I'm Leaping Over the Place I Should Land

Okay, I don't really know what to write, but there's something going on in my head, so I think I'm just gonna type it out. Yes, it's about that guy I talked about before. Well, kind of. It's related to him. I might mention his name one day in the future, but not now, not yet. Okaay, moving on.

I just read my friend, Abdan's blog. It touched me, really. Seeing someone who can put that much meaning in a post, that's just inspiring. For me, that is. Maybe cause he was talking about his love for someone, and you who read my blog must know that I am such a cheesy girl, I go crazy over lovey dovey things. No, relax, I'm not falling for him. Sorry, Abby, but I don't think that'll ever happen, hahah, we should just stick to being friends.

But I do wish, that when I grow older, I'd meet a guy whose passion is literature, whose words are so deep, you'll melt when you read his work. That's kind of one of the things I want my dream guy to have, powerful words. You know, a guy who writes love letters instead of text messages; the kind of guy who plays songs for me, who comes to my house in the middle of the night, all those corny stuff. I do not mean Harith in this. And I don't think the guy I like is like this.

Though, if I have to marry a guy who is a total opposite, then it's okay, because if it's possible, I want an arranged marriage. InsyaAllah in the future I'll be more pious than ever. Besides, if he's my soul mate, what can I do, right? At least he'll love me for me, and if I don't like it, I'll get something better in the Hereafter. Okay, enough talking about marriage, I'll probably go in detail of how I want my wedding to be and who my bridesmaids are and all that, hahah. Girls.

Anyway, about the guy. I don't know about him. I mean, I don't get my feelings. Whenever I think of him or anything, nothing comes to my heart. But when in class, or wherever and someone mentions his name, I'll feel like time stops, it'll take me a second to process all of it. My heart'll skip a beat, my muscles tighten around the cheeks, not letting me stop smiling. Usually if I've a crush and something happens with him, I'd be itching to tell my friends or even the whole world, but with him, I don't know, I don't feel that way. I don't bother telling anyone, except my diary cause I want to keep the memory.

You experienced people, you tell me. Does that mean that I don't like him that much? Don't tell me he's a rebound guy, cause I've had a rebound guy which I was so sure I was in love with him 'cause of some coincidental eye contacts. The thing is, I want to like this new guy, but I don't want to be with him. Well, okay I'm lying, of course I wanna be with him, but I promised myself I won't be in a relationship (you know, the boyfriend girlfriend thing) with anybody till I'm married, so I'm gonna keep that promise. Unless he proposes to me unofficially which I admit, I do fantasize about it sometimes, hahah, but that's impossible.

Shouldn't it be stressing me less if I don't really have feelings for him? But oh my God, I want him to text me every second, I want to spend time with him, I want to talk to him non-stop for ages, but I can't! Whenever I'm with him, I've no idea what to say and he runs to his friends, cause it'd be too awkward. How he types, well, I can bear with it, but it's so not how the guy I want to like types. Okay, that's just silly. And why am I complaining?! At least he talks to me, that should be enough.One question. If I don't think I'll end up with him in the future (though I do think about it sometimes), then why am I continuing to like him?

Oh there's this other thing. If you know him, he's this kind of guy (at least to me) who is so childish he would never admit anyone other than him is awesome, he would keep on teasing you until you get annoyed and he would reply to every statement that you have, even if it's silly until you go speechless and say that he has won. And on last Friday night (I'm sorry Abdan I told you I was gonna go study, but Harith made me go online, and I kinda haven't talked to him in ages, and I sorta ranted to him that evening, so... OKAY IF YOU'RE MAD, I'M SORRY D: But hey, I was sorta freaking out too and I didn't know what to reply to you and all that. I'm not all that wise.), we chatted on MSN. He started it as soon as I went online. I was my annoying self, of course. At least to him. He gave me this song, "This Shit Gets Old" by Never Shout Never or Never Say Never or something, I forgot the band's name, but there was this other time when he gave me a song, from the same band, with the title "Jane Doe" and even if it wasn't for me, I kinda felt like it was.

Okay, so he gave me that song and he said that it was for me. I thought it was an insult, which he said was the surface meaning, and that there was another one. He said the other meaning is that even though I am annoying, there's a better side of me. I think that's what he said. His exact words were, "even though you annoying its there is better side of you :B." So, I'm not sure what he means, you tell me. And then, we were talking about Mirrors, the movie and he told me I should watch more scary movies and I said I wouldn't watch any alone, so he said he'd watch it with me. I don't know, maybe I overreacted, but is that really nothing? Be honest, I've grown up, I can take things. At 2.30 a.m. I said I would go watch TV, and go offline. He kept on scaring me, but of course I had Ayat Kursi for protection and I wasn't alone in the room, so I wasn't that scared. But I gotta tell you, the lights off in my parents' bedroom is really dark. Anyway, he said he'd eat my cake, the one I baked with Lily. I continued the chat saying if I couldn't sleep, I was going to text him, a lot. He was, well, it was like he wanted me to text him. I dunno, like I said, I overreact most of the time.

As you'd expect, I did text him. It went on till 3.30 a.m. which was when I couldn't stay awake anymore. There was this one message where he admitted I was awesome. The message went like this : Muahaha... ur welcome for the recipe.. and okey la.. u are awesome :3" I was all hyper over it, telling him I was gonna save that message and everything, hahah. And and, the next morning, I'm not sure if he told his sisters he was texting me and and that they asked him to invite me or what, but he said that he was at this restaurant sort of place near his house and he asked me if I wanted to join them. That's it.

For the rest of that day and that weekend, we didn't talk. Except on Facebook which he didn't really layan me after chatting with me a few seconds. But it was nice of him that he sent a goodbye text cause he didn't say it in FB before going off. OKAY Now I'm making this blog post like my imaginary pad where I write stuff in my head, ugh. Sorry you people had to go through with reading all this.

AND SO, what I want to know is, was he leading me on? Or am I just too I dunno, I expect too much and I jump too fast and all that? Okay, enough. I'm not talking anymore, I'll crap more and more stuff. And it'll just be sad. Byee!

Oh yeah and I said I'd have a quote for this. Meh, I'm too lazy to go search for one. I'll leave it for the next one.

A Secret is What Was, Not What Is

Okay, I like him. I admit that I like him. I don't care if he's not cute, I don't care if he's not charming. I like his way (except how he doesn't really pray when it's time, but hey, I just remind people), I like his smile and I like his personality. This is me, admitting I like him. I'm not posting any names, that would be so rude. But there, there you have proof that I said I like him. So any of you readers who happen to know who this guy is, tease me all you want. In front of him, when he walks by, to when I smile, whenever. Make fun of it. Say his name out loud and that I'm "so madly in love with him." Let him know, let the world know.

Secrets shouldn't be kept. Secrets are meant to be told to each member of the clique if you have one. They're meant to be spread around. They're meant to be said aloud. What is it of a secret that's so private that no one could know? It's your personal life, it's in your body and soul, what's there not to share? It's just that; it's nothing big. So what if everyone knows. As if it's going to ruin your life, because you're so ashamed of what it was.

Because if it was going to ruin your life, trusted people would have not teased. Which is why they are trusted. They are where one tells his/her secrets to. And your role as trusted people, you should not say anything about it out loud. You would have definitely not tell people. You would not "play around" teasing that person if it was a sensitive issue. But wait. Is it a sensitive issue? Is it so important? Your secrets. Things like those aren't going to ruin a person's life, is it? 'Cause if it was, you'd be dead by now. Am I right? I don't know, you make the decision.

Or is it that person's fault? The one with the secrets. It's her fault that she told? It's her fault that she trusted her so-called trusted friends with her secrets? If you ask me, I don't think anyone would tell their secrets, or admit it (if people found out) to the people who they don't think are worthy enough to tell. To the people who they think are in their right minds, to the people who actually think through what that secret means to them. But who am I to say that? Maybe all you other people agree that secrets are to be told to everyone. What's the point of having them anyway?

I know secrets. Maybe not a lot. But I know a couple or so. And I could have easily told the whole world that this girl likes that guy in her class. I could have said, "Mm, I know. Oh I know you like him, you can't hide things from me." I could have gone to her ex-boyfriend and "make it all better" by telling him all the things she's keeping inside. I could straight away go to this guy and ask why he doesn't like this girl, what was wrong with her. I could have done all those. I would have if secrets are meant to be told. I would have done that if I wasn't thinking of that person. Trust me, I would. If she or he is not so important to me, why should I keep her/his secrets? It'll just occupy my memory space.

Look, I'm not saying I'm good. I'm not saying I'm trustworthy because I keep some secrets. I am certainly not saying I'm the only one who's in her right mind, who thinks about others. No, no. I'm just telling all of you out there who are reading this to protect your friends' secrets. No matter how much it itches your tongue to just say it out loud, keep it. Ignore it. Even if it's not a secret, it's something personal that they only feel comfortable to tell they're close and trusted friends, do not ever tell anyone else. What's so hard anyway?

If my crush is standing 10 feet away from where I stand, you could just giggle and show that the-love-of-your-life-is-here smile. You could just make a lame excuse to go, "I'm being pulled by an imaginary rope, I must go and leave you behind," and then spy from an angle you could see. And then you could have all the details. I would give it to you.

Listen, I really like this guy. I like how he can make me smile and laugh at even the silliest things. I like how he's always there when I'm heading somewhere and stops to chat with me for a little while. I like how he knows so much, how helpful he is. And most of all, I like how he makes me feel. Sure, he may not like me. We may not ever end up together (and I don't mean boyfriend and girlfriend). But that's not, definitely not a reason to tell everyone about it. It doesn't ruin my life, I don't live for him, astaghfirullah. It's the disappointment from the people I trust that hurts. It's the embarrassment of facing him any day soon that sucks. Well, what if he thinks I'm this weird kid who is madly in love with him and avoids me? Say he's a cool guy, say he won't think that, say he wouldn't avoid me, but does that really stop the embarrassment that's inside of me? And how'd you know anyway?

You wanna know the reason I didn't tell you about him? Why I hid it? I knew I liked him. I had a thought about it quite some time before. But I didn't tell. Because, I don't trust you. I'm being honest here. I'm sorry if it's harsh, if it hurts your feelings, if we can never be friends again 'cause I said that, but that's the truth. I knew you would somehow manage to get it to him. I'm not talking about a specific person here, all of you who thinks I'm your close friend. I've learned this. I've been with you since 2 years ago. It doesn't take one person so long to get it through her head that this person and this person are not to be trusted. Count how many times I or anyone else have told you secrets, and count how many times you've let it "slip". If you've read this, okay, backbite me all you want, say stuff like how I'm so overreacting, how I'm this and that. Do it. I don't care, but oh my God, it's just something that you have to learn.

Yes, I've done it too. I've told your secrets to the people you're hiding them from. I've teased, I've made fun of you/them(thesecrets), I've tried "helping". And you know what "helping" leads to? Embarrassment, sadness, depression. "Helping" isn't really helping. It makes things worse, get that through your head. Okay, I don't know laa, you wanna do it, do it. Three of you, I've lost my trust in. Even if you're my best friends, I don't trust you. I won't talk about who I like, I won't tell what's going on with my life until I trust you again. But don't, please don't continue to do it. From now on, you'd find me to be the most boring person alive.

Maybe I'm wrong, fine. Maybe I shouldn't like him. Or any other guy in this whole universe. It just leads to this, to me blaming you if there are any awkwardness between me and the guy. If I'm wrong, I'm sorry. 'Cause when you think back, like from the beginning, it all starts from me, so technically, I'm to blame here. Okay, I accept. I'm wrong and you are not at fault for teasing. It's how it is. It's over anyway. There's nothing you or anyone could do about it. If guilt is suddenly in your heart, and you want to make it all better, don't. Take my word, don't!

"Do not tell secrets to those whose faith and silence you have not already tested." - Elizabeth I

"They Say Miracles are Past" - William Shakespeare. But is it?

The school bell rang at precisely 3 p.m. in the afternoon. It was Friday, so it meant no school tomorrow! Woo! I so need a weekend, five days of school is just too much, what with homework and uptight teachers. Luckily I don't have that much homework to do this weekend, which is why I'm gonna go out to the new cafe, Bon Amore, that just opened up a few blocks away from my house.

It seems like everyone's in love with whatever they sell over there in the cafe. They say it's expensive but every penny is worth what you buy; the coffee is delicieux. That's delicious in French. Ah, French pastries and coffee, who wouldn't want to go there? The kids from my school, it's like their new hangout now. Everyone except me has been there. I'm always stuck at home, doing the never ending homework I receive every single day.

But now that's gonna change, because as of tomorrow morning, I shall be there, in my dark purple Armani blouse matched with the new black beret I bought last week. I'll be eating freshly baked French croissant with the most awesome mocha latte, writing poems about the guy I'm madly in love with, and people would call me madamoiselle Scarlette...

"Hey! Earth to Scarlette. Can you hear me? You know it's gonna be a long way home if we miss the bus." That was what Cara said. Cara's my best friend. She's been my friend for as long as I can remember, telling me what's right and what's wrong, comforting me when I'm down, and all that girly best friend stuff. We live in the same neighborhood, her house is two doors away from mine. From the beginning of high school, we've been getting the same classes. Well, most of it. It's like a curse or something, but I'm glad. I probably would die if we didn't see each other all the time.

I replied, "Oh, sorry. I was thinking of what to do tomorrow. Wanna join me at the new cafe tomorrow?"

We were walking to the bus stop. It wasn't a long walk, but it wasn't exactly short either. It's at the end of the street and the school's front gate was at the other end. You could imagine how sweaty we'd get on a hot summer's day. We talked, about this and that, our other friends, Jess, Kim and Sara joined. They don't go home with the bus though, but they like walking to the bus stop. That's where most people are after school.

"Oooh, Luke there, I think I see someone," said Cara in a teasing tone, telling me that my crush has arrived to where we're at.

Jess heard her, and she didn't know who I liked. She didn't even know I had a crush. I don't like telling her my crushes because every time she'll lead to telling them! And that's when things will get awkward. I'm not saying she's a bad friend or whatever, it's just, sometimes I want to keep things to myself. Cara knew only 'cause I was smiling like a buffoon a few days ago after talking to Luke.

Luke Hampshire. He's a senior in Rosemoor High, and I'm a sophomore. He's not really the sporty type, he's more of a geek. You know, one of those guys who wear glasses with zits all over his face, playing computer games everyday after school. I met him through Sara. She's his neighbor. I've known him since last year, I just recently got close to him. He's just so thoughtful and funny. He makes me smile, and I haven't had a crush in ages. Not that I'm thinking of having a boyfriend, I just like having a guy who likes me. Not that I'm saying he does, but hey, who knows? He might.

I pulled Cara to the side, pinching her hand, telling her not to say anything, but I don't think she heard me. She was too busy saying it hurt, my pinch. Well, who told her to say that out loud? She knows that I didn't want anyone to know, she knows that it was a secret. I even kept it from her, and now to tell Jess, who I do not trust and Sara who's so close to Luke, he's like her brother? How could she? It's just not what friends do. Ugh!

We went back, Luke was in front of Sara, Jess and Kim beside him. No matter how mad I was, I couldn't stop smiling. I was hugging Cara, saying that I was sorry I pinched her so hard. Jess on the other hand, was so loud that even the tiniest sea creature at the bottom of the ocean could here her, "Luke, Luke who's here! Luuuuke!" She tilted her head, indicating that she was talking about him, Luke.

Sara and Luke looked clueless. And then Sara said, "what's going on here? I know you're talking about him, but what's going on?"

Not understanding, Luke left.

Great, Jess, just great. I hate telling my friends who my crushes are. Maybe I used to tell them everything, but now it just seems as if that's what they all do once they get to know what I'm keeping in. They tease. I'm okay if they tease me when he's not around or when he's far away, but to do it right in front of his face? That's just not cool. Seriously! Why is it so important to say it out loud? Why can't they just keep in inside? Sure, they could ask me what we talked about, they could "oooh" me all they want! But nooo, they just had to tease me when he's there, embarrassing me. They just had to make my relationship (we're just friends) with him awkward. Ugh.

Kim and Jess left.

For some reason, I was even angrier at Cara than I was at Jess. Perhaps because I told her before to keep it a secret, to not let anyone know. Because I trusted her. I guess that proves me wrong, she's not to be trusted. It's like I can't trust anyone at all. In my mad tone, I scolded her, asking why she did all that. She said, "it's not like anybody heard me. Just Jess. You pinched my hand, do you know how much that hurt? It could be paralyzed for all I know. I was just playing, what's wrong with you?"

What's wrong with me?! What does she mean what's wrong with me? What's wrong with her?! I wasn't the one making her tell Luke I like him. I wasn't the one who started the teases. But ugh, whatever.

I chatted with Sara for a while. At least she's a good company. But then she left not long after. I waited with Cara in silence. The bus came a few minutes later. We boarded, only one seat available. I had to sit next to Cara. Boiling blood was still rushing inside of me. I was so mad, and I didn't want to talk. I just wanted everything to end soon. Very soon. I looked out the window the whole ride home. Cara didn't start to say anything, that was even better.

I reached home 15 minutes later. I've finally cooled off. I'm thinking I should write an apology letter to Cara. Every time I get into a fight with somebody, it's always my fault, so this could be one too. I still think it's her fault though, but it's better if I start the apology. I just hate it that she did that. I guess that's just how people are. Luke's not worth a friend anyway. It's for the best if I stop liking him. Besides, one of the reasons I didn't want my friends to know was because my other close friend, Lindsay, almost liked him. And it'd be as if I stole her crush, isn't that just mean? It's a sign from the universe that I should stop. How could you deny a sign from the universe?

And so I wrote the not so long apology letter. I still am not ready to talk to her, and I so do not know how to face Luke. I do know everything's gonna be okay. I'll pass the letter to my friend sitting next to Cara, Amber. She'll put it in her pencil box or something Monday morning. I'll just have to rest and have the weekend all to myself. What can you change? It's the past.