak.

"Whatever satisfies the soul is truth" - Walt Whitman