So Much For My Happy Ending

WARNING: There are sort of mean things. Get out before you're too late.

Endings. Ever thought about them? Lately, I've been making up endings in my head, who I'm gonna end up with, what he'll be like. Not so far, until who I'm gonna marry, but just, who I'm gonna end up with at the end of this year or something. I mean, I've read books and they all sort of have the same endings.

This girl likes this guy who she thinks is so amazing and wonderful. Next, she meets another guy, who goes through everything with her, her heartbreaks, funny moments, everything, and he starts falling for her. And then, she realizes that the amazing and wonderful guy is just in her head, and that he's actually a jerk to her, because he has this other girl he's in love with or something. She starts falling for the other guy and they live happily until their break up, which the writer doesn't usually add in, because it's a happy ending.

Well, that's a situation where there are two guys in the picture. And the girl never expected that she would fall for the other guy.

In my case, I HAVE ALREADY MADE UP EVERY POSSIBLE ENDING. So, it's like, I'm expecting something to happen. Any one of three situations.

Oh next situation is that, her best friend, this guy she fell for, is in love with her good friend. And then this other guy falls for her, and they got close. But soon, the best friend broke up with his girlfriend or lover or whatever, because he realized that she's not what he likes, and he goes to her, the main person.

But that's less likely to happen.

AND the third situation is that, when all the drama ends, she doesn't end up with any of them, and they're just her past. She gets new friends and a new crush/lover.

So it's kind of just a matter of time till one of those three situations happen to me. To be honest, I'm scared. Of any of those endings. I don't really know why. Okay, maybe I do. First situation, I don't wanna end up with the other guy. It's not that he's bad or an ass or anything, just that, I don't know. I don't want to. That's it. I mean, there are some things you don't mind getting and some things you don't want, and it's just a thing that I do not want. Second situation is that, IF he ever falls back for me, I don't think he'll ever admit it, 'cause me and his lover, we're sort of, I repeat, SORT OF, close. You know, girl code. Meh. Third situation, I don't wanna lose that guy I like, because he's ALMOST as perfect as my dream guy.

Ugh, after my ex-boyfriend drama, I thought I'd be this hippie sort of person, no stress and all, because there was just so much drama. And now it's worse.

I Have To, But What If I Don't Want To?

Embarrassment. It's a sick feeling. It burns your face up, makes you go red, and you feel like everyone around you is mocking you, as if you did something so bad, no one could forgive. It makes your heart feel heavy, when you're walking around people. And they say it's okay, that it was nothing that you did wrong, but you just can't seem to believe them. Because you know that it's not.

A friend of mine told my crush that I liked him. I covered her mouth, begging her to not tell him. But it got out, and I gave up. "-My crush's name-, Amilah.." I knew there was no covering up from that. He wasn't dumb. Anyone could have guessed. We made it so obvious that I liked him. Yes, I realize that it was partially my fault, because if I would have just stayed cool, I could have covered it up. I went away to get something from my other friend, but she held it our of reach, so I had to jump to get it. Hugging and laughing with her, it looked like I was having the time of my life, when he said, "Amilah. She's told me." With a smile that I kept falling for, he walked away with his lover.

I sat in silence in my room, thinking about it. I could hear the creaking sound of the fan, doing it's job, circling on the ceiling. I tried to hear music, but it sickened me. I'd rather sit in the quiet. Music does not help. Sure, you can go, "that's how I feel!" but sometimes, it's just better to stay in the quiet. Why did I like him? I had my chance that week in June. I had my fairy tale moment. And I stopped liking him. So why did it have to come back?

You know how we have our dream girl/guy? Well, it felt like he was mine. My dream guy I mean. Not mine mine. Okay, whatever. He had the perfect traits. He was this guy who was funny and charming and sweet and nice and just amazing in every way. He's like one of those guys who are hard to find. Like those guys you read about in teen love stories. It was like he wasn't real. Like he came from my imagination. But I didn't imagine him. He is real. I can see him and I talk to him almost everyday on chat, and when he talks about his girl, that's how I know that he's not a guy I made up in my head. He talks about her like there's no one else better in the whole world. I don't even know what to say next. He's like the guy in Yuna's song, Cinta Sempurna.

I know it's going to be okay. Because it always is. I know that he's cool with it, because that's just the kind of guy he is. And he wouldn't even think about it, because according to my friend who told him, he's known for weeks. But it's not okay now. Not to me, that is. I can't just shake the feeling that I know he knows I like him and still talk to him like nothing happened. If I didn't know that he knew, that was better. I knew I had a feeling that he knew. What is it about instincts that are always right? Well, almost always right.

And I know I have to stop liking him, because what's the point of liking someone who doesn't like you back, right? I do have hope, but when I think about it, it just makes me sound like I'm this pathetic person, who wants a guy who doesn't like me back. Never mind, I'll find someone like you. I wish nothing but the best for you. Besides, I'm still just a kid, right? And this is high school, relationships don't last. Except for those lucky ones.

But what if I don't want to?

I Hope It's the Cold Speaking.

What if I lost my senses? What if one day I wake up and I just couldn't see? Or couldn't hear? Or maybe in one meal, I couldn't taste anything? What if I couldn't move my arms and legs? What then? I mean, how do I know when things are going to be bad or good? How does anyone? It's like, when you take a moment to think about things, you get scared. Well, at least I do. I mean, yeah, what's gonna happen to me? If I don't act now, it's gonna be bad right? My future and all.

Good things are bound to happen. Yes, I know that. I know that you're supposed to be positive and not think about bad things cause of you know, the law of attraction, but you can't possibly just be positive all the time. That'll make you what? A hippie? Some crazy stress-free hobo or something.

Maybe it's the cold talking. Maybe it's because I'm sick that I'm so freaking out like this. I hope it is. Because when I tried to smell, (okay I know it sounds stupid but I dunno, I'm a kid and I'm freaking out) I couldn't. Well, not before I tried smelling the coffee beans. That helped a bit. Thank you, Izyan for mentioning that coffee beans liven up your sense of smell. Then I got stressed out thinking of all the what ifs! I'm saved today. But what if I'm not grateful enough this time and it'll happen again and next time, I won't be saved? Just, what if?

I don't wanna be a freak who can't smell things. I want to be able to do things. God, I feel like such a I don't even know anymore. I need some time alone I guess. But how am I supposed to go through school and family and all these questions in my head? When am I getting answers? No, I am not losing trust in God, but I just want a human with all the answers. I want a friend who I can call my hero. I just want someone to be there when I'm feeling insecure and stupid and like this. I want someone to tell me that it's okay to cry. I want someone who can make me feel like there's nothing to be scared of, that he or she will always be there for me. Now I'm repeating things twice. Maybe I just need to shut down everything and bang the piano or something.