When You're Wrong

Have I written about this already? If I have, I'm sorry for repeating it back, but it's something that keeps happening to me. It's like whatever I do, I'm the one who's wrong. I know, different people, different points of view, but must I be wrong ALL the time? I don't think I've ever been right to everybody. The only person who supports me all the time is Shania. Whether I'm right or wrong, she supports me. When I feel like I'm alone, like the whole world is against me, she's the one who'd be there to tell me that it's okay, and that I'm right, even if I'm wrong. She gets how I feel. And she doesn't make it worse.

I'm not saying that my other friends do, it's just that, they always have other points of view. Which, they all agree with each other at. It's like, when I write this, I'm wrong and I get blamed. When I get mad at somebody for making me feel like I'm a piece of crap, I'm wrong for feeling that way. What the hell am I supposed to feel then? Happy and cheerful all the time even when somebody makes me feel like I'm nothing but a crumpled piece of paper?

So what happened to me tonight was, I was telling my friend what I felt like. I mean, okay, let me tell you from the start. It was after school, about 4 PM or so, and we, me, Haziq, DD and Harris, had a conference in Yahoo Messenger. And, in that chat, Haziq was saying that I was gedik and annoying or something I forgot, but the gedik was there. He was saying it repeatedly. I kinda got annoyed and felt like I wanted to punch him. If I was so gedik , why is he still with me? If he'd break up with me, poof! All the gedikness, he doesn't have to worry about it anymore. I mean, enough is enough. And then, after a while, he said to ignore me. He told everyone, in CAPS to ignore me. Ignore what I say and all that. And it seemed so, so I just didn't reply in that conference. Nobody even realized, until DD asked, like, 20 minutes later. He didn't even care. Or at least, it seemed that way. In that chat, when I wasn't replying, he said he missed holding Aida's hand. Aida's a friend in school, one of his classmates last year. I mean, what the heck? It was like I wasn't there. Like I didn't matter. If it were to happen in real life, I pictured myself looking at him with sad eyes and I'd turn around, to sit in a corner so that he won't see me cry. But it didn't. So I just kept not replying and I held in my tears and continued my work on the organization chart for my class. A few minutes later, when he finally realized I wasn't replying, he told me that since I wasn't replying anything, he wanted to play his game again. I said okay, but I also told him that I didn't reply 'cause he said to ignore me. And then he scolded me, saying that he was just joking around or something. He apologized, but added a "=___=" face, which meant he wasn't really sincere. I couldn't help to cry. The tears just filled my eyes. I had to get away. I needed a bath. A long, hot one. Something to get my mind off of him. Something to make me not sad. Something.

And I did take a long, hot bath but it didn't work. I still couldn't take my mind off of him. I still felt sad. I still wanted to cry. I still wanted to punch him in the face for saying those stuff. I wanted to make him guilty. I wanted him to apologize sincerely, without all the "=_______=" and "=.=" and whatever other faces related.

I told a friend of mine about it. I told her everything. How I felt like I was a piece of crap. How he was being such an ass. How I felt like I didn't matter. How I thought I'm not worth it. But her reply was, "=.=". Yes, that was her reply. She said that she's annoyed with why I'm upset. She
said I shouldn't be getting mad at him. She told me that he was just fooling around. She said it's natural for boys his age to make people annoyed. She was making me sound like I'm so silly to be feeling like that. She sort of said he was right and that I was wrong. Sort of. Not in those words, but it kinda meant that way. But after that, she said none of us were right. And that she was just giving her point of view.

I'm sorry for being too sensitive and I know it sounds silly but I just can't help to cry. I stopped myself, really. But I don't know. I just can't stop. The tears just keeps on flowing and flowing. I could cry a river. It seems like I've no friend to count on, except maybe Shania and Nurin (my neighbour), but I don't wanna tell them any more of this, because I don't wanna be told that I'm wrong again. Especially not when the one thing I need right now is somebody to comfort me. But I feel so selfish when that happens.

And now I'm telling everybody my problem and I can't stop crying. How nice! Troubling people with my problems. I feel more pathetic than I already do. Maybe it's true. Maybe I should just apologize and not get mad at Haziq. It's not like it's really his fault, right? God, I don't know.

"I don't know what the secret to success is, but the secret to failure is to try and please everybody." - Adam Lambert

Problems

Have you ever felt like what you do is wrong? How you act like and all that, all of em wrong? Like you've never done anything right. Ever. Maybe it's one of those negative moments, where you just can't think of things positively, but my question is, have you? 'Cause I have. And I feel like I'm the only one feeling like this, 'cause other people just accepts their problems or whatever 'cause they can convince themselves that they're not perfect and nobody is. But I can't. I don't know why, I don't know how. I don't know if I can and I don't know if I even wanna try.

I've listen about 90% of my problems in my journal. I came up with 141 so far. I've got more on my mind, because I'm kind of in a bad mood, but that's not the point. Point is, I've got too many problems and I don't know how to get over them. I know I have friends and all, like, Shania and DD, they've been so good to me lately, plus Ashvin and even Haziq, kinda, but, there are just some problems that cannot be solved. Like my insecurities. I'll always have them, even if Shania and DD have told me that my problems like, I feel like I'm not close to my friends anymore and that I think that I get people mad by telling them my problems, are not my problems. Those kinda things are their problems. Hm, maybe so. I'll just have to remind myself that those things aren't my problems.

Sometimes, I just wish I could be like, one of those problem-free teenagers. Yes, there are such people. And how lucky they are to be like that. I mean, look at me! I'm such a mess. I've been sleeping after 1 AM, thinking about stuff. I cry over things that don't even matter. I think that if I do this and that, I'm gonna get what I want. Something like, if my mom won't let me go watch a movie with my friends, I won't eat for a week. I know it won't work but I don't know. I just might do that, because I'm just so stressed out and it's not one of those things which I can just let go by drinking hot strawberry tea. No, this is different. This is just too much.

Truth it, I've been kind of bottling up my problems. I know I've been blabbing and blabbing about my problems ever since I started this blog or whatever, and I write most of my problems, how I feel like in my diary/journal, but I've always been not telling the truth. Like, the whole truth I mean. And I can't do that for some reason. I can't tell anybody, any website, any paper my real problems with extreme details. I can only tell part of it. I can't even tell myself my real problems. I don't know why exactly. Maybe it's because I just can't stand knowing that I'm that kind of person or well, just something like that.

Shania said I have to accept myself first, before other people do. I've heard of that somewhere, before she told me. And yeah, I kinda agree, I mean, how can somebody else accept me if I haven't even accepted myself? But it's kinda hard. I don't know. I'm not really good with this kinda thing. Ugh, I need a shrink. But I refuse to go to any. Shania, Ashvin and DD are enough. Besides, everybody's helping actually. Even Lutfil. I told Haziq, and he just told me to forget it. So, yeah. I guess so. I should probably just forget my problems, shouldn't I?

But they're not just gonna go away just like that, are they? If they were to go away like that, then it wouldn't be called a problem. Hi I'm Amilah, I'm pretty!!! (Jin Zhe typing...) LOL, sorry, I'm in school (desperate) and that was my extremely annoying but awesome friend, Jin Zhe. Anyway, back to what I was saying... Every problem has a way out, am I right? So I should stop focusing on what the problem is, how it came to me, and start focusing on how to get out of it. And I guess that's what my friends are trying to do for me. I appreciate it, really appreciate it.

Okay, so think positive? Hm, I'll try. I'll TRY. If I fail, I'll try to try again till I get out of this mousetrap. (Suddenly crazy) I LOVE HAZIQ!!!! DO YOU LOVE ME??? *kening kening* Again, that was Jin Zhe.

Okay, okay, I'll stop talking about my problems. It's frustrating. I'll just end up crying with drugs in my hand, looking like a stripper. Which, I won't do that, 'cause it's illegal and just wrong. DON'T GET ANY IDEAS, AMILAH. Kay, my good side of the brain has talked. I'll shut up now.

The Person Whom I Admire the Most

Okay, my English teacher, Miss Kamisah, asked the whole class to write an essay about the person whom we admire the most. Our teachers, our parents, our friends, idols, anybody. She told us to describe the person, and write about what the person achieved and had done in the past few years. She told us to write about why we admire that person. And okay, so, here's my essay:

The person whom I admire the most would probably be my friend, Dina Dzafira. Honestly, I have no words to describe her, except that her height is normal, she has long, straight, silky black hair which she ties in a ponytail everyday to school and that her complexion is fair. Dina is the kind of person you can describe as amazing and tremendous, or in other words, awesome. What makes her so amazing?

Well, for starters, she's an amazing artist. She draws pictures of characters from her favorite Japanese cartoons. She draws at any possible moment she can. Even at 3 AM in the morning if she's still awake. Her passion for drawing just inspires me. I have never seen anybody who has ever criticized her drawing before. And I don't think anybody will ever do, because if you look closely, it's as if the drawings can speak to you. A blank paper and a pencil can create so much if they're in the hands of a true artist, don't you agree?

Dina is a great friend, in a lot of ways. She helps me with my problems, gives me a space to express my feelings and tell me what to do, not even mentioning that I'm wrong. She jokes around with me like nothing's ever got to her. She talks like she doesn't care what the other person thinks. She appreciates her friends, in some ways you have to look closely to really see it. She's not just that, she's also a very forgiving human being. I don't think I've ever seen her get mad at somebody for more than a day. Not even a full 24 hours, I bet. She once told me that being mad at somebody is just a waste of time and it will get you no where. It amazes me how she can convince herself that. If it were me, I'd be all negative if I ever get mad at somebody.

Dina, she's one of the bravest person I think I've ever met. No, not in the "I'm not scared of ghosts" kind of thing. Well, partly in that zone, but mostly in telling people what she thinks is right. She's not afraid to speak her mind. It's not that she doesn't care what that person feels like, it's just that, she wants to tell them what's right. And that's a good thing, if you see it on the bright side. So, maybe she uses harsh words sometimes, it doesn't mean that it's a bad thing she's saying, does it? Sometimes, I wish I could be like her. Brave enough to tell people what I think, and risk losing something I love rather than living with unsatisfactory for the rest of my life.

Someday, I hope to be more like her, kind, brave and to inspire people with what I do. I also hope that we'd be friends for many more years to come, because she is like family to me. She's my best friend in the world and I don't wish to lose her. And I will never be ashamed or embarrassed to say that she's the person whom I admire the most.

I know, it sounds weird, like, not a formal essay, but that will do. I'm so lazy to write a formal essay, with bombastic words. I still have piles of homework to finish in less than 48 hours. Bye!

Totally, Madly In Love

I.
Was.
Wrong.
SO WRONG. About the Haziq posts. WRONG WRONG AND WRONG. Well, not really. Just the last post about me not feeling anything towards him anymore. THAT was wrong. What is wrong with me? I should have known that I have a strong feeling towards him. I mean, like duh. We've been together for almost a year and I've been madly in love with him since like, the first time we chatted. So, why do I do that? Doubt about my feelings, I mean. Man, I have a problem.

Anyway, I got the feeling back when he came to my house. He was sitting on one of the stairs when Raihah left, and when I was about to climb back up, he told me to sit next to him. And when I wanted to, my whole body buzzed. I felt like I could jump over the moon in one try or swallow 20 large marshmallows at once. It felt as if somebody lit up the firecrackers that were once cold and had no color inside my body. And when that person did, it sent shivers and goosebumps to me, in a good way, that is. I couldn't control myself. I fell between his knees, into his arm. (Or was that my imagination? But I'm pretty sure it happened. 'Cause that would have been a weird fantasy, LOL)

When he touches me, it's just... Wow. There are no words, actually. The feeling is just too strong for any word. When he touches me, the whole insecure feelings weren't there. Reality wasn't there. Nobody else mattered. It was just him and me. Haziq and me. The time felt like it moved slowly, no ending to it. Oh, how i wish I could have that moment again. I wish we could be together every second of the day, sitting side by side, talking. I wish that day never ended.

Stop Putting Yourself Down, You're Awesome!

You know my friend, DD? Well, she's been saying that she's pathetic. And giving me reasons why.

Wanna know what I think? That's just crap. Because she's awesome. She is an 11 on a scale of 1 to 10 of awesomeness. She just is. There's no other way to describe her. Wait, there are. But awesome is the most suitable words.

Dina, you wanna know what I think of you?

• You're beautiful. You just don't know it.
• You're kind.
• Funny.
• Cheerful.
  
• Blahblahblah etcetcetc
  
• AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, YOU;RE AWESOME

That is why you are my best friend. Not Raihah, not Dina Sabrina, not Haziq, but YOU. You, Dina Dzafira Bt Ramlan, YOU! You know why? 'Cause all this while, you've been the one who's helped me get over my problem. I can talk to you about anything. From weird jokes to boys to blue stuff. You see, I can't talk like that with any other friend, just you. You see how special you are now? So what if others think you're lame or pathetic or ugly or whatever (which I do NOT think they do, 'cause you're obviously not)? I don't think you are. In fact, I think you're the exact opposite.

So, woman, YOU HAVE TO STOP PUTTING YOURSELF DOWN because you, my friend, are AWESOME. One of the most awesome people I've met. Wait, no, the awesome-est person I've met. SWEAR! Believe me, Dina.

Dedicated to Dina Dzafira

:(

Okay, now I'm sad. It's like, we're not close anymore :(. It's so awkward. I wonder if he notices it too? It's like, when we chat, it's not fast typing anymore. It's all, wait for after he finishes, then I type or vice versa. I really don't know. I mean, do I even still have feelings for him? Does he have 'em for me? At this point, I HAVE NO IDEA. I need more hints, before I really lose feeling.

I Don't Know What I'm Doing

I don't know what I'm doing. I seriously do not know. I've been waiting for this guy for the past 100 hours or so, and it never happens. I've been missing him and praying for him and wishing that he'd talk to me, but it never happens. It's pathetic, isn't it? What's the point of waiting for somebody if he never comes? What's the point of lying down on your bed, thinking about him, when God knows what he's doing? What's the point?

Here I am, asking myself unanswerable questions, and hoping for answers. But will there be? Shouldn't I be doing something else? Like, my homework or practicing the piano since my exam is in less than a month. Shouldn't I go making weird jokes with my friends instead of sitting down, disappointed 'cause the things I want to happen, doesn't? Why should I put him first, when he puts me second or third or fourth or fifth? Why should I wait for him, when he clearly never waited for me? Why should I get disappointed when we don't get to talk to each other, when he's the one who does that to me? Why?

Sometimes I think that we shouldn't even be together, since he's been treating me like this, since forever! But when I try to imagine us not being together, I can't. Because I've been with him for so long, I can't imagine how life would be without him. It's not that I don't have feelings for him anymore. It's just that, I don't wanna be let down anymore. I don't wanna cry over something small anymore. I don't wanna be treated like I'm second or third or fourth or fifth anymore. Maybe I can't expect the whole package, but at least to be treated a little bit better. And I don't want to be treated better just because you have to do it, I want it because you want to do it, get it? There's a difference. A big one.

I don't know.... Maybe I'm just being insecure. Maybe he's just busy. Maybe he just needs more time alone. Yeah, sure. 5 days isn't enough already. Maybe he's tired from camping. Maybe he misses his game? So the game matters more than you do? Maybe. He's played his game since he was like, twelve. They've been together a year before I met him, so yeah, I guess. Games have no feelings, Amilah. Maybe so, but I can't simply tell him how I feel, can I?

THIS IS THE PROBLEM OF HAVING A BRAIN THAT THINKS TOO MUCH !

But, what's bothering me now, is that, does he feel the same way? I mean, does he feel the spark when he talks to me? Does he feel fireworks when I touch him? Why is it so awkward between us? There are no words to speak. The time feels long when we chat. As if he wants it to end right away. Why doesn't he reply my chat as soon as I type something? Does he smile like crazy when he chats with me or think about me? Does he even think of me? Do I bore him? Does he think I'm annoying and freaky, stalking him and checking his phone for a long time and all that? Does he think I'm lame? Does he think I'm not worthy of knowing even the smallest things about him? Would he answer if I ask him all these questions? Or would he just lie to make me feel better, 'cause he thinks I won't know if he does?

I know I've probably written about this like, two million times, but I just can't help it. I don't want to feel uncomfortable with him. I don't want to think we'd be better off if we'd break up. I don't want to feel as if I don't matter to him. I don't want him to have me as his girlfriend if he can't accept who I am. I don't want him to have me as his girlfriend if he doesn't feel butterflies in his stomach or fireworks in his heart. I don't want him to think that I'm just plain-old-boring-Amilah.

You know what I want? I want him to smile because of me. I want him to tell me that I'm the only one for him and mean it. I want him to talk to me like there's no tomorrow. I want him to tell me everything that happens in his life, small or big. I want him to get excited when I tell him small stuff. I want him to care more. I want him to know that spending time with him is the most valuable moment in my life. Every second of it. I want him to be there when I'm insecure and tell me that everything's okay, 'cause he'd be there by my side whenever I need him. I want him to say that he loves me at the most unsuitable moment, because there really aren't any unsuitable moment to say, "I love you." I want him to make me feel like I'm important. Like I matter to him. I want him to show me how much I mean to him. I want him to not feel annoyed or irritated by me when I say something immature. I want him to think of crazy things with me, like eloping or kidnapping me and give me the best day of my life. Not that I want that to happen, but I just want to know that he thinks of those kind of things. I want him to do something with me without having to plan or ask me first. I want him to feel like we're made for each other.

I know it can't happen, all of that and he'd feel as if I'm such a control freak if I tell him that, because I can't control him, but I just want him to know. Not to tell me that he gives me freedom and that I can do anything I want if I want to. Because that's not what I want. The last thing I want from him is freedom. If I wanted freedom, I'd break up with him a long time ago, and flirt with other guys and have 1-day-relationships. If I'd wanted freedom, I'd never get together with him in the first place. It's because I didn't want freedom is why I'm still with him. How can he not see that? How can he say that he gives me freedom? It's like he doesn't even care....

It's For the Best, Isn't It?

I've realized something. All I ever write in this blog is about complaints. I complain about my life, I complain about my friends, I just complain. I've never written anything ever than a complain. Well, maybe that's just how my life works. It's full of complaints and negativity. 'Bout time I should stop, right? It's better to sit in a corner and cry my heart out rather than complain about my life in Facebook or in this blog right here, where everyone in the world can see it.

But here's one last post about my life. Just one more. Then I'll stop. Stop writing, probably. Forever, if that's possible. I'll try something else. Maybe I should start on practicing the piano or read political books. Maybe learn more about Islam. Maybe read the encyclopedia. Or study more. Yeah, anything. It's all better than complaining 'bout my life, I guess. I bet you guys would probably agree too.

For the past few days, I've been acting strange, as I said. I've been treating my friends badly, I've been saying that my life is this and that. Well, the truth? It is like what I said. It is miserable and a mess. It is a ball of pathetic. It just is. I've been telling people they should do this and that, but I never do it myself. I've been saying that I'm a good person to myself, when I'm actually not. I've been saying that for once, it's not my fault, but yet, it is. I've been through backbites, judgments, lack of trust... all of that. And yes, all of that is my fault. I made my best friend cry. I made my friends mad at me. I showed attitude. All the times I've been trying to make things right, I didn't. I only made it worse. And to just say, "Whatever," to it, well, let's just say, it's not working.

I guess if I were ever to write a book about my life, this might be it. This might be the ending. This might be the last chapter of my life. For 15 months, I've been mean, selfish and rude. Yet, I was still somehow nice, weird and funny. But I guess that ends now. All of it. No more complaining about my life. No more thinking that it's not my fault. No more talking about my friends behind their backs. No more being in the middle.

There, I did it. I apologized to every person I've gotten mad. Well, not everybody. Just some specific people. Maybe that's enough for now. If they don't forgive me, it's fine. It's a good choice if they don't. I'm selfish and mean. My best friend said it herself. Wanna know something? Here are some traits about me, I'm rude, I'm selfish, I'm mean, I'm impatient, I'm cruel, I'm out of control and I'm a bad friend. Wanna know something worse? I do that everyday.

So, to people who think they deserve it, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for ever getting you guys in my troubles. Sorry for not looking at the bright side when you guys tried to help me. I'm stopping now, before my heart gets heavy and I start crying again.

All this while, I've been being me. And in being myself, I've made the biggest mistake ever.

They say, one should learn from one's mistakes. But I don't. And I guess I should start from now.

Lots of love,
Amilah.

It's Contagious...

Seriously, everyone's like, being so emotional these days. And it all started 'cause of me. You remember the post about that dude who made me cry so badly? Yeah, the dude who told me to get outta the country 'cause I don't freakin' know who Sudirman is. Well, I guess it all started from there.

I vowed to keep quiet; be emotionless. And I was, for two days or so. Then, on Tuesday(mypostbeforethis), my very dear friend, made me feel like I'm a piece of crap, lying on the sidewalk of a busy street, because everything I said was mean. Yeah, that's right. EVERYTHING. E to the V to the E to the R to the Y T H I N G, what does that spell? EV-ER-Y-THING! So, right after that, it was 10.45 a.m. if I'm not mistaken, I stopped talking. I wasn't in the mood for anything, like I explained.

On Wednesday, which was yesterday, my friend, Zafirah, got the disease. She broke up with her boyfriend, and she blamed herself for it, like I did when I dumped Haziq for the very first time. She was quiet, and crying for the next hour or something. The emotion shifted, from me to her. I think, there's a wind that shifts these emotions. I was quite like that in the morning, but then, I got over it. And I guess, it went to her.

And today, when in the car with Raihah, she cried. Yeah, all the way. I kept telling myself that her nose was runny, and she was just tired, that's why she looked the other way the whole time. But there's no point in being denial, because it's my fault. Yes, dudes and dudettes who are currently reading this utterly pathetic post, it was MY fault, as always.

I haven't been talking to her much lately. You know why? 'Cause when I act like my old self, controlling, weird, loud and so much like a bitch, I'm a bad person. I'm so loud and immature, which makes it hard for people to take me seriously. I'm so much like a bitch, which makes the things I say wrong. But when I act like my "new" self, I'm too quiet, I'm too emotional and all that crap. Let me tell you something, Raihah, I am doing ALL this for you, okay? Not for DD, not for Harris, not for Haziq, not for Zafirah, not for Dina, not for Izyan, not for Kamalesh, but for YOU! You get that? But it seems like what I do is never right.

And I can't act normal around you anymore, you know? It's like, whenever I tell you a story about what I did, which is actually meant to be funny, you'd be telling me that it was mean, and that I should not make people do things they don't want to. Well, what about you, huh? I understand, I'm being harsh and all that right now, but seriously, there is no other way. Back to my question. What about you? You do it, if you haven't noticed. You told me, words are prayers, but you say negative ones, and when I say that to you, you'd be, "Yeah, yeah." You know how stupid you make me feel by hearing that? And then, when I don't wanna tell something, you'd be, "Tonight is Friday night. Lying is a sin." That makes me so uncomfortable to be around you. So, it's actually 'cause of you that it's like this, but don't bother. I'll take the blame. Tomorrow, there will be a pink envelope on your desk. It's an apology letter, which I haven't wrote, but I will, soon.

It's like, she's asking me to choose between her and the others and Haziq. Not just Raihah, but everybody else. They all keep saying that, when Haziq's around, I'm happier. Oh so now what? I can't be happy? Fine, I won't. If that's what you guys want. But just in case you haven't noticed, I AM NOT. He just stands there, and make jokes with u guys, okay? He doesn't even talk to me. So, don't say I don't treat you guys fairly. Okay, so maybe I did on Tuesday. But you know why? 'Cause I only get about 2 minutes a day to talk to him in person. You make the calculations.
The one kid I have feelings for.
I only get to spend 2 minutes with him each day, at school.
That's too much to ask for?
Well, you try being in love, and never get a chance to speak to him or her.
How would you feel?
Don't make me choose between my friends and Haziq, okay? And don't you dare bet that I'll pick him over you guys. It's like you don't know how much you guys mean to me.

So, when I spend time with Haziq at school, and look so happy, don't think that I forgot about you guys. Like I said in my diary, I can't duplicate myself. Sometimes, I just have to hang out with Haziq instead of you guys. And yeah, I'll look happy. You know why? 'Cause I love him, and he has the same feeling for me. And that's like, just, a wow feeling. So, yeah, I smile 'cause I can't help it.

And when I'm not in the mood for things, I'm just not in the mood, okay? I can't act the same with you guys and with Haziq. No, not 'cause you guys are any less, but because I just don't have the mood sometimes. I just don't.

There's No Cure

Ever heard the same thing so many times, it starts to lose meaning? Well, I have. I'm not sure if it's me, or anything, but... I feel like, whenever I speak, I'd say something wrong. Whenever I say something, as a joke or in a not-serious way, my friends would say, "It's not nice. You shouldn't have said that." Or something similar to that. Okay, the first time, it's okay. But the two millionth time I hear that, it's just... annoying, you know? (Sorry, my grammar is not good)

It's like, every single word I say is wrong! Yeah, maybe so that that's why my friends told me it's wrong. But okay, when my friends, who told me it's wrong, does that, and I tell them that it's wrong, I'd get in a debate and lose. And that's because I don't want to make it a fight. I admitted defeat. Every time. I could hear Raihah saying it now, "Be patient." Uh-huh, easy for her to say. So you know what I did?

I shut up.

Completely. Well, not really. But when I speak, I do it in a low voice. I smile, but I don't laugh. Not even when everybody's laughing so hard. What does it matter? I don't even get listened to, right? It's always like that. My opinions don't matter. Even when I follow what my friends say, one day soon, when they do it, and when I try to advice them, they prove me wrong. So, what's the point of speaking when everything I say is wrong? When what I say don't matter? When nobody listens to me?

Give me answers. Good ones. Give me ten good, satisfying reasons on why I should speak when clearly, nobody listens to me - except my blog and my beloved journal, and yeah, my friends, the ones who don't think everything I say is wrong (DD, Kamalesh, Haziq, Dina, etc.) - and everything I say is wrong. Just plain... wrong.

Maybe I'm insecure, like Kamalesh said. Wait, his word was, "Paranoid," but insecure works too. But maybe it's reality? Besides, if I don't speak, it's for the better, right? People don't have to cover their ears to avoid hearing my loud screech every single day. My two friends don't have to waste their saliva on telling me what I said was wrong. AND people don't have to get hurt over what I say.

See? Three very good reasons on why I shouldn't speak. Oh, and, they don't have to hear about my problems if I don't speak, am I right? Because, as far as I know, I'm the girl with the most problems.

And if I don't speak, there would be a lesser chance that I'd get people mad and all that, correct? Plus, I wouldn't have to feel like I'm a piece of crap, because I can't say anything right.

Yes, people make mistakes. But this is different. It's as if I never do anything right.

Even though no quote can make me feel better, I found this,

"All men make mistakes, but only wise men learn from their mistakes" ~ Winston Churchill

Guess what? I guess I'll never learn from my mistakes, as I'm not a sage.