To 'Him' We Return

Honestly, I have no idea on how to start this post. Well, I guess I'll say, my dad's gone. As in gone gone; back to He who created him - Allah. If you ask me how I am, I'd say I'm fine. But I don't know, times like these, there's no need to ask, really. Just be there and give hugs and lend your ears and your shoulders. Maybe one day, I'll miss him. So, as my friends, you say you'll always be there, be there. These kind of things, they're hard, and yes you get through it but there are times when you get nostalgic and you just need to let out your feelings and cry. Or at least that's how it is in books and on television. I guess I'll face it sooner or later.

Okay, so death. It's part of life, whatever it is, you just have to accept it. Be it early or late, it will come. That  is when you realize that life is short. Very short. You'd think back, what have you done in this world that will guarantee you Jannah on the Day of Resurrection. And then you'd think, what have you done to drive it away from you and closer to the Fire. This is when your heart leaps; you'd want to seek repentance from Allah, you'd want to do good and be among the solihins, you'd want to change yourself a hundred eighty degrees for the better. Or well, I guess that's how I feel.

Seeing my dad die, I want to die like him. When he passed away at 7:44 p.m. on the 27th of August 2012, I was there. I just came down from praying Maghrib and my sister told me to say, "Laa Ilaha Ilallah,"  into his ears, while she listens to his breathing on the stethoscope. So I did, repeatedly. About a couple minutes after that, my sister said that he was gone. Could you imagine, I didn't even notice him going. How fast and unpainful the angel of death pulled the soul out of his body. His face was so calm and so pure that it was hard not to feel relieved let alone envious. During that time there were only me, my older sister and my mom's sister. The rest of the family were finishing of their du'as for their Maghrib prayers. I feel bad that my mother didn't get to see him go, but I hope she remembers that what she was doing was for God, so she didn't miss anything. Instead she was gaining pahala.

Everyone in the house were either breaking down or holding back their tears; men and women, except for me and my little sister. I couldn't get tears out because inside, I was thinking, "Alhamdulillah, he died so smoothly. He doesn't have to suffer anymore." I've accepted his death even before he died, redha. Seeing my mother and my sister cry, that broke my heart. Thus, tears filled my eyes. My mom called my dad's older brother to tell him of my dad's death. I wonder how that went. I heard her raising her voice in frustration, "No, none of you are here!" Knowing my uncle, he must've been asking in an arrogant way if his side of the family were there. Don't think of him as bad, I don't mean to make it sound that way, but you know how rich people are.. The irony was, most of my mother's siblings with their kids and grand kids were there in the house, yet it was my father who passed away. And she could say how my mother is not good enough for my father.

It touched me when I saw Dina at the foot of the staircase when I got downstairs. She looked as though she had been crying. Most of my close friends were there for me, I don't have to name them, do I? :p I'm okay with explaining my dad's sickness, what happened and so on. But when it comes to saying how he looked like when he died, I have no idea but I couldn't help to cry. It was the first time ever did Dina hug me so tightly it was as if everything was okay. Like DD said, "I still have that image of you crying in Dina's arms." Let me tell you one thing, even if you're not a hugger, hugs are the only thing that can make you feel, if not much, then slightly better. Dayah being bubbly as always never failed to make me laugh. When family isn't there, friends are the family you need.

Sometimes the thoughtfulness of people can change the way you think of them. Seeing how many mentions I got on Twitter and how many text messages I got, from people I'm close to and from those I've never said a single word to. Maybe it's not as much as other people would get but honestly, that is like the greatest thing anyone's ever done for me. The amount of attention I got was uncountable. What I felt was indescribable. If tears were to come out of my eyes, they'd be happy tears, I swear. I'm so sorry if I've ever doubted or despised or backbit any of you.

"I'm not sad, I'm happy. You know why? Because I know daddy will be in Jannah. If I'm sad, I won't think that daddy can go to Jannah, so I'm happy," was what my little sister said. Even in her annoying babyish tone, that made me smile. It's amazing how a little 11 year old girl who had just lost her father can be so positive.

This morning I looked at my dad's face and he was smiling. I'm not kidding, he was smiling. I trust that he's in a better place, insyaAllah. I kissed his cheeks, they were cold. But I guess that's how dead bodies are, eh? My mom was crying but her lips were curled into a smile. I know she's sad, but I think a part of her is happy to see him smiling like that.

15 years I got to know my dad. He wasn't there much to be honest. Even if he was there, he would be so into his work that we wouldn't really even notice him. But death is different. He was a good man, I have faith in that. Him getting mad is very rare and to see him in a bad mood is almost impossible. I guess he was very patient. My sister keeps saying, "Daddy likes to live." He appreciates life as it is. Even if we were poor, I bet he'd be the same. An auntie came up to me and said, "your father, he was an intelligent man. It's so hard to find someone like him. At UTM (his workplace), he rose so fast. Nobody else there ever got up that fast. He was a strong man. You be sure to take his spirit!" Someday, insyaAllah, I'll write a book about this wonderful man.

Personally, I'm so glad he is who he is and he married my mother as she is and raised us the way they did. If my dad was mean and grouchy all the time, I don't think I'd be who I am today. I never thought of why it was so light-hearted of me to let go of him. He'd have wanted us to let go easily. I pity my mom though, I wonder what it'd be like to be her. Sure, they fight a lot, but at the end of the day, if it weren't for the both of them, we wouldn't be a happy family. And we were actually. Seeing someone you love with all your heart die must be the most painful moment ever. That's where we kids come in I guess. She's a strong woman, I'm sure she'll get through it. Supermom!

Oh wait I haven't finished explaining the first sentence xD me and my older sister, we're okay. I mean, from an Islamic view, we're okay. We pray, we make du'as and we know what's right and what's wrong. Maybe his death will affect us all in a good way, telling us to submit to our Lord, respect our mother to become anak-anak soleh dan solehah, cause it is the du'as made by those types of kids that are accepted. Okay it is like 2 am so if you don't really understand what I'm typing, I get it. Hahah, I'm starting to think I'm writing crap already. But oh well, I'm having fun.

Anyway, think of death, my dear friends. The wise thinks of death, so be one of the wise. Because when we think of death, we get scared. The reason we're scared is because we know we don't do enough good deeds. Walk away from the bad ones and increase the good ones. Make more prayers and more du'as, open up the Quran, the words are beautiful. Give sedekah, it's one of the things that'll give you pahala even when you're dead. Forgive those who has made you upset, always ask to be on the straight path, Allah guides who He wills. I know, you don't really feel the need to repent the way I do, cause you won't know until you get through it, but do try, okay?

The Brightest Star

Hey! I haven't written in so long, it's like I'm not even sure I can still make words into sentences anymore. Yes, that's how bad it is. I don't know what's wrong with me though, I don't feel like myself. But that's besides the point.

So, Ramadhan's ending :P I think this year, it's more about family for me. You see, my dad got sick, like really sick, and it would be so great for me if none of you ask about it or say anything to anyone or to me about the whole thing lah. I just don't like to be reminded. School's like the only place I can escape from the guilt of not knowing what to do, the stress of having my mom and my sister telling me to do this and to do that and you know, just everything there is at home.

But yeah, I mean, maybe this is God's way of showing me that blood is thicker than water. Friends are there when you're feeling blue, but they're only there for a while, if you notice. No offense, I mean, if you see me, I'm probably worse. I care for less than half an hour most probably. So yeah, don't feel bad. It's in our nature to care for just a little time. Maybe my family cares more because well, we're family. What can you say, right? We're all going through all the same stuff, all the same stress and we all have the same wish and we're all holding on to that hope that might bring us happiness again.

To be honest though, I'm happy. Or even if I'm not, I'm grateful for whatever that's happened. Be it my dad getting sick in Germany which is 10 thousand miles away from Malaysia, or my love life not working out, my best friend being an ass, or my results being bad as it is. I've never even once thought of how much trial god must be putting on me with everything that's happening. I mean, I shouldn't, should I? Maybe it's because things are going on too fast that I don't even have time to think about it hahah. Which is good, actually because I don't think I even want to be thinking of it. Things are good as it is.

There was that one night though, where I guess the bottle's just too full that it exploded. I have no idea what happened, but I was so mad at everything and at everybody in the house. What's worse was that I didn't want to talk to anyone about it except Mr. Harhar. Oh how scary it was to call him after a week of not talking to him, but I guess talking to him helped. It was a good 40 minutes on the phone. Of course we ended up talking about his girlfriend, but oh well.

You know, it's when you least expect things to happen is when it actually happens. All I can say now is, "what a month!" Time for new beginnings. Raya, hopefully, will bring us joy and happiness and closer to one another :) Happy Eid!