To Najmers

Assalamualaikum.

Dear Najmi,

I don't know how it feels like to be booed or to be shown the middle finger when you're on stage but I do know how much pressure people put on you, expecting the best show ever when you're just like "oh god what am I supposed to do" inside. And then, you're just so nervous that everything that comes out of your mouth is just a laid of crap that makes no sense and those 500 pairs of eyes downing on you, getting ready to boo you out of the stage.

I'd so much like to say that their assholes but hey who am I to judge (they sorta are tho)? But you know, (prs to prs) you hafta understand that if you were them, you'd feel the same thing. It's okay, we're humans and we all have our weaknessess but sometimes we just have to look at what we've got.
Not that I'm saying we should boast or anything, just have that tinge of pride of ourselves planted in us.

I honestly don't know where this post is heading hahahahaha I'm so sorry I can't exactly think straight. I just wanted to make you feel better.

For what it's worth, I (and so many others especially the 4IH family) think you're cool. And funny and crazy and annoying sometimes but its okay and spontaneous and entertaining and fun and just bursting with confidence (and awesome). Don't be like me; don't stop what you love doing just because of what some meaningless people's perception of you. You're gonna miss a whole lot bro and I'm saying this cause you can actually do it - you have all the criteria that fits.

So yeaaaaaah, don't let it get to you. I lav you ma lil bro twin crazy funny ass (idk if that even makes sense). The day shall come when we play chubby bunneh yeah.

-

Nostalgia comes whenever it wants and when it does you can't do anything about it. Nanny McPhee said some really wise words, "when you need me and don't want me, I'll be there; when you don't need me and want me, I won't be there." I guess that applies to almost everything and everyone. I may have not realised it but maybe all those times I had everything was more because I needed it than I wanted it.

Daddy, perhaps you left us all because we didn't need you anymore. That sounds mean. But I mean, I think so, Allahualam, Allah knows best. I do miss you. I do wish we had spent more time together.

I have that problem. I don't appreciate people when they're around me; I tend to take them for granted and the aftermath is me regretting not going all out. But regrets are bad.

I miss a lot of things and I miss a lot of people. Things I wish I'd done, words I wish I'd spoken, they never made it out of my nervous system or my vocal cords.

Goodbye Constant

Looking back at things bring up a lot of feelings. There are feelings of miss, funny, hatred, hurt, loss and mostly love. I have no idea what's got into me but I am feeling so nostalgic atm. On top of that, I guess some things from the past found its way into the present, bringing up unresolved feelings and false hope, yet again. But looking at old pictures, and old posts tells me of how much I have changed. Judging myself from last year, I have to say, I'm satisfied. I like myself. I like the people I have around me.

I know we're not as close now, because I went away, and I realize it's mostly my fault for not talking to you guys when I have the chance. Seeing how left out I am in your lives just show how selfish I am, but I don't know, I guess that's one thing I can't change. We still have chemistry, I still love you like family. But some things turn out the way it does because it's just meant to be like that.

And you, who after much thinking, is I guess the only constant in my life is probably no longer gonna be that. You're leaving and I have to say, it's probably perfect timing since I've made things awkward between us (though it's you who is awkward, I'm just fine bro~). I'm sorry for thinking too much and feeling too much but I guess that's just who I am. I doubt you'll ever read this but oh well. To me, you are that one person who knows more about me than anybody else. You bring out the worst in me but you bring out the real me as well and I thank you for helping me reach this stage of finding myself.

I'd hate to say it, but I guess this is goodbye? Or early goodbye. Please don't remember me as the crazy girl desperate for love (or you) haha, because I'm not in love with you, you don't have to worry about that. Or maybe I am, but that's a mystery I have to dig deeper to uncover. For what it's worth, you were real too.

Beauty From Within

It's not wrong to feel like you're pretty or beautiful. It doesn't mean that you're being vain or self-absorbed. I'm pretty sure that most girls who look at themselves in the mirror find themselves to be good looking most of the time. Or well, at least I do. Yes, I guess I'm admitting to finding myself as pretty. It sorta increases my self-esteem.

But there are those days where I pass by the mirror and look into it only to find that I couldn't find anything. It's like, there's this void inside me that can only be filled with something I have yet found. I don't know who I look at in the mirror sometimes. The reflection is just so ugly it brings hollowness inside the pit of my stomach. Don't get me wrong, I'm not searching for sympathy compliments.

If you could feel what I feel, then you'd know how indescribable the feeling of seeing yourself ugly is. Sometimes its not even your outside, it's your inside. But the brain works in miraculous ways; it brings the inside, out. It effects my sight to making me look ugly and feel ugly. Double dose of ugliness, could the world be any worse.

To be beautiful is a bonus, to feel beautiful is a blessing.