I Guess It's Time for the Truth? (Read at own risk)

This is for someone who I lied to on his birthday.

It was me. The birthday present, the orange note, it was me.

"What Dina said, that was on Amilah's blog, the dialogue?
That's not true. I'm not that kind of person. I know this because
Amilah told me the other day that Dina told you what Amilah
wrote on her blog. To believe me or not, that's your choice.
I know what I know. I don't know what Amilah has against me,
but never mind her. This is about you and me. And _ _ _ _ _,
if I smile and I talk to you, that means I like you. Please don't
ask me if I do. Admitting it would be weird. Oh and please
do not talk to me or ask me anything about what I said, ever.
I really don't wanna talk about it. Love, A_ _ _ _ _ _."

Ring a bell? You see, I asked her to do it, give you the present because I didn't want to give it to you, because I thought it would be awkward, being your ex and all that.

The note? Well, my first intention was to get revenge on you, because I was mad at you. You didn't believe me when DD told you about what I said on my blog, instead you got mad. At me. And you asked me to delete the post. I'm guessing 'cause you don't want people (like anybody would know, cause I didn't write any names) to know bad things about her? And then, you sent that message to Izyan, saying that no one's gonna stop you from having a relationship with "her".

That time, I realized that I really needed to do what I planned, because if that's what you want, to be in a relationship with "her", then I can't stop you (not that I planned to), and I didn't want to get in your way, so I couldn't have given you the present. At least, that's what I thought.

Look, I was a mess, I still am. I just wanted you to be happy, I wanted you guys to have a real, lost-lasting relationship with no fights (or at least not much) and lots of love. I really do. I pray for you every chance I get. I'm ready to give up my happiness, as long as I get to see you happy. 'Cause that's how much you mean to me, dude. That's how much I care about you, and I don't really mind if you don't give a damn about me. I don't. It doesn't matter anyway. I'm just telling.

Keep reading. I know, you told me not to write about you anymore, but I needed to do this, or else you won't know the truth.

Okay, I don't know if she likes you or not, I'm sorry I lied. You'd probably be mad right now, and if you don't want to talk to me ever again, I understand. (Assumptions, yes. Let it go for this once, please.) But it seemed like you were so sure she does like you, and that she was the most perfect human being alive, and I didn't want to ruin your hopes by trying to convince you that she's only gonna date you for experience. I don't even know if that's the truth! I wrote about that because I was confused. I was confused of how someone could be so nice and innocent on the outside and so mean on the inside. Maybe she is perfect? Who knows? I don't have anything against her. Or at least I think I don't. But that does not matter.

I just don't want you to get hurt. I wanted you to, at first. I'm sorry. But like I said, it changed. So, you want to believe me or not, that's your choice. I'm only telling you what I know. If you don't want to listen, that's not my problem. Maybe she does like you.

I'm sorry for lying, I'm sorry for making "her" give you the present of 18 Mars bars. I know they're your favorite chocolate. I hope you enjoyed them. Back to being sorry. I'm sorry for making that fake note. I wasn't thinking straight. I just wanted revenge. And I wanted you to be happy. I don't know, there were those two feelings at the same time. Whatever. I'm sorry for everything.

I guess that's the truth. That's all. I think. And I shall not bother your life anymore, because it would be awkward if I do. >_>

Good luck with her, okay? Try to have a REAL conversation. You guys don't even talk to each other. :|

It's Always After

You know the saying, "You never really appreciate something once it's gone" ? Well, whoever that person who wrote it was right. You really never do. I mean, you say you do, but when it's gone, you still miss it, don't you? You still regret not having appreciate it more. Like, I dunno, hair? When you have long hair, you hate it, but then when you cut it, you start to miss the rest of your hair. Okay, weird example, but still.

Wait, can you appreciate something when it's there and not miss it when it's gone? I'm not really making sense here :|. Oh hell, I guess it's just a personality or trait or whatever you call it that every human has. We expect that it will last forever, when it won't. Therefore, we don't give it the best of us. We think that it should get us little by little so that there's more for the future. It's like money. You don't use ALL of them. You use some, you save some.

But somehow, someday, you get over it. Maybe you'd think about it once in a while, but you won't cry over it. You won't regret it, like you did when it first went away. You won't miss it as much as you did. Maybe it's just human nature. That's how life goes on, I guess.

Aah, and I got my answer. Ever heard of Hilary Duff's What Dreams Are Made Of? In it, she said, "Have you ever wondered what life is all about? You could search the world and never figure it out."And I've been thinking about that, but I stopped, 'cause apparently I've forgotten xD. Anyway, I guess the answer is, there is no answer. You just have to live life. Make the best of it. You get something, you live with it, you lose it, you move on.

That's what you do every single day. You get to wake up again, you live the day, you lose it at night and back to the start. Maybe some things are irreplaceable, like a loved one. He/she died or whatever. You can't go back to the start. I guess for that, you just have to move on.

"The sands of time moves on. You can't turn back the hourglass."

If Only I Could Turn Back Time

I did something today. I can't say I'm proud of it. Though, I can't say I regret it. I don't. It's complicated, in a way. Okay, my conclusion is, it's better to make somebody happy rather than to satisfy yourself and make the other person miserable. In other words, it's better to get hurt and see that other person, the one you care about in a good mood, rather than to make yourself happy. It's like being selfless. Okay well, I know lying is wrong, BUT it's better to be like that, right?

Whatever it is, no matter how wrong it is, it happened already. I made it happen. I chose for it to happen, so, it doesn't really matter. The truth won't change anything. It might change what that person knows, but it doesn't change the fact of how he/she feels.

And yes, I'm telling it to the whole world, that I did something bad. I'm telling the whole world (or to the people who actually reads this blog, which most of you guys already know) the mistake I did, when I could have save the sins and myself from getting hurt. But hey, it was my choice, right? So whatever I feel, how hurt I get, how much pain I have to live with for a certain period of time, it's all on me. And I'm ready to accept the challenge. Sometimes, it's just better that way. Even if it's based on lies. Who knows? Maybe it will change somewhere in the future. Hopefully.

“We can never turn back the pages of time, though we may wish to relive a happy moment, or say goodbye just one last time, we never can, because the sands of time continue to fall, and we can’t turn the hourglass over.” ~ Anonymous

Facial Expressions

Do you know that you can tell how somebody's feeling inside by just looking at their faces? I just realized that today, actually. I mean, at first, I wasn't sure. I thought it was just something some people could do, but I think everybody can. Like, if you just went through a break up or someone you loved died, and you say you're fine, nobody's gonna believe you. Even if you have a smile on your face, even if you laugh at jokes, they'll know that you feel sad inside.

My friends, even though I laugh and I smile, and I act as if I don't think of my ex, they still know that I'm sad inside. I mean, I didn't even know I was sad inside. But I guess, if I dig really deep down, there is. It surprised me that not only my close friends know. The girl who sits next to me in class, Sara, she knows by just looking at me that I'm still somehow hoping for him to come back. I was honestly amazed. I didn't even tell her, and I doubt any of my friends would tell her, 'cause they're not even close to her, so how would she know? And no, she didn't even read my "diary".

I'm starting to observe people more nowadays, looking at their faces, to see who they really are, why they act the way they do, what they're feeling inside. And it actually works. On some people. You can even tell my their tone, when they speak. The girl who plays with boys, seniors, she's not happy. If you really look at her, if you observe her, she's lost. She doesn't know what to do with her life if she doesn't fool around with guys. And then, there's the other girl who's just like her, only prettier and she dates them, instead of fooling around with them. You think she's happy? Having to let herself like guys after guys, and then getting her heart broken every single time. That's bad, you know. The teacher who's always grumpy and teaches boringly, who knows? She might be stressed out with her life, not having kids. Maybe she really wanted kids, but can't have them, and seeing other people's children, teaching them, that would just remind her of the things, the people she can't have. The guy who acts like nothing's wrong with his life, when there's so many you don't know. The one who keeps bothering you, he's just trying to get away from his family or whoever that's making him sad.

Okay, these things might not be true, but who knows? My friend said, your gut is always 75% right. So, who's to say it's not true? And I'm not saying it is, I'm just saying what I see on their faces. And who the heck are we to judge them? To say that the girls are sluts and bitches, to say that that teacher is mean and is only giving you stress, and to say that the boy is annoying? I mean, we don't even know what's their story, and already, we're giving them looks and backbites. I don't know. It's just wrong. There are a lot of maybes in this world, you know. You never know what's happened, what's going on and what's gonna come, so it's better to just not think about other people badly, and just stick to the positive side. Like they say, "watch your thoughts, they become words. Watch your words, they become actions. Watch your actions, they become habits."

Learn something here. Not everybody acts the way they do because they want to. And we have no right to say stuff about them. If you wanna think bad about them, then go on. But just don't let them become words and actions. Keep your mean thoughts to yourself.

And I realize, I should stop saying that my teachers are mean and start appreciating them, 'cause without them, I'm not a person. I should stop backbiting my friends (I DON'T ANYMORE. Not much, anyway. Actually, I don't even remember the last time i backbit my friends), and start having fun with them and be real. Okay, fine, I lied. I do remember the last time I talked about my friend, and that was last night, but I was just worried about someone, okay?! But, I'm gonna stop. Just sometimes, there will be occasional backbites. SOMETIMES. Like, once in a blue moon, whatever the heck that means.